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Every week, the folks over at Slate take a moment to respond to a question “in conjunction” with Washington Post Magazine. This week, several female writers responded to the question in the title of this post. As you can imagine, some good suggestions were thrown out — but unfortunately not without a bit of judgment from some of the participants, if you ask me.
Hanna Rosin is all about putting an end to the bouquet toss:
In the last few weddings I’ve been to—even the ones for more conservative friends—there is a strong ambivalence hanging over this moment. The ladies gather shame-faced in the corner and the bride gives a limp, embarrassed toss. In each case the flowers landed on the floor, as the women were too embarrassed to catch them. The age when women want to get married is not over. But the age when women proudly display a grasping eagerness to do so is long past.
Ellen Tarlin and Dana Stevens both dislike the tradition of weddings altogether. They’re not so hot for the institution of marriage either — each caved to her partners and got hitched at City Hall for fiscal reasons.
Both Tarlin and Stevens make excellent arguments against weddings — the patriarchy, the expense, the conformity. Good for them for opting out of the pageantry. But hey, why not just let folks who want to have one enjoy it, asks Jessica Grose:
I think you can like and want to be part of a tradition even if you know that the roots of that tradition are less than savory. Of course some people are forced into doing things they don’t want because of family. But lots of people are not.
To each her own (or THEIR own, if we’re going to be egalitarian about it). What wedding traditions would you like to see the end of?
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Are we going to be strong women or not? Who needs to ‘abolish’ wedding traditions? If it’s your wedding, you can choose what you want to do or not do. As far as I’m concerned, a wedding is about getting some people together, making some promises, and celebrating it. Anything beyond that is just details.
I’m getting married next summer. There will be a simple wedding with the people who matter to us. And we intend to only include things that make sense or have meaning to us. I will not be tossing a bouquet, as I agree that it is outdated and silly. No-one wants to do it, and I have not participated at the last weddings I attended. I won’t even have a bouquet, because I’m not a flower person. There will be no removal of any parts of my clothing. A lot of things that some people consider necessary ‘traditions’ will be missing. Included will be the bits that have meaning instead of show value.
If someone else wants to do things totally different, good for them.
The only thing I’d like to see a universal end to is viewing weddings as shows, and the party as actors. You invited people to share your happiness with them. Not perform for them. Ditch the ‘biggest day of my life’ mentality, and the ‘everything must go stage-perfect’ obsessions, and the couple AND the guests would have a lot more fun.
I will say the bouquet toss is a tad silly, but it doesn’t bother me. In fact, I even look forward to my dad walking me down the aisle some day because I have a fantastic relationship with my parents and my dad deserves to walk his daughter down the aisle.
And before we go into the “asking the father for permission to marry” thing, it’s not something that I care about, but my bf has already informed me he wants to. It’s certainly not like my father will say no.
I do with mothers had a bigger traditional role in weddings, though (you know, the whole squeezing my big head out of her vagina and letting me ruin her girlish figure).
Well, the traditions obviously are different in different places. In Germany and Denmark, I’ve actually never seen a bouquet toss.
But there are some nice traditions from Germany that are about showing that you as a team can make everything work. After the ceremony in church the couple walks to the place, where they celebrate, family and guests behind them. On the way, they’ll be stopped and they’ll have to do something, e.g. saw through a log with a rusty saw. It shows that bride and groom go together through life and that with team work they can solve all problems.
And where I come from in Germany, it’s not that dad, who walks his daughter down the aisle. The groom comes to the bride’s family’s house and meets her there, then they walk to the church together – but I don’t know how common that stuff is in other parts of Germany.
Oh, and one tradition from back home that would annoy me? The kidnapping of the bride. After the ceremony, it’s the grooms job to protect his bride…so always when he doesn’t watch out guys from the bride’s family will try to kidnapp her. If the groom was on the loo and his bride is kidnapped, then he has to go find her (in DK, they have a friendlier version, always, when the groom leaves the room all men get up and give the bride a kiss on the cheek and the same happens the other way around).
Sorry, long post…traditions in different areas just fascinate me :).
Having been to a few weddings lately, I’ve been thinking about this a lot.
There’s so much about the various western christian wedding i’d get rid of, but recently i’ve settled on the one part that bugs me the most.
I really hate seeing the man (in a hetro weddng) waiting patiently for the woman to walk slowly to him. Why never the other way around? Why not together?
To me it seems like we assume that she is making a choice, going to him, leaving her family behind. and he isn’t.
I can only think of one that I really hate. The perception that not marrying in white means you’re a slut. I wore a red dress because I don’t like white and I wanted something a bit different. Small town gossips activate! I showed my dress to my mother’s neighbor before the wedding because she dislikes large social occasions so she declined the invitation. When she realized it wasn’t white I was seriously worried she was going to keel over, she was so shocked. Once the picture appeared in the local paper people started talking about how the dress didn’t look white.
Really though we didn’t have any traditions we didn’t want. I didn’t have flowers so no toss. We walked up to the alter together (outdoors so no real aisle) and nobody gave me away. If my dad were alive I would have let him walk me down because I think that would have been important to him but he’s not.
