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I think I prefer to stay single, if this is the alternative. I don’t quite know where to start to explain why this bit is so maddening. Perhaps with the first paragraph, where our privileged male author begins by listing the charming traits of intelligent women in such a condescending tone of ownership — ladies, it’s okay to be smart. It’s so cute when you know how to do things outside the house. Lots of us guys even insist that you can.
And then his talking points are merely a poor regurgitation of the ancient double standards applied to men and women in our society. Example: telling women to put relationships first. Have you ever, I mean EVER, read any article directed towards men telling them they should prioritize relationships over their career, independence, or education? (Although Benzer isn’t even so kind as to couch it in these terms. No, we smart women don’t value such meaningful things as career, friendships, or education over men. It’s our chihuahuas, our Facebook pages, and our adorable little spreadsheets, which certainly couldn’t be part of, say, a high-powered and worthwhile job.)
Why would a single woman be required to compromise her values just to be more attractive to men?
The whole article is just a decades-later continuation of the advice we learned from about 2nd grade on: if you want boys to like you, act dumb.
And here’s a great one: we smart women unfortunately underplay our feminine charms. Damn. I forgot to giggle and put on a short skirt today. Maybe if I bat my eyelashes effectively and add a lot of meaningless phrases like ‘um’ and ‘you know’ and like’ and ‘I think, maybe’ to my rhetoric I can still show that I am of the more delicate sex. Or, let’s see, I’ll follow this wonderful tidbit:
If you’re embodying joy, compassion and sensuality, telling him how great he is, making him feel like a billion bucks and the conqueror of worlds, you have no competition. Anywhere. Good men will come out of the woodwork to find a goddess like you.
Because stroking a man’s ego is always so much more stimulating for an intelligent woman than an actual conversation with someone who perceives her as an equal.
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Is there a link to the original article? I may have missed it…I want to read the article before passing judgement.
However….
Based solely upon the except, I find myself slightly annoyed that a woman should be exerting herself so much to make her man feel like a million bucks all the damn time. Sure, I love to make my bf feel awesome, get him a present every now and then, support him, etc, but the phrasing of the quote seems a bit like that should be a woman’s only task.
Because dammit, I can’t embody sensuality and joy all the damn time, sorry.
The link is in the first sentence where the word ‘this’ is highlighted. Sometimes it’s hard to tell with navy blue and black. But here’s the link, anyway: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-alex-benzer/why-do-the-smartest-women_b_382870.html
:)
Thanks very much :)
Ok, now that I’ve read it, I have to say that it’s not all that bad. I can absolutely agree with being proactive with love and not just waiting around for an intellectual equal to show up. I also agree with being open and loving instead of the “overseer”.
I do take a bit of an issue with the emphasis on being feminine though. I mean good god, the author is practically stuffing the “BE A SEXY PRETTY GIRLY THING YOU SMART WOMAN YOU” down the readers’ throats.
If you run around throwing blowing your own trumpet and making EVERYONE feel insecure no-one will like you at all. Modesty is a very attractive and forgotten trait.
i agree. i think when women say “oh he doesn’t like me/or wants to go on a 2nd date with me because I’m too smart” the real reason is probably because you acted like an annoying know it all bitch. i mean there is nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with being smart, and if one is then people will pick up on this. yet it is when you act superior to everyone else and make comments about “the dumb comment someone just made” that people get put off by you.
I agree with you for the most part but it might be true if there’s really a wide gap. Say you’re politically informed, interested in international affairs, and just generally educated. If you go on a date with someone who just wants to talk about American Idol and other totally trivial things that you really couldn’t care less about then it’s reasonable to say that it didn’t work out because you were smarter. It’s possible that the trivial person is more intelligent but if they’re never using their brain at all then they’re not the kind of person that someone educated and interested in life long learning is going to want to date.
I have definitely broken up with guys who were too dumb for me, but never a guy who was smarter than me.
I have broken up with a guy who acted like he was much smarter than me. But he was damned annoying.
@Rhonda.
