Why Are Women The Moral Compass?

Why do women always have to be the moral compasses on television? This was a thought I had while watching “House”. I mean, really, how annoying is Cameron on that show? She is overly moral, rigid, frivolous, and while being overly moral and sickeningly ethical she also is head over ass for her boss and kind of blackmails him into dating her in one episode. Oh! And there was that episode where she and Chase hooked up instead of watching the patient. She’s the worst. That got me thinking…in ensemble casts the chick is always the moral compass or the dumb slut. There is no in-between.

If a female deviates from this role she is punished. This is illustrated in the terrible film “Drinking Buddies”. Olivia Wilde, sidebar: how hot is Olivia Wilde? Sickeningly, right? I only watched this piece of junk film to stare at her—and this is coming from someone in a relationship with a man. I’m like a two on the Kinsey scale—but man she’d put me to a five. I digress.

In this movie, Drinking Buddies, Olivia Wilde works at a brewery and she’s the coolest girl in an all-male environment. Her best bud is a dude who makes beer at the brewery. He’s dating Anna Kendrick (also hot).  Olivia is dating a dude and the only real scene they have together is when he gives her a book and tells her the lead reminds him of her, when she says something like, “why? Is she…”  he corrects her and says the lead is a “male” , get it? She’s too butch. You can’t do a dude job, hang out with dudes, and drink like a dude, and be a girl. No…that makes you a dude.

He ends up leaving her because he falls for Kendrick’s character who’s very girly, she’s a sweet, dress wearing, teacher.  Throughout the film you can tell that Wilde and her guy friend have an attraction and I was convinced something was going to happen between them but nothing does, because the chick—who acts too much like a dude has to end up alone and looking like an ungrateful bitch (she treats this friend like junk), and the stand-up gentleman does not stray no matter how hot the chick is because he’s got such a nice sweet girl at home. Gimme a break. I’m ruining this movie because it’s that bad and if you were thinking of seeing it I want to stop you. This is me stopping you. You’re welcome.

There’s no point to the movie.  The point was to annoy me I’m sure. But then I thought about Olivia Wilde….she was on House (and we come full circle) and she was a basket case on that show too. She was a bi-sexual, thrill seeker, reckless, cold, standoffish, and ran away from every problem she ever had. I’m pretty sure if a woman is mind numbingly gorgeous you have to make her wreck just to deal with her. Seriously, a woman can’t be Wildely hot (see what I did there?) and balanced. Something has to be wrong with her so the rest of the world can cope.

Well, guess what world—I’ve interacted with Olivia Wilde in real life and she is that hot in person and stupidly awesome. She’s funny, and smart, and kind, and I’m pretty sure she’s perfect. I’m also pretty sure that this 570 word essay is just my way of publically declaring my love for Olivia Wilde—and House… man, that was such a great show…if you just ignore Cameron.



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Elizabeth Banks is Better Than You—Just Ask Her

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Elizabeth Banks is a mother of two and a successful actress. Naturally, we want to know her thoughts on how regular women should look after having a baby because Banks is an expert on these things, of course. When asked about it she said:

“I think, a true disservice what’s going on right now with all these celebrity moms … [F]irst of all, I just want to remind people that celebrities generally are genetically superior human beings on a certain level anyway … they’re mostly thin, you know, they’ve got trainers, they work out, they’ve got money, they’ve got the ability, you know, and they are normally genetically predisposed to being thin people anyway, so like these women who are holding up, you know, certain people as their benchmark after they’ve had a child, like just go be with your kid for a minute … don’t get to the gym right away. It’s alright. This is not how it’s supposed to be, everybody. Calm down.”

Oh, so you’re genetically superior to me because someone pays you a lot of money to do ridiculous things? They also pay people to spend two to five hours making you look pretty, they pay people to write the things you say, and a person to tell you what to do, and all of that makes you genetically superior. Okay, you’re superior to me so please tell me about how I should fell about having a baby since you’ve had two…OH NO WAIT YOU DIDN’T!

