LeAnn Rimes, You’re Gross.

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Remember when LeAnn Rimes was a sweet little country singer and not a crazy home wrecker? Rimes, if you remember, met her husband of two years, Eddie Cibrian, when they were co-stars on some TV movie—and while they were both married to other people. Since then, she’s been in the tabloids for her scary skinny figure and her crazy Twitter attacks on Cibrian’s ex.

Now there’s one more thing to add to the list—Rimes was speaking with Entertainment Tonight’s Nancy O’Dell about having kids and shared a little too much information. O’dell asked if Rimes and Cibrian want kids of their own, as the couple share custody of Cibrian’s two sons with his ex. Rimes hesitantly said they did want kids and yes, had been talking about it. O’Dell decided to ask if they were actively trying to have kids of their own, and personally, I’ve never understood this question. Ask if they want them—that’s fine, but I don’t want to know if Rimes and Cibrian are going at it like rabbits. I don’t need that in my head. It’s a little invasive, honestly.

However, O’Dell asked and Rimes said “Not right now. No, we’re not.” Now, that would have sufficed but Rimes decided to add this little tidbit: “Have you seen him?” [Sex is] whatever time. Any time of the day. Whenever he wants it.” Yeah, I didn’t need to know that—you already showed me that when you slept with him while you were married. I get it. You think he’s hot. That’s why you had an affair, that’s why you’re all over him all the time, and why you volunteer details on your sex life.

Here’s the thing, though: LeAnn Rimes’ time is done. She was a singer but I can’t tell you the last time she had an album out. I don’t care who she’s doing or how often. I only want to hear from her if she’s singing. If she wants to sing about her sex life, fine—I’ll give it a listen, but to just go on ET and talk about how you like to bang your husband? That’s just gross.



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Rejoice: Antibiotics-Resistant Gonorrhea Is Here

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You guys, an “incurable” strain of gonorrhea has now been confirmed in North America and everything is the worst. This strain might as well be called slutsbane.

I mean, ugh. HIV is basically incurable and it’s awful, but HIV is not actually all that easy to transmit. Gonorrhea, on the other hand, can easily be transmitted orally. I do not, to my knowledge, know any guy who wears a condom while receiving oral sex or any guy or girl who insists that his or her partner wear a condom before performing the deed (we all learned as children on Halloween to never put anything in our mouth that’s in a wrapper).

So, this is awful. And for those of us who live in the real world and aren’t in the magical eternal long-lasting fairy-tale monogamous romances* of which Taylor Swift dreams each night, this is bad. Particularly in a world in which there are still schools that teach an abstinence-only curriculum. It’s ridiculous—it’s what I had in high school health class. I half expected Driver’s Ed to just be: “Never drive or ride in a car or be near cars or places where cars might be and you’ll be safe from vehicular collisions.”

I mean, people who get into car accidents are in traffic with a lot of other cars; it was just a matter of time before something bad happened. Those sluts.

Now, this strain is not truly incurable, but “nuking” someone with antibiotics is how we got into this quasi-supervirus** situation in the first place. It’s not a real solution.

This is not just a situation in which people who use Craigslist to hook up need to worry. Gonorrhea can, in some situations, be transmitted by kissing. I imagine that, like, church socials aren’t like this, but at most parties (other than, say, most LAN parties), everyone kisses everyone. The best of human behaviors are sometimes good for insidious and infectious microorganisms.

You guys, this is awful. Someone please cure all STIs forever. If I got an incurable STI I would just balloon up to 500 pounds because, well, why not? Let’s not do that.

 

*I know that I’m super negative about relationships, but they’re super ridiculous. A television character said: “He’s the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep.” I was like: “Really? Last night, as I went to sleep, I thought about what it would be like to have Rumpelstiltskin-from-Once-Upon-A-Time‘s powers during a zombie apocalypse. Your thoughts sound lame.”

**Oh man, the word supervirus, which isn’t really accurate here (gonorrhea is caused by bacteria), totally makes me want to rewatch ReBoot. Remember ReBoot? It’s way better than you think. Like, the first season is goofy and what you’d expect from a kid’s show. The second season gets super intense towards the end. The third season is one of the darkest seasons of any show that I have ever seen. The first primary antagonist in the fourth and final season is a supervirus named Daemon who is symbolic, in some ways, of Christianity.



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It’s Just Sex

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Joan Price is a senior sex expert, award winning author, and blogger. Price recently wrote a piece for Huffington Post called, “Things You’ll Never Hear Him Say When He Sees You Naked”. The piece is supposed to help older women feel better naked but it’s good for women at any age. How many of us have gone without shaving our legs to prevent ourselves from having sex on a date? How many of us prefer sex in the dark or candle light as opposed to daytime overhead lighting?

In Joan’s article she says, “You’ve got to trust me on this, he’s not going to say or even think any of the following:

• “Oh, gee, you have so many wrinkles!”
• “You’d be so pretty if you lost weight.”
• “Huh — I thought you looked younger with clothes on.”
• “I like firmer butts and perkier breasts.”
• “Uh, I gotta go now.”

I couldn’t agree more with Joan on this. I’m guilty of not shaving to prevent sex too early in a relationship (not that it ever worked), of asking for the lights off, or of setting the candles in certain areas because I know it’s good lighting for me but I grew out of all this when I was around 23 and realized that it didn’t matter to men. I live with someone now and this point has really been hammered home. It’s not that they don’t notice we don’t shave it’s that they don’t care. Sex is the goal, if they reach that goal that’s all that matters. It’s chemistry, it’s passion no amount of stubble or wrinkles will stop you from it.

I’m really glad Joan Price wrote this article and Huffington Post promoted it. Women, it’s time to stop being so ashamed. No one can be perfect 100% of the time. Your man knows you have hit puberty and have hair in certain places, he knows your age, he knows you wear a push-up bra and he doesn’t care. If he does, he’s the wrong man.



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Sex and Drinking: The Truth

So, you think being drunk makes your sex better? You’re wrong. Most people think that drunk sex is good sex, maybe they think this because they can’t remember it—or maybe to them any sex is good sex. A new study shows what alcohol really does to your sexy life and it isn’t pretty. First, alcohol is a depressant. It decreases your breathing, circulation, and overall sensitivity of nerve endings. In case you didn’t know all three of those things are really important for an orgasm. Next up, dehydration! You know when you wake up after a hard night of partying and you pound any liquid you can get your hands on? That’s because you are so dehydrated,  dying of dehydration is like a hangover that kills you. Why does that matter? Sexual arousal needs blood. For men it means an erection and for women it means lube, if you don’t have enough water in your body the blood flow has a harder time and sometimes can’t complete the cycle.

Some will say that alcohol will put you in the mood and one or two drinks certainly can get you feeling all warm and tingly but any more than that and you start getting the dehydration and depressant action with means—no sex action. Large amounts of alcohol or long term consumption means fewer excretions too. What’s worse? You can get an erection but 11% of the time you won’t be able to fire that missile, this doesn’t make you an extraordinary lover it makes women bored and your balls blue.

Next time you head out to the bar thinking that you’re getting your mojo going, remember two or three drinks is key.



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