Monsanto, GMOs, And People Who Would Have Loved The Dark Ages

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Have you guys ever been in one of those situations in which you want one of your awkward or significantly less popular friends to be invited to a party, so you and some of your friends use your own social clout to get him her or her in the door unchallenged? Like, the host is happy that you’re there and honestly wouldn’t have cared if you brought a particularly ornery bear? (Or perhaps you’ve been the unpopular friend or perhaps you’ve been the host?)

So, about a month ago, that’s what happened with Monsanto. President Obama signed a keep-the-government-funded-so-that-the-world-as-we-know-it-can-continue-to-exist bill, and one of the minor provisions in it (thanks to aggressive lobbying from the company, Monsanto) “effectively bars federal courts from being able to halt the sale or planting of controversial genetically modified (aka GMO) or genetically engineered (GE) seeds, no matter what health issues may arise concerning GMOs in the future.”

First of all, people fussing at Obama about this? Chill out. And I don’t just mean: “Our last President ordered that prisoners of war be tortured for information, this guy signed a law about seed-planting.” But also that. But, really, this was the governmental-finacial equivalent of do-or-die. No responsible President would have refused to sign.

But second of all, as alarmed as I am by lobbying of Congress and by democracy in general, not to mention anything that bars federal courts from doing something that they should be allowed to do . . . guys, this is about seeds. Like, plant seeds.

They aren’t genetically engineering dragons or viral weapons or even doing some harmless human cloning.

Genetically modified foods (GMOs) are problematic when they limit natural diversity among certain crops (so if one has a vulnerability, they all do). They are also problematic for the same reason that any monopoly can be problematic (“Oh, you’re using our seeds? Well you’ll specifically need our fertilizer and other products”). That’s dickish, but still much less sinister than your average cable-provider (I’m not kidding or just exaggerating because of some service issues; cable companies are downright malevolent).

But GMOs feed millions around the globe who would otherwise starve. They allow our food to be more affordable and the annual crops harvested by our farmers* to be more predictable and consistent. And I don’t know about yours, but my genetically modified food is absolutely delicious. The way that some people freak out about technological advances that improve our lives and those of millions around the globe (whether they complain about GMOs or vaccines or, I kid you not, Google Earth), you would think that they wanted to live during the Dark Ages.

Because nothing says “all of our food is one-hundred-percent organic” like a devastating famine.

 

*Is anyone else totally weirded out that we still have farmers in 2013? I mean, I’m sure that in a hundred years we’ll still have some people growing their own herbs or flowers or whatever, and that’s fine. But there are still people who are actually farmers and they’re flesh-and-blood humans instead of robots and that is one of those things, along with heinous crimes, senseless violence, and rampant pollution, that I feel would be awkward to explain to extraterrestrial visitors. All of that horrifying, grueling labor should be performed by robots inside domed, temperature-controlled structures. And meat should be synthetically grown and harvested just like corn is.



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Greek Week Fail

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I’ve never understood sororities. Why would I pay for friends? Screw that. I’m too frugal. Not to mention I don’t like being forced to attend events and sell my house to people. When this letter from Rebecca Martinson (chick on the right in the above photo doing the Paris Hilton pose, ugh) came out I was once again validated that sororities suck. If you don’t know which letter I’m talking about because you live under a rock—finish this article and read it in its entirety at the end.

Now, in all fairness that letter is hysterical. C*nt punt…I’m totally using that on a daily basis. Oh, check out Michael Shannon reading this letter to understand just how wonderful it really can be. But, in all seriousness Rebecca is just illustrating why sororities suck…the main reason being—it gives you horrible priorities and focuses on making people like you because of how you pretend to be, not who you are.

I’m not saying all sororities are like that…but to succeed you kind of have to be Rebecca and sororities certainly draw the “Rebecca’s” of the world, don’t they? This isn’t the first time Rebecca has shown the world she was piece of shit. Here are some choice tweets from her Twitter:

The positive note on all of this is this letter has shamed this kind of behavior. Rightfully so. This is disgusting. I don’t care who you are you don’t talk to people like that. You are not a CEO you are not the President, your power comes from making girls get drunk and make horrible decisions with Sigma Nu. Get over yourself Rebecca.

 

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you’re sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough f*cking ride.

For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been F*CKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu. I’ve been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so f*cking AWKWARD and so f*cking BORING. If you’re reading this right now and saying to yourself “But oh em gee Julia, I’ve been having so much fun with my sisters this week!”, then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don’t have to f*cking find you on campus to do it myself.

I do not give a flying f*ck, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying f*ck, about how much you f*cking love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the f*cking year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I f*cking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the greek community, and that’s not f*cking possible if you’re going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you stupid c*cks: FRATS DON’T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE F*CKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE F*CKING SUCK, which by the way in case you’re an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE F*CKING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little sh*ts that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people f*cking retarded? That’s not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you’re mentally slow so I can make sure you don’t go to anymore night time events. If Sigma Nu openly said “Yeah we’re gonna invite Zeta over”, would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn’t, so WHY THE F*CK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN’T be post gaming at other frats, I don’t give a F*CK if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON’T GO. YOU. DON’T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do f*cking NOT convince other girls to leave with you.

