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The above video was a staged experiment in a housing community in Johannesburg. On one occasion, a male tenant was accosted by several of his neighbors for playing his drum kit raucously one evening. Several of the community’s tenants gathered to write up an “official” complaint about the incessant — and disruptive — drumming, and after four or five people complained heartily, the subject stopped his racket.
On another night, the same tenant played a recording featuring what was unmistakably a domestic dispute between a man and a woman. The recording was played at full volume and featured a woman screaming in fear, with the noises of glass shattering and a man yelling angrily in the background.
Needless to say, the second experiment, the “domestic violence” segment, yielded no results from neighbors. No one was videotaped peering out their doors, no one gathered to discuss what may be going on inside the house where the “fight” was apparently coming from, and after it continued for minutes, still no one approached to intervene in the situation.
So … either everyone was afraid to get involved, lest they be told to mind their own business, or everyone in the complex happened to be out of town that night.
I’m going on the assumption that the first option is probably the more feasible one, and that’s inexcusable.
My mother, who is one of the strongest women I’ve had the pleasure of knowing, was driving down a freeway at night in my old hometown about ten years ago. She saw a car pulled over …
… off of the road ahead, and stopped to see if the car’s occupant needed a jump, or was having some kind of other mechanical problem. She was aghast at the ongoing scene in the car: a man in his forties was pummeling an elderly woman, a woman my mother assumed to be the assailant’s mother. After a brief look, my mother noticed that the woman was bleeding heavily from both her nose and ears. She approached the driver’s side of the vehicle where the man was seated, with a flashlight in hand. Surprising him, she pulled open the door and began hitting him about the head with a closed fist. She struck a blow on the side of his head with her flashlight, knocking him out. My mother then took the opportunity to aid the injured woman, who was weeping helplessly, and wiping away blood fruitlessly, in the passenger’s seat at this point. She helped the elderly victim out of the car and into her own, and drove her to the nearest hospital to be checked out.
Though the woman ended up being just fine, she ended up with a concussion and a broken heart, for it was the son she bore who had done this to her. The man, who my mother had to testify against in court, was sentenced to seven years in jail for battery, elder abuse, and aggravated assault.
Yeah, my mom was pretty scared about the entire situation, and feared for her own well-being after intervening in such an “intrusive” way, but you know what? Her fear was probably the lesser of two evils when it came down right to it — the other “evil”? The guilt of reading in the paper the very next day that there was a terrified elderly woman who was bludgeoned to death in a beat-up old Chevy on the side of the highway in a dark part of the city.
Make your choice, guys, make it count, and make sure you can live with the end result. The only thing at stake here is, you know, a life.
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I have no problem with calling the cops on domestic abuse or other types of violence (I have on multiple occasions). But as for getting physically involved, it depends on the situation. If it’s multiple attackers, hell no. Even if it’s just one attacker you never know if they could be carrying a weapon.
I believe we do have a responsibility to look after others and speak up on their behalf, but I’m certainly no super hero. At 5′2 and 98 lbs I’m not sure how much I could do anyway, even with a few self defense classes under my belt. But using my cell phone to call 911? I’m very capable of doing that.
Last summer the mayor of Milwaukee broke up a dispute between a man and his wife. The man turned on the mayor and beat him severely, with a crowbar, I believe. The mayor was in the hospital for a great while and had to have multiple surgeries and may still have permanent damage to one of his hands. The trial just took place earlier this month.
I think that’s why people don’t intervene in domestics, the men are often in murderous rages and will turn that anger onto anyone in their path.
your mother is such an amazing woman.
Thanks! I tell her she’s awesome as much as I can. :)
Make sure you tell her the interweb thinks she’s awesome too.
She kicks ass. Literally!
My roommate’s boyfriend was throwing her against the walls of her room a few weeks ago, beating her up. I was in bed, 5 of his friends and 2 of hers were sitting in our living room, ignoring the screaming/banging/crying/”please don’t hurt me” for a good 10 minutes until I kicked open the door and screamed that this was not about to happen in MY house.
When I asked the friends why they hadn’t done anything, they said “it wasn’t our business”. I replied “it’s your business when your friend is getting hurt, how’d you like it if she died while you’re just sitting here twiddling your thumbs, hm?”