I wore a black dress.
I wanted my bridesmaids in black but my mother pitched a fit about it and she was the one paying for my sisters dress. In hindsight it would have been better to dump the sister than the dress but at the time I let it go and they wore green instead. Ironically I think every one of my Scottish friends who has married since had their bridesmaids in black and my mother now thinks it’s so classy.
when my mom and dad got married in the 60’s, she wore a dark red dress with a beaded sash(and her parents refused to help pay for the dress because of it), he wore high-heeled motorcycle boots and tightish pinstriped pants. i think they looked amazing, no matter how unconventional.
all of them
Have any wedding you like,but for gods sake they shouldn’t be as expensive as they are.
Oh no joke; I think it’s ok to splurge on a single facet of the wedding (like the cake, dress, whatever), but splurging on everything? It’s ridiculous.
I’ll *probably* be getting married in a couple years, the only things I’ll be doing differently is walking down the aisle. Either both my parents will walk me down the aisle, or me and my hubby to be will walk together. I just don’t like the idea of my father giving me to my husband- for both seeming like i belong to them and for my mom not being involved.
I’m walking down the aisle all by myself. My dad passed away when I was sixteen, and I’m not that close to my stepdad.
In the end, doing it myself seems the most authentically “me” way to do it anyway.
I absolutely will NOT have a “Unity Candle” at my wedding. Or Unity “sand.” It’s the cheesiest thing I’ve ever seen. As if getting married isn’t symbolic enough of two families coming together, we have to have both families LIGHT A CANDLE? Ugh. I hate it, and I won’t do it.
No church for Mire. I can’t say this clearly enough – no church!!
No white dress (my mum got married in the bestest dress ever, with a tea-house themed silk dress she sewed with fabric my uncle brought from China; I WANT that haha).
No WEDDING LIST – unless, you know, I’m moving out from my parents (God forbid); I hope I’ll have a house and I’ll be living with my fiancé by then and we won’t need a new microwave / tin opener / whateverthefuck.
No waiting for me for an hour (seriously, what the fuck, ladies?).
Also, in Spain we have to wear something blue, something old, something borrowed and something new; sod that, that’s silly.
And I don’t want anyone to be taking my garter, as they do here. Ew, gross.
But I want loads of indie music and much fun for everyone involved, and maybe karaoke!
The tradition I hate most is the one where the bride and groom smash cake in each other’s faces. We are not doing that at my wedding under any circumstances.
I told my fiance that if he tries it, I’m kicking him out of the reception. No joke.
(And sorry if this is a repeat comment; the first one didn’t show up).
I know, I hate that “tradition!” I told my bf that under no circumstances is he allowed to do that with the hope of keeping his balls intact.
Oh, I hate that , too. It’s ridiculous. And childish. I would kill my husband with the laser-beam glare that would be coming out of my eyes.
Well, I’m 17 (I feel like I always start my comments with that sentence…), and I don’t even know if I want to get married someday, so I guess time will tell. If I ever get married, my dad AND step dad are definitely walking me down the aisle. I love them both and there’s no way I’m letting my step-dad out of that special moment, because I know it will mean a lot to both of them. That’s the only thing I’m sure… the rest’s still unwritten. :)
My wedding was a civil ceremony where I wore a suit and little cute hat (think Hilde out of His Girl Friday) and then dinner at a lovely little pub.
The only think I didnt like was the ‘love honour and cherish’ vow. I wanted to obey. cherish is kinda covered by love. I wanted to vow that if I am half dead I will still rise from my bed to make him a sandwich just the way he likes it.
You probably could have had your vows altered. I mean, never in a million bajillion years would I have “obey” in my vows, but it’s an option if you want it. You can have a lot of those pre-scripted bits customized.
I just assumed thats what they were – thats what they were at the last ‘normal (ie, not medieval) wedding that I went to in Australia. I was shocked when he said ‘cherish,’ because I had never heard it before!
You could have just said obey anyway. I don’t know what church you married in but I have a few friends who are ministers in a few different churches and the vows in their little books usually offer the option and there’s really very little that’s necessary in any case.
I really don’t remember our vows. We had a civil ceremony then had our own handfasting ceremony an hour later. The civil vows were simple and to the point and the hand fasting ones we wrote ourselves.
My wife and I had two weddings. We had one in the States for my family out in Arizona. She wore white, and it was something that she wanted to do, because from her point of view it was exotic. And to explain what I mean by exotic I will tell you about the other wedding.
She wore a brilliant red qipao, with golden trim. Red shoes, red gloves. She was glorious…
Her family is from a small village/ town in China. We had a very traditional rural wedding… with a few small adjustments because there was no way to do everything that is done in a traditional wedding there because I was from the US.
