Time magazine is the topic du jour because of their controversial cover of a woman breastfeeding a three-year-old boy. Is it over-mothering? Is it offensive? Is it inappropriate? Did you not care enough because you didn’t breastfeed until your child could stop, pop your breast out of their mouth and say, “Thank you, Mommy, I’ve had enough now”?
Breastfeeding has always been a hot button issue from the healthy benefits of it and ‘how dare you deny your child something like that’ to ‘don’t do that in public, that’s atrocious’. But this, for me, crosses a line. It’s partially Time’s fault, as they purposefully posed the picture this way. They were the ones who wanted people to be uncomfortable and angry and start talking about them. It was marketing. I get it. But that doesn’t take away the fact that it does happen. In my opinion, women are breastfeeding for far too long, the new trend is called “attachment parenting.”
There is a triad of attachment parenting: breastfeeding into the toddler stage and beyond, co-sleeping, and “baby wearing,” meaning the infant is forever attached to the mother in one of those baby slings. All of this was introduced in a book called “The Baby Book” by Dr. Sears. Dr. Sears says, ” … the more time babies spend in their mothers’ arms, the better the chances they will turn out to be well-adjusted children,” and that “every baby’s whimper is a plea for help and that no infant should ever be left to cry.”
That does make some sense. But dude, babies cry … and they cry because they don’t know how to communicate so sighs and moans and screams is how they talk, too. It is not a “plea for help” all the time … that’s a bit much.
I’m going to get a little personal here: when I was younger, my mother rocked me to sleep and her best friend told her “don’t do that, trust me—that baby will have issues leaving you,” to which my mother replied “this is my last baby and I’ll do what I want.” That best friend was Nancy Sayles Kaneshiro, who went on to write a baby book called Baby: An Owner’s Manual and sure enough, I’m in a chapter. I did grow up to have severe separation anxiety from my mother, and I also much preferred sleeping in her bed instead of mine. When my parents divorced, I moved into my mother’s room, where I stayed for months. Even now, in my late 20’s, I am ridiculously attached to my mother. If I have a bad day, I call and yell to her because she’s the closest thing to me. I often find myself worried at the thought that one day she won’t be just a phone call away. Now, I don’t know if that’s because she rocked me, or if she …
… just spoiled me, but there is something to be said about mothers that make their children rely on themselves. I grew up very quickly and have always been a tough kid, but like I said, whenever something goes wrong to this day, I call my Mommy and there’s always that feeling in the pit of my stomach that she’ll be able to fix it (even though 99% of the time she’s totally useless in said situations).
But what is the other option? It’s the “let them cry” approach. I have a very hard time hearing a baby cry because I’m a human, but I also know that sometimes they just need to cry it out and know that crying does not fix anything. No one will come running to save you just because you cry … but I get it. Sometimes you need a good cry.
According to Sears, this approach has “harmful neurologic effects that may have permanent …
… implications on the development of sections of their brain.” Sears cites a number of academic studies to back up his point. But in looking at the research, there is no evidence that bouts of crying associated with sleep training affect brain development. Several papers Sears cites involved studies of rats. At least one looked at babies who suffered from cases of severe neglect or trauma, so yeah, that particular kid is probably not going to sleep well. The science to back up this claim just isn’t there yet. But you know moms and no one can tell them how to parent their kids once they make their mind up about it.
The problem with attachment parenting is that it is literally 24/7 parenting. You are your baby’s possession until … well I don’t even know when. Forever, I’d assume. If you’re a stay-at-home mom, that’s awesome and you can be at your baby’s beck and call, but if you’re a single mom? Forget it. This just isn’t an option for you. And to say that good kids don’t come from single parents is ludicrous—just look at me.
Mayim Bialik (aka “Blossom”) wrote a book about attachment parenting and she insisted, in a recent New York Times piece, that it is a feminist philosophy for motherhood. Her argument about breastmilk and hormones and women’s bodies definitely had some logical points:
We believe that breast milk is biologically and nutritionally superior to anything formula manufacturers tell you is equal to it, and that sleeping next to your baby releases positive hormones that facilitate bonding … Now tell me how attachment parenting is inconsistent with feminism?
She’s right, breast milk is better (pending the mother took care of herself), but does that mean they should have it when they are clearly old enough to eat solid food? Isn’t organics good enough for your toddler? Yeah, I get that it’s feminism in a way, since your milk is way superior to anything man can make, and it comes your body blah blah blah. But that brings us back to the age old “is feminism oppression for men”? Are men less of a parent because they can’t breastfeed until the kid is in middle school?
Dr. Sears also has flawed opinions. In his first book he said if women went back to work, they damaged the child. Now he says:
“… suggest mothers quit their jobs and borrow money to make up the difference. [One couple] couple subsidized their sons’ wives so they could stay home with the Sears grandchildren.”
Well, we don’t all come from best-selling baby book author families so “borrowing money” isn’t really an option for everyone. I also find it very anti-feminist to be told I need to stay at home and beg for money or I’m a bad mother. My mother worked her butt off, supported two kids, and I had no idea we weren’t rich until I was in my late teens. That, my friend, is a feminist bad-ass mama.
The bottom line is that good mothering is feminism. It takes a tough woman to be a good mom, it takes a smart, selfless, caring, unbelievable woman to be a good mother. I don’t care if you do attachment method, or if you do “cry it out”—if you’re doing it because you believe that is the best for your kid and you will do anything to make sure that child gets the best, is happy, healthy, and succeeds, then damn it, you’re a feminist.