I liked your comment and it made sense but I don’t think the problem you described really related to intelligence. To me that sounds like an issue of different interests. Yes one person could be smarter than the other but it’s difficult to measure intelligence. Plus, one persons trivia is another persons knowledge.
I know that sounds silly but I can give you an example. I’m a computer programmer. My job is to know all about computers, various programming languages, software, etc. etc. etc. That’s because I have to for my job. Something such as politics would be trivia for me because I do not apply it to every day life or my career. I know there are exceptions to this rule and I would consider each of those on a case-by-case scenario.
Just my two cents. Enjoy your day. :-)
True, my comment relates more to how smart and educated a person is rather than pure intelligence. I really just used politics as an example, I mean educated in general. If someone is educated and continually trying to better themselves then they’re probably not going to be compatible with someone who really doesn’t care about that stuff.
Intelligence isn’t nearly as important as attitude unless the gap is really wide like in the House episode a few weeks back with the genius dating the bimbo. I think a gap of about 50 IQ points is doable but once you get up to 100 points like that fictional couple you’re going to have serious compatibility issues. I suspect my hubby’s IQ is about 40-50 points lower than mine but he works hard and is constantly improving himself so he’s ahead of me in practical knowledge by this point and he makes me look like a total idiot when he starts talking computers so it’s all good :-)
40-50 points? Seriously? That’s a HUGE difference. If he’s average, then you’re declaring yourself a genius. If you’re average, that puts him into the borderline defective category.
Even if we split the difference, and call him 80 and you 120, that puts you both outside of a standard deviation, making you both rarities. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but with the average at 100, 40-50 points is immense and surprising.
He’s pretty smart and yes, I’m technically a genius. I was tested in HS. Kind of pointless since my school didn’t have any sort of gifted program at all and there was no way my mother would let me go to another school (there was a boarding school I could have gone to) but I guess it’s fun to know that I’m one in a million even if it’s not a particularly useful fact.
“If love and meaningful companionship aren’t more important to you than a project, paper, or pet, then you can skip this part entirely.
But if love really matters to you and you don’t aspire to a monastic life, put in as much time and energy into dating and romance as you do into other things you excel at.”
Um, why is that horrible sexist advice? If you want love and romance, you have to put some time into it. You’re angry angry angry all the time, and it makes every single one of your posts flat and uninteresting.
I agreed with the advice. I actually have noticed that some of my very intelligent female friends (who are admittedly still undergrads so they’re not exactly spinsters) tend to spend a lot of time on studies and do come off as angry because of stress. Not all mind you, but some.
I’m a married male (28 years and counting) – please don’t stereotype all men as being attracted by coquettish behavior. Intelligence in either gender is very sexy, especially to secure people.
As noted above, many people – male and female – tend to wrap intelligence in arrogance, which will turn anyone off, be it a romantic or professional relationship. I understand the author exaggerated the tone of their article, but if any person came into an actual relationship with this kind of attitude, they would have trouble keeping their dog faithful. :)
As a pretty well educated woman in her late 20’s who probably qualifies as one of the “target” women for this article, I totally agree with your frustration.
Why does he think he is doing us a favor by writing this book and article?
First, I hate that he defines smarts as having a degree from some great university. There’s more to a smart woman than that.
Second, I wonder if he’s considered the simple fact that smart women maybe just aren’t as willing to put up with bullshit from men at home since they see it EVERY day at school or at work.
Third, why should anyone have to change who they are, how they act just to find love. That’s a recipe for disaster, no matter who you are. Why not focus on being a happy and complete person and then let the other stuff come.
Love means never having to explain theoretical physics.
Youuuu legend you.
Ok, I know quite a few of you will jump at for what I’m going to say and call me all sorts of things.
But: I just have to wonder about that “I’m not accepting bullshit. I know exactly what I want. Why should I change? Why should I do anything differently?…”
I mean, obviously nobody should accept to be treated like shit, that’s not at all what I mean to imply.