It was the most amazing experience of my life… there were hundreds of people there… everyone in her village, all the people that she knew when she grew up ( a seemingly never ending group of extended family). I had to walk to her parents home and ask for permission to marry their daughter (symbolically… they had known about our engagement for over a year at this point, and they were fully supportive). Then I walked back to an uncles home (in a traditional scene this would have been my own home… but that was 14,000 miles away), and I waited while she was carried in a sedan chair throughout the village amidst the din of firecrackers, drums and bells. When her and her entourage arrived at the house I walked to the sedan and I asked her if she would come out (that was the literal translation, the figurative translation was “will you marry me”), she agreed and I lifted her from the sedan and I carried her to the archway of the yard, where a fire had been lit. I carried her over the fire and through the smoke, and then the minister read us the marriage rites. We bowed to eachother and kowtowed to him. And then we were married.
Our first act as a married couple was to feed each other noodles.
I am sure that there were a million things that happened that day where the cultural equivalent here would have been decried and wished abolished…
Wow. That is amazing and beautiful.
If I ever get married I would
- want both parents to walk me down the aisle, and I want my potential spouse to walk down it too rather than just waiting for me
- not toss flowers
- not have the bridesmaids walk arm and arm with the groomsmen
- have the bride/groom families sit intermixed at the wedding rather than starkly divided on the aisle
- have a dress, but no idea about the color (just depends on finding the one that really looks awesome when I see it)
Oh man, has this ever been on my mind. Gettin’ married in September, and while I never wanted a big wedding or anything, he does, and he wants his family there (he has a big family…). I’ve been thinkin’ about how I want this to be (for the most part, he’s ok with me changin’ what I want so I’m comfortable).
I’m wearing an emerald green, corseted dress that will be simple enough for use out of it after the wedding. I don’t want a dress I will wear once.
My bridesmaids (all two of them) probably won’t wear dresses, they don’t like them. I think they decided on somethin’ corseted as well, somethin’ that they’ll wear again later on. I hate having clothes you only wear once, especially when its got such a hefty price tag on it.
Instead of a ring bearer, we want a ring warming, where the ring is passed through the family and friends during the ceremony so everyone can hold it and pray over it (if they wish, his family is pretty religious, and so is mine, but they probably won’t be able to make it) or say a few words over it, for good luck and the like.
His sister is doing the cake. Whee.
I haven’t decided if I want a bouquet or not, but if I do, it will probably be made out of crystals, and it will not be thrown. No throwing of anything.
We’re having the reception at his parents place, out in the country, and we’re having a barbecue type thing.
If my family does make it, there will be no bride/groom family seperation, and not just ’cause his family would outnumber mine 12946-1, and it would look really silly. The whole idea is really silly, especially when it will (probably) be the first time they get to meet.
And the whole “average cost of a wedding being $45k in the US” thing? Not gonna happen. The last thing I need to be doin’ is goin’ into a marriage.. in debt.
*sigh* Kinda just want to scratch the whole thing and skip to Vegas, its just down the road…
Hi guys! I know it’s late and this is kind of, but not really, off topic, but….
I’M ENGAGED!!!! :) My boyfriend asked me to marry him tonight. :) I had to share the news!
Congrats!! :D
that sort of news is never off topic! congratulations from me abd baby goo goo who is helping me type! are you going to be a bold or blushing bride?
Congrats Whit!!!!!!
Ok, now tell us how he proposed!
OMG CONGRATS!!!!!!!!!
Welcome to the club! It’s insanity, but fun insanity.
If you need any tips finding a dress, I am all over it.
Congratulations!
Congratulations :)
Congratulations Whit! I trust there will be a table on the plan for all your ZL buddies ;-)
THANKS, Y’ALL!!!!!! Goo Goo, I fear I will be a blushing bride! I turned beet red (and stayed that way for about 2 hours) when he proposed yesterday! Haha! And thank Baby Goo Goo for helping you type for me!
VChilds, he came up to work and asked me to meet him outside because he had something he needed to give me, so I went, and he got down on one knee and asked! :) I had absolutely NO idea! And I had been looking for clues for weeeeeks! Totally caught me off guard! Then, we went to the bar where we first hung out, and sat at the same table. :)
And Rhonda, of course there will be a commemorative ZL table! It wouldn’t be the same without one! :)
Sydney, send me everything you’ve got! Haha! And congratulations to you, too, you ole getting-married gal! :)
Two words: Maggie Sottero!
Google it! The dresses are amazing ^_^
Mine is “Gloria”, but it was a tough choice.
Pretty stuff. Of course, no suggested prices…
I like that they include photos of people in the gowns, that gives you a chance to see girls of different sizes and shapes. It can be hard to look at a picture of a dress on a model and try to guess what it would look like on you.
My dress was a hair over $1,000.00, if that gives you anything to go by.
Huh. There should have been a period and a capital after ‘gowns’. Ooopsbrain.
Good to have the starting point. Nobody sells the dress I want..
Congratulations :)
Wow congrats, that’s amazing :-)
On the topic, I’d rather have a large party with friends and families where everyone can wear what they are comfortable with, then something totally formal. An Irish folk band and free Guiness would be great too :-D
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excellent information.