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“I wonder,” wrote psychologist Helen Smith in a recent (contrarian) blog post, ”does porn distort men’s attitudes as much as romance novels and Lifetime TV distort women’s?”
She was responding to a story in the National Review Online about pornography ruining families, which begins like this:
Imagine a drug so powerful it can destroy a family simply by distorting a man’s perception of his wife.
The anonymous author of the article alleges that her husband of 13 years left her for a busty blonde because “he succumbed to the allure of a secret fantasy life he had been indulging since his adolescence.” The author, left to care for their five children, thinks porn will “render an entire generation incapable of forming lasting marriages.”
Smith bit back via blog, questioning whose fantasy life really put marriages at greater risk. Broadsheet paraphrases:
Smith raises the question of whether “control over porn” is “really about control over men’s sexuality.” She goes on to say: “I think there are many reasons that marriages are not working out, but porn seems to be the least of the problems. And I wonder — does porn distort men’s attitudes as much as romance novels and Lifetime TV distort women’s?” …
Essentially, Smith is asking whose vice is more unrealistic and harmful to real-life relationships.
So what do you think, lilies? Does she have a point? Just because (and I generalize) heterosexual male fantasies are more widely represented in media, does that mean straight ladies shouldn’t admit to being deluded by their (general) book-and-TV fantasies?
Women certainly seem more willing to transform themselves — in dangerous and unhealthy ways — into the stereotypical male fantasy; dudes aren’t exactly returning the favor. (Where is my dashing pirate, dammit?!) (Ha.) But whose fault is that, really?
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Romantic novels paint a wholly realistic portrait of love. Twilight taught me that it is highly desirable to fall for a vampire and my hubby is the spitting image of Spike from Buffy and our marriage is working out just fine. So there.
Seriously though, I don’t think they really compare. I’ve read a few romance novels in my time; we stayed with my grandparents for several months after my dad died and those were the only books in the house. Even as an 8 year old I could see that they were wholly unrealistic and bore no comparison to the couples I saw in real life. On the other hand, if I’d seen porn I quite possibly would have assumed that it was a realistic portrayal because it wasn’t like I had real life to compare it to. Even now it’s not like I have many points of comparisons, it’s not like I’m peeking in bedroom windows. Bottom line, I think it would be easier to assume that porn is realistic than it is to assume that romance novels are.
You don’t watch much porn, do you? Porn & romance novels are equally realistic, unless you often get picked up by a stranger in a van & shrug then proceed with oral, or spend a lot of time inviting various servicemen over for raucous affairs…?
Have you been stalking me?
I really just meant the sex part. Most of the pick up situations are just totally ridiculous and it’s unlikely that you’ll wind up with 3 women in bed with you but there are plenty of guys out there picking up tips and expecting women to do things they see in porn movies. If you’re watching porn and there are certain things that are repeated over and over in various different movies then you can start to think that that happens in most real life encounters too.
HA HA HA HA!
I get what you’re saying, but I don’t think romance novel sex is any better for tips than porno sex!
You mean that the wind doesn’t gather up my hair as the scene shifts tastefully away after a heated and sweaty embrace?
Huh…
You mean there’s no need for an “after-towel?” !!!
It’s a really interesting question, actually. I think a lot of women delude themselves into thinking that a ripped, super-amazing Prince Charming is the only option and that any man who is “lesser” is unworthy of her attention. I’m not sure if romance novels do the same thing to people’s perceptions of others that porn does (I have little to no experience in either), but I can see how the comparison kind of makes sense.
………Thank goodness this is a total non-issue in my life. I don’t read steamy romance novels (just novels with romance in them–there’s a difference), and my fiance doesn’t watch/look at porn. Makes life a lot simpler, I guess.
i have been reading romance novels since i was 11 (11 years ago). i have been watching porn on and off for almost the same amount of time. and yet, i wouldn’t say my perception of love or sex is skewed. because, well, i’m intelligent. i *know* what is fiction and what is not. would i like my future partner to be as awesome as some of the more out-there romance heroes? of course. but more and more romances feature more realistic scenarios, with guys that are anything but perfect. maybe you guys haven’t read them, but they do exist. romance novels nowadays have heroines who sleep around, and heroes who are virgins just as often as the reverse, and many contemporaries are completely believable stories of completely believable relationships, flaws and all.
and you know what? people often admire that i understand others so well, that i give good relationship advice, etc. i’ve learned a lot of that from my novels. but again, i know what’s bull and what’s not. i know that not everyone should sleep with their childhood best friend, and i know that not everyone gets an orgasm the first time they have sex. same goes for porn. i enjoy it cuz it turns me on, but i am smart enough to tell that very few of the things portrayed are actually fun or possible or likely to happen.
so, basically, what i’m saying is, you can’t blame something like porn or romance for someone’s beliefs. they’ll only “delude” you if you let them, but i feel like the majority of people are smart enough to tell the gloss from the truth.
sorry if this is insanely long and rambling, i’ve had a very long and emotional day…
[...] Porn Critics, Take A Look In The Mirror – Zelda Lily [...]
If you’re mentally healthy, neither porn nor romance novels can skew your vision of reality. I speak as a consumer of both–and am also in a long-term relationship with a man who is unabashed about his love of porn. For us, it works.
Modern romance novels run the gamut from the mullet-sporting, heavily-tanned man-titty-having, asshole/alpha-male old school romances to sweet Amish tales of Christianity. Romance novels have taught me a lot about how men and women can interact. Porn runs the gamut from full-on human Barbie dolls schtupping to enthusiastic amateurs sharing their excitement. Porn has taught me there are a lot of different bodies out that and that most are attractive in some way.
Porn and romance are broad categories, and to demonize one or the other on the basis of limited examples is a fallacious chain of reason. Here’s something, you don’t like it? Don’t look at it. But respect my right to enjoy it as much as, or as little as, I want to. And I promise to uphold your right to dislike it.
“If you’re mentally healthy, neither porn nor romance novels can skew your vision of reality”
I would edit this to include ‘and vaguely intelligent’. There are many people out there that have no mental *health* problems at all – they’re just not that bright. And stupidity answers a lot of things too.
I totally agree with both of you… If you’re remotely intelligent and have a sense of what is real and not, then there shouldn’t be a problem… My boyfriend and I both watch occasionally, and neither have skewed expectations. It’s fairly easy to see that it’s theatrical.
I can see how porn could be more influencing on a young boy’s perceptions, though.
Romance novels… are just silly.
I think romantic comedies are the worst example of this. Sure, no-one expects classic ‘bodice-rippers’ to be realistic.
And I think few (vaguely intelligent) men see pornography as a realistic representation of women. Men do not actually expect women to open the door to the delivery man in their lingerie and announce their loneliness.
But far too many women really do see romantic comedies as representative of real life, and expect men to behave as they see in these movies, sitcoms, and other stories. And then they are disappointed and betrayed when men don’t.
Yes, people are capable of delusion from many sources.
Maybe it’s not romance novels that are to blame but a lot of women do have fairly high expectations in what they want in a man.
It goes both ways, men and women have a picture of an ideal partner and more often then not you’re not going to find that person. I don’t think you can really blame one thing for that though, it’s just as silly to put the blame on porn as it is to blame romance novels.
Oh no, I put the blame on stupid people. but if we’re going to start talking about what things influence said stupid people, then I’ll bring up the other examples.
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