I hope it sunk in. And I hope those big strong men in the living room felt great about themselves for being too scared of making waves to stop their buddy from beating on his girlfriend, letting a young woman break up the fight instead.
Even if a situation is too dangerous for you to physically intervene, you shouldn’t just do NOTHING. Call the police at the very least. Please.
I’ll call the cops, but I’m sure as hell not going to intervene personally.
There’s a reason that even cops are wary about getting involved. I have a number of friends on the police force where I used to live, and the danger to them wasn’t especially the man beating his wife/girlfriend/whatever, but that the woman would turn on them as well, and they’d have two assailants to deal with.
Geeze, why is it I always have to be the voice of reason on this forum? It’s like you are purposely deluding yourselves. The reason no one tried to stop it is that it is impossible to know what is going on. You get involved and it is possible you will find yourself in the middle of two raged out psychos. I have known several so called “abused” woman. They were all lunatics with no self control and a propensity for extreme violence (starting fires, stabbing, ect.). It all boils down to why these women chose men who beat the hell out of them. The old “he just changed” line is a dodge meant only to fool the simple minded. No one “just changes” it is a case of women who like violent men, most of the time because they themselves are violent. I am sure that this being a feminist site some of you have worked at battered women’s shelters and most likely got beat down at one time or another by the “victims” housed there. Here is some advice, if you are attracted to violent men, admit it and live with the consequences stop blaming others for your own failings. And just for the record Sarah your story has more than a few holes in it.
You are the voice of reason because you are a man. Women who are hit probably deserve it. You are so right. In fact, all women should be put back in their place. No one is ever just a victim, they usually bring it upon themselves. I myself am looking for a man to beat me up. It seems you might be my perfect match. Perhaps we could have a night of soul shredding insults with a side of you pulling out chunks of my hair, breaking one of my eye sockets, bruising my ribs, and crushing one of my hands because my cousin sent me a text or because I said something with the wrong attitude. I promise to make the best sammiches ever.
@Gigi While your story is appropriately heart wrenching you leave out a few details. Why were you with eye buster in the first place? Have an attraction to violent men? Maybe you saw him bust someone else’s eye and were instantly infatuated? What was the timeline of the beatings? Did you leave after the pulled out hair or was the attention of this dude trying to get you to forgive his “mistake” to good? I am assuming this guy did not jump out of the woods and beat your ass. Something attracted you to him, and made you stay despite tha abuse. It sounds good to say you were trapped or “brainwashed” or whatever PC crap is currently in fashion because saying you stayed because the eye buster was giving you something you needed takes a little bit of the shine off of you doesn’t it? Lets boil it down, there have always been and always will be bad people, that is why you have free will to choose who you associate with.
“that is why you have free will to choose who you associate with.” I completely agree with you. Now I wonder how many people choose not be associated with you for being such a prick?
uh yeah that was a hypothetical situation. But lets assume that not everyone can read minds immediately and that some people can be taken advantage of. But hey, I see that you clearly are the mastermind here, you must have such superpowers.
Since you clearly know nothing about how women get into relationships that involve domestic violence, kindly shut your face. It’s not like the guy punches you in the face during your first date. It starts out as subtle verbal abuse and control tactics that may seem obvious to some of us, but when it’s directed at a young woman with low self esteem who already feels insecure and isolated, who doesn’t have experience with normal healthy relationships, it’s a lot more insidious. There are plenty of reasons women stay in relationships like this. It’s actually MORE dangerous to leave; the risk of homicide increases dramatically when a woman attempts to leave an abusive relationship.
No one should “live with the consequences” because the consequences are DEATH and SERIOUS INJURY.
I know you think you’re being witty and cute and playing the devil’s advocate, but you’re just ignorant and judgmental about something you don’t know shit about.
