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Picture Perfect Romance

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I’ve discussed my new distaste for Johnny Depp but I would be lying if I said I didn’t find his and Wynonna Ryder’s relationship romantic. It just was. It was back in the 90’s and they were the hipster couple before hipster couples were cool.

The reason I’m even talking about this is The National Enquierer released a laughable story about how Ryder is trying win back Depp. They say that Depp’s new squeeze, Amber Heard, wants him to go public with their relationship but that Depp doesn’t want to (because what 40-something-year-old-man doesn’t want the world knowing he’s with a 20-something-year-old model?). So, Heard is heading back to the arms of her ex-lesbian lover and Ryder is going to steal Depp.

Nonsense. Utter nonsense. But still…it got me thinking about Johnny Depp’s loves. He’s always rushed into being engaged and his only real long term relationship was with Vanessa Paradis but I think his relationships are some of the most romantic I’ve seen—mainly because I’ve seen them. Depp has a thing about being photographed with his ladies and the pictures always look like something out of Wuthering Heights. This new enquirer story gave me an excuse to walk down Johnny Depp relationship photo lane. Here are some of my favorites:

Johnny and Wynonna–stop it. Look at that. Just look at it. On the left we have romantic passion on the right adorable cuteness. You can’t have both! You can’t have all things! Your relationship ends.

I mean, the man knows how to lay with a woman and who holds a head like that? When you’re just having a conversation who cups the back of someone’s head? Who? No one. Stop faking life Johnny Depp.

 

This is by far my favorite Depp relationship picture. If you Google Depp and Paradis you get a million candid shots of them hugging and kissing. But this shot–to me–embodies all that is romantic. Then I remember that he cheated on this woman, who is the mother of his two children, for a 20-something-year-old-model.

Nothing is picture perfect.



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Fox News Can’t Take A Joke

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Does anyone view Fox News as an actual news program? I mean—they’re not really relevant they’re more of a propaganda show, right? Well, I guess they didn’t get that memo because the “hosts” of the show “The Five” decided to attack Jon Stewart. Again, Jon Stewart who hosts a satirical news program was attacked by guys that call themselves newsmen.

Jon Stewart’s show is aimed at making fun of news because—it’s an easy target. The times we live in are ridiculous so “The Daily Show” points that out. Sometimes, actual news comes out of the show but it’s mainly a show that says, “Hey, world stop being an douchebag”. It’s not the place you turn for breaking news. It’s an opinion show. It’s the opinion of Jon Stewart and his writers.

Fox News is a racist, disgusting, barbaric program and Jon Stewart routinely calls them out for it. This behavior is what has him in their crosshairs this week. One of the hosts from “The Five”, Eric Bolling, said that Congressman Ellison is “very dangerous” and has been “the Muslim apologist in Congress for a long time.” He also noted that Ellison “raised his right hand and took the oath of office on the Quran” that’s probably because Congressman Ellison is a Muslim and swearing on a Bible mean d*ck to him. He used his religion’s holy book to swear an oath…WHAT A DANGEROUS MAN! He also took on Bob Beckel who called for America to restrict Muslim students from entering the country.

So, Jon Stewart made fun of two men who said that America should racially profile people and prevent people of a certain religion from entering a country that was built on religious freedom.

In response to Stewart calling them racists, Bolling turned to an article from the Union Leader newspaper, in which he said a professor agreed with his theory. The professor Bolling mentioned cited no sources or studies in the article. Instead, she made a similarly sweeping assertion:

“When we talk about radicalized Islamic ideologies, it’s a very small population within Islam,” she said. “Only about 10 percent of Muslims are fundamentalists, and only 1 percent of that 10 percent have a radical understanding of Islam.”

“Hey Jonny boy, pull up a chair right here between Bob and me and let’s debate this thing,” Bolling said. “You got the cojones?” Does Jon Stewart have the balls to debate an article by a professor that has no sources and therefore is stating her personal opinion? Yeah, I don’t think that needs a response from Stewart.

Beckel stepped up next and said “I was a liberal activist and a progressive before you were out of your Pampers,” Beckel said. “You may get on a TV show and talk liberal politics. I’ve been on the lines registering voters, being on union lines, and others. Maybe you want to bring your credentials up here.”

Says the man on the most conservative television program. He is not a liberal. He can pretend to be all he wants. He is a paid host on a conservative network and he is there to give the illusion of a balanced panel. Methinks thou doth protest too much.



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Greek Week Fail

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I’ve never understood sororities. Why would I pay for friends? Screw that. I’m too frugal. Not to mention I don’t like being forced to attend events and sell my house to people. When this letter from Rebecca Martinson (chick on the right in the above photo doing the Paris Hilton pose, ugh) came out I was once again validated that sororities suck. If you don’t know which letter I’m talking about because you live under a rock—finish this article and read it in its entirety at the end.

Now, in all fairness that letter is hysterical. C*nt punt…I’m totally using that on a daily basis. Oh, check out Michael Shannon reading this letter to understand just how wonderful it really can be. But, in all seriousness Rebecca is just illustrating why sororities suck…the main reason being—it gives you horrible priorities and focuses on making people like you because of how you pretend to be, not who you are.