That’s right, Elizabeth Banks is saying she’s better than you and you shouldn’t worry about getting back in shape because you’re not like her who is predisposed to being thin. Except Elizabeth Banks didn’t have to worry about getting in shape because she didn’t give birth to her children, she paid someone to do that for her, just like she pays people to make her pretty, and thin, and famous.

Shut up, Elizabeth Banks, nothing about you is superior except maybe your stupidity and lack of tact.



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Anne Hathaway is in Love

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Anne Hathaway is on the cover of Glamour gushing about her new husband. Yeah, it’s all fun and games three months in. … I’m kidding, I hope they last forever. Hathaway says, “He’s a good man. He’s beyond intelligent. He loves fearlessly. His beliefs are beautiful. He’s my best friend. I love him. I just feel that I have the greatest husband in the world for me.” That’s too much love for me so I tuned out most of it but really enjoyed that she said, “in the world for me”. Most of the time you get these celebrities spouting off about how they have the best significant other in the world and I find that pompous. They’re the best to you, for you, according to you, but let me tell you I highly doubt Andrew Garfield and I would get along, though he seems to do the deed for Emma Stone. The only woman who can say, “I have the best significant other in the world” is Eva Mendes cause she’s got Ryan Gosling, who is perfect.

Hathway goes on to say, “I would never have gotten married if it weren’t for him. You have to want to be married to someone. You have to feel that reciprocated. Marriage for marriage’s sake doesn’t make any sense to me, and I found someone with whom I could put my money where my mouth is, I guess.” Considering her last boyfriend is served 4.5 years in prison for cheating investors and falsely claiming he had connections to the Vatican (why would you brag about that?) I get it, Anne. I’m a little confused as to the “You have to want to be married to someone. You have to feel that reciprocated”. I mean, why else would you marry someone? I guess that’s her point, but I feel it’s a bit of Capitan Obvious. We get it you wanted to marry this dude and not the felon.

Later, she says, “It’s wonderful. I feel like I’ve found my other half, and I’m so excited about getting to love him for the rest of our lives.” Too much; too much love. There’s an old saying “If it’s a big show it ain’t a real go” meaning if you have to prove it and talk about it it’s probably not as good as you’re making it out to be. Only time will tell I guess. This is a celebrity marriage, but she seems to have a good head on her shoulders. I say three years….any takers?



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In Defense of Kristen Stewart (Or Why I Think Both Jodie Foster and Rupert Sanders Suck For Their Own Reasons)

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A couple of weeks ago, Jodie Foster wrote a long letter that The Daily Beast posted, and it was in defense of Kristen Stewart. A lot of reviews of the essay say it was more about Jodie than about Kristen and personally, I think that they would be right. No one mentioned how completely pretentious and awful her writing was so I’m going to. This is all on a sidebar note, but Jodie Foster’s “defense letter” was so completely over the top and showy that I almost didn’t even care about what she was trying to say.

Exhibit A: “The truth is, like some curious radioactive mutant, I have invented my own gothic survival tools. I have fashioned rules to control the glaring eyes. Maybe I’ve organized my career choices to allow myself (and the ones I truly love) maximum personal dignity. And, yes, I have neurotically adapted to the gladiator sport of celebrity culture, the cruelty of a life lived as a moving target. In my era, through discipline and force of will, you could still manage to reach for a star-powered career and have the authenticity of a private life. Sure, you’d have to lose your spontaneity in the elaborate architecture. You’d have to learn to submerge beneath the foul air and breathe through a straw.”

Easy there, big cat, you are not a “curious radioactive mutant”—you did not invent your own “gothic survival tools” (why do they have to be gothic?). Also, that paragraph has five sentences that scream “I am a pretentious douche that uses a thesaurus a lot” (note: there are only six sentences in the paragraph).

I also think that letter proves Jodie Foster lost …

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