@Shannon First off I save my witty comments for better audiences than this. And unless you live in some backward third world with arranged marriages, woman choose there partners. The signs that a dude will beat your ass are obvious, what is also obvious is the other qualities these dudes possess. Insane jealously, stalking = attentive / violent, angry = passionate / manipulative=charming, ect. Don’t try to gloss over the fact that these women chose to ignore the dangerous parts of these dudes personalities because of their attraction to the good (or that he is just hot). But I did find your “poor wimmenz are too naive and foolish to be able to make their own decisions” hilarious considering the forum. Also “live with the consequences” means getting beat to death in your world? In mine it means realizing why you put yourself in this position and not only extracting yourself but not getting in it again. Perhaps you should focus less on dogma and wallowing in victim status and more on self improvement, just saying.
No, I’m talking about naive 16-20 year old women, who ARE naive and inexperienced with normal relationships because they aren’t old enough to have experienced very many relationships period. That is why I said “YOUNG women” instead of “women”. Jesus. You really expect a 17 year old to know what to do in this kind of situation? And she deserves what she gets? That’s sick.
And how the hell would you know what it’s like to date a man who turns out to be abusive? Do you have a lot of personal experience? Have you read any studies? Have you bothered to take a class on intimate partner violence? Sorry, but your cute personal observations and anecdotes don’t mean jack in my book, or anyone else’s for that matter. Opinions are like assholes; everyone has them, but some are more educated and well-informed, while yours are just trite and unoriginal.
And YES, “living with the consequences” DOES mean death. Women with physically abusive partners tend to either leave or get beat up so badly that they die.
And fuck you for telling me I’m “wallowing in victim status”. I work with survivors of domestic violence who are trying to piece their lives back together after years of sexual abuse both as children and adults, overcoming addictions to drugs they turned to in order to cope, and debt racked up by their abusive partners to trap them. Trying to find jobs and housing and healing. Really, fuck you. Go troll on CNN/Salon/Fox/whatever if you want to be such an asinine prick. They’ll welcome you with open arms. Why do you waste your time on this website? Do you really have nothing better to do than put down women who are trying the best they can to deal with trauma; and make light of issues that affect us deeply? Because you seem to spend a rather disturbing amount of time doing just that.
Shannon, I love you for saying that. Although he’s probably going to respond asking if you’re PMSing or if your “deep anger issues” are the reason you can’t get a man. But I love your response :)
I hope that I’m strong enough to be able to step in and help someone if they need it. I have only come across a single instance of abuse in my life. It was at a shoe store and a girl and her (presumably) boyfriend were in the store as well. The guy kept nagging this girl about how she had terrible taste and she couldn’t possibly pick out shoes with any style without him. A few minutes later he stormed out of the store for whatever reason and she followed asking if he was going to make her walk home. I was absolutely seething, but really had no idea what to do about it since it wasn’t physical.
@Erin Abuse? Cut the crap, if the genders were reversed you would not have even noticed because it would have been so ordinary. I might go as far as to say you little anecdote cheapens the experiences of those who have actually been abused. I can’t belive your story of abuse some girl being nagged in a shoe store, what did you feel like doing by the way? Bashing his head in with a flashlight, and then taking her out for iced cream?
Perhaps my description does not do the incident justice. Upon re-reading I described it poorly, although it’s fairly hard to describe the mind games he was playing with her. But the fact that I never heard him stop talking at her about how tasteless she was (aka, a classic way to crush self esteem so he has control of her emotions) and that he left, leaving her to follow or be left behind (aka, controlling the situation so she had to follow him or be “punished”) left me with a bad feeling. Sorry he didn’t give her a black eye, I”m sure that would have made the story better for you. But she probably would have deserved it, tasteless bitch that she was; I bet she was thinking of buying 3-inch heels instead of flats, the worthless cuntbag.
Erin it occurs to me that you have a twisted perception of my opinions, who exactly do you think I am? Better question is, in your imagination whos face do I wear? Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, the football player in highschool who ignored you? I am none of them, so cut the straw man routine it is beneath you. And it appears you are the one with mental powers to be able to read the contents of there minds and the ins and outs of thier relationship by one exchange in a shoe store. But then again he must have been a manipulative monster and she an innocent victim, right?. And on another note you can cut out the “poor hurt wimmez” stories, I am not the type of idot to fall all over myself apologizing for my opinions because you spout a sob story.
Oh dear. The high school football player that ignored me? Is that really the best you can do?