I’m not saying all sororities are like that…but to succeed you kind of have to be Rebecca and sororities certainly draw the “Rebecca’s” of the world, don’t they? This isn’t the first time Rebecca has shown the world she was piece of shit. Here are some choice tweets from her Twitter:

The positive note on all of this is this letter has shamed this kind of behavior. Rightfully so. This is disgusting. I don’t care who you are you don’t talk to people like that. You are not a CEO you are not the President, your power comes from making girls get drunk and make horrible decisions with Sigma Nu. Get over yourself Rebecca.

 

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you’re sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough f*cking ride.

For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been F*CKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu. I’ve been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so f*cking AWKWARD and so f*cking BORING. If you’re reading this right now and saying to yourself “But oh em gee Julia, I’ve been having so much fun with my sisters this week!”, then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don’t have to f*cking find you on campus to do it myself.

I do not give a flying f*ck, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying f*ck, about how much you f*cking love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the f*cking year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I f*cking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the greek community, and that’s not f*cking possible if you’re going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you stupid c*cks: FRATS DON’T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE F*CKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE F*CKING SUCK, which by the way in case you’re an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE F*CKING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little sh*ts that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people f*cking retarded? That’s not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you’re mentally slow so I can make sure you don’t go to anymore night time events. If Sigma Nu openly said “Yeah we’re gonna invite Zeta over”, would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn’t, so WHY THE F*CK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN’T be post gaming at other frats, I don’t give a F*CK if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON’T GO. YOU. DON’T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do f*cking NOT convince other girls to leave with you.

“But Julia!”, you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, “I’ve been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn’t that count for something?” NO YOU STUPID F*CKING ASS HATS, IT F*CKING DOESN’T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW F*CKING WHY?!! IT DOESN’T COUNT BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN F*CKING UP AT SOBER F*CKING EVENTS TOO. I’ve not only gotten texts about people being f*cking WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid sh*ts and saying stuff like “durr what’s kickball?” is not f*cking funny), but I’ve gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. F*cking. Team. ARE YOU F*CKING STUPID?!! I don’t give a SH*T about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU F*CKING BLIND? Or are you just so f*cking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the greek community is going to make our matchup happy? Well it’s time someone told you, NO ONE F*CKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR F*CKING MATCHUP. I will f*cking c*nt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don’t give a f*ck if you SOR me, I WILL F*CKING ASSAULT YOU.

“Ohhh Julia, I’m now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad”. Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little a$swipe that stands in the corners at night or if you’re a weird sh*t that does weird sh*t during the day, this following message is for you:

DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT’S EVENT.

I’m not f*cking kidding. Don’t go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I’ve mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you’re unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER. I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not f*cking awkward than 80 that are f*cking f*ggots. If you are one of the people that have told me “Oh nooo boo hoo I can’t talk to boys I’m too sober,” then I pity you because I don’t know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don’t f*cking show up unless you’re going to stop being a goddamn c*ck block for our chapter. Seriously. I swear to f*cking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight’s event, I will tell you to leave even if you’re sober. I’m not even kidding. Try me.

And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don’t give a f*ck. Go f*ck yourself.

 



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Humanity, I Love You

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After the horror of the Boston bombing I didn’t think I could ever believe that humanity was worth it. Really, I just don’t understand how blowing up innocents makes sense to anyone, but then all the stories of people opening their homes to those stranded came out. London had their marathon and they ran with American Flags and with signs that said, “Finish for Boston.” Syria, which has been ravaged by booms and genocides, took a moment to send condolences to Boston.
I saw window washers dress up as Spiderman, Captain America, Batman and the like to clean the windows of a children’s hospital. I was taken aback by how in the face of such tragedy I saw the best of humanity. Instead of breaking me—I was lifted up by the generosity and kindness of the human spirit.
Naturally, it didn’t last long. Bombs went off in Pakistan, earthquakes ruined cities, and a five-year old girl was raped in Indian. She’s not the first child raped, she’s not even the youngest child raped. But this five-year-old gets an article written about her because finally, finally something is going to be done about it.
Last week she was abducted and raped by a neighbor who kept her for three days and then left her for dead. India, like America, has a rape culture. They blame the women, they blame the victim…but how can you blame a five-year-old? What suggestive clothing was she wearing? How did she drink too much? How was her sexual history to blame for this?

The Guardian took aim at the Indian police force, “[O]fficers allegedly initially refused to investigate after the girl, from a working class family, disappeared while playing early in the evening outside her home. She was eventually found by neighbours. When the case was picked up by the local media, the parents were offered 2,000 rupees (£25) to drop the case, relatives of the victim have said.”
By the weekend hundreds of protesters were outside the police headquarters demand that the police chief, that wanted this dropped, be fired. India’s Home Minister has vowed that the officers on duty will be punished.
Once again, in darkness there is light. People will surprise you if you just let them. I don’t know why it takes horrible circumstances for people to take a stand—but maybe one day we’ll all realize that you don’t have to wait for something bad to do some good.



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