When Katie Holmes started dating Tom Cruise, I was really grossed out. Then when they became engaged and she had that Scientology girl following her around all the time, I was worried for Katie. Then she was pregnant and Cruise was performing his ultrasounds on her and I had to give up. It was awful—I couldn’t handle all the stress and anxiety that came with following their celebrity relationship. Not to mention, I really do not enjoy Scientology.

I love cults, and I’m fascinated by them. Jim Jones and The People’s Temple, David Koresh and The Branch Davidians, Charles Manson and The Family; I love them all, but Scientology just never did it for me. And before anyone says “Scientology is different,” let me just say, “Shut up.” No it’s not—it’s a crazy cult and they do bad things, and the only reason it’s even as popular today as it is is because L. Ron Hubbard was smart enough to get celebrity names and …

… money that’s the only difference.

So. Now that Katie is out of the marriage and the “church,” I can resume not caring about her (I never watched Dawson’s Creek so she never mattered much to me).  But the way Katie got out of all of this madness made me have a little respect for her. Like, damn girl …really? Let me break down why she was pretty badass on this:

1—She used a disposable cell phone to communicate with her lawyers.  Katie’s friend bought her a disposable cell phone (probably because her purchases are tracked) so she could communicate with lawyers so that Tom and his staff (and all people inside the “church of Scientology”) wouldn’t know that she was getting ready to bounce. So James Bond!

2—When she filed, she had already hired three law firms in three different states. Talk about covering all the bases.

3—She demanded that she be in charge of Suri’s schooling and that Suri would not be exposed to Scientology. Legal physical custody. Guys, this was all because Katie didn’t want Suri to be in a cult. I’m calling a spade a spade here.

4—Katie’s already become a member of a NYC Catholic Church. This is also badass to me simply because it confirms my theory that Scientology sucks and is probably one of the major reasons for the divorce.

5—She hasn’t said that Scientology wasn’t to blame for their breakup. So that means it was, and I’m right and brilliant.

Yes, I just made Katie Holmes’ divorce about me, but it’s not just about me— it’s about you, too. We all saw this coming, and to be honest, it makes me happy that this is seemingly revolving around Suri and her best interest. I kind of feel that if Suri wasn’t around yet, Katie might still be married to this weirdo. I’m totally glad to see a celebrity parent stepping up and saying, “This life is awesome and I get everything I want but this life isn’t okay for my child.” I mean, Katie will still be getting enough alimony in order to keep Suri in the life she has become accustomed to with some reports saying that’s over 10 million in child support over the next 12 years so …so it’s not that much of a change in lifestyle—at least as far as Suri’s to be concerned.

Lastly, I would like to say on the topic of Scientology and if it played a role in this divorce—I think it did, but I also work in the entertainment industry so … who knows if it did or didn’t (it did). This divorce never should’ve come as a surprise to anyone and the fact that the “church” is being blamed for it is all alleged (no, they’re to blame—they are totally to blame). So we will have to wait a few years and let the does settle before we get the truth (that Scientology is a cult and made Katie Holmes perform a “Not Without My Daughter” kind of escape).

Kudos, Katie!

You Might Also Like ...

• Scientology Nightmare