Mainstream American Women’s magazines are the bane of my existence. They are truly horrendous and possibly the most ridiculous source of asinine information EVER. That being said, it comes as absolutely no surprise to me that in this months’ edition of Glamour magazine, they tackle the ever-so-important male “body quirks.” And when they say …
… body quirks they are talking about the following: crooked penises, third nipples, uniballs, and uncircumcised penises.
That’s right ladies – if you were worried and concerned over your dude’s crooked junk, un-cut penis, missing ball, or extra nipple, Glamour has taken the time to address your concerns.
First up: The Crooked Penis.
Is this really an issue that needs to be addressed? I have yet to hear any of my friends mention their guy is sporting a crooked penis. I just don’t think it’s something bothering women so much that it needs to be addressed in Glamour, yet the author seems to think that women are highly concerned over a curved penis. The article’s author writes,“Relax, this shouldn’t affect you, though you may need to take things slow since, in some cases, sex may cause him a little pain.”
So now he’s weird and a puss. OK. This is winding up to be some great advice.
Body quirk Number 2: The third nipple.
For the love of God, really. So far, all this list has done is make women look like a bunch of raging bitches obsessed with bodily perfection, and that’s just the example that we women want to be setting, right? And anyway, hasn’t the third nipple been covered on like every sitcom known to man?
Body quirk Number 3: The Uniball.
Despite what your BFF told you in middle school, a uniball is not the result of the clap or gonorrhea. It’s pretty normal, or at least, not uncommon, but apparently, the gals at Glamour magazine think that women will be fearful of committing to a solo-balled guy, but fear not – the author assures us that dudes with one ball are still fully capable of becoming fathers (because women are whiny, self-entitled twats that only have marriage and children on the mind). I’m certain you were all concerned, but you have nothing to worry about on this one. For your man, the author urges you to “treat it no differently than you would a set,” and I grudingly admit that I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Last but certainty not least: The Uncircumcised Penis.
Are you grossed out by your guy’s uncircumcised penis? Glamour wants to address your concerns. Their fine writer goes on to perpetuate the societal myth that uncut penises are dirty and weird by saying:
“For those who are accustomed to a sharpened pencil, there should be nothing alarming about the penis au naturel. Some studies have found that uncircumcised guys may be more likely to give you an STD, but many men and women argue that foreskin enhances sexual pleasure. And then there are those who think there’s not a big difference.”
The author goes on to say that it doesn’t matter as long as your guy is comfortable and that you wear a condom. Interesting that the only time a condom was mentioned was in reference to an uncut penis.
My question to you guys – is the above list of guy body quirks things you have seriously been concerned about? Do you wish they would have addressed other things? Do you find this list as insanely stupid as I do? Most importantly, could you imagine the outrage if a men’s magazine compiled a list of common female ‘mutations’ (like one boob being larger than the other, or an ‘odd-colored’ vagina) or with tips on how to get over them?
Way to set a great example, Glamour.
Huh. These aren’t things I’ve encountered, but strangely I find that I also don’t care.
How is a NATURAL PENIS a “body quirk”? What is wrong with this country?!
Let’s just agree Maxim and Cosmo are horrible.
How about we agree that they should just cancel each other out?
These magazines just cater to both men’s and women’s insecurities.
Uncircumcised, a QUIRK? Anyone who actually reads Glamour better not try and get some European man because, boy, I only know one bloke who’s circumcised. This so stupid; why would anyone in their right mind say an altered body part must be the norm??
It’s really insane the way the United States has so normalized removing a body part that people think it’s freakish to still have. Like, really insane. I don’t get it. As far as I can gather, it never quite achieved the same commonness in Canada, as I don’t think it’s so rare, and women don’t freak out the same way at the thought.
I think that many women are concerned about these things, although I think men are likely more conscious of these particular concerns than women. I once had a boyfriend inform me (with great trepidation) that his penis was crooked. He was certain I would wouldn’t want to be involved with him after I knew “his secret.” He was so worried and upset that I thought he was about to tell me that he was sterile or had an incurable STI. I teach college students in Oklahoma and I can completely see them freaking out about each of these things and being too embarrassed to ask for information. I also think men and women, especially young and/or inexperienced men and women, do have questions about “odd colored vaginas” and breasts of different sizes. Although I certainly don’t think that Glamour is a good source of information about these things, the case could easily be made that we should take steps to educate people that many of these “quirks” are normal. There is interesting research being conducting about women’s vagina-esteem. (I may have made up that word, but you see what I mean.) Magazines don’t just airbrush cellulite and wrinkles, they digitally alter the appearance of genitals (when it is relevant to the publication). This leaves many people with no idea that there is a large range of appearances of penises, labia, vulvas, nipples, breasts, scrotums, foreskin or the lack thereof, etc. I guess I just don’t think the Glamour article is that silly or irrelevant.
Siobhan- I also don’t think it is ridiculous to think that a person may be concerned/curious about whether a single testicle is linked to lower sperm production relative to two testicles considering that one of the main function of testes is produce sperm. Addressing this issue does not make women look like “whiny, self-entitled twats that only have marriage and children on the mind.” That you would make that leap is, in my opinion, ridiculous. My students ask me questions like this all the time. I would hate for someone (like you, for instance) to make them feel stupid and not ask. It is also a little disconcerting that you responded to the suggestion that people be sensitive that a man with a crooked penis may experience pain during sex by saying that it implies that such a man is a “puss.” I suppose that women the pain some women experience during intercourse due to a tilted uterus should also be dismissed.
Totally agree.
This post was a little over the top. Would my being somewhat taken aback to discover my partner had a third nipple make me a raging bitch obsessed with imperfections? Or would it just mean that perhaps I’ve never SEEN a third nipple and am therefore curious about it? And would being concerned that having one testicle might mean lower sperm count really make me a self-entitled twat? Or someone unfamiliar with male anatomy (because I’m female) just concerned about fertility issues?
I think this post says more about who YOU are as a person than anything about womens magazines. Jeez.
It’s also kind of funny to mention that third nipples have been covered on every sitcom known to man without acknowledging that this topic comes up on sitcoms because it is assumed to be funny and embarrassing. Sitcom = Situational Comedy. If the comedic situation is that some poor person has a third nipple, then its not exactly helpful. It’s not like third-nipples are featured on those “special” serious episodes of normally funny shows that are supposed to teach viewers tolerance, etc.
I find myself not giving a rat’s ass about any of this.
I will also confess that nearly all of the really good information that I got as a child regarding sex, pregnancy, etc – came from stolen Modern Romance and True Story magazines.
Now, to someone who had a basic clue, this stuff was silly, but to an uninformed 9 year old, they were a fount of information.
I can’t believe I have reached my age without ever seeing a third nipple.
Must Google. Now.
OMG Blurry, another memory! I remember taking them mags from my Mom and reading them!! I also remember one vacation in the car, where she “officially” allowed me to read them!
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Happy Thanksgiving to all!
Believe it or not,I had a girl friend with three extra nipples,two on one side. She said that they usually descend in clarity in a V pattern towards the navel,which hers did,only one being real prominent and the others looking like birth marks but a little different. I guess some biologists believe that it is proof of evolution. She also had several personalities,but that is an entirely different story.
I’m not circumcised (which must be have been a rarity among men in the Midwest and Northeast, at least in the 1970/1980′s). I’d say that at half the women with whom I became intimate were at least taken aback by this, and it was enough to completely turn off two of ‘em.