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While in today’s society, it’s a relatively normal thing for women to propose to men, decades ago it would be unheard of. Still, while some people are still taken aback by the thought of a woman getting down on one knee to ask for a man’s hand in marriage, these same people would probably be freaking over the latest trend in men who are the askee rather than the asker.
New consumer surveys state that since women are on the up tick in asking men to be their brides grooms, it’s only natural that these same women are purchasing male “engagement” rings. For the male. To wear.
Just because I am a self-proclaimed nerd, I’m going to tell you the one thing that comes to mind when considering this notion: the look on Harry Potter’s Ron Weasley when Lavender Brown gives him a horridly garish love necklace to solidify their relationship and prove their “love.” But … I digress.
I’m not completely traditional, although there are a few key parts to my makeup that would state otherwise, but even this is a little much for me. I’d never ask a man to marry me … I don’t think — but even if I did, just playing the devil’s advocate, I might have to laugh at him if he asked for an engagement ring. And that’s precisely what makes me a bad feminist, or at the very least a great chauvinist, I guess: that blatant lack of all-encompassing equality. However, if I were to truly separate myself from the foreign-ness of the situation, I suppose it’d only be normal, right? If a woman feels it’s her place to ask for a man’s hand in marriage, she should be prepared for all of the “traditional” things that go along with it, like bending down on one knee and making sure her boyfriend’s ring size is right. Right?
On another end of the spectrum, what about same-sex couples? While sometimes there are individuals who, still being of the same gender, emulate a more masculine and feminine stereotype even if they are neither, what are they to rely on when it comes to these types of societal “standards”?
I guess I’ve taught myself a lesson. Or, rather, the notion of open-minded thinking has, at any rate.
What do you guys think? Would you ever propose to a boyfriend? If you are in a same-sex relationship, how would you want the proposal to work? Are all bets off? Moreover, would you, as a female, be the bearer of the ring?
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I basically did propose to my hubby. It wasn’t deliberate, he took something I said the wrong way and we decided just to go for it because we knew that we were going to make it official at some point anyway. I’d only just turned 19 and we’d just started our second year of college which was the only reason we were holding back a while. We went out and bought a ring a couple of days later and he proposed again when he gave me the ring.
I do know one guy who got an engagement ring. It didn’t last, his fiancee was a little crazy and wound up dumping him. Something to do with him eating food out of her fridge after she offered it to him.
First, LOVE the “Harry Potter” reference…it’s very apt : )
The thing is, our society is one of “that’s the way it’s always been done”. I’m an educated, forward-thinking, progressive woman, and my six-year-old daughter said to me yesterday, “Wouldn’t it be funny if a boy wanted to play with a Barbie?” before bouncing off in a fit of giggling. Yes, it’s true, I’ve somehow raised a child that thinks that Barbies are only for girls … (and I did have the “toys are for everybody” chat with her, but I don’t know how much good it did). My point is that Barbies going with girls is expected. It’s status quo. And it’s the same thing with guys and engagement rings.
Is there something inherently wrong about a girl giving a guy an engagement ring? Nope … but I can imagine my six-year-old giggling off on waves of laughter over that one, too.
Kind of sad, really …
I am not allowed to get my fiance his ring. His best friend would kill me, and has mentioned this many times.
But if the situation was different, I might get him a ring. (Of course, it would probably be one out of the 25 cent machines, cause thats all I can afford, and it would match the little girl inside me who thinks its funny)
I don’t see anything wrong with her giving him a ring. Nope.
I don’t really care who gives who a ring and I think it’s silly that it’s still a “thing” for so many people. Women aren’t property anymore, so there’s no longer a reason for men to “claim” them.
My fiancee and I discussed marriage as an eventual end-goal right when we first started dating. We wanted to make sure we were both in it for the same thing – a longterm relationship ending in marriage, rather than just a casual thing or a fling – and, as we were, we decided to see how things went between us and revisit the subject of marriage in a year or two if we were still together. We were, and we did, and after a long talk about where we see our lives going, and our thoughts on stuff like religion/pets/children/career goals, and reconciling our two sets of views on all of the above, we decided to get engaged. Nobody really asked, or I guess you could say we both asked and both agreed.
