Tag Archives: marriage

LOVE Will Conquer ALL

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I’ve spoken about being pro-equal rights. I’m a huge advocate for same-sex marriage. I’m a huge advocate for equal rights for all people…and animals. I’ve been very upset and angered by the hate I hear being preached during this very important time. On the 26th and 27th of this month the Supreme Court is hearing arguments for same-sex marriage. There is only one argument that I feel is worthy, and that is: people have an inalienable right to marry the person they love no matter of the gender.

It’s been hard for me to have a positive attitude during this time because I am so angered by the blatent ignorance and hate. But then I read this article by the NY Daily News:

“Jenna Wolfe and Stephanie Gosk of NBC come out as couple; reveal engagement and baby on the way”

NBC newscaster Jenna Wolfe is The Today show’s Sunday anchor. Wolfe said she and partner Gosk, a foreign correspondent at NBC, have been together three years, plan to wed and will have a baby by December. Here are some choice quotes from Wolfe’s blog and her appearance with Gosk on the Today show Wednesday morning:

“My girlfriend, Stephanie Gosk, and I are expecting a baby girl the end of August,” Wolfe, 39, wrote in the debut post for her new pregnancy blog.

“We felt like we wanted to share our adventures with a wide-eyed, little person,” she blogged. “The more we talked about it, the better the idea seemed.”

“We were constantly on the road, juggling a thousand balls at once,” she told the mag. “It’s a miracle we got it all together.”

“This is the most exciting thing that has ever happened to us,”

“But I don’t want to bring my daughter into a world where I’m not comfortable telling everyone who I am and who her mother is.”

“The beauty is that we live in a time where there’s no need for secrecy.

“For a long time I had feared I would never have a child”.

“This baby doesn’t care that I was in phenomenal shape before getting pregnant. She doesn’t care that I had a near perfect diet. She made the first four months brutal for me … B-R-U-T-A-L.”

“There were days when all I could eat were Saltine crackers, Apple Jacks dry cereal and plain pasta,”

“As a kid, I would have chosen raising my adrenaline over raising children any day of the week. But then a funny thing happened on my way to adulthood … I grew up. I ran smack into the old nursery rhyme: “First comes love. Then comes marriage. Then comes Jenna pushing a baby carriage”

I didn’t attribute names to the quotes because they could be the words of any couple. These two are in love, they want to make a lifetime commitment to each other and share that with the world, and they want to raise their child together. It’s beautiful.

As I said before I’ve been down and angry about what I’ve heard as a result of the same-sex marriage hearing. But then I heard this…and I was reminded the love is beautiful, family is what matters, and people can scream hate at the top of their lungs, they can twist the word of God to work for them, they can try as hard as they possibly can to stop it…but LOVE will win. LOVE always finds a way.

In the darkness it’s hard to see the light…but light will come. Hate is dark…love is light. I have faith that LOVE will win, maybe not today…maybe not even in my lifetime…but LOVE will continue to grow, you can try and stop it but you will never stop people from finding each other—from loving each other—from supporting each other…LOVE will win.



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Faith And Marriage: When A Spouse Changes Faith

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This is an issue that most people probably believe will not arise, but it can crop up in any marriage—what happens when one spouse’s beliefs change? This kind of problem is not as black-and-white as one of two Christians losing faith, or when one of two atheists becomes religious.

But, well, first of all, this article in the Huffington Post discusses one spouse in Mormon marriages losing faith and what results. It’s an interesting read.

It also barely scratches the surface on ways that this can happen.

People of different religious backgrounds and beliefs date all of the time. Sometimes that can create problems (the “different worlds” relationship problem, or different ideas about extramarital interactions and what reproductive health choices* both parties might make), most of the time it might mean that you make different dietary choices or have different schedules occasionally (Partner A: “Hey, I can’t go to that late party on Saturday night, I have church in the morning.” Partner B: “That’s okay—I’ve got that Imbolc thing Saturday night, so I can’t go either. Smooches.”).