And read my comment again. I said I didn’t know what to do because I wasn’t sure if I should have done anything.
There has actually been a lot of research done on this concept of people remaining passive when witnessing crimes against others. It’s called the bystander effect, and basically studies have found that the more people there are observing the crime, the less likely they are to help. It has a lot to do with social pressures (although, of course, fear of being harmed also plays into it, I’m sure). It’s really interesting- even though we all like say that if faced with such a situation we would of course intervene, research proves that in the majority of cases, almost no one does.
@frost I don’t know, they choose not to associate with me so I don’t know them. But most people I spend time, with when given the chance, have opted to spend time with me again, can you say the same? (hint not calling people pricks mite help you in that department).
@Gigi Recognizing a violent jerk takes superpowers? Wow I had no idea, all this time I was just observing when someone was violent and a jerk. Does my cape come in the mail or do I have to go and pick it up?
You have to pull it out of your ass. Don’t worry, wee all know you are great at doing that. I would like to recommend you take a psychology course, abnormal preferably. In the curriculum you might learn about the deceptive nature of those with violent temperaments- often there is a form of psychopathy involved, annnd generally psychopaths are incredibly likable at first (they dress well, seem nice, and are very charming) as you could read about in any profile of the mental disorder. In other cases men have experienced living with a man who was abusive to their mother-figure, and they have complexes which form from a young age. Other times men are taught that they should be in control and associate being manly (including being a traditional gentleman) with taking control and disciplining their partner.
Boring, you’re attempting to break up somewhat complex psychology into “she’s a dumb bitch who likes to get hit.” You’re in waaaaaaaaaaay over your head, cookie, and Gigi is absolutely correct. Abusers don’t hit usually hit in front of other people. Other people often think the abuser is a nice guy, who volunteers for his church and never gets in trouble with the police. And then he goes home, has a mild disagreement with his wife about what color the new carpet should be, and chokes her until she either passes out or agrees with him.
I would encourage you to go to the No Longer Quivering website that someone (Blurry, maybe?) posted a couple of weeks ago, but I’m not sure you would benefit in the slightest.
@Shannon I don’t care about your anger issues or whether or not you can get a man, my point is you are living in a fantasy world where no one (woman) is reponsible for the appities that get them into dangerous situations. Apparently you belive that the world is full of men with mental powers just waiting to pounce on unsuspecting women. Apparently the idea that these women find themselves in this position becouse of there attraction to these types of men is totally alien to you. Ever notice that these serial abusers never lack for female companionship? In fact it is not uncommon for women to compete for their “affections”, why is that? And for the record I come here because I like a good argument, and nobody argues quite like a zelot.
Boring, accepting for the moment your premise that women “are attracted to it” – there are also people attracted to suicide, drug dependancy, dangerous driving, etc. These people deserve the help of society, whether that be through anti-depressants, rehab or in the case of the driver; licence suspension to curb their own self harming behaviours.
If there were women “attracted” to this, would they not deserve the same compassionate mental health services as self harmers receive? Bad childhoods can lead to perverted behaviours yes, but when we as a society have failed to intevene in a tramatic childhood, we have an obligation to intervene in a tramatic adulthood with assistance; not condemnation.
My aunt and uncle are landlords- their independant income allows them to run a non profit charity rehab. The men they treat have “put themselves” in that situation, usually by smoking what their father gave them to smoke. The obligation to assist is independant from the origin of the behaviour.
@Erin “The high school football player that ignored me? Is that really the best you can do?” Forgive me if my mouth is not quite as foul as yours.
[...] on Why Are People So Afraid to Intervene in a Domestic Violence Situation? “I am not the type of idot to fall all over myself apologizing for my opinions because you spout [...]
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Insane set of comments here. It is very dangerous for people to intervene physically. Calling the cops is the only safe option. My grandfather was a police officer and the only time he was seriously hurt on the job was on a domestic violence call where the victim broke a huge flower pot over his head and fractured his skull. Civilians should stand clear and call the cops. They should intervene only if they think the victim might be permanently injured or killed and they are prepared to risk their lives to save them.
