Here We Go With the Crap Again: “12 Golden Rules For Picking Up Women”

photo of girl drunk and passed out holding a beer

You know, I genuinely don’t post these things because they irritate some kind of deep-seated man-rage in me, because frankly, I just don’t have it. I don’t get too terribly offended by these types of “lists,” because everything that goes on over at that site (and related sites) is so asinine that it’s actually pretty hard to take seriously, am I right?

I post these because they’re genuinely entertaining, and honestly, what’s life without a few good chucks?


Without further ado,’s “12 Golden Rules For Picking Up Women.”  You’ll just love it, I promise.

1. Always Be Mentally Ready to Pick Up.
The author claims that he gets more than “half” of his pickups at random places like the supermarket, bank and hardware store. I know that “half” of none is, well … none, but let’s humor the dude, shall we?  Personally, thought, I’m not going to be cool with some guy hitting on me at the bank. Hello, protection of personal information. If I see some guy leering at me while I’m completing financial transactions, I’m going to either think he’s a) a low-life degenerate looking to score some fast cash, or b) kind of mental. I’m glad that you’re “always ready” to pick up, but come on guys. Not all women, at all times, are willing to be “picked up.”  Especially when they’re doing their day-to-day duties of grocery shopping, banking and clothes shopping.

2. Don’t Use Pick-Up Lines.
Wow. Did they actually get something right, here? Did someone finally come to the conclusion that “That dress looks good, but not as good as it would if it were crumpled on my bedroom floor in the morning” isn’t exactly the way to a (normal) woman’s heart? Criminy. Good thinking, guys. Color me impressed.

3. Don’t Fear Rejection.
Because evidently, a man with an arsenal of non-pick-up pick-up lines already anticipates getting into your pants. Come on. They read and take it as creed for a reason, don’t you know. There is no such thing as rejection to a man who’s “in the know,” and especially one who abides by every. single. bullshit “rule.”

4. Read Her Body Language.
Yes, lets. And while we’re at it, maybe we can pay attention to something other than the area ranging from her pelvis to her collarbone. Their tip? If she’s “smiling,” it’s “good.” That’s a winning piece of advice if I’ve ever heard it. You know, guys, people on high doses of Lithium or Thorazine smile a lot, too, but that doesn’t mean they’re willing to bump uglies with you too, you know.

5. Give Them the 15 Minute Test.
Because women, and their intentions, are clearly like frying fish. 15 minutes and you know whether or not the entree is going to suck. Great. The 15 Minute Test consists of finding pertinent clues as to whether or not a woman is up for casual sex. I know when I was in my early-twenties bar-hagging hey-days that 15 minutes was totally enough for me to decide whether or not to sleep with a random guy. Not.

6. Know When to Cut Your Losses.
Ah, the voice of reason. Almost.  This particular tip closely follows tip #5 of giving your prospect the 15 Minute Test. If she’s not willing to bend (uh, literally) to your desires, give up on her. Clearly, if a woman isn’t willing to sleep with you after 15+ minutes of unabashed “charm,” she’s not worth it.
(Oh, and they state that attractive women are normally spoken for, so if they’re not attractive by mass standards, it’s obviously not worth it anyway.)

7. Use Negative Hits.
Because a woman totally responds to being insulted. Or gets turned on by even thinking that there might be an off-chance that you, King Player of the Game, might insinuate offense to a Good Looking Woman who may or may not be off-limits.

8. Don’t Lie.
Wow. The voice of reason. This tip speaks of being “honest” with your “intentions.” Those “intentions” are mostly known as having a “good, casual time” and there’s nothing more refreshing than a man stating (in the first fifteen minutes of meeting you) that all he wants is sex. Or “casual-ness.” Either way. Just fabulous.

9. Get a Good Wingman.
Because if all else fails and your apparent charm isn’t good enough, maybe your best friend can get laid out of the deal anyway, right?

10. Always Close the Day.
One of the recommendations of “closing the day” includes a line along the lines of, “What I want to do with you right now may be considered a criminal offense in public, so we’d better head elsewhere,” so it’s important for a woman to make sure it’s known that she’s into random sex with random strangers. Oh, and easy, too.

11. (My favorite.) Work on Many Leads Simultaneously.
And why? Because it’s “fun.” And you won’t get bored, either. It’s hard juggling that many hos in that many area codes, but it’s good, clean fun, naturally. Live it up, brah!

