An Open Letter to Girls Who Are Dressing Up for Halloween

photo of sexy halloween cat pic
Hey Girl,

I know how exciting Halloween is; it’s my favorite holiday. I know that sometimes you want to feel sexy and you want attention but I implore you …don’t dress like a hooker this Halloween. If you want to be a bumblebee—be a bumblebee … bumblebees don’t wear mini skirts. Let’s be honest, anything you dress up as this Halloween: a cat, a witch, Bo Peep, a referee, a vampire, Alice in Wonderland, that Hunger Games chick … it’s all really just a hooker in disguise, isn’t it?

Also, please don’t ever dress up as a cat and go out in public over the age of five. Why would you do that? Why would you wear a costume that actually allows people to come up and say, “nice pu**y” or “can I pet your “p***y” or any variance of that? You’re better than that. You need to know this.

And before it gets out of hand, I’m not slut-shaming. I’m not. I’m worried about you. October is an autumn month, and that’s the season that leads into winter. That means it’s cold (because we live north of the equator) and you shouldn’t be wearing less fabric than a washcloth. You don’t need to be a sexy criminal, a sexy Santa, or a sexy mad hatter to get noticed. If you really want to get noticed, wear pants. Trust me, this works. I wear pants every Halloween and everyone notices me. I stick out like a sore thumb.

Really, Halloween has grown and evolved into a scary holiday to include ghosts, ghouls, goblins, demons, witches etc. None of that should be sexy, because sexy is not scary. Halloween is made to scare, and the only thing scary about you is the fact that you will very probably contract HPV or herpes that night. Stop trying to turn Halloween into a whorish holiday. I won’t let it happen. I won’t stand for it. You can dress like Courtney Stodden any other day of the year and I won’t say a word (to your face) but not on Halloween. Unless you are going as Courtney Stodden (though it’s in poor taste to go as a victim of child molestation), then there’s no excuse. Although, come to think of it, she is terrifying so I guess that could be your loophole.

Think about it.

Happy Halloween,

Nicole



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Why I Hate You, ‘Magic Mike’

photo of magic mike pictures
I know everyone is excited about “Magic Mike” but I’m not. Firstly, girls get to be hookers with the heart of gold, okay? Not boys. Boys don’t get to take that role from us, we originated that role and we do it better. But that’s not what bothers me about this movie.

I know that it’s based on Channing Tatum’s life, or whatever, but c’mon. I cannot count how many times I have heard girls screaming at their boyfriends for going to a strip club, watching porn, or buying Playboy. It’s always the same things being said too – “they’re trashy” or “those girls are such skanks,” etc. You know; things of that nature. But when Channing Tatum and his bros get up on stage to gyrate and bare their bodies it’s okay? Why?

This all came to a head for me when I saw the above photo.

Yeah, it matters. It matters what the movie is about because movies are about plots not abs. Movies about abs play on Cinemax after 10 pm. I don’t care that these guys have nice stomachs and can grind their hips, I’m not mad at them for getting up and grinding on stage. I’m mad at you, ladies.

That’s right – you. You hypocritical broads that will yell at a man for looking at your boobs before your eyes but will pay 28 bucks to see this film. This isn’t about everyone it’s about a select few. The above photo was posted on someone’s Facebook wall and I was then assaulted with it on my news feed. When I saw it I wanted to scream. This girl not only gave her boyfriend the silent treatment for buying a magazine with Kate Upton on it but has repeatedly told me that she thinks strippers are “disgusting whores on par with the trash that walks Hollywood Boulevard.” But she is counting down the days until she sees this flick. I’m confused.

I don’t know what it is that makes it okay for men to do things and horrible for women to do it. It’s the age old battle of double standards. Is it because men with washboard abs and the ability to dance are so rare? Is that why it’s okay to put them on a stage, rub oil on them, and make them dance for dollars? I don’t think so. I don’t think it’s ever okay. I’ve gone on my stripper rant before and my …

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The Lusty Lady, a Comprehensive Review on Closure

photo of the lusty lady pictures photos
Maybe I’ve gone to too many strip clubs, maybe I’ve known too many strippers … but this is one thing that I am not in support of and don’t even get me started on “Go-Go Dancers” (you are not classier because you don’t call yourself a stripper—just be a stripper already)!

When I read that The Lusty Lady, the nation’s only employee-owned, unionized strip club, is in financial trouble and in danger of closing down I thought “so what.” I don’t care and I don’t think it’s “feminist” and I don’t think it matters that it’s owned by women or that they make an effort to employ “diverse body types and ethnically diverse dancers”. Not even you, Dolores:

“We’re a San Francisco institution,” said Dolores, a dancer since 2005 who named herself for Mission Dolores Park. “If you can walk into a place, pay a dollar, see a beautiful nude girl and give her a wave, there’s something to be said for that.”

No, Dolores, there isn’t. Nothing good has ever come from a strip club and nothing good has ever brought someone to work in one. A strip club is a strip club is a strip club!

Just because stripping has become “mainstream” with pole-dancing exercise classes does not make it less degrading. I’m sorry, but I think stripping on a stage for dollar bills is degrading. Crawling on a filthy stage, sliding down a germ-filled pole (not every club wipes them down I’ve only seen two that actually have people go on and Clorox those poles), so that men can make you “dance for them” is just awful to me. And again, that’s my opinion. I know plenty of women who feel that stripping for cash “empowers” them, but that’s a debate for … well, for the comments section.

Before everyone jumps down my throat, I have no problem with stripping for your boyfriend. I have no problem with dressing up, and I have no problem with feeling empowered through your sexuality. I do, however, have a problem with girls who clearly have some underlying issues, be it daddy issues, or self-worth issues, who feel that their worth is somehow measured by the amount of dollar bills waved at them.

Like I said, maybe I’ve been to too many clubs, or known too many “dancers”; heard too many horror stories, and see too many “lap dances” in the “V.I.P” room. I’ve written several times in support of porn, and in support of whatever women want to do with their bodies. I even started a new feminist movement where it’s “whatever as long as no one gets hurt,” but I have never heard of a strip club experience where someone doesn’t get hurt. Whenever I walk into a strip club, it’s never an overwhelming sense of “this is a fine place to be” it’s always “this is a seedy, dark place to be.” There’s just a bad energy … and I’ve been to high-roller strip clubs.

Me? I’m very sorry The Lust Lady, but I don’t care that you’re going under. In fact, I’m okay with the fact that in a down economy, strip clubs are taking a hit, too. I feel sorry that some people will be out of a job, but maybe they’ll wake up and realize that they are so much more than just “lusty ladies.”



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What’s the Deal with Actresses Eating During Every Interview?

photo of brooklyn decker in underwear pictures hot

Recently, the February issue of Esquire magazine taught me that model-slash-actress Brooklyn Decker likes to make dinner for her interviewers. Author Tom Chiarella goes to her house in, where else, Brooklyn, for a revolutionary meal of chicken and salad. The crux of the story surrounds Chiarella’s feelings about Decker (he seems to often be a central part of his profiles, not the person being interviewed), most specifically, his feelings about her and food. Chiarella notes that Brooklyn wants to know what he likes and what he does not like, and that “She even seems a little curious about my preferences. I’m cool with whatever, I say. I can handle anything she dishes up. But Brooklyn doesn’t cook like that. She doesn’t want to disappoint. She just wants me to like it. There is no protest or resistance in her voice. It’s just something she can do.”

Because that’s how women are always! They don’t protest or …

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