You know, I genuinely don’t post these things because they irritate some kind of deep-seated man-rage in me, because frankly, I just don’t have it. I don’t get too terribly offended by these types of “lists,” because everything that goes on over at that site (and related sites) is so asinine that it’s actually pretty hard to take seriously, am I right?
I post these because they’re genuinely entertaining, and honestly, what’s life without a few good chucks?
Without further ado, AskMen.com’s “12 Golden Rules For Picking Up Women.” You’ll just love it, I promise.
1. Always Be Mentally Ready to Pick Up.
The author claims that he gets more than “half” of his pickups at random places like the supermarket, bank and hardware store. I know that “half” of none is, well … none, but let’s humor the dude, shall we? Personally, thought, I’m not going to be cool with some guy hitting on me at the bank. Hello, protection of personal information. If I see some guy leering at me while I’m completing financial transactions, I’m going to either think he’s a) a low-life degenerate looking to score some fast cash, or b) kind of mental. I’m glad that you’re “always ready” to pick up, but come on guys. Not all women, at all times, are willing to be “picked up.” Especially when they’re doing their day-to-day duties of grocery shopping, banking and clothes shopping.
2. Don’t Use Pick-Up Lines.
Wow. Did they actually get something right, here? Did someone finally come to the conclusion that “That dress looks good, but not as good as it would if it were crumpled on my bedroom floor in the morning” isn’t exactly the way to a (normal) woman’s heart? Criminy. Good thinking, guys. Color me impressed.
3. Don’t Fear Rejection.
Because evidently, a man with an arsenal of non-pick-up pick-up lines already anticipates getting into your pants. Come on. They read AskMen.com and take it as creed for a reason, don’t you know. There is no such thing as rejection to a man who’s “in the know,” and especially one who abides by every. single. bullshit “rule.”
4. Read Her Body Language.
Yes, lets. And while we’re at it, maybe we can pay attention to something other than the area ranging from her pelvis to her collarbone. Their tip? If she’s “smiling,” it’s “good.” That’s a winning piece of advice if I’ve ever heard it. You know, guys, people on high doses of Lithium or Thorazine smile a lot, too, but that doesn’t mean they’re willing to bump uglies with you too, you know.
5. Give Them the 15 Minute Test.
Because women, and their intentions, are clearly like frying fish. 15 minutes and you know whether or not the entree is going to suck. Great. The 15 Minute Test consists of finding pertinent clues as to whether or not a woman is up for casual sex. I know when I was in my early-twenties bar-hagging hey-days that 15 minutes was totally enough for me to decide whether or not to sleep with a random guy. Not.
6. Know When to Cut Your Losses.
Ah, the voice of reason. Almost. This particular tip closely follows tip #5 of giving your prospect the 15 Minute Test. If she’s not willing to bend (uh, literally) to your desires, give up on her. Clearly, if a woman isn’t willing to sleep with you after 15+ minutes of unabashed “charm,” she’s not worth it.
(Oh, and they state that attractive women are normally spoken for, so if they’re not attractive by mass standards, it’s obviously not worth it anyway.)
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