But isn’t a relationship also about compromising and accepting the partner as he is? I mean, you as a smart woman (not adressing anyone in particular here) want to be accepted the way you are, so shouldn’t you also accept your partner? And do you really WANT a guy who’s just always listening to your commands like a dog? I mean, if you want a smart guy, don’t you expect him to have thoughts, ideas, ambitions and wishes of his own? And that the relationship is not just 100% about you and your wishes but also about him and his wishes? Isn’t it boring to just always be right?
It’s not about giving up yourself or your your personality. It’s about accepting another human being, another individual in the same way YOU would like to be accepted.
(Says the single girl with the Master’s degree, consultant job and three languages…so I might just have gotten it all wrong :P)
Three languages? Damn you Danish people…what are they?
Ahem I mean I agree. A relationship is about compromises which is the “hard work” bit of the often-repeated phrase that relationships are hard work. You always have to see what’s okay for you and what might be not and then you have to talk talk talk which at times can be a bit stressful to say the least.
Four languages here. Spain FTW lol
Hehe, I’m not Danish. I’m actually German. But after high school I moved to Denmark to go to Uni (and 7 years later I’m still here…) and so I learned Danish. So my languages are German, English and Danish (still working on adding more languages…).
Oh alrighty :-) With german, English and Danish I guess Swedish would be the next step. Personally I adore Dutch, but first I want to master my French ;)
Well, I can read and understand both Swedish and Norwegian (and they understand me, when I answer in Danish…interscandinavian communication) so I’m actually learning Spanish now :).
I speak French. It’s hard to learn but I must admit it sounds goooood. As for Spanish – I’m Spanish lol. I know what you mean by interscandinavian communication, Spaniards, Portuguese and Italians understand each other too! :)
I gave up French. Had it in high school for four years and never really was any good at it. Maybe, I’ll give it a shot again at some point but I already have decided to learn Russian as soon as my Spanish is decent :). LOVE languages and comparing languages :).
I dunno why but Spanish never really appealed to me. Looove French as well though and like I said I think Dutch is supercute.
I absolutely agree with you. My relationship with my ex was great because we’re both very smart and would stand up for ourselves. We would argue, but I would have never had it any other way. I changed a bit, and so did he, and we were very happy until we broke up. Now he’s with someone else -on the rebound, I must add-, and he’s changed completely to accommodate her needs, and I must say what I see turns me off – he’s become a puppet.
However, that is not what the original article is about. The original article is patronising and obnoxious, I have hated it from the beginning to the end. It basically asks women to change completely to accommodate men they might not even like, to start with.
Once again it all comes down to a matter of balance. Basically all men want a woman who is at least as smart as they are, all women want a man who is at least as smart as they are. People also want to be with someone who makes them feel good, who looks good, and so on.
You don’t need to fawn over someone, just compliment them occasionally and do nice things for them and be there when they need someone. You don’t need to spend hours primping, just showering, brushing your hair and teeth, and wearing decent clothes shows you care about yourself and those around you. Be smart but don’t be a know-it-all. You certainly shouldn’t be dumbing yourself down but there’s no need to crow and make people feel stupid.
I have more degrees than my husband, significantly better scores on every standardized test we’ve ever taken, and my IQ is many points higher. He makes over 4 times more money per hour at his job than I’ve ever made at any of my jobs. Do we hold those facts over each others heads? Not in the slightest. We can have intelligent discussion and respect the fact that we have our own areas of expertise. He’s more of an expert on technology, I’m more of an expert on politics and education. If we dumbed down for discussions we’d never learn.
His second point is understandable. No one wants to date mean Mommy or boss-lady. Whenever I do come home like that, I count on my boyfriend to make me smile and go from crazy academic cutthroat to awesome girlfriend. It takes two, Dr. Alex.
