I’m just kidding, no they’re not. I mean, they are, but you can’t have really been all that surprised about it, right? You were a fourteen-year-old at one point too, and unless you were the wide-eyed horse-loving girl-pariah, or the plaid-wearing, bug-loving boy who kept his entomology collection in his locker, then you were probably a superfreak, too.
Do we agree? OK. Moving on.
Friend to all nosy parents, and upcoming internet sensation, Ryan Jones has broken the code on your kids’ text speak. That’s right, folks, it goes way, way deeper than just OMG and WTF. There is a positive cornucopia of quasi-appalling innuendos and lewd suggestions behind each and every text that your adolescents’ sexual time bomb-ticking fingers fire off each and every hour of the day. But yet parents are surprised at this. And are taken aback that their middle-school-aged or high school children know what oral sex is and worse — gasp! — talk about it. I mean, I can vividly remember being a lowly seventh grader, talking about how “huuuge” our gym teacher’s penis must be. Why? No fucking clue. It’s not as if he paraded around in a speedo or wore ultra-short shorts that exposed his balls or anything; it was more of a freedom of expression than anything. A “Hey, guys, we’re over the age of twelve now. We can talk about dicks,” type of expression. [Cue the shrill, maniacal laughter of middle school girls because I said "dick."]
Some of the more suggestive terms used by kids today in their texting endeavors?:
aaa – Anywhere, Any place, Any time
aanfctw – assholes are not fucking checking these words
aijcomkb – aw, i just came on my keyboard
avon – Marijuana
bbbjcim – bare back blow job cum in mouth
bfbfl – Best fuck buddie for life
bstl – Balls Stuck To Leg
fff – Fit, Fun, Fuckable
rtp – really tight pussy
Satisfied yet? Are you still fully convinced that your kids are as pure and angelic as the driven snow?
Because instead of gasping and clutching at your throats and being appalled at what your kids may (or may not) be saying to their peers, be thankful that they live in a society today in which they can discuss sexual issues and societal pressures in an environment that’s conducive to their development and understanding. Unlike a lot of scenarios that we as “older” people probably grew up under, many of today’s kids are becoming even better equipped with an arsenal of positive sexual education than we could have only dreamed of having at that age. And yes, even though crude fart and tit jokes might grate on your cultured and fully-grown nerves, they’re always going to be a hit with pubescent and pre-pubescent kids, who are merely learning the ropes and doing their best to know it all and see it all.
Just like you did when you were their age.