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If you happen to follow Evil Beet Gossip as well as Zelda Lily (and to those of you who do, kudos to you for taking it all with a grain of salt, ha!), you probably noticed an interesting conversation sparked by one of the recent posts concerning actress Sarah Jessica Parker and some comments she made about her husband, Matthew Broderick. When interviewed about Broderick and their marriage, Sarah had this to say:
“I think that’s healthy and I think it’s realistic. Some people have it down to 20 minutes a week. Other unfortunate people have it down to 20 minutes per hour.”
What Sarah’s referring to is the fact that she, herself, “hates” her husband for twenty minutes a day, and claims that those figures are actually pretty good in comparison to … well, I don’t know who, exactly, she’s comparing herself to, but if what she says is true, I’d hate to meet those who “hate” their spouses for larger blocks of time on a higher frequency.
What’s also interesting is that many of the commenters – some quite different from those we have here on Zelda Lily – supported Sarah’s comments and claimed that they, too, “hate” their partners for significant periods of time weekly or daily. To me, this came …
… across as sort of a culture shock. While no one’s marriage is perfect, my own included, I can definitely attest to the fact that I do not – do not – “hate” or hate my husband for any period of time. Does he irritate the hell out of me when he balls his dirty socks up and I have to peel them apart in order to throw them into the washer? Well, yes. That’s gross, and I hate dirty socks to begin with. Does he irk me when I get dirty looks for commenting on his sometimes-distracted driving, yet it’s perfectly OK to comment when I might take a turn a little too narrowly? Sure. But it’s all petty garbage, and certainly nothing to hate anyone over. As far as I’m concerned, it’s not even a valid reason to spend more than a second being pissed off about, good Lord.
In the post on Evil Beet, I’d mentioned that maybe Sarah should seek a divorce if she was spending so much time “hating” Matthew Broderick, because it’s apparently not a healthy situation. This was also met with speculation that the author of the post (i.e., me) must not be married, or I wouldn’t make such a comment. And friends of Zelda Lily, it confused me. It really and truly confused me. So I corrected those under the misapprehension that I was not married:
“I’ve actually been married for six years, together for a total of eight, and after ‘growing’ with this person and moving beyond all the BS, I can honestly say that, no, I have not ‘hated’ my husband in the time we’ve spent since we both grew the hell up. It works wonders … “
I mean, call me a hopeless romantic, but there aren’t many marriages* that I’m familiar with on a comfortable, talk-about-it level where one partner (or both) claim to despise the other. Who knows, though. Maybe I’m just lucky. Or, you know, decisive and unwilling to put myself or those I love through unnecessary bullshit when I could better spend my time getting over the petty things while spending my life happy and content while knowing I have the option of changing situations. If you’re not happy, get out. If you can’t get past the BS that you’re putting up with, fix it as best as you can, and if not? Get out. I know it’s not as simple and as cut-and-dry as that in every circumstance (I’ve been through some of those, too), but it’s not like anyone’s twisting your arm to stay in a situation that’s making you miserable. And it’s not acceptable to make yourself miserable because you can’t move in a more positive direction by not sweating the petty stuff.
Thoughts?
*AKA none.
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I totally understand where Sarah Jessica Parker is coming from on this. I lived with my two best friends for a year, and I probably spent an average of twenty minutes a day “hating” one of them in particular, for various reasons. His items left out in the hallway, his dirtying of the shower and refusal to clean it, or his less-than-desirable habits in the kitchen all prompted me to experience (purely internal) bouts of calm, silent hatred towards him. I used these moments to process my disappointment with his actions, and then I moved on. I did not yell at him or throw things or do something as uncomfortably confrontational as mentioning my gripes with him, because he already knew my feelings on the matter.
I do not see why a typical marriage should be any different. That said, that is a big part of why I would never get married.
PS: I do not have Borderline Personality Disorder, I swear. I doubt that SJP does, either. I just do not like to be crossed or disappointed.
I’m going to say the things I already said on Evil Beet – I’ve been married for six years (together for ten) and I’ve never *hated* my husband. I’ve been irritated at him, upset, disappointed, etc. but never hatred. I think part of the problem comes from different uses of the word “hate.” For example, Simon, I don’t think I would have used the word “hate” to describe the way I feel when someone refuses to clean things. Irritation, anger, annoyance, sure. But hatred – to me – is much worse than that. But people often use “hate” in a milder, sort of cutesy way (“Oh my god, I hate that!”), and perhaps this is what SJP was getting at. Even still, I think that silently fuming about things (the way you described, Simon) is not really the right way to deal with them in a marriage (roommates, sure, since you’re not necessarily bound to them for the rest of your life), and if that’s the way a “typical marriage” works, then I’m glad my marriage is atypical. If something bothers me, I am capable of having a conversation about it with my husband, without either of us getting more than mildly upset. We either end up compromising, or I learn the justification behind it and I end up getting over it. For the first few years we were married my husband was an alcoholic, and that led to angrier arguments, but since both of us have – as Sarah so aptly put it – “grown the hell up”, this doesn’t seem to be a problem anymore. Bottom line: if SJP is being cute, fine. If she’s not, then even if what she’s feeling is “typical”, I don’t think it’s good.
Also, I think it was really messed up that the commenters on Evil Beet’s initial reaction was “well, you must not be married” when Sarah suggested that hating your husband is weird.
I may be reading this wrong, but didn’t Sarah only say that she hates her husband for 20 minutes a week, not “20 minutes a day” like you stated in the third paragraph? I also imagine that her quote may be taken out of context, or at least emphasized entirely too much. People use the word “hate,” when they really mean dislike or frusration all the time.
Forget about what she says and look at the body language in their red carpet photos. She is smiling warmly at the cameras as is appropriate for that setting and he tends to look like he’s in front of a firing squad or has a wedgie. Since he is an actor and not a civilian, I can’t think it is because he is unused to public clamor. It looks like he can’t even get to together to fake it for the cameras. I have to think he loathes her more than 20 minutes a day.
Repost from EB!