I’m just kidding, no they’re not. I mean, they are, but you can’t have really been all that surprised about it, right? You were a fourteen-year-old at one point too, and unless you were the wide-eyed horse-loving girl-pariah, or the plaid-wearing, bug-loving boy who kept his entomology collection in his locker, then you were probably a superfreak, too.
Do we agree? OK. Moving on.
Friend to all nosy parents, and upcoming internet sensation, Ryan Jones has broken the code on your kids’ text speak. That’s right, folks, it goes way, way deeper than just OMG and WTF. There is a positive cornucopia of quasi-appalling innuendos and lewd suggestions behind each and every text that your adolescents’ sexual time bomb-ticking fingers fire off each and every hour of the day. But yet parents are surprised at this. And are taken aback that their middle-school-aged or high school children know what oral sex is and worse — gasp! — talk about it. I mean, I can vividly remember being a lowly seventh grader, talking about how “huuuge” our gym teacher’s penis must be. Why? No fucking clue. It’s not as if he paraded around in a speedo or wore ultra-short shorts that exposed his balls or anything; it was more of a freedom of expression than anything. A “Hey, guys, we’re over the age of twelve now. We can talk about dicks,” type of expression. [Cue the shrill, maniacal laughter of middle school girls because I said "dick."]