Tag Archives: relationships

It Is Okay To Have Specific Tastes

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Our world is changing in some very positive ways. One of those is an increased focus upon qualities aside from (male) wealth and (female) appearance when it comes to finding someone and forming a relationship. It’s becoming less and less socially accepted to openly refer to someone as fat outside of a setting of comedy, whether that person is a celebrity or a classmate. Multiple ideas of beauty are being embraced by real people, and even appearing on television.

These changes are coming slowly, but it’s a significant improvement over how things were in the past. Obviously, we have a long ways to go. By the time that we reach a point as a society at which even middle schoolers will not make negative comments about another’s weight (if such a point could ever be reached), we should probably (hopefully!) no longer have any weight issues remaining. Honestly, I expect for people to be able to pop a pill to lose ten pounds safely and reliably long before humanity grows up enough for middle schoolers to be nice to each other.

Seriously, barring traumatic experiences, middle school is usually the worst period in a person’s life. Those three years bring out the absolute worst in everyone.

Equally seriously, when will they make a pill that eradicates ten pounds of fat when you take it? I don’t care if it works because of fat-seeking nanites or because of fairy dust, I just want for it to work and be available over-the-counter and be affordable.

But, my point is that people are maturing a bit and growing sensitive to a wider range of ideas about what is beautiful. Sometimes people take it too far, with “real women” nonsense. You can say that Ariel from The Little Mermaid isn’t a “real woman” because she is a fictional character invented by Disney, not because she has a very slender torso. Most people know to reject the “real women have curves” nonsense. Real women come in all sorts of shapes and sizes.

If you like larger men or women, voluptuous or larger, that’s fine. If you like guys and girls who are incredibly skinny, that is also fine. No one has moral superiority for preferring one over the other. If you agree with Freddy Mercury that fat-bottomed girls make the rocking world go ’round, you don’t deserve a special applause or award because you don’t like size-zero A-cups. All shapes and sizes means all shapes and sizes.

And yet . . . I have noticed that some people take the all-shapes-and-sizes thing too far. That is to say: some people think that it is no longer okay to have specific taste in how men and/or women appear.

This is not true. Specific tastes are why a world in which everyone appears as beautiful as they can imagine themselves would still be a wondrous and diverse world.

We should not shame or devalue someone for having a specific trait (body size, hair length, race, height). Obviously. But just because we won’t make a value judgment on a person does not mean that we all find everyone equally attractive.

This sounds obvious, right? But I see confused sentiments online all of the time: “Like this if you think that this girl is beautiful.” If it’s to show a girl that many people online find her beautiful, despite whatever flaw she sees in herself (for this example, let’s say that she’s insecure about having freckles). But if it’s an attempt to shame anyone who does not “like” the image, that’s a huge step in the wrong direction.

My taste in guys* is pretty broad, I think. I like surfer guys and nerd-hot guys and emo guys and (though I just opened up to the idea a few years ago) guys with dreadlocks. I tend to like guys who are rail-thin through guys who are tall and beefy. I’m not big on much body hair and I am not a fan of body fat (so, yeah, if I were straight I would be one of those guys who likes girls with traditional magazine cover bodies. Hell, even now I’m like: “Damn, Nina Dobrev and Jennifer Lawrence are gorgeous.”).

But, you know what, there are plenty of people whom I don’t find that attractive. It may be because of their hair or weight or skin.**

And that is okay.

Not being physically attracted to someone because you are, personally, not attracted to some of his or her physical traits is normal. You might find that that person has a compelling personality, or a great sense of humor, or a keen intellect, or good taste in television shows. Any positive trait*** will do.

Not being attracted to, say, Koreans? That’s a particular taste; it’s not racist. (I’d call it daft, though, but if I talk about how attractive the Korean ethnic group is I’ll sound like a eugenicist).

We all have our tastes in people just like we have tastes in music and food. Let’s not shame people for not liking skinny people or not liking fat people. I mean, it’s not like they don’t like macaroni and cheese.

Because that is a deal-breaker.