I did get a ring, but it was way after the fact and I picked it out, with input from him. And if my fiancee didn’t have a severe aversion to jewelry of any kind (he won’t even wear a wristwatch for very long), I would’ve probably gotten him a ring too. Granted, it wouldn’t've been as nice as the one he got me, but still.
I would be willing to propose to a guy, but I probably wouldn’t do it directly. I’ve never seen a great need for an official proposal, and even less for a ring. I would probably just have a conversation, and we could make a mutual decision. That would be plenty for me. That was always my plan, but between marriage talks and an actual decision, my guy jumped on a real proposal. whatever.
As for rings, I am opposed to engagement rings. Unless they are two-way. If you both want to wear an engagement ring, go for it – but since you’re about to get wedding rings, it seems kinda pointless. But a present defined as from the man to the woman, unreciprocated, and as a prerequisite to agreeing to marry, is entirely uncompatible with my equalist beliefs. And a ‘we picked out the engagement ring together afterwards’ is even worse, because you’re still expecting a bribe, really, to marry the guy, but now you’re being extra picky about it.
I think anyone who calls herself a feminist, but wants an engagement ring, needs to take a good hard look at her underlying beliefs.
In my case, my guy brought out a silver sharpie, and we sharpied both our fingers for symbolisms sake. Now, after it has washed off, I simply explain my thoughts on engagement rings to anyone who questions my bare finger.
symbolism is meant to be possessive, not plural. Caught my miss of the apostrophe just as I submitted. gah.
I see engagement/wedding bands as a badge of honor. In my family, wedding rings are valued heirlooms that are passed on through generations. They hold loving energy and symbolism. I don’t think people who don’t dig the whole idea of rings are remiss in their belief systems; either you like it or you don’t.
As a veteran and a woman, there have been few things in my life that I wanted to do but decided not to because I wasn’t a man. Honoring a beautiful tradition does not make me less of a “feminist” or an equal person in my marriage.
Note that there’s a big difference between engagement rings and wedding rings. I have absolutely nothing against wedding rings. I think they are an excellent symbol of something given to each other to commemorate the moment, and a display to the rest of the world that you are now off the market. I am absolutely in favour of wedding rings. (Haven’t decided yet whether we’re doing them though – I’ve never owned a ring I haven’t lost, which is worrying)
Engagement rings are different, because it’s a one-way deal. They’re a holdover from earlier days, where the man needed to prove that he made sufficient money to support his intended, and a gift that she could keep if he screwed her over and failed to marry her.
Today, a pricey unidirectional gift to agree to engagement is not symbolic of equality.
I understand that you (the girl) want one, and he doesn’t. The question is *why* do you want one?
My wedding band is a simple $300 white gold band with 7 tiny diamonds along the top. It’s soldered onto my engagement ring , so in essence, they are one and the same. The ring I don’t wear that my man could have skipped out on was my promise ring- but I will pass that on to my daughter eventually. I think most women wear the combo of band and engagement ring the entire life of their marriage. That’s how my grandmother wore hers. She died in my grandfather’s arms while she was asleep (cancer). I wear her ring on my right hand and it’s a reminder to me that I intend to die with my own rings on my left hand. When my daughter turns 18 she will get my grandmother’s ring.
To each their own :)
I don’t see why getting an engagement ring is unfemenist. Sure, if my boyfriend wants one I’ll get him one, too. I just really don’t think he wants one.
Why do you want one? What does it symbolize to you, besides something sparkly to show off to your friends? What is the meaning behind it?
And while he might not want a diamond solitaire, is your reasoning for wanting one such that he might also want such a gift, but in another form? What makes it something that he gives you with no reciprocation?
How about commitment? How about that someone saved up their money for a prolonged amount of time to purchase something as a means of showing you that they care about you, and are willing to sacrifice for you? They put thought into something you would love, something that reflected your personality, and then went to lengths to surprise you with it? That’s not to say that women don’t reciprocate to similar means all of the time; an engagement ring is just one traditional way of showing this, in the same way that a wedding is a traditional way of bonding people- it’s not the only way, but it is the traditional way.
Okay, that’s a great reason!
Why don’t you do the same thing for him? I think two-way engagement rings are entirely consistent with equality.
(I just don’t *personally* see any point when you’re about to get wedding rings.)
