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A new government study in the UK has suggested that marriage counselling can do more harm than good, as it makes couples feel like they have failed and that their relationship is already over.
Most people would rather have a happy relationship and, if they do experience problems, try to resolve the issues privately between themselves or with the help of close friends or family. But the new report, conducted by the Department for Education, suggests that if couples do resort to professional help then this is ‘intrinsically linked with feelings of failure and defeat.’ The study also found that seeking professional help made individuals feel weak and that by the time a couple decided to attend relationship counselling both parties often thought it was too late to repair their relationship.
The report said that:
‘Many of the participants felt that a couple should be able to deal with their relationship problems privately – without having to rely on external relationship support. Support from friends and family was considered more acceptable. A few of the participants suggested that if a couple required formal or professional relationship support to solve a relationship difficult, then the relationship was not worth saving and unlikely to be successful. Most [of the participants] reported that they would not use a relationship counselling service.’
The report, titles ‘Relationship …
… Difficulties and Help Seeking Behaviour,’ derived its results from interviews and focus groups conducted with people in long-term relationships over three years. As well as the views on relationship counselling, the study also found that most relationship difficulties were centred around parenting, family, friends and in-laws and infidelity.
A strong relationship was defined as one based on closeness, allowing independence, having children and providing support. Talking to each other and even arguments – if carefully controlled – were thought to be constructive in preventing problems from arising.
The most welcomed source of relationship support, the study found, was through informal and ‘unbiased’ routes such as close social contacts. Being a strong and resilient person was viewed as incompatible with the use of counselling services.
The way I see it, relationship counselling, just like any other form of counselling, can be invaluable for couples or individuals who find themselves in need of some assistance from a neutral and professional source. Professional relationship support and relationship counselling should be made as informal and possible and should be viewed as a healthy way to discuss issues within a relationship, not as a way of trying to rescue an already-failed relationship.
The report seems to echo my views on this to some degree, suggesting that using technology and the internet to offer relationship support should be explored, and that health professionals and teachers should be trained in helping couples and individuals with their relationships, saying that:
‘Evidence from this research suggests that issues over availability, accessibility and acceptability prevent the uptake of more formal types of support. Innovative solutions such as internet technology may be a means of overcoming such barriers. Recent research into the preferences of an innovative relationships support website suggests that the main attractions are that it is immediate, confidential, not face-to-face, and informative.’
What do you guys think – can the internet stand in for relationship counselling, or is this too remote and too far away from human contact and opinion to make any difference? What can be done to remove the stigma surrounding professional relationship support?
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I can understand the view that a relationship is too far broken if it requires counseling. I don’t necessarily condone it, but it makes sense that two people who are in a relationship with just each other would think their relationship is broken and weak if they need an “outsider” to help them fix it. I honestly hope I never need relationship counseling, because I don’t know how I would accept it.
On the one hand, I can see why it would attractive to use the internet to solve relationship problems. However, there is something about face-to-face interaction that I could see as being far more effective.
Relationship counselling is crap, usually it just validates one partner while minimizing and humiliating the other. You will ether get your ego stroked and then lose your mate. Or get humiliated and demeaned until you just walk away, ether way it is bull.
“usually it just validates one partner while minimizing and humiliating the other.”
When you’re a guy who says things like “All women should be locked in cages while they give birth” I can imagine that you are the one who’s being minimized and humiliated. And you should be.
But normal people actually have an outside party who points out to both partners what they’re doing right and wrong and how to work together to see the situation from the other’s perspective…
So I guess it has worked for you then? Oops I forgot your relationships end with your partner sobering up and getting a good look at you. No amount of counselling can fix that.
i think people should be open to the idea. sometimes when you are in the relationship and things are going too well, can make it difficult to see sense. having an outside person can enlighten with the issues that are occuring in the relationship when sometimes people are blinded and dont see