Illuminati, Illuminati, Illuminati

After one of Lady Gaga’s earliest music videos (I forget which one), I read a comment on Evil Beet Gossip that began with “Illuminati, Illuminati, Illuminati.” The (insane) commenter then described interpretations of how Lady Gaga’s hands were positioned and how that was some sort of Illuminati signal.

This was the first time in my life that I realized that there were people outside of psychiatric hospitals and works of fiction who believe in a vast and long-lived conspiratorial cabal that secretly controls almost everything, from governments and corporations to pop singers.

This idea is . . . insane. But what is really, really insane is the “evidence” to which people point to prove their erratic conspiracy theories. Because what you see from these whackadoos more than moneymaking schemes is absolutely-off-the-rails interpretations of innocuous entertainment. Like this deranged break-down of Madonna’s Half-Time show.

Now, for one thing, I’ve learned from reading these comments (usually on Evil Beet Gossip, though they only show up occasionally) that by “Illuminati” they actually mean “anything and everything that they imagine.” A specific set of religious beliefs (Pagan, Catholic, Muslim, Satanist—basically whatever they like), secret government mind-control programs (MK Ultra was a real, failed government program that, um, did not successfully grant Illuminati “monarchs” mind-control powers), or honestly whatever they want. Any mention of MK Ultra that is not about the past government project, science fiction, or the Muse song should be grounds for being committed to a psychiatric facility.

The results are entertaining, but they would be more so if there weren’t real people who held these beliefs. People who have the right to vote and raise children and own guns.

Okay, from the analysis of Madonna’s Half-Time show, here is an excerpt.

We see the male dancers doing acrobats for her track “Music”. During this chaos, there were two male dancers that got down on all fours, like the Muslims do when they pray to Allah.  Most cheerleading teams, do not actually assume a prostration position when building a pyramid but in Satanic Rituals, it is believed that Lucifer or the devil would assume a prostration position and the witches would line up and kiss his anus as a sign of respect.  We not only saw a classic Lucifer Ritual Pose but we also saw the quick building of a pyramid by her dancers.

What the hell.

I mean, even disregarding that this person makes up a non-existent Satanic ritual in order to prove that Madonna’s show was in reference to it, and disregarding the fact that the author of this analysis apparently lacks the ability to distinguish between individual religions, if the Illuminati were a real thing who controlled the world, why would they hide clues to their existence in some of the most-viewed pieces of entertainment in the world? I mean, if they did that, any deranged loner could piece together all of their all-powerful conspiratorial secrets.

Obviously, that’s just the sort of thinking that “they” want me to have.

And under this Evil Beet Gossip post about Mary-Kate Olsen having a creepy-acting, much-older boyfriend, one comment was “Illuminati monarch slave and master.” You guys, attractive young women date unattractive or even repulsive older guys all of the time. Occam’s Razor isn’t the key to answering all questions, but it’s a lot better than Occam’s Rollercoaster Of Crazy, which is what these conspiracy theorists apparently use to guide their speculation. Another comment said: “The globalists love the MK Ultra slaves. The Globalists own all of us.”

And then, do you guys remember when Blue Ivy (the child of Beyonce and Jay-Z) was born? One of the worldwide trends was “Illuminati’s Very Youngest.” Because obviously the name “Ivy” was just an acronym. While most of the people tweeting those three words were talking about how insane it was, it is STILL all kinds of crazy that the Illuminati are brought into any discussion that is not about a work of fiction.

So stop it.


PS: I’m sorry, I had to pretend that the Illuminati don’t exist! They are always watching.

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Wintry Mix

photo of holiday versus christmas pictures
As I may have mentioned, I can be a bit less than fuzzy during the holiday season for a few reasons. A friend of mine was, I kid you not, referred to as a terrorist the other day at work because she told someone “Happy Holidays” rather than “Merry Christmas.”

A terrorist.

Anyway, though I lived in the mountains for five years (not like Katniss Everdeen or actual terrorist Eric Rudolph, but it was the same mountains) and delighted in the weather (it is not often that I feel that it is cold enough for me to need to wear long pants outdoors, but there, I could feel cold even when thoroughly bundled up. A bit of a pain at times, but wonderful, and highly preferable to being too warm. You can always bundle up more—even if you are alone or in the right company, you don’t get any less dressed than naked, and being naked and still being too warm is the worst. And where I live now, well, even a light dusting of snow would be a pleasant surprise. It has been in the 70s for a total of like a week this December, and, as I write this, we are only two weeks into the month. Blurg.