@ Kai
Historically the ring finger has been directly linked to the energy of the heart (the vein was called the vena amori). The ring finger is also the finger associated with the god Apollo who, among his other duties, was about the cultivation of love and beauty in the natural world. The right hand is where the energy leaves the body and the left hand is where the energy enters the body. Thus a ring on the left hand has incredible significance in terms of energy exchange and as a sign of commitment.
My engagement ring and wedding ring have sapphires, as opposed to diamonds, because traditionally sapphires symbolize faithfulness and respect.
Actually, Kai has set my mind a-stewing…while my boyfriend doesn’t want an engagement ring, he does have a family heirloom-type ring that he broke about a year ago that he doesn’t wear anymore. Methinks getting it fixed so he can wear it again sounds like a good engagement ring plan. Time to start saving, haha.
@jeneria
I’m not actually questioning wedding rings here. I appreciate them as a show of your taken status to the world – even aside from any other deep meanings.
I’m saying that engagement rings given from a man to a woman are different, and people should think about them.
For myself personally, I have no interest in an engagement ring, and the jury’s still out on wedding rings. I do like the idea, but I’m concerned that I will lose the ring, and that would really suck.
I just like sparkly stuff, and everyone is welcome to buy me some.
Same here. That, and the slightly selfish, narcissistic part of my self wants to show off that I’m taken. Maybe it’s because no one wanted to date me in high school, haha.
I’m all for the wedding ring part of ’showing people I’m taken’.
If you want the engagement ring for that, why not exchange? Don’t you want to show people that he’s taken too?
I can’t give you anything sparkly because I don’t have any money, BUT
I’ll give you a rainbow :)
http://www.masa-ka.com/html/rainbow.html
That is so spiffalicious!
Thanks!
Spiffalicious!! Permission to steal this word and use it far more than is necessary?
You absolutely must!
Symbolism only has meaning if you give it as much. To say “think anyone who calls herself a feminist, but wants an engagement ring, needs to take a good hard look at her underlying beliefs” is undercutting the intelligence of most women. About 90% of what makes a ‘women’ is hegemonic, ideological, symbolic actions. If you want to discount one action, such as a receiving an engagement ring, as unfeminist, then there is a very long laundry list of other actions almost all of us partake in that would discount us as feminists as well.
I’m not saying that it is definitively unfeminist. I am saying that you should examine your reasons.
If you want an engagement ring just because that’s what people do, that seems odd to me.
If you want to show off the sparkly to your friends, that seems silly.
If you think the guy needs to buy you something nice for you to agree to marry him, I think you’re excessively materialistic.
If you want a token of your engagement, I think that’s entirely understandable, and my sole remaining question is why not both ways? Would not you both exchange rings? Or some sort of gift? You get engagement earrings, and he gets an engagement watch? (Yes, I’m giving random examples, but hopefully the idea is still there.)
I think you’re splitting hairs.
Why do women often receive money from their parents to help pay for the wedding, but the same isn’t expected from the groom’s family?
Why are women expected to do the majority of the planning?
Why do men often get a huge bachelor blow out, but women usually have something more subdued?
Why do women get wedding showers, but men don’t?
There are many, many gendered traditions involved in the marriage process. I don’t see how the engagement ring is really any different.
If you really feel like the unreciprocated gift is somehow unfair, then go ahead and level it. But that doesn’t mean that everyone else should have to do the same, and that others deserve criticism for following a tradition they have justified in their own terms.
Well, actually, I’m just addressing what was already brought up. If you want to talk about the whole wedding, that’s an entirely different issue, and I think many of the other ‘traditions’ are outdated and have sexist symbolism as well. (Note that I’m not saying people are purposely acting in sexist ways – merely that the tradition and symbolism comes from a sexist time.)
I think that back when the girl’s father went out and found a nice young man for her, it made sense for him to ask for her hand, give a gift to show his ability to provide, wait at the front for her father to walk her down and hand her over, and for her parents to pay for inviting all their friends over the celebrate the affair.
Today is very different. I believe that people should evaluate the usual things, look at what traditions matter to them, and consider why, and then make things work. Again, I am not calling engagement rings strictly unfeminist – but I am saying people should think more about them.
For me, I think that if you’re adult enough to marry, you’re adult enough to pay for it.