That’s basically the case, whether the couple are high school sweethearts or living together as adults. If you really have a problem with the other person’s beliefs or that person not sharing yours, you probably won’t stay together for too long. For the most part, though, you can keep that part of your lives separate.

When you get married, it becomes a bigger deal. You’re uniting families, and if his family is Greek Orthodox and your family is Hindu, you (and your respective families) might have some disagreements over a lot of things. Starting with the wedding. And then there is the issue of children.

(And, for the record, children should not be “raised as” anything other than intelligent young people who are learning about the world. Educate them about your beliefs. Educate them about the beliefs of others. Adherence to a particular religion doesn’t count if you just don’t know any other way to be. And, more importantly than this, don’t commit your infant children to your faith—that’s kind of a creepy spiritual violation. Most importantly, let’s not circumcise them without medical need. Circumcision doesn’t ruin a boy’s life, but there’s no need for it and it’s his choice to make when he’s old enough to make it)

Those are the big things that people think about. And then there are concerns over changing beliefs. “What if my wife stops being a Christian—how will that impact our marriage and our family?” “My husband’s an atheist like I am, but his family is super religious—what if one day he gets ‘born again’ and becomes a different person?”

There are also the less dramatic changes, which I think that people overlook. “Neither of us are religious, but my wife has become more ‘spiritual’ lately and I’m not sure what that means—or if it will lead to her being religious.” “My husband and I are both Jewish, but his beliefs are becoming increasingly Orthodox and I do not know what that means for us.” “My girlfriend says that she’s still a Christian, but she no longer goes to Church regularly, and seems less interested in socializing with our church friends.”

These issues are talked about less because they are less obvious problems. And they don’t have easy answers (there are not a lot of easy answers within marriages—I mean, unless someone’s hitting someone, because then it’s time for a mur . . . a divorce). A lot of these can be addressed by talking to your spouse. It might be an uncomfortable subject to bring up (especially if you are allergic to confrontation like I am), but it will help you both to get a clear idea of where you stand as partners.

 

*Obviously, what reproductive health choices that they make are each their own business. So long as no one fakes getting a vasectomy or lies about being on the pill (if you’re trying to have a baby, be honest if you aren’t into it, and it is even more important that, if you are not trying to have a baby, neither of you sabotages the efforts—that can ruin lives, including any child who might come of it). No one needs to coerce anyone into anything, whether you’re in your teens or thirties.



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Save The Date: How To Be Nice About Getting Married (And How To Be A Decent Potential Guest)

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I will start at the beginning.

I mentioned a while back that a couple of my friends had gotten engaged. I was excited. They are not my first friends to get engaged, but I am closer with them and I am the reason for which they met. Which is neat. Also, they have the most adorable cats ever, and one of them is super friendly and loves attention more than some dogs (if you’re in the bathroom or behind another closed door, he may just reach one of his front legs under the door, like a ravenous zombie, to gain your attention).

Right, so, anyway, they got engaged last autumn. They are getting married about three months from now, and they sent out the Save The Date cards and put up a website for their wedding about a week ago. I got mine, my mother (to my horror) got hers, and I was actually playing a game online with my superbestfriend when I heard his boyfriend say that they had received theirs.

Despite my occasionally paralyzing social anxiety (not the same thing as being shy or introverted, though I am introverted), I am all kinds of excited for their wedding. Or, more accurately, for their reception, as their wedding will be private and in a city too gaudy for me to name (but I love them anyway).

So, that’s the background. The story comes from the content of their website. Alongside their honeymoon plans and the location of the reception and their backstory, they also included this:

Shocking, I know.

First of all, this is beautiful. My favorite thing about it is that it includes the serial comma, which is non-optional. But I also love the rest of it. Like the future bride and groom, I live in one of the counties of North Carolina that voted against Amendment One (though we live in different counties). Being inclusive is expected, but using your wedding as a platform to promote marriage equality is a great move.

I do not know all of the details (or any of the details, really—it’s none of my business), but I know that there has been a little bit of fallout from a couple of relatives. Specifically because these relatives feel that by being vocally inclusive and supportive, my friends are excluding those who are opposed to marriage equality (among other things).