I’ve called the cops before, and I once beat my best friend’s room mate’s boyfriend over the head with a baseball bat after he knocked out her two front teeth. I don’t even feel bad about it.
And Boring should really get a life. Don’t respond to trolls like him, ladies, it’s the only way he can get off since I’m sure no woman would ever acknowledge him otherwise.
Whatever you say “killer” wouldn’t want to get you mad. By the way did it feel good? The heft of the bat, the hollow pop when it hit his head, the way he fell like a marionette with it’s strings cut. Helpless and puking on the floor, did you give him a few taps when he was down? How did it make you feel? Strong? Do you find yourself picking fights with your boyfriends just so you can get the chance to feel that way again? I bet you do.
Don’t know about you, Bor, but if a man knocked one of my friends’ teeth out, caving in an eye socket or two on him would feel pretty sweet. Don’t mind if I say so.
You still harping on this Joel? It has been almost a month since this post. It seems to me that you are obsessed, perhaps having fantasies of beating up the guy who was mean to the girl your were “just friends with”? I bet after she cried on your shoulder about how “mean” he was she went and banged him senseless, and then laughed at what a sissy little milquetoast you are.
Found this nest of comments after what happened this morning in my apartment block. I feel terrible (sort of) about my lack of willingness to help.
At about 7:30 a woman in the unit down the corridor from me started screaming blue murder and begging for someone to [expletive deleted] help her. (This has happened before, and is frightening to listen to). Her boyfriend was obviously doing something horrible; she kept screaming. She eventually got back inside her flat, and he was on the outside trying to kick the door in, while calling her all sorts of enraged obscenities.
About ten minutes of this uproar went by when a brave dude from elsewhere in the building came to see what was up. The angry guy said he’d been punched twice in the face and had his nutsack twisted by the [expletive deleted] psycho [obscene euphemism] of a woman. The yelling guy left, and peace descended. I am not sure if he ever actually laid a hand on her.
Where was I during all this? Inside my door, looking through the spy-hole to see which apartment it was so I could either call the cops and/or report them to the property managers so they could be evicted.
Thoughts that crossed my mind:
*I hope they kill each other. Idiots.
*I am not going to help a raving idiot if they swear at me and demand it. (She has also screamed in the foyer for anybody to “open the [expletive deleted] front door for her” because she was too dope-addled to remember her key. Nuts to that.
*I hope one or the other of them doesn’t start pounding on MY door
*the three women with little babies in the units surrounding mine must be thrilled
*If I call the cops, by the time they get here the idiots will have stopped fighting, I will have to sit around signing statements, and the idiots will find out who I am.
So much for philanthropy and altruism.
Interesting aside: I once had an abusive boyfriend. He only beat the crap out of me once; that was enough. The neighbours must have heard, but nobody came to help. However, I did not resent them for this. I felt embarrassed that they would now think, whenever they saw us, “that guy beats that woman, and she is too much of a loser to leave”. I was indeed a loser; I felt so badly about myself at the time that for some reason I needed violence from this turd to confirm my attitude. I suspect that this is common, and I will go so far as to say that women who are killed after a long history of living with a violent guy are secretly suicidal. Their suicidal ideations are not my fault, or my problem, and I am not going to put myself in harm’s way for their sake. If it was a kid being hurt, or someone being surprised by an unknown mugger, I’d like to think I’d step into the fray immediately. I hope to God I am never in such a situation.
Oh, and cops never arrived. A building full of people heard all of this; clearly not one phoned the police. I hazard a guess that they were all thinking similar things to myself. Vaguely sad, but somewhat unsurprising.
I have broke up several fights only with speech(treats to call the police), but I have never called the police. After one of my friends tried to get involved (pulled a guy off after he hit his GF)with a DV dispute and the police were called. The woman who, in this case, had started the violence (she said later) basic said my friend was the real aggressor so he the guy were held for questioning or something. They both got out within 24 hours and all, but I really don’t want their to ever be an instant were it is my word against some messed up couple. I guess you could say just never get involved physically, but if you want to rush in and save someone it always feels like to big a risk too me as a guy. I’ve never been arrested or charged with anything, not even a speeding ticket. So the idea of being held by the police…