“But Julia!”, you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, “I’ve been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn’t that count for something?” NO YOU STUPID F*CKING ASS HATS, IT F*CKING DOESN’T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW F*CKING WHY?!! IT DOESN’T COUNT BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN F*CKING UP AT SOBER F*CKING EVENTS TOO. I’ve not only gotten texts about people being f*cking WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid sh*ts and saying stuff like “durr what’s kickball?” is not f*cking funny), but I’ve gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. F*cking. Team. ARE YOU F*CKING STUPID?!! I don’t give a SH*T about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU F*CKING BLIND? Or are you just so f*cking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the greek community is going to make our matchup happy? Well it’s time someone told you, NO ONE F*CKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR F*CKING MATCHUP. I will f*cking c*nt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don’t give a f*ck if you SOR me, I WILL F*CKING ASSAULT YOU.

“Ohhh Julia, I’m now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad”. Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little a$swipe that stands in the corners at night or if you’re a weird sh*t that does weird sh*t during the day, this following message is for you:

DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT’S EVENT.

I’m not f*cking kidding. Don’t go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I’ve mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you’re unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER. I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not f*cking awkward than 80 that are f*cking f*ggots. If you are one of the people that have told me “Oh nooo boo hoo I can’t talk to boys I’m too sober,” then I pity you because I don’t know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don’t f*cking show up unless you’re going to stop being a goddamn c*ck block for our chapter. Seriously. I swear to f*cking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight’s event, I will tell you to leave even if you’re sober. I’m not even kidding. Try me.

And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don’t give a f*ck. Go f*ck yourself.

 



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Humanity, I Love You

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After the horror of the Boston bombing I didn’t think I could ever believe that humanity was worth it. Really, I just don’t understand how blowing up innocents makes sense to anyone, but then all the stories of people opening their homes to those stranded came out. London had their marathon and they ran with American Flags and with signs that said, “Finish for Boston.” Syria, which has been ravaged by booms and genocides, took a moment to send condolences to Boston.
I saw window washers dress up as Spiderman, Captain America, Batman and the like to clean the windows of a children’s hospital. I was taken aback by how in the face of such tragedy I saw the best of humanity. Instead of breaking me—I was lifted up by the generosity and kindness of the human spirit.
Naturally, it didn’t last long. Bombs went off in Pakistan, earthquakes ruined cities, and a five-year old girl was raped in Indian. She’s not the first child raped, she’s not even the youngest child raped. But this five-year-old gets an article written about her because finally, finally something is going to be done about it.
Last week she was abducted and raped by a neighbor who kept her for three days and then left her for dead. India, like America, has a rape culture. They blame the women, they blame the victim…but how can you blame a five-year-old? What suggestive clothing was she wearing? How did she drink too much? How was her sexual history to blame for this?

The Guardian took aim at the Indian police force, “[O]fficers allegedly initially refused to investigate after the girl, from a working class family, disappeared while playing early in the evening outside her home. She was eventually found by neighbours. When the case was picked up by the local media, the parents were offered 2,000 rupees (£25) to drop the case, relatives of the victim have said.”
By the weekend hundreds of protesters were outside the police headquarters demand that the police chief, that wanted this dropped, be fired. India’s Home Minister has vowed that the officers on duty will be punished.
Once again, in darkness there is light. People will surprise you if you just let them. I don’t know why it takes horrible circumstances for people to take a stand—but maybe one day we’ll all realize that you don’t have to wait for something bad to do some good.



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Watch This: Twisted

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Did anyone else catch the “sneak peek” pilot of Twisted when it aired a few weeks ago? I did. I am excited for this series.

Personally, I do not usually think of ABC Family as a channel that I am likely inclined to watch. When they air marathons of the Harry Potter films, I watch—because owning the films and having watched them to death does not mean that I can’t watch them again. In fact, I must watch them again. “After all this time?” “Always.”

But, anyway, to me, ABC Family was the network that becomes a No Man’s Land of Endless Christmas Specials And Mandatory Cheer for a few months out of the year. But that’s not really accurate anymore. (I mean, yeah, it’s hell on Earth during the winter, but just avoid it, then).

A couple of years ago, The Nine Lives Of Chloe King aired (a teen supernatural drama). I watched and enjoyed the pilot but did not keep up with the series (but I keep meaning to watch it). Anyway, it was a good pilot, and I was definitely surprised that some of the show’s female protagonist’s actions were “edgier” than I expected from ABCF. Honestly, to me, it was still the channel that had aired Seventh Heaven, so just about everything surprised me.

