The LA Times published an article yesterday about how a contingent of women have developed an online community dedicated to blogging about being a good wife:
“There are bloggers like Kathi Browne, a forty-something mother of three in Maryville, Tenn., who stopped working in the corporate world after her third child was born and summarizes her philosophy at Wingspouse.com as an alternative to the traditional career choices some executive spouses are forced to make. Rather than requiring a choice between a career or family, the wingspouse career unites the two — creating a partnership between the executive and the spouse, and leading to mutual success.
A wingspouse can help analyze an executive’s ideas without fear of reprisals — or theft. A wingspouse might accompany his or her partner to a speaking event and help work the room — or simply stand back and read people to see if the message is getting across. Or provide comfort on the home front. “Another wingspouse shared her secret to making her husband feel settled sooner,” Browne blogged last December. “She hangs the same plaque in the front entrance of every home they move to.”A wingspouse can be a man or a woman, but Browne acknowledges that she believes she is writing primarily for women.
Kathi Brown’s idea is interesting because technically it could fall to either spouse, depending on who was working at the time, but some of the other bloggers were more concerned with wives wearing the right clothing, keeping the house up, and cooking.
“ … Taryn Cox, who isn’t afraid to put it all out there, unabashedly writing about stereotypically uxorial topics ranging from themed baby showers and creating her own cocktail-style dresses to the art of ironing a newspaper and how to clean with vodka at a blog she has titled taryncoxthewife.com. … Her blog, where the word ‘wife’ is written in capital letters, includes rules for domestic bliss (WIFE rule No. 17: ‘The perfect WIFE should shave her legs every day or every other day.’ WIFE rule No. 14: “The perfect WIFE should have the most beautiful and neat handwriting. This always comes in handy when writing Thank You notes, Addressing Cards, and Sharing Recipes”).”
I am a feminist who believes that a woman should be able to live her life in which ever way she pleases, whether that includes being a stay-at-home mom or working as a commercial truck driver. However, I am obviously against the notion that there should be ‘WIFE rules’ or that a husband should be absolved of all household tasks (such as writing his own thank you notes). Plus, we even haven’t gotten started on how women from a low socio-economic status does not get the option to stay home – she has to work to support her family – so what kind of message is that sending her when staying at home is so idealized?
“Not surprisingly, feminists are not amused by the notion that women’s roles in society are dictated in any way. “They want to live in this perfectly art-directed world,” says Michele Kort, senior editor at Ms. “It’s an illusion that if you have all the right clothes and right accessories that your life will be perfect. This is a throwback to stuff like [Marabel Morgan's 1974 self-help book] ‘The Total Woman’ … that a wife should be subservient and be all about making a man comfortable and having the perfect household … for the women of the ’50s, it wasn’t so happy-making.”
Are the 1950’s a time we want to romanticize? If so, is blogging about being a “good wife” the best way to do that? Thoughts?
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to be a good wife, just like men can want to be good husbands, but I do think that these bloggers/writers/preachers of being good wives are putting it out there like there’s one way to be a good spouse AND that you have to strive to be the PERFECT spouse. Both of which are ridiculous.
Putting my husband over myself is not the way in which I am the best wife, because if all I do is think about making him happy, I’d be so miserable that I’d kill him, because I would resent him.
Shaving my legs is not something that’s super important in my marriage. Maybe Taryn’s husband focuses on petty things like her smooth legs, but I hope for her sake that there are deeper things that make their marriage work than shaving. For me, the traditional roles of “I woman, I make house” and “You man, you make money” doesn’t work, I’m the primary income earner, and likely always will be, we share the domestic roles and we are, or try to be, equal; I resent people who try and tell me that that’s the wrong way to live.
I think the biggest problem in random people posting their tips on being great wives to the world, is that people are going to get the idea that there is a 1950s cooker cutter formula to make your life happy and shiny and perfect, and there absolutely isn’t.
I don’t really like the idea of rules for a “perfect wife” (or husband, if someone made rules for them). Nice handwriting? Well, I’m out. Mine looks like chicken scratch. Shave your legs every other day? What about every other 2 or 3 days? Shaving every other day irritates my skin.
As a SAHM and a feminist, I find the whole idea of being a “perfect” wife or mother insulting. Yes, i said it…insulting. While I am a wife and a mother, I am and have always been Melissa first and foremost. It takes a certain amount of sacrifice to be a parent and it definitely takes time and energy to make any relationship work (be it with your children, parents or partners). I’ll be damned if in trying to attain the ideal status, I lose that piece of me that I bring into everything I do.
Although the domestic responsibilities aren’t always split 50-50 around here (especially now, when he’s deployed), we always share in the upkeep of the house and caring for the kids. My husband cooks and cleans, I take out the trash and use power tools.
As for WIFE RULE 17: my husband has seen me give birth to our children (that’s babies coming out of my vagina) – do you really think a little leg stubble is a big deal after that?! Neither do I.
I hope I am teaching my children (my daughters especially) that their happiness and fulfillment is every bit as important as those around them. That you don’t have to be a martyr to be a good mother. And that you don’t have to be the “perfect wife” to have an amazing relationship with your husband.
