Fake Chest

Women have been buying padded bras, push up bras, butt enhancers, spanx, makeup, slimming this, covering that products since the beginning of time. I bet cavewomen wrapped their animal skin in just the right way to enhance that ass.


Men, on the other hand, just kind of throw on a jeans and a T-shirt and they’re good to go. Remember the trucker hat phase? Remember when men would wear those god-awful hats and we were supposed to find that attractive?


Take a step back and look at what passes for fashion for men. You don’t have to be any size or shape. Even an overweight midget can look good if a suit is tailored right. My point is, men never have to try. But maybe I’m wrong….I found this while browsing the interwebs.

This is a fake torso. It’s got a nicely defined chest and six pack abs and you just strap it on and you’re good to go. No time for the gym? No worries. Love pasta? Have a another bowl! You can just strap this little bad boy on the next time your cruising ladies at the bar.


Who would buy this? Who sat down, wrote this idea on a piece of paper, and then took this to a company where men in suits said, “YES! Do it! Make this product!” No one is buying this right?


Well, if they are I guess we can find joy in the fact that now men will be embarrassed when they take off their shirt and their body isn’t want they pretend it was.

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So Sexist It’s Comical


Gender roles are clearly established when it comes to children’s toys and clothing; blue for boys, pink for girls, GI Joe for Jack, Barbie for Jill. But, there had been an influx of children declaring this is not fair! There was the little girl throwing a tantrum about the colors in the toy aisle, then there was a little girl writing to Hasboro about the discrepancy in female characters in the game Guess Who, the dad who stood up for his three-year-old son’s right to wear a dress like his sister. However, big business isn’t taking notice.

Marvel Comics is having a big year. The Avengers II is coming out, Iron Man III, huge influx in interest in comics—both male and female. It’s only natural that they would want to capitalize on this. Marvel has been ahead of the social curve—usually. They had the first comic hero gay wedding, they created a deaf superhero so that a little boy would feel good about his hearing aid–  I’m a huge Marvel fan…but they screwed the pooch on this one.

The shirts for the Avengers franchise have “boys and girls” versions. The boy version is blue and says “Be A Hero”. How cute is that? I can picture my little nephew running around in that pretending to be The Hulk or Captain America. You know what I can’t see? I can’t see my niece running around in her version of the shit that says, “I Need A Hero”. That’s right, my niece can run around screaming like a damsel in distress while my nephew can run up and save her—clearly the girl always needs saving. Nonsense! Marvel…why? Why did you have to do this? We had such a good thing going! And why is the girl’s shirt eight dollars more expensive? Not only do I need a hero I need to pay more to declare it? Screw you! I’m frugal and therefore I am the hero of my bank account…I don’t need a hero I am a hero!

Strike one Marvel…you’ve got two more—don’t screw it up.

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Oh Deer…


Some women have ‘the bride gene’ they just want to be brides. They can’t wait for that special day when they drop 35k on a single event. They spend years dreaming about their perfect dress, the food, the venue etc. They pick out bridesmaids gifts and plan their something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue. But now there is a new trend in bridal fashion and it’s very deer. No, I didn’t misspell that…it’s deer antlers.
For $325.00 you can put a “bridal mini hat” made by Fine & Fleurie on your head as you walk up the aisle. But it’s not any “mini hat” it’s antlers. They’re freaking antlers. I love minis anything teacup sized will send me into squeals so I’m pretty upset that they’re using people’s love of mini’s to lure them into antlers.
Fine & Fleurie say, “this is a great piece for a fearless, whimsical bride.” Huh? Fearless I get…but whimsical? What is whimsical about strapping antlers on your head? I’m not knocking crazy fashion, I’m a grown woman that wears an owl snow hat…I get it sometimes you just feel like being an animal but antlers? On your wedding day?
Maybe I’m not the best source for this. Weddings have always been a source of confusion for me. If I’m going to go in debt I’m not going in debt over a wedding—a car, a house, a month in Europe yes, but not a wedding. I don’t understand why this one day matters so much and to that point I’d like to submit that women that have Pinterest boards planning their wedding—when they are not engaged should be quarantined.
In researching outlandish wedding ideas I headed to Pinterest which is the Mecca of weddings and food. I was browsing through some friend’s boards, some friends of friends, and was amazed at how many of these people are planning lavish weddings when they don’t have a proposal. Some have boyfriends—which shocks me that this doesn’t send a man running—but most are single.
Wait, I think I understand it…the same women that plan a wedding without a proposal are the “whimsical” types that pay $325 bucks to stick antlers on their head and call it fashion.

I was discussing this article with my friend Bunny and she put it best. She asked what one had to with the other and I said that I was trying to illustrate that there are varying degrees of crazy but crazy is crazy. To which she replied, “No way. There are a million different shades of crazy. I’m crazy, but in a much different way than you are crazy, and we are both crazy in different ways than Martha Stewart -now that bitch is crazy.”

So the point is, ladies, embrace your crazy. If you want to plan a wedding without a proposal, put antlers on your head, or go to jail for insider training and come out wearing a poncho knitted by your cell mate– do you.

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It’s Not the Man It’s the Miniskirt

In Swaziland, which is in South Africa, they’re saying “It’s not the men, it’s the miniskirts that cause rape.”  Yup, they are enforcing an 1889 law against “immoral” dressing—aka miniskirts, low-rise jeans, or crop tops.  Police spokesperson Wendy Hlelta said, “We do not encourage that women should be harmed, but at the same time people should note acceptable conduct of behavior. The act of the rapist is made easy because it would be easy to remove the half-cloth worn by the women. I have read from the social networks that men and even other women have a tendency of ‘undressing people with their eyes’. That becomes easier when the clothes are hugging or are more revealing.”

Right, because rapists don’t attack women in mom jeans. It’s the sexuality of the dress, it’s not the screwed up mindset of the man! Don’t you see? Women should learn how to “not get raped”—you don’t need to teach man to not rape.

To that end, women are also being instructed on how to bend over and pick things up properly:  “For females it is polite that when you have dropped something, squat with your upper body still upright and pick up the item rather than bending half your body head first to pick up the item.”

Don’t bend over or men will rape you!  And I thought America was behind in the progressive country movement. Hell, we might just be on par with a country you never heard of in South Africa.  This is insane, this is insulating and this is sad.

It’s not the miniskirt, it’s not the red lipstick, it’s not the CFM heels—it’s the man. I’ll even go one further, it’s the man the culture that protects him by blaming the woman. Enough.

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