You know, I genuinely don’t post these things because they irritate some kind of deep-seated man-rage in me, because frankly, I just don’t have it. I don’t get too terribly offended by these types of “lists,” because everything that goes on over at that site (and related sites) is so asinine that it’s actually pretty hard to take seriously, am I right?
I post these because they’re genuinely entertaining, and honestly, what’s life without a few good chucks?
Without further ado, AskMen.com’s “12 Golden Rules For Picking Up Women.” You’ll just love it, I promise.
1. Always Be Mentally Ready to Pick Up.
The author claims that he gets more than “half” of his pickups at random places like the supermarket, bank and hardware store. I know that “half” of none is, well … none, but let’s humor the dude, shall we? Personally, thought, I’m not going to be cool with some guy hitting on me at the bank. Hello, protection of personal information. If I see some guy leering at me while I’m completing financial transactions, I’m going to either think he’s a) a low-life degenerate looking to score some fast cash, or b) kind of mental. I’m glad that you’re “always ready” to pick up, but come on guys. Not all women, at all times, are willing to be “picked up.” Especially when they’re doing their day-to-day duties of grocery shopping, banking and clothes shopping.
2. Don’t Use Pick-Up Lines.
Wow. Did they actually get something right, here? Did someone finally come to the conclusion that “That dress looks good, but not as good as it would if it were crumpled on my bedroom floor in the morning” isn’t exactly the way to a (normal) woman’s heart? Criminy. Good thinking, guys. Color me impressed.
3. Don’t Fear Rejection.
Because evidently, a man with an arsenal of non-pick-up pick-up lines already anticipates getting into your pants. Come on. They read AskMen.com and take it as creed for a reason, don’t you know. There is no such thing as rejection to a man who’s “in the know,” and especially one who abides by every. single. bullshit “rule.”
4. Read Her Body Language.
Yes, lets. And while we’re at it, maybe we can pay attention to something other than the area ranging from her pelvis to her collarbone. Their tip? If she’s “smiling,” it’s “good.” That’s a winning piece of advice if I’ve ever heard it. You know, guys, people on high doses of Lithium or Thorazine smile a lot, too, but that doesn’t mean they’re willing to bump uglies with you too, you know.
5. Give Them the 15 Minute Test.
Because women, and their intentions, are clearly like frying fish. 15 minutes and you know whether or not the entree is going to suck. Great. The 15 Minute Test consists of finding pertinent clues as to whether or not a woman is up for casual sex. I know when I was in my early-twenties bar-hagging hey-days that 15 minutes was totally enough for me to decide whether or not to sleep with a random guy. Not.
6. Know When to Cut Your Losses.
Ah, the voice of reason. Almost. This particular tip closely follows tip #5 of giving your prospect the 15 Minute Test. If she’s not willing to bend (uh, literally) to your desires, give up on her. Clearly, if a woman isn’t willing to sleep with you after 15+ minutes of unabashed “charm,” she’s not worth it.
(Oh, and they state that attractive women are normally spoken for, so if they’re not attractive by mass standards, it’s obviously not worth it anyway.)
7. Use Negative Hits.
Because a woman totally responds to being insulted. Or gets turned on by even thinking that there might be an off-chance that you, King Player of the Game, might insinuate offense to a Good Looking Woman who may or may not be off-limits.
8. Don’t Lie.
Wow. The voice of reason. This tip speaks of being “honest” with your “intentions.” Those “intentions” are mostly known as having a “good, casual time” and there’s nothing more refreshing than a man stating (in the first fifteen minutes of meeting you) that all he wants is sex. Or “casual-ness.” Either way. Just fabulous.
9. Get a Good Wingman.
Because if all else fails and your apparent charm isn’t good enough, maybe your best friend can get laid out of the deal anyway, right?
10. Always Close the Day.
One of the recommendations of “closing the day” includes a line along the lines of, “What I want to do with you right now may be considered a criminal offense in public, so we’d better head elsewhere,” so it’s important for a woman to make sure it’s known that she’s into random sex with random strangers. Oh, and easy, too.
11. (My favorite.) Work on Many Leads Simultaneously.
And why? Because it’s “fun.” And you won’t get bored, either. It’s hard juggling that many hos in that many area codes, but it’s good, clean fun, naturally. Live it up, brah!
12. Think of Your Strengths in the Eyes of Your Prey.
And what’s hotter than being considered “prey” by your potential suitors? According to the resident player at AskMen.com, the best way to overcome all obstacles is to use your charm at its peak; whether or not you dig what a woman’s saying or doing, make it all about you. She’s sure to bend to your unrelenting animal magnetism. Each and every time.
Excuse me, now. I think I have to go shower and vomit up everything I’ve eaten today. Simultaneously. And what better a place?
Everything washes down the drain sometime or another.