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I have to say, despite the fact that I am a woman, a lot of women spend entirely too much time pissing and moaning about things that suck, things that don’t suck and things that they think suck, but really don’t and are just looking for things to piss and moan about in conjunction with the fact that they’re irritated that they can’t find anything valid to piss and moan about.
Ahem.
Science Daily has debunked a very serious myth. A serious myth that I’m sure all of you women in a committed, male-female relationship have come across in your partnerships. You know, that whole thing where a man is too helpful and it knocks your ego down a few notches.
Research on the topic concludes that a father who has a large involvement with the couple’s children is often a competent, loving and willing caregiver and in most cases, the female in the relationship — wife, mother, what have you — feels inadequate because of this fact. Head researcher, Takayuki Sasaki has an explanation for this:
“In American society, women are expected to take a main role in parenting despite increasingly egalitarian sex roles. Thus, we believe that employed mothers suffer from self-competence losses when their husbands are involved and skillful because those mothers may consider that it is a failure to fulfill cultural expectations … Husbands do not suffer from self-competence losses even when their wives are involved and skillful because that is consistent with cultural expectations.”
Yes, because there’s nothing less appealing than a man who does his share around the house and with the kids. Come on. Are there people who really, really feel like this? Honestly.
FYL.
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I think this is bull. I will be 27 by the time I can even start to practice law, and I do want to have an actual career. This career would take place during my prime baby-making years. I would LOVE to have a stay at home husband or part time working husband who can take care of the kids. I would never feel guilty about it either.
People need to face the fact that this is going to be a normal scenario – more women than men are graduating from college, and more women than men are being accepted into medical programs and law degree programs. I believe they’re almost equal in MBA programs as well. Obviously this means many more families are going to have a female breadwinner.
I can say after many years of watching other people that the majority of women I know IRL are control freaks when it comes to their kids. It’s a power trip.
I cannot tell you the number of women I’ve heard complain, whine and rip their husbands apart for taking care of the kids “wrong”. In their minds “wrong” means blue hair bows with a pink dress or letting the kids eat PB&J for lunch two days in a row.
Seriously I once heard a woman scream at her husband (at church) for bringing their son with the wrong dress pants on. Apparently there is a penalty just short of death for dressing a 3 yr old in dark blue pants instead of black. The pants fit and where clean she simply wanted all her boys in the same color because that’s how she liked it.
Most men I know IRL are great dads and want to get in there, get dirty and be active in their kids lives. The moms on the other hand stand there clucking the tongues, rolling their eyes and correcting every imagined misdeed. No wonder the guys give up grab a beer and turn the TV up louder.
Ugh. That sounds terrible. It’s unfortunately true, though. Some women get their “power” through controlling the hell out of their children and spouses.
I think you’re right. Some mums think that they’re the only ones, who really know what is right. I think that this sometimes (def. not always!) is a reason for some dads to distance themselves and focus on their job. Because there people trust in their skills and let them do their thing. Probably also has to do with the general expectation that the woman has to have some special instincts – which men don’t have.
But not all people are like that. My brother and his wife are a great team. He’s the one with the carreer but still takes days off when possible, when one of the little ones is sick, and makes it a point to to bring them to bed (including bathing, brushing teeth, dressing and all that). And she trusts him and lets him do it his way. My sis and her partner are the same (here both of them have high-paying carreer jobs). So it’s possible.
Jesus how I want a Danish / German husband.
Haha, I know several other nationalities that are “hunting” Danish husbands :). But yeah, my brother and my sister’s partner (both German) aren’t bad either :). But if you want to have a carreer and kids then you should aim for living in Scandinavia. Definately the best infrastructure for that :P.
Scandinavian languages are hard for us poor Romance-language speakers. I’ll stick to British men, I’m practically a Brit now myself so it should be good.
Danish is the toughest of the Scandinavian languages (well, let’s ignore Finish here, that’s a different language family). Grammar is actually quite easy as such, but there are MANY exceptions. And then there’s the pronunciation – which is a nightmare for most people. English speakers often can’t hear the difference between ‘ø’ and ‘y’, ‘å’ is not the easiest either and the soft d is really difficult. But because I’m German it was ok for me. There’s a lot of similar words and expressions and sounds.
But the Roman Languages are difficult for me…gave up on French. I will never learn that language. I had it for four years and all I can say is my name. Quite sad. Oh well.