My point is, however, that the Twisted pilot was absolutely delightful. And they will, of course, re-air it when the show actually premieres. Without spoiling the details of the pilot (or sharing my speculations about the series), let me tell you why I think that you should watch this. (And if you don’t mind spoiled details of the pilot or if you are looking for a write-up of the pilot after you have seen it, read this review)

The plot is that a preteen boy killed his aunt (or, at least, that’s what everyone, including the viewers, are lead to believe, but we didn’t see it) and never told anyone why. The first two people to find out were his two childhood best friends (whose older selves are played by the lovely and talented Maddie Hasson and Kylie Bunbury). This turns their lives upside down. The boy goes to juvie and his two friends never really recover (they both cope in their own ways, but their lives are obviously never the same).

It stars Avan The-Most-Beautiful-Man-In-The-World Jogia (okay, Avan Tudor Jogia is his “official” name, whatever). You may have seen him on Caprica, or in the Nickelodean TV movie Spectacular! He’s probably best known for playing Beck Oliver on Victorious, a show which everyone totally watched for the plot. Or you may have just seen his pictures on blogs of beautiful men.

Jo Masterson (left) and Danny Desai (right).

I suppose that it depends upon how you use the internet.

The show features Grey Damon, who appeared on both The Nine Lives Of Chloe King and as the temporary romantic interest of Faye on The Secret Circle (which was canceled after only one season and I love the The CW but they shall rue the day). It features Denise Richards as Avan Jogia’s character’s mother, who is, socially, a big fish in a small town but whose life is no longer what it once was.

Also, Kathy Najimy is a part of the recurring cast—she is the high school psychology teacher. Not only do I have a major soft spot for psychology teachers (Dr. Anna Peck taught AP Psych at my high school and she and the course were magnificent), but I absolutely adore Kathy Najimy. And not only because of Hocus Pocus. But yes, mostly because of Hocus Pocus. And while she gives a not-terribly-accurate definition* of a sociopath in the pilot, she seems like a character to watch (but they all do).

My favorite character from the pilot was definitely Regina Crane (Karynn Moore), who is beautiful, funny, and has the best lines. It is so easy to identify with her.

But this is not one of those shows where only one or two characters carry the entire episode or series. Danny and Jo (Jo being one of the young ladies who were childhood best friends with Danny) have some adorable dialogue, too. This being just one example.

This brings me to what some of you may be wondering—why am I telling you this? On Zelda Lily, specifically? Because I was pleasantly surprised by the diverse female characters. Specifically, Regina. She’s a bit of a slut—and if you’ve read anything that I’ve written, you should know that that is a compliment. She has a sex drive and she is not ashamed of it. When she gets her sights set on a guy, she’s ready to aim. She is not portrayed as “bad” for this. Quite correctly, the show portrays this as a part of her character and her personality.

Then there’s Jo (Maddie Hasson), arguably the most main of the three main characters. She is not what I would call “sexually adventurous.” Or socially outgoing (which needn’t mean much—some of the most delightful slatterns whom I know, myself included, are total introverts). She does a body shot off of a guy (a hot, douchey one) at someone’s suggestion and, when the guy starts to be pushy with her, instead of slut-shaming Jo for doing what, honestly, is normal and fairly tame for a party, another character comes to her defense. Jo does not have to “apologize for her behavior” or for “leading the guy on.” It’s very clear that that guy is an asshole and that Jo did nothing wrong.

Party Tip: while a couple of several years whom I know arguably started their relationship with body-shots at a party, doing a body-shot off of someone does not mean that you are down for doing other things with that person. Letting someone do a body-shot off of you is also not an invitation to either of you for further contact. Don’t be rapey. Not even a little bit.

These are important ideas for teen viewers (this is a teen murder drama, after all) to see on television, because messages in real life tend to be terrible. The series will premiere on June 11th of this year (following the finale of Pretty Little Liars, which I have not watched but which I have heard that I should). I’m not saying that everyone on this show is a role model (in fact, it’s more likely that no one on the show is a perfect role model), but it’s little things that writers put in when they didn’t have to.

So, watch Twisted. Watch it for the murder mystery. Watch it for the teen drama. Watch it for the beautiful guys and lovely ladies. Watch it for Kathy Najimy who is just a treasure.

 

*The definitions of psychopaths and sociopaths vary, but most reasonable sources define psychopaths as devoid of empathy but typically perfectly normal people who may account for as much of one-percent of the human population. A psychopath can’t feel genuine empathy (I’m no psychopath, but I cannot feel empathy for adult men as a result of PTSD, so I can partially relate), but that does not mean that he or she will feel an impulse to harm anyone. A sociopath is better defined as someone who has a history of disregarding the rights of others. I don’t mean people who are opposed to marriage equality. I mean people who see other living beings purely as resources or means to an end (so, about a third of all soap opera characters). These are the people who marry and then kill their husbands for the insurance money multiple times throughout their lives—simply because they want the money, rather than out of a dispute with the husband or a pressing financial need. A sociopath is someone who might kill a neighbor’s dog or cat over a perceived slight. That said, they didn’t really do anything wrong in delivering the definition of “sociopath” in the pilot. I’m just really nit-picky.



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