 

*If you want names to Google, my tastes run like: Avan Jogia to Jared Padalecki to Jason Momoa to Harry Styles to Keith Hamilton Cobb to Humpemsquaw to Chris Hemsworth to Boo Boo Stewart to Choi Seung-hyun (T.O.P.) to Steven R. McQueen. I maintain that my tastes are reasonably diverse.

**Not being attracted to you doesn’t mean that I’ll say: “No.” I mean, there are other attractive qualities, like being funny or intelligent or being a good person. Also, I’m a big fan of the: “Well, I’m not attracted to him but he was there,” which I’ve found is a great reason to sleep with someone. So long as that person is not physically repulsive. Am I right? Any other proud sluts in the house?

***Another positive trait is “being rich.” That is a super attractive trait. Just because society is no longer as hung up upon whether your prospective husband will “be a good provider” does not mean that you aren’t allowed to care about something like that.



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Argh, My Period!

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Menstruation is not super fun. It’s a milestone in any young woman’s life to begin menstruating. It’s a milestone in an older woman’s life to stop menstruating. It’s not fun for women. Sometimes, it’s no picnic for those around them, either.

While tracking a woman’s cycle (unless you are her doctor or her lover) is generally pretty creepy (and potentially dismissive and misogynistic, as in: “Oh, you’re just saying that because you’re hormonal”), knowing when the women close to you (your family members whom you see often or with whom you live, or female friends whom you see often or a roommate or a roommate’s girlfriend) are on their cycles can be helpful in some situations.

There is some truth to the often-exaggerated PMS-monster idea. Some women are more highly emotional at certain times because of their hormones. That does not mean that anything that they say or do should be dismissed. It does not mean that hostile, confrontational, or otherwise rude behavior should be excused due to hormones. It does mean that other people in that woman’s life might want to think about how they react to her behavior (whatever it might be) and consider what might be influencing it.

This is actually good advice for any situation. You should always consider what factors might be influencing a person’s behavior at certain times. That does not mean that it is an excuse—you should expect an apology later, at the very least.

However, there is another reason for which guys might do well to remember that the women in their lives who are not their lovers still have cycles. Guys have them too.

We don’t bleed or have cramps, true. Guys are more likely to have acne breakouts at certain times, according to the cycles of their own hormones. Like women, guys can also sync up with the women around them—whether it’s their mother, sister, girlfriend, or a couple hundred girls sharing their dorm building. Guys can sync up with each other, too. Acne is not the extent of it.

During my “time of the month,” I might be more easily angered (I keep my anger internal and keep strictly to cold rages, of course, because I am not some sort of barbarian) or I might be more likely to cry while watching television (I use television for catharsis—it’s much better than letting emotions like sadness run wild in my actual life).

This can be a problem, even between male friends. One friend might be extra grouchy and say something slightly hurtful. The other might be feeling extra sensitive at the same time and be more distressed than he otherwise might.

Now, everyone has a higher emotional range as a teenager. Internally, I’m grouchy and old (old people can be sluts, too; we just do not like to think about it), but even I had something of a roller coaster of emotions during my teen years. Though, by the time that I was seventeen, I had already given up on high-risk emotions like “romantic love” and generally mellowed out. During the hormone-fueled madness of early puberty, however, everything seems so important and feelings seem urgent and love feels like it’s life-or-death.

A lot of people, male and female, are aware of this. Guys do need to realize that hormones continue to impact them as they age, and not just in terms of hair-growth patterns and sex drive. Men, your behavior is impacted by your hormones. You’re getting off easy compared to what women have to put up with, but you need to be self-aware. And maybe that will make you a little more sympathetic to the women in your lives.



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Faith And Marriage: When A Spouse Changes Faith

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This is an issue that most people probably believe will not arise, but it can crop up in any marriage—what happens when one spouse’s beliefs change? This kind of problem is not as black-and-white as one of two Christians losing faith, or when one of two atheists becomes religious.

But, well, first of all, this article in the Huffington Post discusses one spouse in Mormon marriages losing faith and what results. It’s an interesting read.

It also barely scratches the surface on ways that this can happen.

