Have you read or heard about “Single-Ish,” Glamour’s riveting daily dating blog? If not, you should check it out. Recently discussed was, “No More Blushing in Bed: 8 New Names For Sexy Stuff You Do Between the Sheets,” an article devised by writer John Ortved and gal pals.
The article breaks down standard barriers of communication in sex-speak, and puts things in layman’s (ha, no pun intended) terms. For example, regarding the rather commonplace phrase of “doggy style,” Ortved contends, “I’m a sophisticated gentleman and you are a pretty lady; dogs should not even come into [play].”
Uh … Why is it that certain men can be as crass as they want but still be considered “the man,” and yet these same men want women to act like young ladies? Like an episode of Sex and the City, the ever-insightful and astute publication Glamour has come up with “Names for Sexy Stuff We’d Rather Not Name.” Here we go:
“Eating Out” – New name: Treasure hunt(ing), or Scavenger Hunt (if he’s no good). For a friend, “eating out” summons images of “a pig at a trough.” My first problem right there: what’s wrong with pigs? Aren’t we all animals after all. And yeah, when you think about it—apt description. At least some time or another. But really, all anthropocentrism aside, “treasure” or “scavenger” hunting totally limits the possibilities of getting’ some good dome. But if the name encourages one to put their back into it, than by all means, scavenge I guess. WTF? Why doesn’t carpet-munching suffice?
“Come” – new name: ”finish,” with the suggested alternative of “go/went/gone.” But again, what’s wrong with “cum”? They didn’t even spell it right! “finish” and “go/went/gone” implies that something ultimately ends with cumming. Seems like Johnny’s projecting his lame sex life on the readership of Glamour … I kid, I kid, but this one is really stupid.
“Boner” – New name: It. It. IT. IT!?! That’s the best Glamour could come up with?! Phallocentric much? Also, in terms of the basic lead-up, what’s the guy supposed to say — and gasp! Guess what — sometimes sex doesn’t even involve “it.” (Side note: we’re not castrated!)
“Queef” – New name: Hippo Giggles. OK, yeah. Much of this article is premised on saying “something a little more mature” and “acceptable.” “Queef” is certainly not one of the most desirable words in the sack, but the Glamour girls charge that it is “just too despicable.” Okkk. So, opt to “Hippo Giggles.” The bizarre and infantile default to “hippo giggles” both frightens and repulses. It reminds me of Now and Then, something the really nerdy girl might have come up with when she was 10. And here I thought there was a problem with animal imagery?
“Doggy Style” – Our new name: Power Meeting. To be fair, apparently the brilliant masses on the internet voted for this one. Have you ever seen the movie The Network? This strangely reminds of that. I wouldn’t have much gripe with “power meeting” if it weren’t both appallingly lame and in the context of a hyper heteronormative piece, but hey. Everybody needs to call it something. And by “it,” I don’t mean “boner,” I mean “doggystyle.” Which is now a “power meeting.” Right.
“Anal Sex” – New name: Lady Macbeth (because she’s so pushy and potentially awful, but she’s a scene stealer, and for the some, the play would be nothing without her). Lady Macbeth is a badass. But hey, also, way to further stigmatize butt sex. Some people like it.
“Pubic Hair” – New Name: Love Feathers or Plumage. I actually kind of think “plumage” could better than the crudely put “pubic hair.” I can’t really think of how much I actually verbalize “pubic hair” when romping, though, to be quite honest.
“Lights On/Lights Off” – New name: Showtime/Mystery in Gotham. First of all, “lights On/lights Off” is one of the most basic, menial tasks when getting business done. There’s no need to make it figurative. But like, these are like the least creative substitutes ever! Mystery in Gotham? What are the chances that someone is actually going to get it? Oh, God and then being like, “what I’m trying to say is that I think it’s pretty dark in Gotham and we should emulate that ambiance in this room where we are having a Power Meeting and perhaps a surprise visit by Lady Macbeth? Of course, only if you can take the treasure hunt past the plumage, and just show it to me?” Give me a break.
Thanks John, the take away from this is to not date you, or any of the women who helped you out with this list of updated “sexy words.” Any words you guys would add to the list — or remove?