Right, so. This time of year, I do have some music that I enjoy listening to. It is not really the traditional music* for this time of year (i.e. Christmas carols—I don’t really hear Spin The Dreidel in grocery stores too often), but it is my playlist, and I enjoy it. So here it is! Because . . . feminism.

Ahem. Here is my playlist. I call it “Wintery Mix,” because forecasters say that and because I am easily amused.

1) Christmas Tree, by Lady Gaga (featuring Space Cowboy)

This one is pretty obvious. I love this song. I love the sound of this song. I love the lyrics to this song. I love the attitude. If you are, for some reason, unfamiliar, the line: “Ho, ho, ho, under the mistletoe” should provide you with a clue. I love slutty music. Also, I assume that by “Christmas tree,” she means her lady-parts, but I have not the faintest idea how she’s seeing it as a tree. But whatever.

2) Cool, by Gwen Stefani

This one is, um, really just because of the song title? I know, it’s abhorrently simple. But …

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Lady Gaga: Not A Feminist Icon, OK?

photo of lady gaga pictures
Lady Gaga gained twenty-five pounds. She gained the weight and then talked about it and then posted a picture of herself in a bra and knickers asked her “little monsters” to accept themselves as they are. She stood there baring her extra twenty-five pounds saying she was starting a “body revolution.” Every said it was a brave step and a powerful message. Me? I say ‘horseshit’.

Gaga said she was responding to general “criticism of her weight” but I hadn’t heard anything until she brought it up. Then I watched a video from “The Today Show” that said she was known for showing off her “toned body in music videos and in revealing costumes.” I was watching as they showed clips from “Born this Way” and yeah, Gaga had some nice toned abs … most of which were due to awesome contouring by her makeup team. Yes, ladies and gentleman – abs can be faked. I’m not saying she wasn’t toned, but what I am saying is that she was never that defined. That came from makeup. I’ve seen her on the beach in a bikini and those lines aren’t there in real life. So then I toggled to the pictures she posted of her “weight gain” and I gotta say … she looks better with the weight. Her boobs are fuller, her hips more round, her tummy still relatively flat, and her face is full and healthy. How is this a revolution and brave step when you’re doing what you’re “supposed” to be doing anyway?

If she hadn’t had said anything, I never would’ve known she gained weight. Why is twenty-five pounds on a underweight frame a big deal? She was clearly too small. Now she’s clearly healthy … since she’s not panicking about being healthy, lets throw her a parade!

Gaga is a strange creature. I find all this “Haus of Gaga” and “it’s performance art” a load of bull. You’re a pop star. You sample beats from other pop stars and you team up with industry professionals and work a winning formula. Congrats, really.

She tells this “hard-knocks” story about how she was at the bottom and on drugs and so depressed she wasn’t making it. Gaga went to the same school as Paris Hilton. Gaga comes from money. I’ve said it to Kid Rock and I’ll say it about Gaga—I don’t respect you for throwing away opportunity and slumming it so you can have a better story to tell to Diane Sawyer.

I understand depression and self-sabotage, and I understand running away from your family. I don’t understand denying that you came from wealth and life was easy but you made it hard. I don’t think you deserve accolades for making things harder for yourself.

I love that she embraces her “little monsters” and empowers them to accept themselves as they are, but in those pictures of her and her twenty-five extra pounds, she’s got full makeup on. Clearly, Gaga is human and has some insecurity issues. To be honest, I’m surprised she can even see her “little monsters” from that high horse she’s on.

This act, this performance, this fake put-on personality is old and tired. Just sing your pop songs, and save the performance for the stage, OK?

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This Just In: Adele Isn’t Thin

photo of adele singer pictures photos

Adele’s 21, the recent follow-up to her best-selling debut album, 19, has reached #1 on the Billboard charts and has stayed there for four weeks. It’s the first album of 2011 to go platinum. She’s Rolling Stone’s cover girl and in the interview she discusses a variety of topics. But guess which topic the press most pounced on:

The magazine explains that “Adele is not a rail-thin model type, and she doesn’t care”

What? Impossible! Adele explains:

“I don’t like going to the gym. I like eating fine foods and drinking nice wine. Even if I had a really good figure, I don’t think I’d [show] my [boobs and butt] for [anyone]. I love seeing Lady Gaga’s boobs and bum. I love seeing Katy Perry’s boobs and bum. Love it. But that’s not what my music is about. I don’t make music for eyes. I make music for ears.”

My fellow ZLers and I have covered …

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