I think both parties should be willing to do some of the planning – especially the not-so-fun parts, but when one person cares about the details more, they should be the one to take care of that part. Often, that is the woman, though I’ve heard otherwise.
I don’t even really understand wedding showers, so I’m not having one, and I’ll leave them for others to figure out.
I think that once again, if you’re adult enough to get married, you are adult enough to plan the party you want – or for your friends to choose something you’ll enjoy. Therefore, IF you are going to have a bachelor party and/or a bachelorette party, each one should be enjoyable for the person, at whatever level of wildness they will actually enjoy. It’s another thing I see no reason to do myself, and whether there will be a bachelor party, and what it will involve is up to my guy and his friends.
I agree with you “The Wicked 7″ and I think Kai’s argument falls apart with all the hoity-toity statements that we “should” “re-think” our reasons for wanting an engagement ring. To each her own. We don’t have to analyze why we want a ring. Kai, you’re more than welcome to not do rings at all or make your fiance wear an engagement ring as well, but it’s insulting to expect everyone else to do the same and for the same reasoning as you. You sound very stubborn and not capable of a profitable, mature argument.
I actually wanted to make my fiance (if I ever have one) wear an engagement ring too- because I didn’t see why I should be “claimed” and he not be. But now I don’t really care either way. And even when I thought I wanted that, I certainly didn’t go around pushing my beliefs on others. It’s really obnoxious.
There are plenty of people who are adult enough to marry but not adult enough to pay for the whole thing themselves. If my hubby and I had paid for our wedding by ourselves we would have had a very small affair and our families would have been lucky to split a couple of large pizzas for the reception since we were just finishing college at the time.
^ That’s my situation exactly, Rhonda. My fiance and I are graduating this spring, and if we had to pay for the whole thing ourselves, it would be pretty dinky. Thankfully our parents are helping us out on that front.
It makes me so mad when I watch Platinum Weddings and see people blowing $1.3 million on a wedding. I mean, for that amount you cold have a lovely but modest wedding, a really nice house, a new car, pay off your student loans, etc.
But I guess some people have the money to waste…..
What I mean more specifically out of that is that people should not *expect* money from their parents for a wedding. If your families wish to gift you some money to help with the expenses, that’s really awesome of them, and there’s nothing wrong with it. But if you’re adult enough to pick out a guy and commit to him, you shouldn’t be *expecting* your parents to pay for it. This was in response to the issue of why the bride’s parents are expected to pay, and the grooms are not. I think today, neither one counts.
Ooooh, I’m ‘hoity-toity’ now. Awesome one!
Yes, I’m calling for people to evaluate, and not just go with what seems to be the ‘of course I need an engagement ring’ idea.
In the same way that we call for people to think further about why they’re preferring the male applicant to the female applicant for a job. Is he better qualified, or are underlying ideas of ability making an appearance? It doesn’t mean hire the woman for being a woman – merely think about it a little to watch for unconscious prejudice.
In the same way that we ask someone to think before they tell their daughter to be sweet and quiet, while rationalizing that their ‘boys will be boys’.
I am not saying that you can’t wear an engagement ring or anything. I am saying that it’s one of those leftover traditions that tends to have expectations you don’t think about, and people should have a thought about what they’re doing and why, and what it means to them. And if the girl decides that she wants to wear an engagement ring, while the guy simply doesn’t, and both are fine with the action and the meaning, so be it. And that’s what’s going to move forward equality – not hardline rules of tradition OR opposing it.
I think I saw someone already note that this discussion was making them think about it and reconsider what seemed obvious. That is what I seek.
@ Sydney,
Platinum Weddings infuriates the crap out of me. It’s disgusting. It’s always such a sham and never about the couple themselves, but about the WEDDING, not the MARRIAGE. It’s also funny that even with all the money they pour into these things, they still look cheesy.
I was actually watching that show yesterday, and one of the girls was wearing MY DRESS. I was livid. I’m like, you have ALL THIS MONEY!!! Why did you have to get the semi-inexpensive, simple one that I got?!?! GRRR!!!