This sentence grates on my nerves like no other: “Give him at least as much time and energy as your spreadsheet, term paper, chihuahua or Facebook page.” We aren’t all Paris Hilton. And guess what? Sometimes that term paper is just plain ole gonna get more time because it’s due next week, and if I don’t pull a B+ on it, it’ll lower my entire GPA. So deal with it. People in a great relationship don’t NEED to be together 24/7 to make it work. They compromise and understand that the other has their own life and priorities, which, SHOCKER, don’t involve bending to your every whim.
His 4th point is just dumb. Smart women know not to marry a “good on paper” guy. And another shocker, men do that, too.
5th: Yes, women overthink, but not necessarily about “does he like me??” We aren’t 6th graders. We’re most likely thinking “Are we compatable,” “He seems to be to have a great sense of humor…” Blah, blah, blah.
At least he does leave it on a positive note, though. I definitely wouldn’t consider him a dating genius, because I’ve heard this all before, but he seems to at least have his friend’s best interests at heart. And he needs to shave that stupid patch of hair on his chin.
The original article that Dharma referenced in her post was disgusting. I agree with Jo. The author of that article has his head up his ass if he thinks was he wrote was helpful in anyway.
I, like Jo, am probably one of the women he targets in his article. I have two degrees, a professional career, and a man at home. I did all of that as an intelligent woman who stands up for herself and relies not on her ‘feminine charms’ but her brains.
Dharma is right. That article only perpetuates the stereotypes that have been shoved down women’s throats since the beginning: sit down, shut up, and look pretty.
Disgusting.
I agree with the author of the post, the article is maddening (and degrading).
Did you actually read the article? What’s degrading about it, specifically?
To me it’s been mostly how patronising it is, and how its bottom line is women shouldn’t have any standards when it comes to dating.
“If his company isn’t fulfilling, you’re probably with the wrong guy.”
That sounds like the exact opposite.
Women should NEVER feel that they have to “dumb themselves down” to find a man. There are PLENTY of men out there who want a confident, intelligent woman!
My fiance and I have roughly the same level of intelligence–mine’s a bit higher, actually, if you look only at grades and test scores. However, he has insights and practical knowledge that I don’t. We help each other and learn from each other all the time. I taught him how to properly use a semicolon; he taught me how to wrap a present nicely.
I know the article is patronising and the author seems to think he is mel gibson in what women want-
but i know that taken with a pinch of salt by the sort of women who the article is aimed at- the advice could be helpful.
It’s not aimed at people in happy relationships, so it’s no use us saying “I’m happily married with an equal” because that just proves that not taking the advice can also work out. The point as with all advice, is that it’s there for you if you are desperate for it.
I was recently on yahoo answers pissing some time away and I found a question from a girl- she said she had no offers on a dating site and wondered what was wrong with her profile. I looked over it and it was aggressive, bitter and full of pedantic ultimatums. The solution was obvious- she didn’t need to say “um, like, oh my god!!!” or mention her chihuahua- but there were simple changes in attitude that would have really made her more attractive to any man. Nothing to do with acting like men are our kings, just softening her seriously harsh attitude and letting go of the fear that if she didn’t put something intellectual in every phrase she would come off as stupid.
I know when I was a teenager and thought of myself as a genius, I was completely wrong in my approach to boys- I started getting attention not when I batted my eyelashes but when I stopped being ashamed of the more girly parts of me- basically, being myself and not caring if someone thought I was less intelligent just because I read gossip or liked the colour pink. This advice (if i had been less headstrong and taken it) could have been helpful, even if it is sexist. As an intelligent person, I know my life has been made much better by something very simple- people are going to know I’m smart by getting to know me. I don’t have to introduce myself as a genius to everyone or talk about highbrow concepts all the time to push that in their faces. It’s just that when you’re 14 and realise how sexist the world is, it’s tempting to go too far to be “the same” as men, instead of just being equal. That’s the mistake a lot of people make- we are not the same, but our value is.
I’m sorry, but its not just intelligence that needs to match – I’d rather a less intelligent person with a sense of humour than some intelligent ass who wants to talk about the Spanish Civil War over dinner. I am both intelligent and educated and I HATE talking about politics. I don’t even vote, and I am from a country where voting is compulsory!I’d rather discuss the season premier of Big Love or talk about fashion.Unless its gay marriage (for it) or abortion (against it) I don’t care.
