I Want To Buy A Zoo, Too

I’ve always loved animals. My dream was to runaway to Africa and live like the offspring of Jane Goodall and George Adamson. I really think that I could have a pet elephant, lion, tiger, monkey, shark, dolphin, so basically, I think I could have a zoo, as well.

I watched ‘Born Free’ over and over again. I researched George Adamson to see if I could figure out if I too could live with wild lions. When I read the Life article about Melanie Griffiths family living with lions I about died. It can be done! If I read a Buzzfeed post or news story about anyone living with wild animals I become useless for the rest of the day. I have to stare at the story and pictures for at least 3 hours and then spend the next 21 hours picturing my life with all my favorite animals.

When I read the story about Chips, I realized I needed to something about my problem. Chips is a young bobcat. Fire crews found her in August while battling a 75,000-acre fire. They removed her from the fire and kept her safe but when it came time to re-release her into the wild, they realized she’s too nice. THE WILD BOBCAT IS TOO NICE.

This is just like Elsa the lion. That’s what started George Adamson’s life in Kenya. He and his then wife were taking care of Elsa because she was a zoo lion, and she didn’t know how to survive. He taught her to be wild and they all ended up staying in Kenya to live with wild …

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Why I’m Breaking Up With Johnny Depp

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Johnny and I have loved each other and been involved for a very long time, he just doesn’t know about it. I loved Johnny Depp—really loved him. I thought he was completely brilliant. He was always photographed with a book in his hand, he owns an island with no electricity, and he raised his kids in France so they’d have culture and not be spoiled brats. He did amazing projects and he was amazing in them. He’s a musician. He played with Eddie Vedder at charity events and would pop up randomly at shows. He was just my perfect guy.

Johnny Depp has played almost every crush I’ve ever had. My first crush in the whole world was ‘Cry-Baby’. Oh yeah. I was gonna marry a motorcycle riding drape that sang country music (and I kind of did). Then he embodied Buster Keaton in Benny and Joon, he was Hunter S. Thompson (my hero) in Fear and Loathing, played Ichabod Crane in Sleepy Hollow (don’t judge me—I’ve loved Ichabod since I was seven and saw him in the cartoon version), he played a pirate and every girl loves a pirate, starred in a Stephen King film (my other hero)—don’t get me started on the Libertine (I’d get syph from him any day), and then came our first fight.

I have always had a thing for Willy Wonka, but Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka. When Depp was announced I was over the moon. Then I saw the first shots and wanted to burn him at the stake. But I forgave him because that’s what you do when you love someone. He’ll make this up to me, and he did with Jack Sparrow. A sexy pirate? Johnny, you know how to please your girl. Then Sweeney Todd … playing on my love of serial killers? Johnny … I am eternally yours. Then he did it again. Johnny Depp was announced as the Mad Hatter in Alice in Wonderland. Shut the f-ck up. Guys, I love Alice. The wifi at my house is called the Rabbit Hole, I refuse to have door handles without key hole locks, and I have rabbit that guards my front door. The Mad Hatter is my boo. The Mad Hatter and Ichabod are my childhood dream boats. Then I saw the first shots of the Mad Hatter. That was our first real fight. That fight would lead to our eventual divorce.

After Alice came more Pirates. Pirates number 4? Really? Even Orlando Bloom stepped away from that shipwreck of a franchise. After Pirates 1 those movies are shit. You’re making them just to make them at this point, Johnny! You swore you never would! Yes, I know that it affords you the ability to dress as Jack and read to kids at schools and hospitals but come on … draw the line! Then came The Rum Diary, a Hunter S. Thompson story. I was so excited, my love was going to come back to me. Nope. Wrong.

I could not and still cannot fathom how Johnny, one of Hunter’s most beloved friends, could allow that book to turn into that movie. For shame, Johnny. Then the final straw happened. Johnny Depp f-cked up Barnabas Collins.

When I was eight I had a bout of insomnia that literally almost killed me. Eight days of no sleep for an eight-year-old. The only thing I could do was watch TV. Scifi played the original Dark Shadows and I fell hard for Barnabas. I own the DVDs, I named a dog after him (I still have the tag on my key chain) and now Johnny was going to play him. For those of you who didn’t see Dark Shadows consider yourself lucky; Tim Burton and Johnny Depp ruined that show. There aren’t words for what they did to that story and that character. They should be banned from making anymore movies together. Their time has passed and so had mine and Johnny’s.

After Dark Shadow’s I called it off. This was not “my Johnny” anymore. After our break came his break up with his real life love, Vanessa Paradis, and more of the true Johnny emerged. He’s a douche. A huge douche. He is on any stage that will have him. He’s playing with Manson, Aerosmith, Alice Cooper, the Stones, and a few others all within six months. He’s also staring in “The Lone Ranger” and updated version of the television show as Tonto. What a piece of trash that movie looks like. After that comes yet another Pirates film. I was also really disappointed when I read that the split with Paradis was cause by an affair. Really? You’re going to cheat on the mother of your two children? Come on! Douche move.

I’m done, we’re done. I’ve moved on. We had our fun but Johnny; you need to find yourself again. Get back to the Johnny I used to love because this guy … he’s just such a douche.



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Eight-Year-Old Girl Says It’s Cool To Be A Girl

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When I was eight- years-old I was the biggest tom-boy. I hated everything girly—including that fact that I was one. Being eight is an odd time for a girl, because you’re right in the middle between a kid and a teen. Eight is when kids start turning into jerks. They start finding their own way and pushing every boundary you put in front of them. What can I say—it’s what happens.

However, I was so pleased when I saw this letter from an eight-year-old girl hit the Internet, which reads (in its original spelling with grown up translation):

We have veginas [vaginas]. We get jobs. We are creative. We have stuff that makes us preanet [pregnant]. We have milk in our bobes [boobs]. We are smart. We have power.

This letter was written as a response to “why it’s cool to be a girl.” There are so many things that make me happy about this letter.  “We get jobs,” “we are creative,” “we have power” … that makes me so proud, and sixty years ago, stuff like this wouldn’t be on this letter. At eight years old, she knows that women have power. At eight years old she thinks that the ability to create and sustain life is cool, and that it doesn’t take away from her ability to be powerful, either.

The letter was posted on the popular site Reddit by a proud parent. And you know what? They should be proud and more parents should be like them. After hearing so much complaining about being a woman, how hard it is to be one, how unfair it is to be one, I’m glad an eight-year-old has the smarts to say, “It’s cool to be a chick.”



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Tony Blair in Running for 2010 Bad Sex Award

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Ouch. Tony Blair’s autobiography, A Journey, has been nominated for the award no author wants to win – the Bad Sex. And the nomination is not only a criticism of Blair’s skill at writing, um, bedroom prose, but also of the historical accuracy of the events he writes about in the book – as the Bad Sex Award, for those of you not in the know about this, one of the UK’s most well-known prizes, is dedicated to clumsy erotic scenes in fiction. Double ouch.

The Bad Sex Award is awarded each year from the Literary Review, and celebrates ‘poorly written, redundant or crude passages of a sexual nature.’ The prize, which is awarded at a posh London party, is widely regarded as a …

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