The most recent scandal involves pop star Ronan Keating, and his wife Yvonne. Although Ronan had a long-term emotional and sexual relationship with another woman, the two are still together. As we’re all aware, celebrity infidelity tends to illicit strong reactions from the public. In the most extreme case of infidelity, our good friend Cheetah Woods, everyone had something to say about it. In general, there is an overwhelming tendency for the general public to moralize. Whether it’s Hillary Clinton or Sandra Bullock, there seems to be public outcry as to what the wronged spouse — often the wife — should do.

Karen Williams, at Mail Online reflects on the “controversy”  in “Why I’m forgiving my husband for falling in love with another woman” explaining:

“I know some will think me weak, or in possession of very little self worth, for sticking by my husband – a man who has lied to me, betrayed me and broken our marriage vows.

But I am neither. Until faced with such a situation, let me tell you, it’s impossible to predict how you will react.”

Although I have never been married, my intuition is that Williams’ analysis is accurate. It’s true, we (the proverbial “we,” of course) feel very vindictive on behalf on wronged women. And we loOoOove to relentlessly punish those who are naughty. I believe, however, that uninformed speculation (which is basically everyone except the three people involved an affair) can often lose sight of what infidelity actually means in a developed and committed relationship.

In describing her husband’s affair and the aftermath, Williams bravely concedes:

“I had to face up to the fact that I haven’t been particularly supportive over the past two years in regard to his job dissatisfaction. And dealing with his resentment made me reassess our relationship. The other woman (late 40s, so no clichéd young starlet here) offered a sympathetic ear away from the ‘daily domestic daily grind’.”

Williams describes her husband’s affair not merely as a selfish, cynical man who turned away from his home and family; rather, she discusses how an affair forces a committed couple to seriously reassess their lives together and why a third party was brought forth—in both emotional and sexual capacities. Maggie Scarf, one of my absolute favorite writers on love, marriage, and intimacy, aptly describes:

“An affair may be thought of as an emotional distance-regulator. The presence of a third person in the marital system indicates that the couple is having trouble handling problems of separateness and closeness. According to the clinical psychologist Betsy Stone, it is generally the case that in a marriage in which one partner is having an outside relationship, the other partner has at least been fantasizing about becoming involved extra-maritally.”

This view implies that sometimes there is no real “innocent victim” and “vile offender,” and that who happens to go outside the marriage first has to do with matters of opportunity and timing. Both members of the couple are at least dreaming of other partners, because both are feeling profoundly alienated and disappointed.

In this sense, an affair is not something that happens to somebody; it is something that happens between two people. And often it is the weaker spouse who acts first; he or she makes a strengthening move by getting into a coalition with the extramarital partner. For this person, becoming involved in an outside relationship is an adaptive maneuver — a way of dealing with the problems in the relationship. The affair is a symptom of a global marital disturbance — it is not the disturbance itself.

[Side Note: I cannot rave about Maggie Scarf enough! The way she writes about family units, transgenerational patterns, and intimacy is, practically, very helpful. Check her out!]

Infidelity occurs way more than is expected, and some even consider it to be a bit more “normal” than others might. It’s clearly a timeless, transcending conflict. What do you folks think?

4 Responses to “Cheater Alert: Ronan Keating and Wife, Yvonne”

1. Erin says:

   June 19, 2010 at 10:35 am

   I’ve thought about how I could react if I was cheated on; honestly, I have no idea how I would react. I’m sure different things would go through my mind if it was a single emotional/sexual and long term affair with one woman as opposed to multiple one night stands with different women. I almost think my SO having another relationship, as opposed to a one night fling, would hurt more.

   Reply
2. Theresa says:

   June 19, 2010 at 12:29 pm

   Who are these people and why should I care about their lives? Do they create anything? Music? Art? Poetry? Literature? Do they keep society running in any significant way? Do they put out fires? Do they keep the streets clean? Do they teach children to read, write or do math?

   No? Fuck ‘em.

   Reply
3. Copa says:

   June 19, 2010 at 4:19 pm

   I’ve solidly kept my opinion that it’s none of my or the publics business when celebrities or athletes cheat.

   Reply
4. Kai says:

   June 19, 2010 at 7:50 pm

   I think that in SOME relationships that would definitely apply. But I think in some, one party really is just being a thoughtless jerk.
   I also feel that if a person feels they aren’t getting what they need from their spouse, they have the responsibility to bring up their concerns, and if necessary, demand counselling or even divorce.
   But if you choose any extra-marital action while you are still married, without the permission of the person to whom you are married, then you are cheating.
   Claiming that your partner shares responsibility for not meeting your needs is a weak cop-out.

   Reply