A recent rise in requests for “dimpleplasty” has been attributed to the charming dimples of Cheryl Cole. Apparently people have been flocking en masse (or at least more than they had previously) to their friendly neighborhood plastic surgeons in order to get their very own pair of those adorable dimples of hers.

Let’s briefly explore how this surgery is accomplished:

The dimples will also not look entirely natural, as they remain permanently rather than appearing only when you grin. The operation, dimpleplasty, involves making a tiny cut in the skin to create a small depression.

A stitch is then used to tack the underside of the skin down to a deeper layer and hold it in place. Once the suture dissolves, permanent scar tissue will remain to maintain the dimple.

Well that’s cheery. What’s more is that little is known by doctors about the long term effects of such surgeries. Since it’s a relatively new procedure, there is a good chance that these darling dimpled cheeks will eventually droop with age and become more awkward looking. (Call me terrible, but my first thought was if there is any kind of karma in the world, please let this be true.) Also, let’s all take a moment and think about the perma-dimple that is there whether or not the person is smiling? I’m getting weird visions of Stepford wives here.
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Neither one that I’ve never heard of, nor one that sounds too comfortable, either.

The newest fad, evidently? The “back scoop.” The procedure is supposed to achieve a similar result to the tummy-tuck, just on the backside. I’m assuming that it probably cut down on the 0% fat that Heidi had back there to begin with.

She sat recently with Ryan Seacrest for a no-holds-barred interview regarding the ten-plus cosmetic procedures that she had undergone weeks before and claimed that she might have been one of the first to get the “back scoop” done. Heidi says:

“I actually didn’t know. I might be the first one to try it. It carves out your back a little bit.”

Heidi also claims that jogging is “out of the question” due to the large size of her boobs, which are rumored to be around an E or an F.

For someone who’s supposed to be so happy about her myriad plastic surgeries — she’s a living doll, now — this woman can’t be truly happy inside. She couldn’t be; not if she was willing to transform her once-beautiful body and face into something practically unrecognizable.

I’ve given this girl a lot of flack in the past for buying into the Hollywood One-and-Only Standard of beauty, but the more I hear from this poor, clearly broken woman, the worse I feel for her. She’s clearly suffering from some kind of mental disease and no one around her appears to be willing — or caring — enough to encourage her to get help.

I don’t think she’ll end up going the Lindsay Lohan-route of self-destruction, but sometimes one is just as bad as the other.  I just wish that she — or someone else — would do something about it.

After admitting to People magazine last month that she went under the knife for ten procedures in one day, Heidi Montag took the long walk back to her hometown of Crested Butte, Colorado, to visit with her mother and flash her new … cough, appendages.

Although Heidi’s mother had already stated an opinion to the effect of displeasure at plastic surgery, it didn’t prevent Montag from heading on home to show off her new assets.    According to Heidi, the reunion which was filmed for The Hills, ended up being a bust.  Montag states that her mother looked at her as if she were a “circus freak.”

As a mom, I can side just a little here with Montag’s mother, Darlene Egelhoff.  Imaging looking at your perfect, beautiful offspring and seeing a mere shadow of who they used to be.  I’m not saying that Egelhoff’s alleged response was the right one but how could a mother truly embrace such a drastic change on a child she raised from birth?  I know if my daughter came home with thousands and thousands (and thousands more) worth of plastic surgery, I’d be a bit taken aback, too.

On her current relationship with her mother, Heidi states:

“I tried to leave it [Crested Butte] as best as I could, but my heart was breaking.”

Heidi also claims that her decision to undergo such dramatic plastic surgeries was due to the desire to be “the most beautiful, inside and out.”

As much as I’ve kind of despised this girl in the past, I really kind of feel bad for her.  Her self-esteem is damaged beyond the point where any plastic surgery could possibly repair it.  To have multiple appearance-altering surgeries in order to become the person you want to be … I don’t know.  It seems a little much to me.  I’m no beauty queen by far, but I know that even if I had the money that half of these Hollywood starlets do, I sure wouldn’t be wasting it on facial reconstruction.  Would the thought cross my mind?  Probably.  But I couldn’t imagine seeing a different face in the mirror than the one that I’ve grown accustomed to over the past twenty-six years — as much as I’d want to on some days.

Meghan McCain penned a blog post over on The Beast about society’s take on “big” and boob jobs, correlating the effects of the two conjoined.