Same with me and German. Ich heiBe Mireia. Ich bin 21 Jahre aaaaaalt. Achtung. Karltoffensalat. Apfelsaft. TchüB. Learnt it for three years.
Hehe, that’s as far as my Spanish goes so far. But I’m working on it. It’s actually much easier than French. Not sure why. Maybe because, just like in German, you actually pronunce everything that is written (with the exception of a few letter combination)…
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Not-Being-French/372080739012?ref=ts
Bugger, too many French and French loving people on my friend list….they’d definately not be amused by this :P.
Bah. I am a French translator, as if I cared. Still a fan.
You’re generally right….but every once in a while it’s a smart move not to provoke too much…especially, when there’s other people involved, who only indirectly are part of it all (sounds much more mysterious and exciting than it is…haha).
I’m trilingual; English, Scots, and American English ;-) My brain is just not wired for languages, more of a science girl. I did 2 years of German and 4 of French in HS. I can read basic French (not great literature but I can follow instructions and read magazines) but speaking or comprehending it is an issue.
I speak pig latin!
My God, what a monster. Yikes!
I was reading this post and thinking “WTF?” What in the hell is wrong with you people? God, I hate contol freaks and bitchy people.
I was you until I had a child. I don’t get power from caring for her, nor do I have to have everything MY way, but haave discovered I love her and find her so precious that I am very much pulled away from my career and work. I can see how women might take a self-competence hit when their partner is good at something that is traditionally supposed to be their role. I would relate this to having the female partner be the one who mows the lawn and changes the oil in the car. THEN the male partner may take the hit. It isn’t being bitchy, it’s just that once you are in the situation, you can understand it better. It’s not as simple as you might think.
If you’re speaking to me, I have a two-and-a-half year old at home, so yes, I do understand the circumstance and quite well.
My apologies, Sarah, my remarks were aimed at the other folks leaving contents, not at you as the author.
As long as the child is clean and happy, whateverrrr. My dad dressed me and brushed my hair in the wackiest ways. I was the funkiest kid in the neighbourhood I was. Still am haha.
Crazy, obsessive mothers are just the worst. They call them “helicoptor moms” here in the States, because they hover and don’t let their kids get dirty or messy or play out of eyesight.
I never understood why any man would marry a woman that treated them this way. Perhaps the wife didn’t turn into a raging bitch until the kids came, though. Even if that’s the case, though, I would prefer my husband have a backbone and a voice, and tell me quite bluntly that I am being a complete maniac. It is in no way acceptable to treat your spouse like a wrong-doing babysitter.
As to the meat of your article, I love that my fiance does 50% (hell, sometimes, okay, MOST of the time more) of the housework, including laundry, dishes, etc. I would love for him to take a very active role in raising our children, as well. Isn’t that what a father’s supposed to do? Be a dad?
My goodness. I practically cry tears of joy when my fiance does the dishes or the laundry or whatever. I LOVE that he helps around the house. And when we have kids, I fully expect him to take an active role in caring for them.
Totally. It’s wonderful. I aaaaalways make it a point to tell him how much I appreciate him helping out, because I never want him to stop, haha!!!
Here here. I love when my husband takes the reigns when it comes to domestic things. He didn’t so much when we first got married, he had a housekeeper for pretty much his whole life (she still works for his parents), and a lot of the time he was willing to bitch about our home’s cleanliness but not actually able to see the link between a clean home AND cleaning the home. He has gotten much better and I make a point to say nice things when he does his part. Not that I get encouragement when I do stuff, but I’m not a cry-baby so whatever.
If he wanted to do ALL the housework, he could knock my domestic side out and I would be perfectly happy to only go to work.
In my family I do 99% of the housework (everything but take out the trash basically) and probably 90% of the childcare. That’s my job and I do it well. My husband does 1% of the housework and 10% of the childcare. Does it bother me that he does it well too? Not in the slightest. Sure he occasionally does things that make me shake my head like brushing the boy’s teeth on his bed instead of in the bathroom but so long as his teeth get done every night it’s really not a big enough issue to complain about or stew over.
I will say that it drive me crazy if I can’t solve a kid issue and my hubby solves it. The other day I spent half an hour trying to convince the boy to get dressed and he didn’t want to. My hubby came in and within 2 minutes he had the kid dressed and ready to go. That drove me nuts and made me feel inadequate but it’s not a parenting thing, I’m just naturally competitive. I’d feel the same way if someone opened a jar I couldn’t or completed a puzzle that had me stumped.
