The Brant Boys Suck

I read an article about the Brant Brothers on Gawker a while back and it still haunts me. Vanity Fair profiled these pretentious, spoiled little sh*ts in September of 2012, and God I wish they hadn’t. I could’ve lived my entire life never knowing these things exist.

The sons of mogul Peter Brant Sr. and supermodel Stephanie Seymour are—I’m convinced—devils. Peter is 18 and Harry is 15 and they say things like this (quoted from the New York Times interview they did earlier in the summer of 2012):

  • “I might be gay,” he now tells Sales. “I’m both, kind of, a little bit….” “I do both, and, you know, I’m cool with everything. I don’t like to be defined. I personally don’t think that you can be. I’m undefinable.”
  • “From now on when people ask me what I ‘do’ I’m just gonna say icon,” 15-year-old Harry wrote recently on the boys’ joint Twitter feed.
  • Speaking about Suri Cruise: “And it’s all coming from her,” Harry remarks. “She’s always got some ‘do. I love her hair.” “Clearly she’s just an awesome person,” Peter agrees. “And she always has some, like, sassy frog slippers.” Harry continues, “And, like, jammies in the restaurant.” Or as Peter remembers, “Didn’t she have some ladybug boots? I was like, I need those.”

Kill me. Kill me now. This is horrible. Why? Why do I give a crap about these douchebags? I don’t, but I know about them and since I don’t like to suffer alone now you know about them. I really can’t figure out why this country is so obsessed with celebrity. They’re just people with more money and a better life than you. Are we so masochistic in this country that we have to rub our own noses in thing we don’t have? I don’t know anymore…now if you’ll excuse me I have to go prowl the Richkidsofinstagram tumblr and cry while I count 34 Dom Perignon bottles floating in an indoor pool. That’s a year’s rent.

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Did Bozo Clown Around on His Wife (And Does it Matter)?

There’s something kind of laughable about a fame whore. I don’t know when it became the norm for people who have been connected in some way, shape, or form to a celebrity to kiss and tell in the form of books that no doubt got them big advances, but I think it’s really pretty pathetic in a comical kind of way.

Children’s television icon Bozo the Clown, aka Larry Harmon, died in 2008 shortly after finishing a memoir of a very interesting life. This piece was posthumously published as The Man Behind the Nose and includes tales of a guy who “was a professional clown, ran for President, bonded with dangerous cannibal tribes in New Guinea, and was saved from being swallowed whole by a murderous python in Thailand by his 83 AAA shoes.”

In addition to these feats, Bozo faced divorce court four times … and Sandra Harmon is evidently going out of her way to make sure that she is the most memorable of the bunch who squeezed Bozo’s nose in the name of holy matrimony.

Harmon, perhaps best known for co-writing Elvis & Me with Priscilla Presley, has also written a couple of books about relationships … and now she’s spilling the beans on her marriage to Bozo—including …

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Guess Who’s Taking the Case of Debrahlee Lorenzana, the Woman “Too Hot” to Work?

The famed attorney-to-disgruntled non-celebrities, Gloria Allred. This should play out quite interestingly.

From the get-go, I thought that there was something way fishy about this story — the original interview with the Village Voice, the way the media began portraying her, and above all, the underlying allegations of self-serving, screw-the-system, plastic surgery-getting underhandedness.

Now, with Ms. Allred taking Lorenzana’s case, it’s clear that the former banker has something to hide. Or has nothing — absolutely nothing — to hide. In either case, it’s clear what Lorenzana’s aims are: achieve fame and notoriety, and hey … maybe break into show business or worse, the Playboy empire. She’s made it obvious time and time again that her outward appearance is certainly good enough, am I right?

Lorenzana, in perfect wannabe-celebrity fashion, released a statement as to her rationale behind choosing Allred — an attorney almost half-a-world away:

“I retained Gloria Allred because I wanted the best person to represent me. Ms. Allred has been practicing law for 35 years. She and her law firm have won many victories for women in employment discrimination cases. I am thankful that she has accepted my case and has agreed to represent me.”

This, unfortunately, isn’t Lorenzana’s first attempt at ill-secured fame: it was recently found that Lorenzana starred on a Discovery Health program regarding plastic surgery and claimed that she wanted to “star” in the production so she could look like “a little Playboy Playmate.” On the show, Debrahlee constantly claimed how much she loved plastic surgery, and how she’d already undergone a fair amount including a tummy tuck, breast augmentation and liposuction. Lorenzana also proclaimed that she, and I quote, wanted to be “tits on a stick.”

But yet, this is an upstanding woman, whose sole gripe is the way that men objectified her in an office setting, yeah?

Oh, Citibank. What have — or haven’t — you done? I guess we’ll find out, if Allred has anything to say about it. She probably costs an arm and a leg to hire, so make it worth it, Debrahlee. You’ll inevitably end up making some kind of convoluted history in one way or another.

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