She makes a valid point about women who have big breasts: women who naturally have larger boobs (I’ll use her example of Jessica Simpson) are considered “big” but women who surgically enhance their breasts are not. Why the double standard?

McCain goes on to continue that although Heidi Montag would be considered average-to-slender had she not undergone various plastic surgeries to beef her bod up, would she be considered “big” had she been born this way?

I think McCain makes some pretty valid points here regarding society’s perception on natural body image and augmented body image.  Apparently, it’s okay to surgically enhance your figure to the point where you’d be considered “curvy” (for all of you out there who just love that word), but to be born that way is unacceptable — and you need an elliptical, like, yesterday.

I’m thinking McCain has such an adversity to this particular type of propaganda because she, herself, could be considered a curvaceous woman.  Some might even consider her to be “big” or “fat”, so naturally it’s understandable that she feels this way.  Personally, I think McCain and Simpson both have lovely, natural figures and would rather be “big” as they’re considered than to be stick-thin or to be twisted and poked and prodded and molded into something that I’m completely not.

Megan McCain for President, anyone?  I love this woman.  I’ve got a total fascination with anything Meghan McCain and for good reason: she’s smart, she’s independent and she doesn’t appear to give a crap about what anyone has to say about her OR her fab figure.

And, no, I don’t get what that’s supposed to mean, either.

In light of recent events involving Heidi Montag and her admission of plastic surgery addiction, Dr. Drew Pinsky is in the house to claim that it has nothing to do with “addiction.”  Her problem is that she likes to validate herself over and over again by going under the knife.

In a stunning remark, Drew states that Heidi is starting to emulate a man impersonating a woman — a cross-dresser.  He claims that her “over-feminization” and over-accentuation of her already-feminine features is making her look like a … drag queen?

“I also, by the way, call that — the kind of extreme accentuation of her feminine features — it’s really female-female cross dressing … It’s like she’s taking on an excessively feminizing characteristic, fetish-izing her entire body, it’s a little troubling, a little problematic.”

Now, don’t get me wrong, I personally wouldn’t redo my entire physical being and I don’t judge people who feel the need to revise each and every God-given feature they possess — but what I do find problematic about this entire thing is that a “psychologist” such as Dr. Drew has the balls to disseminate this woman in a very real arena over what could be a very real problem.  Kind of like that time that Dr. Phil allegedly helped Britney’s parents intervene in her behavior and offered her to come on the show to discuss her issues.

It’s like, dude … You’re supposed to be a doctor, for crying out loud.  You don’t need to put your two cents in on every single media event — especially when it comes to publicizing a diagnosis on a patient that’s not even yours.

Just … not cool.

According to a Breaking Report on People.com, Heidi (the dumber half of Speidi… Oh, wait…) Montag is being refused sex by her hoagie counterpart, Spencer Pratt.

Why, you ask?  Why would no one want to stick it to Heidi, whose breastacular implants glisten in the sun for every paparazzi to bat their photo shutters at?

Primarily because Pratt doesn’t want to fulfill Heidi’s “lifelong” dream of becoming a young mother.  (I didn’t know twenty-three was such a young age to have a child at.)

As per the always-eloquent Spencer, Heidi has threatened to cut his manliness off.  I wasn’t even aware he had those parts.

“I’m not even kidding, my wife – OK, I’m gonna get crass here – but we’re barely having sex because I’m scared that she’s gonna have a baby,” he says. “That’s the level our marriage is on right now. I’m not even kidding – my wife has me debating cutting off my nuts.”

He is also questioning her truthfulness when it comes to being proactive in taking her birth control.  Pratt is afraid that she’ll stop taking the pill in order to coerce him into having unprotected sex with her, thus upping the chance for a Speidi offspring.  Because, you know, condoms don’t work on superhero penis similar to the one that Pratt supposedly has.

Coming from someone who refers to themselves as a couple as “Speidi”, I can hardly say this is breaking news.  It smells like a publicity stunt to me, and when I first pitched the story to our lovely Editor-In-Chief/Resident Speidi Hater, Sasha, she made the same comment herself.

Let’s keep our fingers crossed that the starts don’t align weirdly and an “immaculate” conception occurs.  However, it wouldn’t surprise me; Nostradamus and Revelation has predicted the end of days to be coming over the next few years, so with Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt on the pop culture horizon, honestly.  It.  Would not.  Surprise me.

Anything is possible when two douches unite in the face of humanity.