Gordon Gallup is called Mr. Sperm because he spends most of his time researching it. Everyone knows that sperm makes babies (and messes), but as it turns out, it has a lot of amazing abilities. For one, it can cure morning sickness, which is a fair trade since it helps cause morning sickness. But quelling your vomit is only one of the many things sperm can do, and after reading this list, you might not be so adverse using your boyfriend’s baby batter for things other than a baby.
1—It’s a mood booster: when absorbed through the vagina, sperm can act as a mood enhancer (duh).
2—You can cook with it: we all know it’s a good source of protein (how many here have heard that line, har har har) but according to Fotie Photoenhauer (really with that name?), “… semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food.” That’s the quote comes from the back of the cookbook Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes. And LOL! on it being “inexpensive to produce” and “available in many … homes and restaurants.”
3—Skincare: easy with the jokes on this one. There are a lot of companies that use sperm because it supposedly contains a powerful antioxidant. And I’ll leave it at that … a facial! Sorry … I couldn’t help myself.
4—Invisible Ink: a British Secret Intelligence Service member during World War I wrote in his diary, “The best invisible ink is semen,” because it “… would not react to iodine vapors.” I do not buy this one bit. Not one single bit.
5—It promotes sexual maturity: In some cultures, younger boys will drink the sperm of the elders in order to encourage their own production. GROSS, dear God.
Look, making babies, and mood-boosting I get—I’ve seen these things at work, but slathering semen on my skin (on purpose) or putting it in my pasta? Ugh! You can just forget it. Guys, you’re never going to convince girls that don’t like to go down south to play with the stuff or favor it until you can figure out how to make it taste like butterscotch budino, chocolate, or their favorite cocktail. Get to the research on that and you’ll get a trophy filled with semen!