Illuminati, Illuminati, Illuminati

After one of Lady Gaga’s earliest music videos (I forget which one), I read a comment on Evil Beet Gossip that began with “Illuminati, Illuminati, Illuminati.” The (insane) commenter then described interpretations of how Lady Gaga’s hands were positioned and how that was some sort of Illuminati signal.

This was the first time in my life that I realized that there were people outside of psychiatric hospitals and works of fiction who believe in a vast and long-lived conspiratorial cabal that secretly controls almost everything, from governments and corporations to pop singers.

This idea is . . . insane. But what is really, really insane is the “evidence” to which people point to prove their erratic conspiracy theories. Because what you see from these whackadoos more than moneymaking schemes is absolutely-off-the-rails interpretations of innocuous entertainment. Like this deranged break-down of Madonna’s Half-Time show.

Now, for one thing, I’ve learned from reading these comments (usually on Evil Beet Gossip, though they only show up occasionally) that by “Illuminati” they actually mean “anything and everything that they imagine.” A specific set of religious beliefs (Pagan, Catholic, Muslim, Satanist—basically whatever they like), secret government mind-control programs (MK Ultra was a real, failed government program that, um, did not successfully grant Illuminati “monarchs” mind-control powers), or honestly whatever they want. Any mention of MK Ultra that is not about the past government project, science fiction, or the Muse song should be grounds for being committed to a psychiatric facility.

The results are entertaining, but they would be more so if there weren’t real people who held these beliefs. People who have the right to vote and raise children and own guns.

Okay, from the analysis of Madonna’s Half-Time show, here is an excerpt.

We see the male dancers doing acrobats for her track “Music”. During this chaos, there were two male dancers that got down on all fours, like the Muslims do when they pray to Allah.  Most cheerleading teams, do not actually assume a prostration position when building a pyramid but in Satanic Rituals, it is believed that Lucifer or the devil would assume a prostration position and the witches would line up and kiss his anus as a sign of respect.  We not only saw a classic Lucifer Ritual Pose but we also saw the quick building of a pyramid by her dancers.

What the hell.

I mean, even disregarding that this person makes up a non-existent Satanic ritual in order to prove that Madonna’s show was in reference to it, and disregarding the fact that the author of this analysis apparently lacks the ability to distinguish between individual religions, if the Illuminati were a real thing who controlled the world, why would they hide clues to their existence in some of the most-viewed pieces of entertainment in the world? I mean, if they did that, any deranged loner could piece together all of their all-powerful conspiratorial secrets.

Obviously, that’s just the sort of thinking that “they” want me to have.

And under this Evil Beet Gossip post about Mary-Kate Olsen having a creepy-acting, much-older boyfriend, one comment was “Illuminati monarch slave and master.” You guys, attractive young women date unattractive or even repulsive older guys all of the time. Occam’s Razor isn’t the key to answering all questions, but it’s a lot better than Occam’s Rollercoaster Of Crazy, which is what these conspiracy theorists apparently use to guide their speculation. Another comment said: “The globalists love the MK Ultra slaves. The Globalists own all of us.”

And then, do you guys remember when Blue Ivy (the child of Beyonce and Jay-Z) was born? One of the worldwide trends was “Illuminati’s Very Youngest.” Because obviously the name “Ivy” was just an acronym. While most of the people tweeting those three words were talking about how insane it was, it is STILL all kinds of crazy that the Illuminati are brought into any discussion that is not about a work of fiction.

So stop it.


PS: I’m sorry, I had to pretend that the Illuminati don’t exist! They are always watching.

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Can We Talk About Taylor Swift For A Moment?

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Personally, I am not really a fan. I am really sorry that that one guy at the 2009 VMAs interrupted her like a crazy person. Kanye West, right? I only have a vague idea of who he is. His tweets are basically those of Tracy Jordan from 30 Rock, as I understand things.

Mostly against my will, I do know who Taylor Swift is. I started becoming aware of famous people about whom I do not care when I started reading Evil Beet Gossip back in late 2008—and I have been addicted ever since.

