Sick of Hearing About Unhappy Wives? Me Too.

Call me the eternal optimist, but my marriage with my husband is a walk in the park and is constantly being viewed — by the two of us — through rose-colored glasses.  While I’m aware that not everyone in today’s society is lucky enough or devoted enough to their marriages to be as happy as we are, I remain thankful that my particular set of circumstances are what they are: deliriously happy.

Fawn Weaver, proprietor of website agrees and raises me one.  Weaver was sick and tired of marriage being stigmatized into the old ball-and-chain stereotype — whether the male or female was the ball — and looked into her own marriage to find out what it was that was so “abnormal” in today’s society.  Her take on it?  People — whether it’s co-workers in the office or shows like The Real Housewives of wherever the fuck — glamorize being unhappy.  It gives them something to talk about.  You all know the type: they’re totally unhappy and off-kilter unless they have something to complain about.  It drives the ever-loving hell out of me, too.  I’ve defriended people on Facebook for such actions — and yes, I take it that seriously.

Weaver claims that the only guideline to participating in her forums is to “do nothing but say positive things.”  Although some people might consider this a detriment to feminism as a whole, Weaver herself is no stay-at-home nag that watches sappy movies all day long and cooks and cleans only to ensure her husband’s happiness, no matter how fleeting.  Weaver is an executive at a hotel chain and claims to maintain a stringent work ethic along with balancing her home “duties.”

I love Weaver’s idea.  While there are probably just as many unhappy women in relationships as there are in happy ones, I think it’s a good thing to concentrate on the good because it’s just as easy to fall into the pessimistic, negative pit that love just isn’t what it used to be. Congratulations you wonderfully-positive women, you, and may your upbeat, can-do attitude transcend into every facet of your lives.

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35 thoughts on “Sick of Hearing About Unhappy Wives? Me Too.

  1. Woohoo! I am so glad to hear about something like this. I hate the “ball and chain” stereotype, as does my husband, because we both consider our lives to have become much better since we found each other. And yes, we’ve had hard times, and yes, there are sometimes things to complain about, but focusing on the positive instead of the negative actually DOES make people happier, in my opinion. Funny story – apparently at Kris’ (that’s my husband) work a lot of the guys will gather around at break times and complain about their wives, but every time they say something like “That’s what happens when you get married,” they add, “except for Kris and his stupid perfect marriage.” What’s odd about the whole thing is that it’s really easy to make a marriage good – be kind to each other, keep things sexy, have a sense of humor, compromise, be respectful even when you’re angry, consider your significant others’ feelings as much as your own…okay, so it doesn’t sound easy, but it’s really not that difficult! Even if you don’t feel like doing something nice or sexy, if you do it anyway you will find that the feeling follows. I just wonder why these husbands and wives are harping on each other so much instead of enjoying the love and companionship they have. And by the way, before someone accuses me of being a newlywed, my husband and I have been together for nine years.

    • “apparently at Kris’ (that’s my husband) work a lot of the guys will gather around at break times and complain about their wives, but every time they say something like “That’s what happens when you get married,” they add, “except for Kris and his stupid perfect marriage.” ”

      LOL! People say things like that about me and my fiance too. They always say things like “Stop being so damn happy and in love!”

  2. Honestly, I never take my relationship for granted because I am so lucky, so blessed, and so happy in it. While I know that bad and unhappy relationships are fairly common, it’s so nice to actually hear about the good ones, because it seems like we just don’t hear about those as often!

  3. I love being married.

    A lot of people who complain about their relationships have either never had a really bad one, or have unrealistic expectations of what a relationship is. I have friends who complain their way through serial monogamy because at the end of the day they are unwilling to compromise.

    Its a marriage. If it were all sunshine, lollipops and sequins it would be called a drag show.

  4. I can’t be done with people who are miserable all the time. That being said, I question the usefulness of a website where you’re only allowed to be happy all the time. What’s the point in making friends if you can’t depend on them when you have reason to not be happy? I post on a housewife’s forum and while we are all happily married and enjoying our work we do occasionally have stuff to complain about. When we have a neighbor issue or one of our kids is sick or whatever we need a shoulder to cry on.