We share tasks the same as you do, Rhonda. I am worried though, because we are moving to Australia where I can work and my husband can’t until his Visa comes through, so I will struggle to let him do housework while I am at work. And I am dreading being away from Baby Goo. And I hate pumping. But at least I won’t be freezing my patootie off in frozen Canada, so…
He does his best with Baby Goo. But today while I was brushing my teeth he came bounding up with her and said – “Look! she has dry skin on her arms!”
I said “put lotion on it.’
He held her out to me “You do it, my hands are too big, I dont want to hurt her.”
So there are limits. Some guys are just SO male-minded that they have issues with the simplest delicate tasks.
Good luck with your move Madam Goo.
Thanks, hon. I am really really excited. I haven’t been home for years, my cat will take one look at me and run off and by now I imagine my parents have a hare krishna commune in my house they have been looking after, so there is a lot to adjust to!
I’ve learned you can’t set the bar too high :) If the kids are fed, semi-clean and not in danger, that really has to be enough. Anything else is bonus points. Men are spoiled by their mothers and learn to need that constant “mothering” from the wife… or they are raised by their mothers to be considerate, helpfull partners. My hubby is spoiled- sounds like you have one too ;)
Australia, Australia! HOW LUCKY AND HOW AMAZING!! I have applied for a scholarship to move to Australia next year, not gonna happen but oh dear I hope it will!! Loads of sunscreen for me though haha :D I’m so excited about my unlikely move to Down Under hahaha
You should totally go to Australia – but you need a lot of time to travel – it is a big country.
Unfortunately I am both very fair skinned and allergic to sunscreen. But in my whole life of being outdoorsy in Australia I have gotten burned less than 5 times, so I think I am doing very well. The secret – (not really a secret) – hats, long sleeved shirts and only stand in the direct sun for less than 10 mins at a time.
I cant wait to go home. I am going to kiss the first kangaroo I see and then eat it.
Okay, so there’s nothing sexier than a man with a vacuum or standing in front of the sink washing dishes. I LOVE when my husband helps out in any way possible. However, I see how this is true. There’s nothing more disconcerting that going away for the weekend and leaving the husband in charge and coming home and he’s managed to do twice as much as you’ve been able to accomplish in an entire week. There’s that underlying current that he’s making you feel like it’s so easy and why can’t you do as well on a daily basis. It’s a complete crazy mindset and probably totally unfair and all in your own head, but it’s kind of where your mind goes. Transversely, if you ever go away and you EXPECT that when you come home it will be wonderful, clean and perfect, and it isn’t you’re totally disappointed. Sometimes we just can’t be pleased and I understand why my husband looks at me like I’m a little loopy at times. It’s not a power thing with me, it’s an insecurity, because I know I am NOT the best housewife. I have friends that feel the same way. I also have friends where their spouse actually gives voice to these things and makes the mother feel guilty for not being able to do on a daily basis what he is able to do over a short weekend alone with the house and kids. That’s just all kinds of wrong. We’re hard enough on ourselves.
I would never describe myself as a helicopter mom, either. I purposely have given my kids freedom to establish their own independence. Since I have triplets, our life is a little different than families that have only one child or children of different ages and stages, but it has it’s own advantages and disadvantages. Our boys are completely different and even independent of one another. Things are changing now that they are in middle school and they also are able to contribute a lot around the house. It was much more true when they were younger – especially when they were toddlers.
@ rhonda
I’m (we’re) really competitive, as well. I see that in things around the house. There are lots of “man things” that I’m better at. The tools in the house – they’re mine. I do love to chide my Engineer husband about that. He likes to pick on me about his pancake making skills compared to my little charcoal patties…all the fancy kitchen appliances are his. In general, these things are what carries through our relationship and bonds us as best friends. It also pushes us to be better in those areas where we’re lacking.
Personally, I found that doing about half the childcare (it just worked out that way) resulted in a happier, healthier, and hornier wife. Leave it to a guy to focus on childcare resulting in more sex.
My hubby has been known to tell me to go out, relax and have fun, then come back re-energized and ready for action. It’s so true. When you’ve just spent 12+ hours alone with a little kid you get pretty fed up of being touched. A little time to move freely and maybe even the opportunity to pee without an audience (the holy grail for SAHMs) works wonders.