Some number of months after the 2009 VMAs, I saw this adorable video, which is the gay version of her “You Belong With Me” music video. As a result, I know that particular song. I have not genuinely cared for any of her music that I have heard.

I know that she has great taste in guys. I know that, despite her awful bangs, she is a beautiful young woman who is extremely successful and has a figure for which millions of young women would kill.

I also know that I am not a fan. Her music has this very southern element to it and, while my family has been in this part of the southeastern United States for at least seven generations, and probably more than that, I am not a fan of Country Music. The sound of a banjo honestly just seems like the music that would accompany a lynch mob. Also, and perhaps more importantly, Taylor Swift’s music seems, lyrically, all about romance and love. Not just that—a lot of music is about love—but about these fairytale and juvenile ideas about romance. I am twenty-five, so, quite naturally, life crushed all of that nonsense out of my head about a decade ago. Her refusal to accept the reality that love and relationships do not happen like they do in vintage Disney films does not appeal to me.

So, have you guys read this brilliant post by the lovely Emily on Evil Beet? Read it. Also, read the comments. Oh my goodness. (Also, I have no idea if ForgetWhatSimonSays is a reference to me or to something else. It’s presumptuous to assume that some crankypants named his or her commenting identity after me, though, right?)

My favorite of the comments is definitely from Mireee, who is one of my favorite commenters on Evil Beet, period. “Fucking hell, so she and her friends don’t even pass the Bechdel Test when they’re together.” I died. Too funny. And too accurate.

Talking about boys is one thing. Only talking about boys, with all of your friends? I do not understand Taylor Swift. And maybe I am not meant to.

Of the people whom I know, her fans tend to be girls and gay guys with very Southern leanings in terms of their senses of identity (especially gay friends from scarily small towns). Also, often but not always, concepts of highly improbable runaway romances fill their minds. These people enjoy the feelings that I have long since buried, and I will not begrudge them for it.

She comes from a different world than I do, and so do her fans. That world does not exist, but I guess that they enjoy it. I can sit back and ignore it, even if I am always disgusted when people romanticize the 1950s.

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Sarah Jessica Parker Hates Her Husband Daily and Why This is Probably Not So Healthy

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If you happen to follow Evil Beet Gossip as well as Zelda Lily (and to those of you who do, kudos to you for taking it all with a grain of salt, ha!), you probably noticed an interesting conversation sparked by one of the recent posts concerning actress Sarah Jessica Parker and some comments she made about her husband, Matthew Broderick. When interviewed about Broderick and their marriage, Sarah had this to say:

“I think that’s healthy and I think it’s realistic. Some people have it down to 20 minutes a week. Other unfortunate people have it down to 20 minutes per hour.”

What Sarah’s referring to is the fact that she, herself, “hates” her husband for twenty minutes a day, and claims that those figures are actually pretty good in comparison to … well, I don’t know who, exactly, she’s comparing herself to, but if what she says is true, I’d hate to meet those who “hate” their spouses for larger blocks of time on a higher frequency.

What’s also interesting is that many of the commenters – some quite different from those we have here on Zelda Lily – supported Sarah’s comments and claimed that they, too, “hate” their partners for significant periods of time weekly or daily. To me, this came …

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OkCupid Gives Us The Mathematics of Female Beauty While Attempting to Avoid Judging Anyone

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As usual, OkCupid’s latest blogpost tries to take some of the mystery out of online dating, explaining “The Mathematics of Female Beauty.” They’re expanding upon their work about what white people really like, and the difference between straight sex and gay sex, as if we weren’t aware of both those answers on some deep subconscious level. But this new post made me wonder: what’s the difference between facesnarking and healthy commentary and conjecture?

Specifically focused on women (don’t worry, men are to come), this piece “investigates female attractiveness, but without the usual photo analysis stuff. Instead, we look past a woman’s picture, into the reaction she creates in the reptile mind of the human male.” Basically, with the permission of some OkCupid users, the writers looked at different photos of women to see whether those that were rated the highest on their site actually got the most messages. The results might surprise you, or maybe not: they found that women whose looks are more polarizing actually get more messages than women who …

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