My husband has an IQ of 136 and we talk about silly things all the time. My IQ is higher than that and if I’m relaxing, I’d rather talk about the neighbour’s 9 mutant giant cats than the event horizon.
This is why most of the people I know from law school are single – not because they work too hard, but because they are not lighthearted.
I think I’m going to quote John Green on this one
“The Venn diagram of guys who don’t like smart girls and guys you don’t want to date… is a circle.”
I find it funny how many people left comments here comparing their iqs to their partners’… and claim to be genii! Iq has been proved to be no more than a standardised test that helps indicate intelligence in a few areas- doing well at a standardised test can’t tell you if you are a genius or not.
Genius isn’t an ability to work out patterns in circles and squares.
Ladies, saying “i’m 50 points more intelligent than my boyfriend and we get along fine” makes you sound egotistical and as if you are holding one over on your boyfriend.
I suppose for anyone to believe anything I say I will have to mention how many languages I speak (3), what my IQ is (187) and what I studied in college (classics)
If someone has an iq of 80 they are probably less intelligent than someone with an iq of 120, but it doesn’t mean they are retarded. They might be unable to solve abstract puzzles but excellent at solving the same puzzles replacing symbols with numbers, or numbers with words.
I think you missed the point entirely. Nobody is holding anything over anybody. My hubby knows my IQ is way higher than his, I have more degrees, and I can read many times faster than he can. Does it bother him in the slightest? No, not at all. Why should it when it’s hardly something that comes up in daily conversation? I’m sure it would bug him if I framed my results and hung them on the wall then shot down his every argument with “I know better because I’m more intelligent” but he wouldn’t be annoyed by the intelligence, just the behavior. He finds watching me read mildly amusing but awfully handy when we need to read contracts and such or when we both want to read a book and I can get through the whole thing in a short time so he can get it.
I agree with you that IQ isn’t the most meaningful number in the world and should only be used as a general guide. However, one of the definitions of genius is simply having a high IQ. You also need to take account of events leading up to the testing. There are people who take the test out of the blue and either happen to do well because they’re good at tests or because they do the test over and over again until they get a good score. Then there are people who wind up getting tested, usually in school at some point, because they are so clearly well above average. That was the case with me, always way ahead of the curve and eventually one of my teachers told me to do the test.
I went to a school where your year grade was based on your IQ. I hated that school.
I have a high IQ but I am also the dumbest blonde I have ever met at times – IQ doesn’t take into account emotional intelligence or commonsense. It just means you are someone who has little trouble with academics.
Wasn’t trying to bignote myself – just pointing out you can be ’smart’ and still want to talk about silly things on a date.
Effing Brilliant.
I think it’s easy to be a smart woman in a relationship. The only thing is that you have to date smart (and intellectually secure) men. NOT HARD PEOPLE.
Any woman who can’t hold a man is either ugly or an insufferable cunt.
I would totally agree with that. If you are ugly you have to be nice to get anyone, and if you are an insufferable cunt you don’t deserve anyone. My husband says that all women are either crazy, slutty or bitches. I fit into the crazy catagory, and I can’t think of a single woman I know who isn’t one of those three things!
And each one is good in its own way: crazy women are fun, bitches are hot and everybody loves a slut!
any MAN who cant keep a woman also must be ugly or an insufferable cunt. Or play WOW all the time.
Haha it’s true. My bf’s roommates play wow all the time…surprisingly single. Now, if my bf didn’t stop playing when I told him he was stinky and needed to stop being lethargic he would probably be single too.
Too funny!
My son’s friend was a WOW addict, seriously.
He quit – amazingly he dropped 50 pounds!
And got a life, which now includes a girlfriend!
It could be related to table manners.
Anyone who cant eat escargo correctly is doomed to a life of celebacy.
I can do it properly, but the texture gags me.
Escargot – ick :(
escargot even.