I mean, I could launch into a tirade about how I vehemently disagree with people who oppose marriage equality or people who are offended by non-religious wedding ceremonies or people who are uncomfortable around non-religious people or members of minority religions. And so on.

But this is really about, um, not being a dick. Usually people RSVP when they receive the actual wedding invitations, but RSVPing in advance is fine (I have already informed my friends that I am exercising with their wedding in mind, joking that I will need to fit into a wedding dress). Even if you are saying that you cannot attend.

I feel like hostility in most situations is uncalled for. Hostility with respect to a loved one’s wedding is wildly inappropriate. An “it’s them or me” attitude about attending a wedding is appropriate if another person on the guest list is, say, a rapist (though really if your friends are knowingly inviting a rapist to their wedding, politely declining is the way to go).

Don’t be a dick. Opposite-sex couples who hold off on getting married because same-sex couples do not yet possess equal rights are freaking awesome. Opposite-sex couples who get married but are vocal in their support of marriage equality are freaking awesome.

It’s easy for me to say that if you’re threatened by that, that you probably don’t belong at the wedding (or, you know, this century or planet). But really, don’t be a dick. Go to the wedding (or, in this case, wedding reception). You can have your beliefs (even the awful ones) and still be a decent, functional person who can go places where not everyone feels the same way that you do.

 

PS: I almost used a modified: “you can have your cake and eat it, too,” line in that last sentence. I decided against it, but also realized that there may very well be wedding cake at this reception. You guys, I am such a foodopotamus and wedding cake is wonderful. Though, as the many-times-divorced Lt. Provenza on The Closer said, he liked the taste of wedding cake, but his wedding cake: “always tasted like prison food.” But I’m not saying that about this lovely couple, though. I adore them to pieces.



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Oh Deer…

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Some women have ‘the bride gene’ they just want to be brides. They can’t wait for that special day when they drop 35k on a single event. They spend years dreaming about their perfect dress, the food, the venue etc. They pick out bridesmaids gifts and plan their something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue. But now there is a new trend in bridal fashion and it’s very deer. No, I didn’t misspell that…it’s deer antlers.
For $325.00 you can put a “bridal mini hat” made by Fine & Fleurie on your head as you walk up the aisle. But it’s not any “mini hat” it’s antlers. They’re freaking antlers. I love minis anything teacup sized will send me into squeals so I’m pretty upset that they’re using people’s love of mini’s to lure them into antlers.
Fine & Fleurie say, “this is a great piece for a fearless, whimsical bride.” Huh? Fearless I get…but whimsical? What is whimsical about strapping antlers on your head? I’m not knocking crazy fashion, I’m a grown woman that wears an owl snow hat…I get it sometimes you just feel like being an animal but antlers? On your wedding day?
Maybe I’m not the best source for this. Weddings have always been a source of confusion for me. If I’m going to go in debt I’m not going in debt over a wedding—a car, a house, a month in Europe yes, but not a wedding. I don’t understand why this one day matters so much and to that point I’d like to submit that women that have Pinterest boards planning their wedding—when they are not engaged should be quarantined.
In researching outlandish wedding ideas I headed to Pinterest which is the Mecca of weddings and food. I was browsing through some friend’s boards, some friends of friends, and was amazed at how many of these people are planning lavish weddings when they don’t have a proposal. Some have boyfriends—which shocks me that this doesn’t send a man running—but most are single.
Wait, I think I understand it…the same women that plan a wedding without a proposal are the “whimsical” types that pay $325 bucks to stick antlers on their head and call it fashion.

I was discussing this article with my friend Bunny and she put it best. She asked what one had to with the other and I said that I was trying to illustrate that there are varying degrees of crazy but crazy is crazy. To which she replied, “No way. There are a million different shades of crazy. I’m crazy, but in a much different way than you are crazy, and we are both crazy in different ways than Martha Stewart -now that bitch is crazy.”

So the point is, ladies, embrace your crazy. If you want to plan a wedding without a proposal, put antlers on your head, or go to jail for insider training and come out wearing a poncho knitted by your cell mate– do you.



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