Boys are Yucky

Boys are gross. That’s a fact. They do gross things, and find gross things awesome. They can go four days without a shower and not notice. It’s gross. To further prove my point Reddit conducted a “what do you do” type poll and these are some of the results, none of which are shocking.

This is what men admit to doing on the toilet and my response to it:

“Pretend stream of piss is a power washer for removing the hard to get stains from the toilet.”- Why are there stains? Clean your toilet with real cleaning supplies or buy those blue things that hide them!

“Like most people, I pee in the shower. Unlike most people, I hold my penis upwards when I do it sometimes. It makes a really cool fountain.”- That is not “like most people”. You stand in urine. Then you spray urine up towards your face. Gross. So freaking gross.

“Tried to spit directly into your stream while pissing.”- WHY?!!?

“Flush mid piss and race the toilet.”- This I understand.

“I am quite confident that all men with a bathroom scale weigh themselves before and after they poop to see how much it weighed.”- So simple…men are so simple.

“When taking a piss make a circle with your fingers around the stream and try to make sure you don’t get on your hand.”- But you do get it on your hands…the pee sprays on your hands, disgusting.

“Take an epic dump so intense that you had to remove your shirt because it got so hot.”- It should not be such hard work…change your diet.

“Saw a turd in half with super-power piss-stream.” I can’t. I can’t even…how do you not gag? You know what…no…just…no.

This is what men admit to doing with their balls and my commentary:

“When your balls get stuck to your thighs in a public place, you open your legs as wide as possible without looking like a freak and let the balls slowly unstick. Best feeling.” “After you took a piss and a lil ballsack meat is stuck between your boxers and you just lift your leg like a dog who’s about to pee.” “Do a little leg kick mid walk in an attempt to unstick your balls from your leg.”- Three different ways unsticking your balls is amazing. You simple lovely creatures.

“Sit there and watch your ball sack move in and out by itself like some weird alien being. I can sit there and stare at it fluctuate for …

… hours.”-Wait, what? Why? Why does it move like that?

“I find that when sniffing my fingers after scratching my balls I have three reactions: 1) Hmm… no smell. Interesting. 2) Yep… that’s some good ball smell right there. 3) Oh dear god why?”- This is why I don’t like to shake hands.

This is what men admit to doing in their fantasies and my thoughts on them:

“When I’m in the shower, I day dream about criminals breaking into my home to harm my family and how I would be a hero and fucking kill all the bad guys. I’m an adult man and have been doing this since forever.”- Me too.

“Fantasize of the scenario of how you’d stylishly disarm, ninja-fight, and incapacitate the crazy gunman that just took over your office/classroom/crowded place, while everyone watches and all the women visibly swoon over your manliness.”- People in my office are kind of jerks…so I don’t get this one but I respect it.

“Imagine how you would save your work place, school or whatever from terrorists, DieHard style!”- Totally.

“Thought about how you could save the day if a gunman came into your classroom.”- All the time.

This is what men admit to doing while watching porn and my reaction:

“Tried to find porn that looks like girl that you know.”-Why don’t you just fantasize about that girl you know?

“Spend more time trying to find the ‘right’ porn than actually masturbating.”- I feel ya buddy.

“Watched porn and then immediately regretted what you jerked off to after you finished. No, she wasn’t that hot, but she was naked and that is all that mattered at the time.”- What kind of porn are you watching? I will never believe it’s anything normal.

“Find the most amazing porn video ever, cum so fast motherfuckas wanna fine you, “Nah, I don’t need to bookmark it. OHGODWHYDIDNTIBOOKMARKITWHEREISIT FUCK.”- Always bookmark…always.

This is what men admit to doing with their penises and my thoughts on this behavior:

“Pushed my dick head down into the shaft skin like a turtle head going in. Continue till it’s gone! Watch it awesomely ‘grow’ back.”- I understand this and kind of want to see it happen.

“Lie down in a halfway full bathtub and imagine your dick is a palm tree on a tropical island. It just looks so peaceful and happy. Later it becomes a grassy island!”- I love everything about this.

“Pretended the peehole was a mouth and using it like a ventriloquist doll.”- Even if you don’t have a penis you have done this trick at some point in your life.

“I like to spread my legs whilst naked and swing my balls left and right.. i pretend I’m a grandfather clock and yell “BING BONG BING BONG.. BONG BONG BING BANG.”- I wish I’d known you. I imagine if I had balls I’d do the same thing.

“I don’t know about anyone else but I roll my penis into itself via foreskin. Its like it ate itself into a different dimension.”- Foreskin freaks me out. It’s a germ thing….

“When semi erect you put it between your legs, tense up and then let it slap against your belly. I don’t know if this makes it any bigger, but damn is it fun.”- Doesn’t that hurt?

“Gotten an erection and hung a towel/hat on it.”-Well, yeah.

“There have been multiple instances where I have been half-asleep and suddenly realized that I’ve been lightly humping my bed for the past 10-20 minutes. Instincts man, they can be both good and bad.”- I want to know this guy’s age.

There you have it, admitted proof that boys are gross and probably sticky.

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4 thoughts on “Boys are Yucky

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