Johnny Depp, Stop Making Me Dump You

Johnny Depp is part Native American—we all know this. Johnny Depp is playing Tonto in The Lone Ranger. When I first heard this I thought, “good—he won’t do some ridiculous portrayal” but that’s exactly what he did.  Not only is it racist—it’s bad. Really, really bad.  What the f*** is he doing?

I was so upset when I saw the trailer. Just really offended and annoyed. Then I forgot about it because who cares? It’s Johnny Depp– he hasn’t done anything worth mentioning since 2007 and that’s pushing it, I really enjoyed Sweeny Todd but if you’re not the musical type than it’s 2005 with Corpse Bride. Either way he’s a bit washed up. He burned too brightly for a while and now it’s time to go away. Every character he plays now is Captain Jack just with a different outfit. It’s so tired.

I understand that this is a remake and they want to stay true to the character but whenever there’s a remake don’t they always say it’s “reimagined” so they get credit for it and it’s not just “well yeah, this worked then it works now”? Couldn’t they have made Tonto more of a formidable person? They better delve into the fact that he is speaking Pidgin and not broken English—they owe that much.

It’s just so—so—ridiculous. I didn’t think it could get any sadder, offensive, or racist. But then Johnny Depp opened his once very sexy talented mouth:

“Since cinema has been around, Native Americans have been treated very poorly by Hollywood. What I wanted to do was play Tonto not as a sidekick — like ‘Go fetch a soda for me, boy!’ — but as a warrior with integrity and dignity,” he recently explained to the folks at Total Film. He added, “It’s my small sliver of a contribution to try to right the wrongs of the past.”

Then why are you playing him so stereotypically racist?!?!! HOW THE HELL IS YOU PLAYING TONTO RIGHTING ANYTHING?! UGH! But then he kept talking:

“I wanted to maybe give some hope to kids on the reservations. They’re living without running water and seeing problems with drugs and booze. But I wanted to be able to show these kids, “Fuck that! You’re still warriors, man.”

My boyfriend was raised on a reservation—a real one and they have running water. Johnny Depp has never lived on a reservation so he should probably shut up about that. So, you’re going to show kids that they’re warriors by being racist? Kids you think can’t afford running water but can totally afford a 15 dollar movie ticket? Show them “you’re still warriors” because that’s all Native Americans were? They weren’t inventors, hunters, doctors, they didn’t build things, or create things, they were warriors….SHUT UP!

I broke up with you on December 13, 2012 stop making me do it over and over again!

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Picture Perfect Romance

I’ve discussed my new distaste for Johnny Depp but I would be lying if I said I didn’t find his and Wynonna Ryder’s relationship romantic. It just was. It was back in the 90’s and they were the hipster couple before hipster couples were cool.

The reason I’m even talking about this is The National Enquierer released a laughable story about how Ryder is trying win back Depp. They say that Depp’s new squeeze, Amber Heard, wants him to go public with their relationship but that Depp doesn’t want to (because what 40-something-year-old-man doesn’t want the world knowing he’s with a 20-something-year-old model?). So, Heard is heading back to the arms of her ex-lesbian lover and Ryder is going to steal Depp.

Nonsense. Utter nonsense. But still…it got me thinking about Johnny Depp’s loves. He’s always rushed into being engaged and his only real long term relationship was with Vanessa Paradis but I think his relationships are some of the most romantic I’ve seen—mainly because I’ve seen them. Depp has a thing about being photographed with his ladies and the pictures always look like something out of Wuthering Heights. This new enquirer story gave me an excuse to walk down Johnny Depp relationship photo lane. Here are some of my favorites:

Johnny and Wynonna–stop it. Look at that. Just look at it. On the left we have romantic passion on the right adorable cuteness. You can’t have both! You can’t have all things! Your relationship ends.

I mean, the man knows how to lay with a woman and who holds a head like that? When you’re just having a conversation who cups the back of someone’s head? Who? No one. Stop faking life Johnny Depp.


This is by far my favorite Depp relationship picture. If you Google Depp and Paradis you get a million candid shots of them hugging and kissing. But this shot–to me–embodies all that is romantic. Then I remember that he cheated on this woman, who is the mother of his two children, for a 20-something-year-old-model.

