MSNBC recently ran an article delving into the unique area of infertility among American couples and the psychological trauma that can be associated with infertility. The article discussed how infertility has affected a few couples specifically, and the general facts about infertility:
One in eight American couples will experience infertility, and 1.1 million women will undergo treatment this year. That most won’t talk about it makes it that much more painful: A recent survey of infertility patients reveals that 61 percent hide the struggle to get pregnant from friends and family. More than half of the patients included in the survey, conducted by pharmaceutical giant Schering-Plough, reported that it was easier to tell people they didn’t intend to build a family rather than share their troubles.
To me, it makes sense why infertility could easily become such a unique problem for couples. For starters, it’s easy to endure this challenge in silence. I can see why a couple would choose to not tell their families or friends if they were attempting to have a child, but were unsuccessful. As a result, no one would know to be careful about what they say concerning children (think about how many times a couple struggling with infertility gets asked when they’re going to have kids! That seems painful to me).
There are clearly important psychological issues at play here. The article goes on to address some of them:
Having difficulty getting pregnant can cause as much grief as losing a loved one, says Linda D. Applegarth, Ed.D., director of psychological services at the Perelman Cohen Center. “But it’s different. It is chronic and elusive,” she adds. “There’s a fear that life will be eternally empty. Some feel a sense of damage and brokenness; it goes to the heart of who they are.”
Again, unique to this medical issue, I think it would be easy to blame yourself for somehow being “defective” and unable to have a child. It sounds like a tough thing to go through! And yet we, as a society, as blithely insensitive to the issue in general.
What do you think about the issues of infertility? Do you think we as a society can be better at being more sensitive to those who are struggling with it? Have you, yourself, gone through the rigors of suffering infertility?
IMO – the biggest problem with struggling with infertility is that you are basically trying to get pregnant about the same time most of your friends are. So – they are getting pregnant left and right, and you are still counting days and hours and peeing on sticks and going in for blood draws. You are happy for them, but your head is on other things.
I didn’t mind discussing it when asked, but really – who wants to hear your shit on any day? I’ve got kids now, and I know people really don’t want to hear about them 24/7 either. Just because my mind is consumed with feeding and eatting schedules doesn’t mean my cube-mates are wanting to hear it.
How could we be more sensitive about fertility? I understand that people struggling to conceive don’t want to be reminded about it all the time, but I can’t think of a way we can be more sensitive without going WAY over the political correctness deep end.
I agree, especially having been there. If you ask you are being insensitive and you don’t ask you are being insensitive.
There is not a way to be more sensitive. If you are pregnant, and you are trying to hide it from your friend that isn’t, but is trying, how is that helping? You can only hide it so long after all.
Just act normal around them, just like you would if they had a pimple. The pimple isn’t their fault any more than the infertilty is.
I don’t know why my last comment isn’t posting.
I don’t think you can be more sensitive. If you ask all the time you are being annoying, if you don’t ask, then you obviously don’t care…
Having been there, I would say if you are a friend of a person with infertilty problems, just ask if there is anything you can do, and then have your conversations like normal, don’t treat them like the condition they have is taboo. It isn’t their fault anymore than if they had a zit. I didn’t want to be treated with kid gloves, I didn’t want my friends upset to tell me they were pregnant.
I think our “insensitivity” to infertility is based on the current realities of fertility treatment. People go to ridiculous and costly extremes to attempt to have biological children, which is extremely selfish in my opinion. Clearly, every couple on earth cannot have their own children for lack of planetary resources. If you can’t get pregnant, look into adoption or consider not having children AT LEAST in addition to fertility treatments.
If infertility causes a person extreme grief (like a death), that person needs to do some serious soul-searching.
I agree with Finchy. I just don’t see why it’s such a big deal that we need additional sensitivity for.
If one can’t conceive naturally there are thousands of children who wish one would be their parent. I also consider spending a zillion dollars on fertility treatments when there are children out there in desperate need of homes possibly among the heights of selfishness.
It can be alarming and depressing to discover that your body isn’t doing what it’s supposed to do. Procreation is taken for granted by the majority of people. It can make you feel like something is wrong with you when you can’t do it.
What’s so hard to understand about that?
I can see how troubling or stressful it could be if your body wasn’t doing exactly what it was designed to do. However, it could easily be as important to keep it in perspective; I’m sure infertility is more traumatic if you get bogged down in it. Allowing oneself to see that there are other options to having a family would probably make it easier; I think some couples only believe it’s a “real” family if they hump it into existence. It’s still a family if you have lots of sex and just adopt, too!
And yes, I realize in some cases couples are rejected for adoption. However, I was under the assumption that these cases are fairly rare.
Adoption is VERY difficult today if you limit yourself to healthy white infants – simply because most women are willing to raise children without a partner if needed.
Unfortunately, many extended families still won’t completely accept children who are not biologically related to them – especially if they are not of the same race. My stepbrother and his wife adopted a wonderful baby girl from China ten years ago – yet my stepmother never recognized her as her granddaughter and would not appear with her ia such in public.
It was my stepmother’s loss, believe me.
Only my husband’s boys have children, so technically they are my step-grandsons. I couldn’t love them any more if they were my own blood. The 7 year old just flew out here all by himself and spent 2 weeks with Gramma and GrandPaul. Your comment is so true.
You can theorize all that you want, but let’s face it – if you aren’t comfortable adopting a child of a different race, no matter the reason, then DO NOT adopt one!
You aren’t doing anyone any good and will most likely be doing a ton of harm.
I’m with the majority here. More sensitive? Huh? I’m getting a bit tired of tiptoeing around everyone’s sensibilities. There’s a new rule to being PC every damn day. I’m done with that.
I wish instead of turning to expensive and sometimes dangerous fertility treatments our society was just more accepting and encouraging of adopting. I know there is a strong emotional and hormonal drive for women to get pregnant but gosh, there are so many orphans in the world. It seems unthinkable to pay $15,000 to a lab to make a baby when every 2.2 seconds a child becomes orphaned.
I’m going to get shi* on for this but, I even think there should be a fertility tax on these treatments that goes directly towards organizations that take care of orphaned children. If you want to go above nature to get pregnant fine, but some restitution needs to be paid to the children you’re choosing to leave behind. I’ll further the shi-storm and say that the pressure to be pregnant is a very anti-feminist one. Back in the day women were expected to provide children for their hubby, definitely at least one son. It’s an outdated mentality but I think the repercussions of marriages being based on this continues. I challenge any infertile woman to visit an orphanage either here or abroad and not feel an overwhelming need to love and help these children.
I don’t know how this ended up talking about how horrible fertility treatments are. There are a WIDE range of fertility treatments out there, that have nothing to do with spending $15,000. I went thru fertility treatments and I spent maybe $1000 per kid, and that was mostly due to $50 office visits for a specialist.
I go back to this is “pro-choice”. I don’t see a problem with adoption, I don’t see a difference between my adopted sibling and myself. There a lot of steps to go thru to adopt, and it costs about the same as IVF. With adoption you are at least guaranteed a kid at some point.
I think we don’t need ‘sensitivity’ about fertility. We just need to back off about having kids. It wouldn’t be such an issue for people if they didn’t have ‘when are you going to have kids?’ ‘don’t you want babies’ going on around them. It’s stupid when you dont want kids, and it’s painful when you can’t have kids. Why don’t we stop assuming that children are the norm?
Wow, I couldn’t agree more.