I think perhaps the aggressive tone in several of your comments which seems to assume that women are thinking of engagement rings as something they deserve to receive in order to show off to their friends may be what is frustrating others. Because as I think many of the commenters have shared, that is not what they are thinking. The past symbolism of a man buying a woman with a big ring is largely no longer the case- it certainly was at one point, but people have projected their own meanings upon this tradition now.
So yes, everyone should think about the rituals and traditions that we perform, and they should contemplate what these actions mean to them. But I believe this is what most women are doing, and it is more valuable for you to share your reasons in an open forum (as you have done here) without criticizing others, causing them to become defensive.
As someone who briefly worked on Platinum Weddings in the past, I would like to point out a little-known secret that not all the costs you see on the screen are necessarily incurred by the couple.
Some of these couples just know all the right people, so certain items may be partially or entirely comped or provided as a wedding gift. But for the sake of the show, they have to be listed at the price they’d cost someone who was actually paying for it. Sometimes they’ll point out that it was a gift (like when the in-laws buy the bride her wedding jewelry or something) and then list the cost of the gift, while other times they don’t mention it at all.
So, some (certainly not all) of the couples involved are far more frugal than you might think based on the price tags the show touts. I was pretty surprised.
Hey Wicked, just curious, who was your last comment directed toward? I’m confused! :)
It’s hard to keep on track when you can’t reply to replies.
I was addressing Kai’s comment.
I did reference women who ‘deserve big rings to show off to their friends’. that is not meant to be accusatory to anyone here – I suspect that sentiment is not big in these parts.
But let’s not pretend it isn’t out there. A few people have already shared stories of people they have seen looking for the biggest, or x months salary, or whatever. so yes, I have called out those people – not accused everyone of being the same.
What I find more interesting though are people who know they want an engagement ring, but can’t really explain why. I’ve had this discussion with some of my friends, and many people just believe it is expected. And I’m big on questioning traditions. So that’s mainly who I’m aiming at. Some people have thought about it more, and realized that their automatic assumptions don’t stand once they think through the reasons and the meaning. Some people don’t care. That’s all good.
Kai, just love jewelry. I’m not necessarily a fan of flashy, I’m more into quality and unique pieces (I watched them make my claddagh).
But yes, I do love it when a man buys me jewelry as a gift.
My problem with that statement (the original, not yours Wicked 7) is this is coming from the same website that often takes a pretty soft feminist stance. Wearing makeup, heels, getting plastic surgery, and all that is perfectly acceptable if it’s done in the guise of feminism but accepting or wanting an engagement ring isn’t? Excuse me while I call bullshit.
I personally don’t believe in engagement rings (don’t see the point in two pricey rings so close together in time) so no I wouldn’t get him one, but I would have no problem proposing.
I personally never had any desire to propose to my fiance simply because being proposed to has been a super-romantic fantasy of mine since I was about 5. I desperately wanted a man to get down on one knee to profess his undying love and his desire to be with me forever, and I make no apologies for it.
However….once we had been dating a few months and I was sure we were in it to win it, I pretty much told him, “I want to be engaged by such-and-such date, married by such-and-such fate, and have our first kid by such-and-such date”……so, I guess I pretty much started the whole process anyway.
Sounds a tad like me. I want my boy to propose to me and he already knows when (ish) it should happen, but the surprise and happy melty feelings are something that my inner 4-year-old desires ever so much. That and a pink tutu.
Agreed! :)
My boyfriend of almost a year, when I mentioned something about guys not wearing engagement rings.. actually said “guys don’t wear engagement rings too?”
So I think I might be dating one of those delightfully feminist boys I’ve always heard so much about but only thought existed in my dreams ;)
At the same token, I think the idea of engagement rings are silly.. wedding bands are enough, and even then, not 100% needed in my opinion. I prefer the idea of using that money on useful things that aren’t as “show-off-y.”
I’m just not a ring-wearer I guess! And while we’re at it, girls who post pics of their “ring/hand” make me puke… or the new trend.. the ring as it looks on the store’s website, not even on their hand. TACKY!
Or he’s just oblivious. :D
I’m with you on this stance. I like the display of engagement rings that say ‘taken’, but not that say ‘check out the money we spent on this’. I would happily wear a very simple band as a wedding ring, and spend the rest of the money on an ice axe. :)
wait, that’s wrong. I meant to say ‘wedding rings’ that say ‘taken’.
