Day Three in Celebrity Rants: Justin Bieber is Rude

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Justin Bieber is worth 110 million dollars. Justin Bieber is eighteen years old. Justin Bieber has had sex with Selena Gomez. Justin Bieber drives a car called a Fisker Karma worth over 100,000 dollars and it’s covered in chrome. Justin Bieber turned a Cadillac into a Batmobile. Justin Bieber bought a 10.8 million dollar house on his eighteenth birthday. I can name two Bieber songs, that “Baby” one and the “Boyfriend” one. I have no freaking idea how he has everything he has. I do know a guy that totally hooked up with his mom, though.

Justin Bieber is another perfect depiction of what is wrong with the world. He’s not Chris Brown (yet), but he’s still an arrogant, self satisfied, insufferable jerk face with negligible talent. I’m not saying he can’t sing, I’m saying he can’t sing well enough to be worth 110 million dollars. But all of that aside, my issue with Bieber this week is that he is a disrespectful little brat. Remember when he had that 911 chase? Where he caused really dangerous driving conditions on a freeway to get rid of a paparazzi? Yes, the paparazzi was wrong for chasing, but Bieber was also wrong for going well over 90 miles an hour on a California freeway. I don’t even know how you manage to do that … I can never break 70, it’s so permanently gridlocked. Bieber is in this high-speed chase and he calls 911 to report the paparazzi, when the operator asks what kind of car he’s driving he tells her “a Fisker”, when the operator response with “A what?” Bieber responds in the most condescending teenage voice, “UHHH FISSS-K-ERRRRR”. I’m sorry Justin Bieber, every day people with real jobs don’t know what a f-cking Fisker is, how about you not talk down to 911 operators and just focus on hitting your falsetto before your balls drop, eh?

His latest foray into being disrespectful, however, comes in the form of overalls. Bieber was meeting Canadian Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, to receive the Diamond Jubilee Medal earlier last week. I will restrain myself from ranting about how Justin Bieber doesn’t deserve a medal for anything since he owns “UHHH FISSS-K-ERRRRR” which is a giant freaking medal, if you ask me, and talk about the fact that he wore overalls to meet his Prime Minister. Yup, the Biebs is Canadian, and he was honored by the leader of his country, and he wore one strap painter’s overalls, and a backwards cap. Then the he Tweeted: “I met the Prime Minister in overalls lol. I hope you hate my style.”

Lol! Yeah it is laughable; you’re freaking laughable, Bieber! You cannot stand in front of a head of state in overalls. You cannot stand anywhere over the age of two in overalls. Bieber’s excuse was he “came right from a show and didn’t have time to change”. Really? You were never in a car? You can change in a car. Wait a minute, that means he didn’t shower either, that means you met the head of your country smelling like a disgusting teenager in overalls. How gross. Show some respect. Look, I know I probably sound like Walter Matthau from Grumpy Old Men here, but I don’t care because deep down I believe that I am Max Goldman and both films were based on my life, and I’m not wrong. It’s rude.

Justin Bieber. He’s rude, OK?

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Post-Election Reflection: What We Could Have Had

I voted in this election, of course. And I was so excited when Obama was reelected—as were the vast majority of my friends and family. Also, the actors and celebrities whom I follow on Twitter. An Australian actress whom I adore tweeted about watching Obama’s inspiring victory speech while working out at the gym. The entire world was watching us, and I do not have to awkwardly explain that “we tried our best,” or “please don’t hate all of us,” over the internet to my friends in other countries (as I did, as a senior in high school, when Bush was reelected). Our country is continuing to move in the right direction. We still have a President who thinks that gay people, women, and religious minorities are actually people and that zygotes and corporations are not. I almost* couldn’t be more excited.

But we did miss out on a few things that an end to the Obama Presidency and a Romney administration would have meant.

First of all, a Romney White House would probably have meant an end to the First Lady’s crusade against childhood happiness. Because seriously. I am so tired of her Disgusting Food And Miserable Activities initiative. You know what? Elementary school is Hell on Earth. You’re a powerless, miserable child whose entire day, at home and at school, is planned out by adults. The one highlight of a typical third grader’s day? Lunch. People complain about cafeteria food, but if you live in a household where hot dogs and pizza and fried anything is a rare treat, lunch in elementary school is this magical time when you get to eat delicious food and socialize with your peers—or read a book. Food is happiness in its purest physical form, and I, for one, want for children to be happy.

I trust that I do not even have to explain to people why jumping rope outside or playing some kind of sportsball in your backyard is, even if you enjoy it, a hideously inferior activity to anything that you might do indoors. Legos, action figures (or Barbies, etc), books, television, video games—children today have so many delightful ways of entertaining themselves that have nothing to do with the insect-ridden, overly warm, overly humid, exposed, way-too-bright outdoors. Playing outdoors is for barbarians. As a child, I only did it when forced to. And I was forced to.

