McDonald’s Is Not Sue’s Salads

Please watch this video (or, rather, listen to the audio). The following is my response. I’m fine with people eating fruits and even vegetables, either for health reasons or because they genuinely find them delicious. I’m partial to a number of delicious fruits myself.

But I don’t want them from McDonald’s. I certainly don’t want to force them upon other customers.

So, my response to the video:

I only rarely got fast food when I was growing up. A toy or a cartoon character is nice but, even as a preschooler, I wanted to eat their food because it is DELICIOUS.

I’m not angry with the nine-year-old. I’m angry at the mentality of adults who should know better who want to ruin everyone else’s happiness.

I’m so grateful that I had long outgrown Happy Meals before they began putting fruits, vegetables, and other food that my food eats in Happy Meals instead of the delicious food. You can eat fruit and vegetables at home—it is not McDonald’s responsibility to have every food that you might ever want to give to your children. You don’t yell at a hot dog vendor for not serving salads. It’s not McDonald’s job to have every food—just whatever delicious food that we want to eat and that they want to serve us that will make money for them and their stockholders.

My answer probably would have been along the lines of: “Well, it’s the job of our advertising department to attract customers of all ages to eat at McDonald’s. It’s the job of many other parts of this corporation to make sure that everything about your experience when you visit a McDonald’s makes you happy and want to come back again–which means making the food delicious but also providing healthy options. It’s my job to make sure that the different parts of this company work together as well as possible. And it’s the job of the consumers–consumers like your parents–to look at our advertising and everything about us, and decide if McDonald’s is a place where you want to go. We don’t want to trick children–or adults–into visiting, because we want you to be happy with what you find when you get here and want to come back.”
But obviously people would raise hell that that was too complex to say to a child or that that was too blunt of an answer to give in front of cameras because parents are the ones with money to spend and they don’t want to be told that they have responsibilities.



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College is Becoming Cooler

Colleges are finally taking note and taking care of their students. Several studies have been done about the mindset of college students and how stress impacts the body. Think back to when you were in college—when were the most stressful times for you? No, not waiting the three minutes for your pregnancy test to register a “negative” result, or stepping on the scale freshman year—its finals week!

Students hunker down in libraries and pull all-nighters studying for the ever-looming “finals.” The stress is immense. There are always stories of binge drinking, Adderall-popping, and stress eating around these times. Colleges have now started implementing things that will help mentally relax students.

Cornell University installed grass. Doesn’t sound very impressive except they didn’t install it on the quad—they put it in two libraries. Gilad Meron is a recent graduate of Cornell and the “indoor lawn” is his idea. It’s based off the Attention Restoration Theory, “… which says that direct exposure to nature, viewing nature through windows, and even viewing images of nature are restorative.” That’s pretty cool … but it’s nothing compared to Occidental College.

Occidental College designates a room during finals week and fills it with puppies. From 6 pm to 8 pm, stressed out students can take a break and roll around a room filled with little puppies. If that’s not your cup of tea (HOW DARE YOU!) than you can head over and get a massage from 7 pm to 11 pm.

Puppies, grass, massages? Why weren’t these implemented when I was in college? I think it’s a good idea that the puppy time is limited otherwise I think we’d see a higher flunk out rate. I know I’d spend all my time in a puppy-filled room instead of in Psych.



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Boys are Yucky


Boys are gross. That’s a fact. They do gross things, and find gross things awesome. They can go four days without a shower and not notice. It’s gross. To further prove my point Reddit conducted a “what do you do” type poll and these are some of the results, none of which are shocking.

This is what men admit to doing on the toilet and my response to it:

“Pretend stream of piss is a power washer for removing the hard to get stains from the toilet.”- Why are there stains? Clean your toilet with real cleaning supplies or buy those blue things that hide them!

“Like most people, I pee in the shower. Unlike most people, I hold my penis upwards when I do it sometimes. It makes a really cool fountain.”- That is not “like most people”. You stand in urine. Then you spray urine up towards your face. Gross. So freaking gross.

“Tried to spit directly into your stream while pissing.”- WHY?!!?

“Flush mid piss and race the toilet.”- This I understand.

“I am quite confident that all men with a bathroom scale weigh themselves before and after they poop to see how much it weighed.”- So simple…men are so simple.

“When taking a piss make a circle with your fingers around the stream and try to make sure you don’t get on your hand.”- But you do get it on your hands…the pee sprays on your hands, disgusting.

“Take an epic dump so intense that you had to remove your shirt because it got so hot.”- It should not be such hard work…change your diet.

“Saw a turd in half with super-power piss-stream.” I can’t. I can’t even…how do you not gag? You know what…no…just…no.

This is what men admit to doing with their balls and my commentary:

“When your balls get stuck to your thighs in a public place, you open your legs as wide as possible without looking like a freak and let the balls slowly unstick. Best feeling.” “After you took a piss and a lil ballsack meat is stuck between your boxers and you just lift your leg like a dog who’s about to pee.” “Do a little leg kick mid walk in an attempt to unstick your balls from your leg.”- Three different ways unsticking your balls is amazing. You simple lovely creatures.

“Sit there and watch your ball sack move in and out by itself like some weird alien being. I can sit there and stare at it fluctuate for …

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Prescription Medication Problem Perpetuates

Doctor Shopping Cartoon

Not surprisingly, I learned of the so-called zombie apocalypse that apparently started with the face-eating incident in Miami from a bunch of teenagers, who were shocked (and … gulp … fascinated) that bath salts could bring on such an event.  It sort of reminds me of the one that went around when I was younger about the guy high on angel dust who jumped out a window to his death.

Yup, don’t do drugs, they said.  Cocaine, LSD, heroin, marijuana, that’s all bad news.  Comic books where evil drug dealers snuck out of a grove of trees to pressure innocent kids into shooting up.  The egg in the frying pan as a universal image for “this is your brain on drugs”.

But actually, yeah, I do have a question.

Why is it that everyone skirts around the fact that what are arguably the two most dangerous categories of “drugs” can be found right at home?

Let’s face it, the liquor cabinet is a dangerous place.  How many people are killed each year by drunk drivers?  I mean, think about it, how often do you hear about someone arrested for “Driving While Tripping”?  Yet the list of DWI revocations distributed by the DMV at the end of each month is tragically long.

But don’t smoke crack, kids!

Even more silent than any of the heavy hitters or even alcohol, is the abuse of prescription medication.  Men and teens are victims of this one, but this type of quiet drug abuse has long been owned by women primarily, with the concept of “Mother’s Little Helper” coming into common conversation back in the sixties thanks to the Rolling Stones.

Perhaps the biggest problem vis a vis prescription medication in 2012 is the concept of “doctor shopping” … or, well, I guess steps being taken to curtail prescription pill addicts from rotating doctors to get their prescription of choice.

Well, something’s gotta give, and a potentially mitigating circumstance seems to be on the horizon.

From Fox News:

A CDC report last year said 15,000 people died as a result of overdoses of prescription painkillers in 2008 – more than three times the number in 1999.

Kentucky is a hot spot. Nearly 1,000 people in the state died from prescription drug overdoses in 2010, or about three a day, ranking it among the top states for such deaths.

In America as a whole, about 12 million people aged 12 and older reported non-medical use of prescription painkillers in 2010.

Abusers and dealers typically get drugs by finding doctors willing to prescribe them, forging prescriptions, theft from pharmacies or individuals, or buying from “pill mills” — storefront clinics that sell painkillers for cash up front.

The answer seems to be a database of sorts, where medical providers can quickly run a name check on a patient …

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