I’ve typed ‘engagement ring’ so many times that it came out instead.
Note to self: proofread!
I proposed to my first husband because he was so chronically depressed I thought it would cheer him up. Six years later he still handn’t cracked a smile so…. I cant say it was sucessful!
My forever husband gave me an heirloom engagement ring, and I don’t wear it because I have construction worker man’s hands, which, while good for strong handjobs, do not need glittery shit adorning them.
Awww “forever husband” :)) <3
Yeah, i am trying to convince him to become a mormon so we aren’t separated by death. But he won’t buy it unless we can be polygamous.
It is a no-win situation :)
Just decide not to die.
That’s what I’m doing.
I like Blurry’s plan. It’s working for me so far!
Wait Blurry are you mormon? or were you just making a joke about not dying and beinf gunny?
Mormon?
That religion is entirely too much work for me. I’m kind of a free form Presbyterian.
Oh good because I have a strong distrust of mormons and I really like you :)
I like you too, Merc :)
We’re all going to have fun at the ZL get together that Vchilds is organizing!
Just got home from Seattle. I’ll start working on the party as soon as I get my bearings again!
Just wanted to share with you ladies. My two sons live up there. One is 33 and the other 29. We spent sooooo much time just the three of us talking. It is so wonderful to have a friendship with your adult kids. We also went to the opening Bon Jovi concert Friday night. So great also.
But I’ll get on the party soon!
psst….sorry Joey, you too not just the ladies!
How do you know I’m not.
Not what?
This is completely unrelated people of zelda lily but have you guys heard about the school activating webcams in students possession? they’ve already admitted to doing it 42 times but jesus how many unofficial times? they are recording students doing who knows what, and school systems are sooo easy to hack I knew several kids who could/did in middle and high school (the dumb ones changed a bunch of grades at once and got caught) who knows how many adults could get in and watch your children at their… bedroom activities. blegh creepy.
Huh. That’s creeptastic. How is that even possible? Just initiating a webcam conversation?
They have programs on every one of the students computers that will allow them to look at the contents of said computer, but also activate microphones and webcams from their end. It’s kind of like the technology that will let you access your personal computer from any computer in the world as long as you have a certain program and password setup (generally used by business people who have to travel a lot)
linkey-link
http://freerangekids.wordpress.com/2010/02/18/outrage-of-the-week-school-gives-kids-laptops-then-uses-them-to-spy/
I remember toying with the idea of proposing my long-distance boyfriend, to show him how committed I was to make it work during the year we had to be apart. A few days later he left me and started shagging someone else, although he still “misses me and wants us to sort things out”.
So yeah, erm… don’t know, just wanted to share the story, but I see nothing wrong in women proposing.
He’s a shithead. Why are you wasting mental energy even remembering him? Put your energy into your (better and brighter) future.
Aww wow thank you! :)
My husband and I got married last summer, but he proposed to me December 2009. He surprised me with a beautiful ring that I had noticed and pointed out probably over a year before. Shortly after, I purchased an engagement ring for him and re-proposed. It was nice for both of us to be able to say what we really felt about the other and each have our moment to spoil and be spoiled :)
I figure if the engagement ring symbolizes a commitment to another person, why would only I wear one? We ended up getting him his wedding band in the exact same ring but in white gold instead of black (like his engagement ring) and with some diamonds. By the end of purchasing our engagement and wedding rings, our sets are almost worth the same.
To be honest, I was not sure how much he would wear either ring because he is originally from a farm and wearing a ring is just seen as dangerous (a lot of men loose their fingers from catching rings while working around machinery). I also warned him that people would just assume he was married as soon as he wore his engagement ring.
To my surprise, he has barely gone a day without it unless he is working with his hands that day. He actually showed it off to his buddies and they thought it was pretty cool he got two.
I think if you are going for equality in a relationship, the last thing you should expect is a ridiculously priced engagemetn ring for yourself and nothing for your partner. I loved my husband even more for being willing to wear an engagement ring even though there are still certain stigmas to men and engagement rings. It felt like he only cared about our happiness and not about what everyone else would think. It was fun to go through the engagement process as a team
Now…the equality in wedding planning…well lets just say thats where the moms come in i guess :) Can’t win them all!
YES!
(They have black gold? Or am I misreading?)