Nothing is picture perfect.

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Why I’m Breaking Up With Johnny Depp

photo of barnabas collins johnny depp pictures
Johnny and I have loved each other and been involved for a very long time, he just doesn’t know about it. I loved Johnny Depp—really loved him. I thought he was completely brilliant. He was always photographed with a book in his hand, he owns an island with no electricity, and he raised his kids in France so they’d have culture and not be spoiled brats. He did amazing projects and he was amazing in them. He’s a musician. He played with Eddie Vedder at charity events and would pop up randomly at shows. He was just my perfect guy.

Johnny Depp has played almost every crush I’ve ever had. My first crush in the whole world was ‘Cry-Baby’. Oh yeah. I was gonna marry a motorcycle riding drape that sang country music (and I kind of did). Then he embodied Buster Keaton in Benny and Joon, he was Hunter S. Thompson (my hero) in Fear and Loathing, played Ichabod Crane in Sleepy Hollow (don’t judge me—I’ve loved Ichabod since I was seven and saw him in the cartoon version), he played a pirate and every girl loves a pirate, starred in a Stephen King film (my other hero)—don’t get me started on the Libertine (I’d get syph from him any day), and then came our first fight.

I have always had a thing for Willy Wonka, but Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka. When Depp was announced I was over the moon. Then I saw the first shots and wanted to burn him at the stake. But I forgave him because that’s what you do when you love someone. He’ll make this up to me, and he did with Jack Sparrow. A sexy pirate? Johnny, you know how to please your girl. Then Sweeney Todd … playing on my love of serial killers? Johnny … I am eternally yours. Then he did it again. Johnny Depp was announced as the Mad Hatter in Alice in Wonderland. Shut the f-ck up. Guys, I love Alice. The wifi at my house is called the Rabbit Hole, I refuse to have door handles without key hole locks, and I have rabbit that guards my front door. The Mad Hatter is my boo. The Mad Hatter and Ichabod are my childhood dream boats. Then I saw the first shots of the Mad Hatter. That was our first real fight. That fight would lead to our eventual divorce.

After Alice came more Pirates. Pirates number 4? Really? Even Orlando Bloom stepped away from that shipwreck of a franchise. After Pirates 1 those movies are shit. You’re making them just to make them at this point, Johnny! You swore you never would! Yes, I know that it affords you the ability to dress as Jack and read to kids at schools and hospitals but come on … draw the line! Then came The Rum Diary, a Hunter S. Thompson story. I was so excited, my love was going to come back to me. Nope. Wrong.

I could not and still cannot fathom how Johnny, one of Hunter’s most beloved friends, could allow that book to turn into that movie. For shame, Johnny. Then the final straw happened. Johnny Depp f-cked up Barnabas Collins.

When I was eight I had a bout of insomnia that literally almost killed me. Eight days of no sleep for an eight-year-old. The only thing I could do was watch TV. Scifi played the original Dark Shadows and I fell hard for Barnabas. I own the DVDs, I named a dog after him (I still have the tag on my key chain) and now Johnny was going to play him. For those of you who didn’t see Dark Shadows consider yourself lucky; Tim Burton and Johnny Depp ruined that show. There aren’t words for what they did to that story and that character. They should be banned from making anymore movies together. Their time has passed and so had mine and Johnny’s.

After Dark Shadow’s I called it off. This was not “my Johnny” anymore. After our break came his break up with his real life love, Vanessa Paradis, and more of the true Johnny emerged. He’s a douche. A huge douche. He is on any stage that will have him. He’s playing with Manson, Aerosmith, Alice Cooper, the Stones, and a few others all within six months. He’s also staring in “The Lone Ranger” and updated version of the television show as Tonto. What a piece of trash that movie looks like. After that comes yet another Pirates film. I was also really disappointed when I read that the split with Paradis was cause by an affair. Really? You’re going to cheat on the mother of your two children? Come on! Douche move.

I’m done, we’re done. I’ve moved on. We had our fun but Johnny; you need to find yourself again. Get back to the Johnny I used to love because this guy … he’s just such a douche.

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