The Truth Behind the Hefner/Harris Wedding

photo of hugh hefner and crystal harris pictures
I grew up thinking Playboy was no big deal. My mother grew up in L.A. and was invited several times to spend movie nights at the mansion since her friend’s mother was a playmate. When “The Girls Next Door” came on E!, I loved every minute of it. Holly was by far my favorite. For some reason that show made Hugh Hefner’s lifestyle seem normal, almost tame. Yeah, there were three girls living with him that he called his “girlfriends,” but come on. Obviously Hugh Hefner is not really dating seven girls, or even three. I’m about to drop some knowledge on you people.

Hugh Hefner pays girls to live with him and be his “girlfriends.” Shocking, I know. If you watched Holly Madison’s E! True Hollywood Story you already had a glimpse of this. In that special, they discuss how Holly was lead girl and how Hef would want to have sex with Bridgette or Kendra but both girls felt strange about it and tried to avoid it. During Kendra’s E! True Hollywood Story it was revealed that she was dating Hank Baskett while living at the mansion as a “girlfriend.” It’s fake, people. It’s all fake. They get a salary, they have to abide by certain rules, and it is a business deal.

In 2011, Hugh Hefner, then 85, announced that he was engaged to Crystal Harris, then 25. When this happened I was appalled, not at the fact that an 85-year-old was going to marry a 25-year-old, but that he didn’t propose to Holly. I mean, she was there for love—we can all agree on that. That girl put in five years; they even tried fertility treatments together. Yeah, they did. Holly really wanted babies and so they tried IVF but unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) it didn’t take. That’s when Holly realized that she wasn’t going to get marriage or babies from Hef and moved on. But he didn’t even propose during the IVF treatment, and honestly, that’s kind of shitty, Hef. You don’t propose to the girl that is doing fertility treatments so that your old ass sperm can live in that bangin’ body, the one that’s been there for five years, but you propose to Crystal Harris after a year? Come on! Anyway, the wedding plans began and then Crystal called off the marriage the day before the nuptials. She was dubbed the “runaway bride.” That never would’ve happened with Holly, I’m just saying.

Now it’s 2012 and the wedding is back on. Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris are getting married; they even picked up their marriage license. I am so grossed out by this, and again not for the age reason. Back in November I was at a gathering and was talking to someone, we were talking about …

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Like Everything Else in the World, Playboy Goes 3-D

photo of silver playboy bunny emblem

Since the early beginnings of Playboy, founder Hugh Hefner wanted to make it 3-D. Alas, Playboy has finally done it, but don’t be deceived: Hef doesn’t really dig the 3-D phase, now that he’s got it:

“I’m not a huge enthusiast of 3-D [these days] …  I leave real life to go to the movies and 2-D is fine with me.”

He leaves “real life,” (read: live boobies) to go to the movies in order to see 2D.  Heh.  Anyway, and indeed, the recent 3-D issue featuring Hope Dworaczyk is an ambitious departure from the traditional print world. Jimmy Jellineck, Chicago’s editorial director of Playboy, remarks, “In today’s print environment you have to create newsstand events.” And clearly, that they have, but at what cost, and at what necessity — for the internet can provide what you need — for free —  without the judging eyes of onlookers at a newstand. Whether it’s double-fisting, …

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Olivia Munn Was Tragically Unfamiliar With the Content of Playboy

picture of olivia munn at a red carpet event wearing a nude dress

In her new book, Suck It, Wonder Woman: The Misadventures of a Hollywood Geek, poor, unfortunate Olivia Munn was tricked by evil, gross-looking photographers to – gasp! – take off her clothes for a Playboy cover article.

I’m pretty shocked, too. I never thought I’d see the day when Playboy would want their models to go fully nude. Oh. Wait. I guess Olivia hadn’t heard about how empowering posing nude for Playboy is for well-informed women and their weight loss goals.

The Washington City Paper reports the details of Munn’s harrowing experience:

When Playboy offered Oliva Munn the chance to pose nude on the cover of the magazine, she declined. When Playboy offered Munn the chance to pose clothed on the cover of the magazine, she accepted. But once Munn got to the set, Playboy’s photographer, stylist, and team of handlers staged a day-long attempt to coerce Munn into taking it all off anyway.

If only she had had a contract ensuring that they couldn’t pressure her! But wait!  It turns out that she did have a contract, and yet Playboy still tried to pressure her! The scoundrels!

After signing a comprehensive contract specifying which specific areas of Munn were on-limits and off for the photographer—side boob and underboob, yes; nipple, butt crack …

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Guess Who’s Taking the Case of Debrahlee Lorenzana, the Woman “Too Hot” to Work?

The famed attorney-to-disgruntled non-celebrities, Gloria Allred. This should play out quite interestingly.

From the get-go, I thought that there was something way fishy about this story — the original interview with the Village Voice, the way the media began portraying her, and above all, the underlying allegations of self-serving, screw-the-system, plastic surgery-getting underhandedness.

Now, with Ms. Allred taking Lorenzana’s case, it’s clear that the former banker has something to hide. Or has nothing — absolutely nothing — to hide. In either case, it’s clear what Lorenzana’s aims are: achieve fame and notoriety, and hey … maybe break into show business or worse, the Playboy empire. She’s made it obvious time and time again that her outward appearance is certainly good enough, am I right?

Lorenzana, in perfect wannabe-celebrity fashion, released a statement as to her rationale behind choosing Allred — an attorney almost half-a-world away:

“I retained Gloria Allred because I wanted the best person to represent me. Ms. Allred has been practicing law for 35 years. She and her law firm have won many victories for women in employment discrimination cases. I am thankful that she has accepted my case and has agreed to represent me.”

This, unfortunately, isn’t Lorenzana’s first attempt at ill-secured fame: it was recently found that Lorenzana starred on a Discovery Health program regarding plastic surgery and claimed that she wanted to “star” in the production so she could look like “a little Playboy Playmate.” On the show, Debrahlee constantly claimed how much she loved plastic surgery, and how she’d already undergone a fair amount including a tummy tuck, breast augmentation and liposuction. Lorenzana also proclaimed that she, and I quote, wanted to be “tits on a stick.”

But yet, this is an upstanding woman, whose sole gripe is the way that men objectified her in an office setting, yeah?

Oh, Citibank. What have — or haven’t — you done? I guess we’ll find out, if Allred has anything to say about it. She probably costs an arm and a leg to hire, so make it worth it, Debrahlee. You’ll inevitably end up making some kind of convoluted history in one way or another.

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