Johnny and I have loved each other and been involved for a very long time, he just doesn’t know about it. I loved Johnny Depp—really loved him. I thought he was completely brilliant. He was always photographed with a book in his hand, he owns an island with no electricity, and he raised his kids in France so they’d have culture and not be spoiled brats. He did amazing projects and he was amazing in them. He’s a musician. He played with Eddie Vedder at charity events and would pop up randomly at shows. He was just my perfect guy.
Johnny Depp has played almost every crush I’ve ever had. My first crush in the whole world was ‘Cry-Baby’. Oh yeah. I was gonna marry a motorcycle riding drape that sang country music (and I kind of did). Then he embodied Buster Keaton in Benny and Joon, he was Hunter S. Thompson (my hero) in Fear and Loathing, played Ichabod Crane in Sleepy Hollow (don’t judge me—I’ve loved Ichabod since I was seven and saw him in the cartoon version), he played a pirate and every girl loves a pirate, starred in a Stephen King film (my other hero)—don’t get me started on the Libertine (I’d get syph from him any day), and then came our first fight.
I have always had a thing for Willy Wonka, but Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka. When Depp was announced I was over the moon. Then I saw the first shots and wanted to burn him at the stake. But I forgave him because that’s what you do when you love someone. He’ll make this up to me, and he did with Jack Sparrow. A sexy pirate? Johnny, you know how to please your girl. Then Sweeney Todd … playing on my love of serial killers? Johnny … I am eternally yours. Then he did it again. Johnny Depp was announced as the Mad Hatter in Alice in Wonderland. Shut the f-ck up. Guys, I love Alice. The wifi at my house is called the Rabbit Hole, I refuse to have door handles without key hole locks, and I have rabbit that guards my front door. The Mad Hatter is my boo. The Mad Hatter and Ichabod are my childhood dream boats. Then I saw the first shots of the Mad Hatter. That was our first real fight. That fight would lead to our eventual divorce.
After Alice came more Pirates. Pirates number 4? Really? Even Orlando Bloom stepped away from that shipwreck of a franchise. After Pirates 1 those movies are shit. You’re making them just to make them at this point, Johnny! You swore you never would! Yes, I know that it affords you the ability to dress as Jack and read to kids at schools and hospitals but come on … draw the line! Then came The Rum Diary, a Hunter S. Thompson story. I was so excited, my love was going to come back to me. Nope. Wrong.
I could not and still cannot fathom how Johnny, one of Hunter’s most beloved friends, could allow that book to turn into that movie. For shame, Johnny. Then the final straw happened. Johnny Depp f-cked up Barnabas Collins.
When I was eight I had a bout of insomnia that literally almost killed me. Eight days of no sleep for an eight-year-old. The only thing I could do was watch TV. Scifi played the original Dark Shadows and I fell hard for Barnabas. I own the DVDs, I named a dog after him (I still have the tag on my key chain) and now Johnny was going to play him. For those of you who didn’t see Dark Shadows consider yourself lucky; Tim Burton and Johnny Depp ruined that show. There aren’t words for what they did to that story and that character. They should be banned from making anymore movies together. Their time has passed and so had mine and Johnny’s.
After Dark Shadow’s I called it off. This was not “my Johnny” anymore. After our break came his break up with his real life love, Vanessa Paradis, and more of the true Johnny emerged. He’s a douche. A huge douche. He is on any stage that will have him. He’s playing with Manson, Aerosmith, Alice Cooper, the Stones, and a few others all within six months. He’s also staring in “The Lone Ranger” and updated version of the television show as Tonto. What a piece of trash that movie looks like. After that comes yet another Pirates film. I was also really disappointed when I read that the split with Paradis was cause by an affair. Really? You’re going to cheat on the mother of your two children? Come on! Douche move.
I’m done, we’re done. I’ve moved on. We had our fun but Johnny; you need to find yourself again. Get back to the Johnny I used to love because this guy … he’s just such a douche.