People of different religious backgrounds and beliefs date all of the time. Sometimes that can create problems (the “different worlds” relationship problem, or different ideas about extramarital interactions and what reproductive health choices* both parties might make), most of the time it might mean that you make different dietary choices or have different schedules occasionally (Partner A: “Hey, I can’t go to that late party on Saturday night, I have church in the morning.” Partner B: “That’s okay—I’ve got that Imbolc thing Saturday night, so I can’t go either. Smooches.”).

That’s basically the case, whether the couple are high school sweethearts or living together as adults. If you really have a problem with the other person’s beliefs or that person not sharing yours, you probably won’t stay together for too long. For the most part, though, you can keep that part of your lives separate.

When you get married, it becomes a bigger deal. You’re uniting families, and if his family is Greek Orthodox and your family is Hindu, you (and your respective families) might have some disagreements over a lot of things. Starting with the wedding. And then there is the issue of children.

(And, for the record, children should not be “raised as” anything other than intelligent young people who are learning about the world. Educate them about your beliefs. Educate them about the beliefs of others. Adherence to a particular religion doesn’t count if you just don’t know any other way to be. And, more importantly than this, don’t commit your infant children to your faith—that’s kind of a creepy spiritual violation. Most importantly, let’s not circumcise them without medical need. Circumcision doesn’t ruin a boy’s life, but there’s no need for it and it’s his choice to make when he’s old enough to make it)

Those are the big things that people think about. And then there are concerns over changing beliefs. “What if my wife stops being a Christian—how will that impact our marriage and our family?” “My husband’s an atheist like I am, but his family is super religious—what if one day he gets ‘born again’ and becomes a different person?”

There are also the less dramatic changes, which I think that people overlook. “Neither of us are religious, but my wife has become more ‘spiritual’ lately and I’m not sure what that means—or if it will lead to her being religious.” “My husband and I are both Jewish, but his beliefs are becoming increasingly Orthodox and I do not know what that means for us.” “My girlfriend says that she’s still a Christian, but she no longer goes to Church regularly, and seems less interested in socializing with our church friends.”

These issues are talked about less because they are less obvious problems. And they don’t have easy answers (there are not a lot of easy answers within marriages—I mean, unless someone’s hitting someone, because then it’s time for a mur . . . a divorce). A lot of these can be addressed by talking to your spouse. It might be an uncomfortable subject to bring up (especially if you are allergic to confrontation like I am), but it will help you both to get a clear idea of where you stand as partners.

 

*Obviously, what reproductive health choices that they make are each their own business. So long as no one fakes getting a vasectomy or lies about being on the pill (if you’re trying to have a baby, be honest if you aren’t into it, and it is even more important that, if you are not trying to have a baby, neither of you sabotages the efforts—that can ruin lives, including any child who might come of it). No one needs to coerce anyone into anything, whether you’re in your teens or thirties.



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Men in the Movement

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PBS ran an amazing miniseries called Makers: Women that Made America. If you didn’t catch it on TV make sure you watch it online. As impressed as I was with the women in the documentary I found myself more impressed by the men by their side.
One woman spoke of how when she was elected to Congress everyone tried swearing in her husband, not her. It got me thinking about how much it must have taken for a man to stand aside in the 1950’s. Everyone knows that men like to give each other a hard time, little insults here and there. I wonder what was said around whiskey and brandy when a man’s wife was elected.

Not all men were worth admiration at the time. In this documentary they spoke of the men in the feminist movement still expecting their girlfriend’s to cook dinner after the protests and in fact the radical feminist movement became mostly women when they got tired of the men in the movement telling them to “shut up” after their speeches.

Still, it’s not easy to take a back seat to a powerful woman. Even in today’s time—how often do we hear that a celebrity couple breaks up because the female becomes more popular than the male? The ego is quite a hard thing to face. As much as I love the women of the feminist movement I’ve got to say I tip my hat to the men that stood next to them and helped them take that step.

So often women are overlooked, behind every great man is a great woman. I’d like to think it goes both ways. As great team is a great team no matter who’s backing who. That’s how a great team and a great couple work—taking turns having each other’s back.



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