I was kind of insulted as well. While I’m not married nor a SAHM, it’s infuriating that “the perfect wife” has no other identity other than the perfect wife. Clearly the perfect wife is just a cookie-cutter robot with smooth legs.
You want to be a WIFE, which is different from a wife, or spouse, or equal partner, go for it.
There are definitely ways (many do it) to divide labour in the family, so that one makes the money, and the other takes care of home and children, yet both are valued for their different skillsets and personality. If you find yourself fulfilled by having no identity, in order to fully better your husband’s, go for it. Heck – many women do that with their children.
Be glad that you get to do that as a choice, not an expectation, and be glad you’re in a financial situation to make it work.
Romanticizing any point in history, trying to convince yourself and others that it was absolutely perfect in every bloody way just drives me up a wall. You want to be a good spouse? great I’d hope you’d want to be fair/kind to someone you married but if your marriage goes to shit because you don’t dress a certain way, or you don’t iron his/her newspaper, or always have perfectly smooth lump free bodies your marriage is a sham anyway.
The whole idea of a wingspouse isn’t to be a good cook or housecleaner, but to be able to be seen as a valuable resource without having to earn a paycheck as a measuring stick. How many of us have college degrees and even PhDs and have been talked down to like we wasted a good degree. That’s no longer the case. Couples are starting to realize the value of working as a united force. I am not subservient to my husband, and I don’t apologize for not earning a paycheck. Our sole income is my husband’s paycheck and he will be the first to tell you I directly contribute. Isn’t this what we’re been fighting to achieve for decades?
I think more people are taking issue with Taryn Cox’s blog than with Wingspouse in general.
no. not fighting to achieve thanks for work. Fighting to achieve the ability to choose whatever sort of work desired – be it in the business world, or raising children, or whatever you want.
The freedom of opportunities is very different than just looking for a thank-you.
That’s what i meant, Kai. We should be able to choose to set our priorities without someone saying ours is the wrong choice.
So if *you* really just want to be your husband’s helper, that’s fine.
People get testy when ‘rules for being a WIFE’ are given, that it is assumed all women must follow. That’s no longer supportive of individual choices.
No-one here has a problem with you choosing to be domestic as long as you aren’t suggesting it’s right for everyone.
The Wingspouse website and the WIFE Rules websites are totally different things written by different women.
In fact, considering that the chick who wrote the WIFE rules website has no husband or children, I’m inclined to believe it’s a giant sarcastic joke.
Taryn Cox isn’t even married. I just perused her creepy blog. I’m not against this return to classical wifedom, or women embracing a family-focused lifestyle (hell, if I had the choice, I would stay at home. Our family depends on two incomes to just get by) but I prefer to get the stepford wife mantra coming from an actual…wife.
I think the notion that there’s a one size fits all pattern for being a perfect wife is ridiculous. I don’t cook every night, shave every other day or even iron shirts.
I’m perfect for my husband. If I was a WIFE my husband would wonder what happened to his wife.
Ugh, breeders.
no no! you can be a ‘wingspouse’ without even having children! your job is to prop up your husband – no breeding required! Well-behaved pretty children to show off is just an extra benefit.
This sums it up…
Womens Rights: Will the Real Enemy Please Stand Up hhttp://www.blogher.com/womens-rights-will-real-enemy-please-stand
That Taryn Cox woman really makes me want to beat her over the head with something. She thinks that getting married and having children is like playing house. I really want to see how much time she has to shave her legs and manicure her fingernails when her kid has somehow managed to get poop on that adorable little Marc Jacob’s bib, and how much she wants to put on a beautiful nightgown when the baby is just going to throw up on it anyway.
Just to clarify… a wingspouse has nothing to do with being domestic and I’m offended that anyone would assume not having a desk job means not having any skill set. Helpmate is also not synonymous with wingspouse.
A wingspouse is a spouse who is married to a professional who requires frequent moves, long hours, or whatever else prevents both partners from giving full commitment to a traditional career. A wingspouse merges her/his skills and training with the partner to have an edge. A wingspouse can be (and sometimes IS) the man.
I was the wingspouse for many years. Now my husband enjoys great success and flexibility. His flexibility (ie: portabiity and flexible hours) now allows him to be MY wingspouse. It truly is an equal partnership – something some people refuse to believe can occur. They are the ones living in the dark ages.
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But then I realized there was an important advantage: it was a place the kids not familiar with, and they did not know English very well.
I am a woman of 67 years old. I was a child in the 1950′s. I admired my next door neighbor’s mom who was a stay at home wife and mother, while my mine was always out and running about, leaving me at home to care for my younger brother and be is surrogate mom. This is a funny satirical website of which I can relate to in depth. She brings to mind many ideas and notions that while you might think they are over the top or not realistic, it is a true art blog of what it would be like to actualliy live your life like this. It is believeable, sarcastic, and in reality somewhat impossible to accomplish, however it is clever, and filled with good ideas. Lighten up younger generation… There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a good wife and mother, it is after all a job of the highest caliber, and one that most women don’t know how to do very well. Think about it… and when you want to hit someone over the head… how about making it yourself… duhhhhh.