    If you’re genuinely unhappy about something then vent. If you’re genuinely happy then smile and bounce around. My group of happy housewives are positive 95% of the time and the 5% of the time that we’re feeling down we have each other to lean on. Nobody is happy all the time and nobody is miserable all the time.

    • As someone who’s dog had to be put down last night, I completely agree, being happy most of the time is good but being happy with something/one 100% of the time is simply unrealistic and if you can’t lean on anyone ever to vent what is the point of making these shallow sounding relationships.

      • I don’t think that’s the point of this article (or the website it’s based on). It doesn’t seem to me that anyone’s saying that you have to be happy 100% of the time, because, as you said, that’s just unrealistic. I would absolutely describe myself as a happy wife, but that doesn’t mean I’m never sad or upset about something, especially when I have good reason to be. I think the point is to fight against the societal depiction of marriage as generally miserable, and in order to do so we are saying that we are generally happy.

        • If it were a blog like “it made my day” then saying nothing but positive things would be realistic. A forum implies a certain amount of interaction and growth of relationships. I’ve made some really good friends online but that never would have happened if I’d met them on a forum where everything had to be sunshine and daisies all the time.

        • I agree with you that it’s not really a useful site where women can really talk to each other (and that that’s kind of a shame), but I still appreciate the point that the founder of the site is trying to make.

      • Hugs to you Copa. It’s hard to lose someone you’re close to. I just found out that one of my favorite teachers from high school died a few days ago and although I haven’t seen him in many years it still hurts to know that he’s not there helping the current crop of students the way he helped me.

  5. Sorry, need a place to rant. Has nothing to do with happy marriages (or unhappy ones). If you’re in one (a happy one, I mean), good for you! Positive is good!

    Anyways, need to do some ranting. Just went throu an online discussion in quota, and discrimination of women on management position and all that. A German company just decided to introduce a quota. Now, I’m not pro-quota. Don’t believe it helps us that much. But some of the shit that people were writing there is just UNBELIEVABLE.

    E.g.: On why women don’t want to be technitians: “As a female technitian, one would have to produce a controllable and measurable contribution to the added value. How would that ever work??”

    Or: “Women are completly over-emancipated, if at all, then there has to be emancipation for men now. And what is the next after a quota for women? One for handicaped people? One for foreigners? One for old people? Then we’ll be able to see, how the competence of German managers will disappear. There’s a good reason that women are under-represented in manager positions. If more women had the same competence and integrety as the current male managers, then they would be managers. Women just aren’t men, just because the ‘dare’ to work in traditionally male jobs. Nobody will ever get the idea to introduce quotas for kindergartens and hospitals. And why should they?”

    Or (on the company that wants to introduce the quota):
    “Well, let them do it. Women always managed to destroy everything.”

    Or, a reason why women don’t want to be managers:
    “Why trouble yourself with a 60-hour week, bullying and bournout, if you can have a well-trained partner? One you can nag, because he’s never home?”

    Or: “Why should women want a carreer? They would have to work so much that they won’t be able to have children. Carree AND children are impossible. Already in normal jobs women barely have time to say good night to their kids. If every highly educated woman suddenly wants a carreer, then we soon won’t have any children.”

    And so on. It’s so depressing. When I read things like that, then I’m happy I moved away.

    Sorry, long post. Not relevent to the article. Just had to share.

  6. I hate that stereotype where men can’t be happy in marriages or committed relationships. It’s been so ingrained into society (or at least, subliminally into my brain) that men hate the idea of marriage that I’m always surprised that my bf is so totally supportive of it.

      • I know, right? We’ll talk about when we’ll probably get engaged and that we’d like to get married after I graduate in a couple o’ years and it never bothers him. Maybe I’m just lucky. Maybe guys who get married when they aren’t ready just shouldn’t get married, and maybe women shouldn’t push their guys to do it when they aren’t ready. (yes, I’m stereotyping a tad)

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  8. Oh, this is so refreshing. It’s also strangely on point for some things I’ve been thinking about lately.

