Mainstream American Women’s magazines are the bane of my existence. They are truly horrendous and possibly the most ridiculous source of asinine information EVER. That being said, it comes as absolutely no surprise to me that in this months’ edition of Glamour magazine, they tackle the ever-so-important male “body quirks.” And when they say …
… body quirks they are talking about the following: crooked penises, third nipples, uniballs, and uncircumcised penises.
That’s right ladies – if you were worried and concerned over your dude’s crooked junk, un-cut penis, missing ball, or extra nipple, Glamour has taken the time to address your concerns.
First up: The Crooked Penis.
Is this really an issue that needs to be addressed? I have yet to hear any of my friends mention their guy is sporting a crooked penis. I just don’t think it’s something bothering women so much that it needs to be addressed in Glamour, yet the author seems to think that women are highly concerned over a curved penis. The article’s author writes,“Relax, this shouldn’t affect you, though you may need to take things slow since, in some cases, sex may cause him a little pain.”
So now he’s weird and a puss. OK. This is winding up to be some great advice.
Body quirk Number 2: The third nipple.
For the love of God, really. So far, all this list has done is make women look like a bunch of raging bitches obsessed with bodily perfection, and that’s just the example that we women want to be setting, right? And anyway, hasn’t the third nipple been covered on like every sitcom known to man?
Body quirk Number 3: The Uniball.
Despite what your BFF told you in middle school, a uniball is not the result of the clap or gonorrhea. It’s pretty normal, or at least, not uncommon, but apparently, the gals at Glamour magazine think that women will be fearful of committing to a solo-balled guy, but fear not – the author assures us that dudes with one ball are still fully capable of becoming fathers (because women are whiny, self-entitled twats that only have marriage and children on the mind). I’m certain you were all concerned, but you have nothing to worry about on this one. For your man, the author urges you to “treat it no differently than you would a set,” and I grudingly admit that I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Last but certainty not least: The Uncircumcised Penis.
Are you grossed out by your guy’s uncircumcised penis? Glamour wants to address your concerns. Their fine writer goes on to perpetuate the societal myth that uncut penises are dirty and weird by saying:
“For those who are accustomed to a sharpened pencil, there should be nothing alarming about the penis au naturel. Some studies have found that uncircumcised guys may be more likely to give you an STD, but many men and women argue that foreskin enhances sexual pleasure. And then there are those who think there’s not a big difference.”
The author goes on to say that it doesn’t matter as long as your guy is comfortable and that you wear a condom. Interesting that the only time a condom was mentioned was in reference to an uncut penis.
My question to you guys – is the above list of guy body quirks things you have seriously been concerned about? Do you wish they would have addressed other things? Do you find this list as insanely stupid as I do? Most importantly, could you imagine the outrage if a men’s magazine compiled a list of common female ‘mutations’ (like one boob being larger than the other, or an ‘odd-colored’ vagina) or with tips on how to get over them?
Way to set a great example, Glamour.