I think wedding planning goes ‘the person who cares more about the details plans them’, while both should be willing to do the necessary work.
Are you speaking of black hills gold, or actual black colored gold? I googled but I still don’t know what true black gold really is… not many images of black looking gold.
“Black gold in a white plight
Won’t you fill up the tank, let’s go for a ride
I don’t care ’bout no wheelchair
I’ve got so much left to do with my life”
Or oil.
That’s all I got.
Ah yes, black gold. texas tea.
Oil for a ring leaves me equally confused though. :)
While my husband was the one who did the proposing, I actually pushed hard for him to wear an engagement ring and was ready to go out and buy one for him. I felt like that would make everything even between us, both price-wise and also in that we’d both be identifiably “taken” with rings on our fingers. (That’s something that rubs me the wrong way about female-only engagement rings, lol — at a bar we’re clearly identified as taken while the guy is not!) Alas, my husband (fiance at the time) was not keen on the idea at all, not because he was opposed to the ring per se but because he was embarrassed about what his friends/family would say about the break in tradition. On a related note, I opted not to change my name upon getting married and some of the same narrow-minded friends/family of course threw their two cents in about what a shame it was (I love ‘em, but they’re just kind of annoying in that way).
Way to go Mary. Narrow-minded need to shut up sometimes me thinks :)
So reading the comments I think I am pretty much the only person on the planet who didn’t know that men don’t wear engagement rings (or that’s what the old tradition is anyways). Not sure how I missed that in my many times of attending weddings or watching people get engaged, but totally news to me.
In Korea, both the man and the woman wear an engagement ring.
So I guess you have some global company on this one…
My Mom came thisclose to asking my step-dad to marry her, but she didn’t. He ended up asking her. But she wishes she had. I wanted to ask my boyfriend to marry about a million times, but I also didn’t want to give up the girly, romantic fantasy of being proposed to. That’s just me though. I think if a girl wants to propose to her boyfriend, just go for it, as long as it’s right, and not, like, PSYCHO.
when we went wedding band shopping there was a revolting girl who wanted the ‘most expensive one’.
Mr Goo said “he wont be with her too long!”
I just don’t get that attitude at all. When we went looking for mine I wanted something small and ideally silver because I’m not a big fan of gold. We went to one store that took out a tray of huge rings when we said we were engagement ring shopping. When I told the lady I was thinking maybe something silver she scoffed and told me that engagement rings have to be gold and have to be diamonds. We walked out. I did finally find one I liked, a thin gold band with a tiny diamond. Apparently they usually sell them as first communion gifts. A few people have asked me when I’m going to upgrade but I have no intention of doing so. Apart from anything else I hardly ever wear it (honestly not 100% sure where it is now) and I rarely wear my wedding ring either.
That is very similar to my own experience, too, Rhonda. I had a lot of friends who asked me when I was going to get my engagement ring upgraded, because my husband, knowing me as well as he does (I almost never wear jewelry and tend to lose it when I do), got me a very thin gold band with a very small diamond. I don’t even wear my engagement ring any more (I gained weight and it got too small and then when I lost weight again I just had gotten used to going without it), and I don’t know where it is. But I have my (very simple) wedding ring and wear it constantly. Honestly, the rings aren’t important. The relationship is.
For me, the ring is a bit more important because rings are about the only jewelry I like to wear…I detest bracelets and don’t usually wear earrings because I’m allergic to most. So I want my ring to be something that I absolutely adore because in all likelihood I will wear it all the time. But I definitely agree it is a bit silly to want to “upgrade.”
Also @ rhonda, I’m glad you walked out of that store, because God forbid we should like silver, that cheap slut of metals. Grrr.
I hate the upgrade question.
When I lived in Louisiana, a number of my female students talked about how they wouldn’t get engaged until their fiances could afford the biggest possible diamond. They were so hung up on the ring size that they lost sight of the guy they were supposed to love. One girl actually broke up with her guy when the ring he proposed with wasn’t big enough. She said she, at the age of 22, couldn’t afford a starter ring and needed the big ring because she was getting too old for dating.
I agree. My engagement ring is pretty simple–a 1/2 karat round diamond solitaire on a thin gold band. I specifically told my fiance not to break the bank on it.