    I absolutely detest the stigma of marriage (that se.x goes out the window, the man gets his balls removed and placed in a jar on the wife’s bedside table, etc.). I’m recently engaged, and as blissfully happy as my fiance and I are, he still feels the need to sigh or give me a jokingly strange look whenever I mention being married, or him being my future husband. It seeeeeeeriously pisses me off. I’ve been quite direct with him and said, “It really annoys me and makes me feel bad when I mention getting married and you react that way,” and he apologizes, and always says, “you know I’m just kidding,” which I do know, but that’s not the issue.

    The issue is that we’re in love, have an incredibly awesome relationship, both recognize that we want to spend the rest of our lives together, and have a family, blah blah blah, yet he still feels the need to talk about marriage in the “ball and chain” terms. It’s like he thinks that, since he’s a man, he automatically has to have this predisposition that marriage is a “bad thing.” It makes me feel totally shitty, too. I don’t get it.

    I get so pissed whenever he does this. I’m like, “You KNOW I’m not going to turn into some overbearing, insane WIFE MONSTER once we get married, please quit acting like I am.” Am I alone here? 90% of me realizes he’s just joking and that I know he wants to marry me, but the other 10% wants him to leap across the world telling people how lucky he is that he gets to marry the love of his life.

    Don’t get me wrong, he’s a guy, I’m aware, but c’mon. I’m sorry for the long post, but this just hit a nerve today. Am I being unreasonable here? (and for the record, I know I should probably be telling HIM this, but he’s in a meeting and I want to blurt it all out now. :)

    • Unreasonable? Not at all. And I can totally see why it would drive you insane because that would totally be my reaction as well. Urgh.

    • It would drive me nuts to have someone start acting like I was a burden hanging around their neck whenever an upcoming marriage was even briefly mentioned. Vent away!

      • Oh, and the “but I’m just kidding” thing? Yeah, I realize you’re kidding, I just don’t care. I don’t want to hear it either way.

        My bf does the just kidding thing a lot, just not about engagement/marriage. Sometimes, yes it’s funny. Most of the time I think it would be in our best interests to suffocate him with his pillow while he sleeps. :D

  9. I read this article in the LA Times the other week. My initial reaction was mixed, and it still is. While I completely understand the notion of wanting to promote marriage as a happy, healthy union instead of a ridiculously vapid and self-centered pastime it seems to be portrayed at in the media, I found Weaver’s “advice” a bit of a turn off. Reading the entire article, I realized also that she is lucky enough to live a life that most married couples don’t; she’s childless at the moment, has a career she enjoys and they are financially solvent home-owners.

    Now, before I criticize, I’m a happily married woman (10 years last week! Woo hoo!) My husband is a truly great man. He doesn’t have any hangups or ego freakouts going on. He’s simply one of those great, great men who has nothing to prove to anyone in the manly department and doesn’t act like a jerk because he’s insecure about anything. He’s just a nice person. That, among other things, makes him a wonderful husband. It also makes him one hell of a lot easier to be happily married to than maybe some other types of men.

    I can honestly say that in ten years of marriage, 14 years of knowing each other, we’ve only ever had a handful of fights, all of which were civil and resolved before we went to bed. None of them involved my having to nag, nor to soothe his ego by saying only positive things as Weaver suggests.

    Everyone has their own secret to happiness and a happy marriage is no exception.

    Mine is twofold: 1) Marry someone you love unconditionally 2) Make sure said partner isn’t a jerk who needs a woman to massage his ego and thinks you’re THERE for him in the marriage as opposed to being WITH you in the marriage.

    It’s a partnership, not a lifelong opportunity to make a man feel good about himself by pretending everything is perfect every minute of the day.

    Is it possible to be in love a decade after marriage? YES. I still get butterflies when he walks into a room. Do I have to join a club in support of this lucky and happy state I’m in? Ehn, not so much.

  10. And we have to make sure that men get that final fix of freedom before being tied down to a nagging frigid bitch like us by telling them we’re OK with strippers etc at their bucks nights.

    Now there’s a sign of infalliable commitment.

    Heeeey it’s tradition!… yeah… right…

    I’m sorry. I sure there must be some women out there who actually don’t care about this sort of s**t. But I do. If you’re about to marry me what the f**k are you doing looking at some other woman doing things to her pu**y?

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