Twilight Dildo: Is Merchandising Going Nuts?

picture of the vamp dildo twilight merchandise

Seems like every industry is jumping on the Twilight bandwagon.  The sex toy market is now offering “The Vamp,” a dildo that literally sparkles in the sunlight.  Salon recently spoke with Jon Condit, inventor of the, uh, Cullenesque cock, and it’s pretty interesting stuff.

On creating a “realistic” vampire penis:

The color was the biggest thing. It had to look like vampire skin.  It took me and the head of production two and a half months to get the color we were looking for. She has 10 other ones that are various shades that didn’t work. Way too pink, way too pale, it took a long time to make a pale flesh tone. The other problem was the sparkle: It had to sparkle in the sunlight. If it didn’t sparkle in the sunlight, the whole idea was dead. It was kind of poking fun but it’s also supposed to tie into the whole fantasy. The glitter on hand didn’t sparkle in the sunlight, so we had to have some ordered specially. We did have people write in and tell us that Edward was bigger than that.

Edward is bigger than that?  Wow, I must have missed the subliminal message in the book that he’s buying KYNGs or something.  And this, of course, begs the question of who is actually buying and, uh, using these products.

Here’s Condit on the audience for these Phat Phalluses.

It’s actually been a huge crossover hit for us. It was originally going to be a website exclusive, but sex shops all over the world started calling us up, wanting to put orders in. It became their top-selling toy. I don’t think that since “Sex and the City” talked about the Rabbit has a dildo been so mainstream. A lot of people buy it just because it’s vampire-inspired. I shared some ideas with another toy company called Fleshlight, and a couple months later they came out with their own vampire toys. There were plans to do a “True Blood” line as well. There were going to be two, one  called “the Nordic Warrior” and one called “the Southern Gentleman,” for Eric and Bill.

Perhaps the greatest controversy with regard to Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight books is the seemingly mixed message sent with regard to abstinence (this has been written about eloquently both here on Zelda Lily and on my personal blog).  Condit weighs in on this as well, explaining that “the majority of fans are just not concerned about that.  The whole thing is a fantasy; it makes sense to sort of have fun with it.”

There are, however, some other issues that have come up as a result of “The Vamp” that are not so easy for Condit to write off.  For example, lawyers representing Twilight were not super thrilled about it.

Originally, the ad copy on the website used all the book titles, like “in the twilight glow of the new moon … don’t let this deal pass into the breaking dawn,” something like that. We tried  to work it in for people searching for it without outright saying it was a “Twilight” dildo. If I got it close enough people could infer the rest. A month after I launched it, the lawyers sent a cease and desist order, wanting it taken off the website completely. Our lawyers told them they didn’t have a leg to stand on; we just had to take the book titles out of the ad copy.

Apparently, we got another request to edit the user reviews. The reviews are probably the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. People have the weirdest things to say about the Vamp. One person wanted  four of them to tie to their cats so they could have were-kitties. Some people [made] a fur cozy to make it a Jacob. We’re talking about making a werewolf paw.

I swear, that’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard.  Using dildos to make were-kitties?  I mean, I’m biting my tongue to keep from making pussy jokes here.  Guess I’d better move on to the other apparent legal issue …

From Salon:

UPDATE: CEO of Tantus, Michael Smith, responds: Jon Condit is no longer employed by Tantus, Inc. and does not speak for or represent our company. In fact, many of his statements are simply erroneous. The “Vamp” product was not designed with the Twilight series in mind; rather, the idea was to simply create a general vampire-themed toy and have our consumers use their imaginations to create their own specific fantasies. As such, Tantus has never targeted Twilight fans as the consumer base for the “Vamp,” and it never marketed it as a “crossover” product.

Wow, Michael Smith, I see where you’re coming from if there are any lawsuits heading your way, but come on, you just sound like an idiot here.  One needs only look at the ad for “The Vamp,” a retooled version from the one that dropped Meyerish vocabulary, which proudly announces “I sparkle.”  Okay, maybe Condit said too much in this interview if you’re trying to downplay the Twilight connection, but I mean, seriously!

Anyway, I think this is absolutely hysterical on a number of levels.  What do you think about this piece of ass Twilight merchandising?  Would you use a dildo intended to invoke Robert Pattinson with pale skin that sparkles in the sunlight?

Inquiring minds want to know!



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20 thoughts on “Twilight Dildo: Is Merchandising Going Nuts?

  1. I read about this a while back, and you’re actually able to put it in the freezer for that “authentic cold and dead feeling.”

    I hate Twilight so much…. it ruins EVERYTHING, even sex now. Urgh…

  2. I’m more disturbed by the fact that the Twilight fanbase is around 14 years old. What kind of gross person creates a sex toy with a 14 year old in mind? And why in God’s name would you go flinging a dildo around outside to see if it sparkled? Are people using them in their backyards or something? Twilight fans become more and more “special” everytime I hear something about them.

    • The general fanbase might be teenagers, but I know a hell of a lot of grown-ass women who are obsessed with it, as well. It might be marketed more towards the latter segment of the Twilight fan-base.

      • I knew someone was going to say something about that, I almost put something about the “older crowd”. Just b/c there are older people who like it, doesn’t mean it’s not meant for tweens. I happen to know a lot of adults who like cartoons, that doesn’t mean I should go making a Scooby-Doo vibrator or a SpongeBob butt plug. It’s just weird.

        • I see where you’re coming from (and, by the way, your comment about “flinging a dildo around outside to make it sparkle” made me LOL), and I do think that some teens will end up hearing about this and using it just because it’s Twilight-related. However, I don’t think it’s necessarily *meant* for teens, since it will be difficult for them to find out about it and purchase it, given that it is adult merchandise. Don’t get me wrong, I still think it’s totally weird and inappropriate, especially since the books are all about abstinence until marriage! Also, the sparkly vampire thing is the dumbest authorial invention EVER.

        • I think it’s silly to assume it’s meant for teens at all. I really don’t think the person who first thought of this was imagining that 14 year olds would be the target audience.

  3. I think it’s asinine that the publishers’ lawyers are going after the use of the words “Twilight” etc. That’s what happens when you name books after times of the day! It makes it a hell of a lot harder to prosecute copyright infringement. This is not exactly rocket science.

  4. This really creeps me out. Especially the sparkling. And the throwing it in the freezer. And now I can’t stop thinking about Robert Pattinson’s cock, which is way, way worse. Ugh.

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  7. the problem is, he cant get a boner… why?

    if he was a REAL vampire, he has no blood therefore nothing to make it hard!!!

    ahahahhaah

  8. Harry potter is the best But we can always read the books one more time and watch the movies over again. Hopefully JK will do what Stephanie Meyers is doing. Character studies in shorter novella format. There are so many things we dont’ know about Dumbledore, Snape, the Malfoy family, and many others. I hope that JK rowling will miss them enough to write a sequel to harry potter

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