12. Think of Your Strengths in the Eyes of Your Prey.
And what’s hotter than being considered “prey” by your potential suitors? According to the resident player at, the best way to overcome all obstacles is to use your charm at its peak; whether or not you dig what a woman’s saying or doing, make it all about you. She’s sure to bend to your unrelenting animal magnetism. Each and every time.

Excuse me, now. I think I have to go shower and vomit up everything I’ve eaten today. Simultaneously. And what better a place?

Everything washes down the drain sometime or another.

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29 thoughts on “Here We Go With the Crap Again: “12 Golden Rules For Picking Up Women”

    • It’s kind of funny, you saying this because I was just talking to my friend , Philip. He’s worth eleventy gazillion or so (I have no idea what the exact amount is, nor would I ever be crass enough to ask).

      He stated that he has very few real friends and that his life has been ruled by suspicion because of his money. He inherited in his 30′s and every new friend he has had to wonder if it is because of the money.

  1. I think women who get mad at “tips” like these do so because they realise that they have all worked on her at one time or another. Who likes knowing there is a checklist for getting them on there backs? I mean why would somebody who this doesn’t work on even care? The all lists bring up the fact that if she doesn’t seem interested just move on, so if the woman is one on of the “move on’s” this stuff means nothing to her. I think the term is “the lady doth protest to much”. I know stuff like this has worked for me, certainly not all the time, maybe like 15% of the time. But that is enough to make writing it down worthwile.

    • None of this has ever worked on me. I’ve decided within 35 seconds of laying eyes on a man if I’ll ever sleep with him. From that point on he has to keep me entertained or he loses the “maybe” he was clinging to.
      None of that was entertaining.

      • Alzaetia,you’ve never met a man that wasn’t appealing till after you gotten to know him,its happened to me with women?

        • Women decide wether they are interested within 60 seconds, a experienced man can determine her decision with 15 minutes. A men have a sliding scale, based on many factors, her personality, looks, how drunk and/or horny he is ect.

        • I have really sharply honed instincts. It’s not that I’m opposed to changing my mind, I’ve just never been wrong…

  2. It almost makes me wonder if these are written by those select douchebags who somehow manage to get laid regularly for no discernible reason. Those kinds of people make me so irate…

    • The reason is easy to discern – they choose their targets well. They know which girls will go for their thing.
      And there absolutely are women out there for whom these guidelines would work perfectly. They’re likely to be scarce in a community as found here, but they are definitely out there.

      • That’s what I was thinking. I silently curse those women every time a polite “no, thank you” fails to get the point across and, even worse, when it invites the “negative hits.”

      • “Scarce” right, whatever you want to tell yourself. Nah, I am just kidding. You are no doubt special, not like those other women at all. Mind if I buy you a drink? (smiles and makes eye contact)

        • There are all kinds of women out there, and not all work by the same ploys.
          The average woman who likes to be picked up in bars for casual sex only overlaps so much with the average woman who hangs around on feminist websites.

          Personally, I spend very little time in bars, and if I do go, it’s only with enough friends that we can have fun while insulated from the rest of the residents.
          I don’t drink, so no thanks on the proffered one. I also would never accept a drink from someone else. If I wanted it, I’d get it. I’m one of those equalistic types.

          I don’t do casual sex – or casual dating, actually. If you smile and make eye contact, and have anything interesting to say, I might talk to you, but you’d be interviewing solely for a position as ‘friend’. I would only consider you dating material if I already knew you really well, for an extended period of time, and things seemed to be moving to the point where I could imagine a serious relationship. Otherwise, I’d rather just be friends.

          And more specifically, I’m engaged, and definitely have no interest in the drink or the offer.

          So yeah, special, not so much. Different? A bit.

        • ‘negs’, for example, work great on women who are insecure, and seek validation from others.
          That accounts for a lot of women, but far from all.

  3. Snark all you like, but these sorts of fellas actually DO get a lot of play. Don’t blame them, blame the women who lap it up.

    Oh also

    9. Get a Good Wingman.
    Because if all else fails and your apparent charm isn’t good enough, maybe your best friend can get laid out of the deal anyway, right?

    It’s not the wingman’s job to get laid. It’s the wingman’s job to get YOU laid.

  4. @Joey
    You want quality women, go to classes. Art, music, hell basketweaving. Any skank can drink, quality women try to improve themselves, and they are usually single. :) At the very least you learn something.

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  8. To be honest, I’m a guy, and I get pissed off with Askmen. They push the same generic rubbish, homogenising men. Asking both men and women to be of a certain type, to go so excruciatingly ridiculous with conforming with social constructs. It looks like it tailored to the American audience, which I find juvenile in culture as it is.

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