Our wedding rings are going to be very simple, plain gold bands. No diamonds, no engraving, what have you.
Mine’s the EXACT same, but I have an Asscher cut full carat! I just wanted something plain, timeless, and classic. :) My wedding band will be a plain thin gold band. :)
The inside will be engraved though. On his, it’s going to say “One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them” and mine’s going to see “One ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them.” We are HUGE Lord of the Rings nerds, and much of our early relationship was spent watching and reading LOTR together. We were sitting on the couch watching the 1st movie one night, and he said, “wouldn’t it be hilarious if we engraved that on our wedding rings?” (this was like, 4 months in to our relationship) and we’ve clung to the idea ever since. It’s a nice reminder of our beginning, and also of the fact that our marriage shouldn’t feel like a dark binding cloud of unhappiness. Our marriage shouldn’t make us feel like we live in Mordor. It’s silly, but it makes us both smile. :)
Whit, your wedding band LOTR thing is hugely nerdy, but it’s also quite possibly one of the most adorable things I’ve ever heard of. :D
Thank you! :)
any guy who got me an engagement ring wouldn’t likely be getting a ‘yes’. It would demonstrate how thoroughly he *doesn’t* know me.
I discussed with my boyfriend that if he really wanted some exchange in memory of our engagement, that we could go for engagement ice axes or something (to me, a far better use of the money!), but we agreed that the sharpie was sufficient. :)
Jury’s out on wedding rings until I can solve the ‘How could I prevent myself from losing it?’ issue. Am I alone in this problem?
“Jury’s out on wedding rings until I can solve the ‘How could I prevent myself from losing it?’ issue. Am I alone in this problem?”
Um….don’t take it off? The only time I have ever come close to losing my engagement ring was a time when I had taken it off. So now I just never take it off, and I never lose it. I imagine that my wedding ring will be same way.
The cost of the ring means nothing.
I have a $17,000 set sitting in the safe – marriage with him SUCKED.
My ring now is a $200 claddagh that I never take off. It and the man mean so much more to me.
I figure that I can eventually sell the pricey set (and the less expensive set he bought before it) and enjoy my retirement (someday) even more.
Hey Blurry, you might wanna consider selling that set now (well, maybe not NOW now, but when interest rates go up for sure) and investing the money in some kind of high-yield account to accrue interest while you age. Get a long-term high-interest account and just don’t touch it and let it keep gathering interest, and by retirement time there’ll be a far more delightful amount of money awaiting you.
It’s value has gone up 10% per year – it is a nearly flawless 1.5 main carat stone with 2 carats of smaller stones. It was valued at 17k in 1994.
I don’t think I’ll get much better than 10% on any investments right now lol. (Although I did move most of my funds into precious metals in the summer of 2007 – I saw this coming).
I’ll bide my time, the diversify again. This crap is 25% knowledge, 25% intuition and 50% voodoo – I swear.
Its.
Fucking edit button is still broken :(
My best friend proposed to her husband. The funny part was that he’d already had the ring for about a month and was too nervous to just ask her. He was so relieved when she asked.
[...] Thinking About Proposing to Your Boyfriend? Think Again. – Zelda Lily [...]
Ok, too many comments to read them all…so maybe somebody already mentioned it already. Here in DK (and in Germany as well), engagement rings are very rare. The only one’s I’ve seen are on the fingers of American girl friends. Some people buy rings, before they get married (simple silver rings, to show that they are a couple…), but that’s usually it.
One of my American girl friends feels really conscious about her ring with a big stone, because nobody wears stuff like that around here.
I actually wouldn’t even know on which finger it’s supposed to be (which also has to do with different traditions in Europe…).
What the fuck?
Where did this shit come from? And why?
[...] Women, post-feminism needs to have its limits! [...]
I know this thread is a little old, but I had to reply to Whit-I think that your LOTR engraving is awesome :P I’m planning to propose to my bf on a trip to nyc we are taking in a couple wks. I’m getting him a replica of the ring of aragorn (barahir) from the noble collection. Apparently, there is a castle in Central Park, and that is where I’m going to do it.
That. Is. Awesome!!! I’m totally jealous!
BEST of luck and congratulations on your future engagement! :)
thank you :D I’m super nervous about it, though…but, I guess that guys go through the same thing…