Guess what? Forcing children to play outside and to eat that gross green stuff that grows in dirt? It does not work. My family only drank water at dinner, we had a “salad night” at least once a week, and my mother used even meaty foods as mules to smuggle even more vegetables into our gullets. In my complaints about my (less than pleasant) childhood, this does not even make the top ten, but it’s not something that I remember fondly, either.

And then I went off to college, where I slowly began to realize that I did not have to eat like I had been required to for all of my life. If I made double-stuffed Oreos (or, more likely, quadruple-stuffed), I could discard the gross chocolate wafers that had no crème on them for a roommate to eat. You can control your weight with how much you eat, and how often (plus riding an exercise bike in front of a television); you do not have to make eating a miserable activity, even some of the time.

As an adult, to quote the fabulous Leslie Knope of Parks and Recreation, “I stand by my decision to avoid salad . . . and other disgusting things.”

Okay, so the second thing that we missed out on that we would have had with a Romney Presidency: Mitt Romney Sucks Pass It On. It was a simple post made on Tumblr. For those of you unfamiliar, Tumblr is a blog site where users can upload images, text, or even music or video, which can easily be “liked” and “reblogged” by others on Tumblr. Personally, I tend to take screencaps from shows that I watch, add text from the scene in question, and that makes up the vast majority of my original posts to Tumblr. My most popular original post to Tumblr is from a few weeks ago (taken from ABC’s Once Upon A Time), has 120 “notes” (a number derived from the likes and reblogs that the post has received, mostly from strangers). It is not unusual to see posts with several thousands notes.

One simple, unassuming text post titled: “Mitt Romney Sucks, Pass It On” did not include anything beyond a title. It has received over ten million notes. That is, for the record, a lot. It is, to the best of anyone’s knowledge, the single most popular post ever on Tumblr. With a Mitt Romney Presidency, imagine how many likes and reblogs it could have gotten over four years.

Third, but not last, is all of the poor hurt feelings in our neighboring country of Canada. Just look at this graphic (also on Tumblr), depicting Canada’s disappointment that pro-Obama Americans will not be flocking across the border to a country that has gun control, universal health care, same-sex marriage, and the right to choose. This picture is adorable.

Finally, and most seriously, a Romney White House might have meant a serious reduction among the crazies. If you’ve watched NCIS or Law & Order or just about any other crime drama, you are probably familiar with the ironically named “Patriot” movement or similar movements. These are whackadoo militia-types who are paranoid and crazy. They do not register the births of their children or socialize them normally (even beyond the normal crippling social isolation that comes with homeschooling). They do not vote or obey speed limits or traffic lights. They are, in essence, a bunch of terrifying, well-armed anarchists who often have some very racist views.

Now, if you know someone who is a gun-nut, that’s just weird. But, weird like my obsession with superheroes. Admittedly, my obsession with superheroes does not really equip me to kill people, but my point is that these “Patriots” (who do not acknowledge the legitimacy of the US government) are scary and you should not just assume that someone who is super into guns is one of them.

The “Patriot” movement sprouted up while Clinton was in office, went down when Bush was in office, and then cropped back up with a vengeance when Obama was first elected. In other words, if the political Right is unhappy with the President, the absolute fringe of the fringe right loses their minds.

If Romney had won, these lunatics might have taken four years off to only be normal amounts of crazy.


*The absolute Most Beautiful Human On Earth retweeted one of my tweets on Election Day, which kind of almost completely overshadowed the entire election for me because I have “very sensible” priorities.

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Are Current Tennis Match Regulations Sexist?

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In an article in Canada’s National Post, sports writer Joe O’Connor presents the following conundrum:

Women play 60 minutes in hockey, 90 in soccer and run 26.2 miles marathons, just like men do. And yet in tennis, in 2011, in an era where the gender wars are supposed to be over, on Sunday two women will meet in this year’s U.S. Open final and play best-of-three-sets — while the men will play best-of-five the following day.

Apparently women used to play best-of-five matches, but, according to 1973 champ Billie Jean King:

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Stephen Harper Won’t Discuss Abortion

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Earlier this week, Canadians re-elected Prime Minister Stephen Harper. This is a big deal, because a few months back Harper was found in contempt of parliament (which is the legal charge for obstructing government- he refused to release portions of his budget the parliament, which as you might guess, would be pretty problematic to the members of parliament who had to vote on said budget). After being held in contempt, the other party leaders carried through a vote of no confidence, which threw us all into an election. And somehow this embarrassing  and disgustingly illegal act flew over the tops of the heads of Canadians, and we re-elected the liar.
But enough about our disastrous apathy towards democracy- for more on the entire shameful mess, you can go here.
What will Harper’s Conservative government mean for women?
Abortion has been without legal restriction since 1988. However, in the election race, one of the conservative candidates, Brad Trost, mentioned …

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