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Dec 21, 2009 at 05:12 am by Sarah Taylor-Spangenberg
I just love articles like this. Un-e-quivocally.
The gems over at AskMen.com have penned yet another fine sample of what it is to be a singleton in today’s dank-pub society. They’ve got the formula down. I suppose many, many years of being a single man will do that to you. I fully expect to see a similar list year-end 2020. By the same dude. Without further adeiu, the List:
- She’s full of eye contact; she smiles and is generally friendly. Okay, that must seal it. She’s not a total bitch upon your first encounter, so she’s got to be unattached, right? Only the attached ones are bitches and that normally doesn’t come to light until you move your toothbrush into her bathroom. Scarrryyy! Ever hear of common courtesy, gents? Hint: “taken” women, as you so eloquently put it, can be friendly and happy and sociable too. Go figure.
- She looks at other couples with “sadness”: Okay, I totally almost peed over that one. Like, really. As in I haven’t gone to the bathroom yet this early morning and I’m sitting on the cold hearth of the fireplace while I write this and almost peed from the combination of cold stone and brute ridicule. She looks at other couples with sadness?! Yes, that definitely signals that she’s single. AM.com states that she often gazes at the couples hanging out in the pub with sadness because — what else — she so wants to be in a relationship. She’s completely and utterly lost without it. She just can’t help the overwhelming dismay; it’s almost too much to handle. Never fear, women: although you may be “longing for the days when” you were “attached”, hang on a second: this is where The Man and his Ex-Lax like moves come in.
- She’s friendly, blah blah blah, she’s friendly. Why is it that a lot of guys misconstrue a woman’s intention in discerning her friendliness as sexual interest? I mean, yeah, some people (men and women both) sending out some confusing signals, but why jump the gun automatically because a total stranger has the couth to be pleasant? What is our society coming to that every nice gesture or polite conversation must indicate that the night’ll result in raucous sex against the wall?
- She’s rollin’ with her ladies a lot and shaking it with other men. Dude, maybe she’s just lucky. Humankind today does not strictly impose a sanction stating that all women have to be with all of their men all of the time in all-encompassing places. Clue? There are individuals in what some would consider “healthy” relationships that can socialize on their own and — gasp — innocently with members of the opposite sex.
We had a story earlier this week about a woman posing as a man in order to stimulate her ratings — it worked. I’m calling BS on this one: there’s got to be a super-smart, attractive woman behind all of this hullabaloo of “spotting” a single woman; men just can’t be this authentically absurd, can they?
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You want absurd,the secret to success is sincerity,once you can fake that,you got it made.
This is ridiculous. It’s laughable. My Gosh. I remember the days when I stared longingly at happy couples just wishing that poor pitiful me could be so lucky as to be paired up with the man of my dreams. It’s nice to know that all that staring is being seen and understood.
Too bad you weren’t lucky enough for an ask men reader to have properly interpreted your longing gazes. He could’ve swept you off of your feet using other (doubtless) effective techniques learned from askmen.com.
hehe
Right?! Whatever will I do with my life? Get a job? Volunteer? Nah….I’ll just keep hoping….
I totally once knew a girl who gazed longingly at other couples.
She was dumb as a box of hair (seriously, she couldn’t even consistently spell HER OWN NAME), a compulsive liar, had an incredibly unhealthy codependent relationship with her borderline-abusive mom, and was very self-destructive and thrived on melodrama.
What a catch for the LUCKY FELLA who notices her longing stares and decides to approach. ^_^
Haha!
Haha, wow! I had a roommate exaaaaactly like that in college, only she also ate her hair. Quite literally. She’s now married to some poor, sweet guy. I feel for him.
Well I for one found this article quite informative. It totally explains why so many guys have hit on me even when I’m wearing my wedding band. It’s because I smiled and made conversation instead of scowling at them and possibly spitting in their coffee.
The only one I see that might be a little valid is the ’shaking it with other men’ point. Sure you can dance with other guys but if a girl is up close or dancing in a very sexual manner with a variety of guys then she’s probably either single or not the kind of girl you want for a long term relationship. I know I wouldn’t want to date someone who was going out clubbing and basically doing a mating dance with various strangers.
When I read that article that article,I imagined someone who maybe unhappily married and out on the town,and I’m not trying to be sexist. You could apply that behavior to any one,male or female.
Oh shit! I just read this one from the source article:
She’s a chatterbox:
If you start talking to a woman you work with, for example, and in one conversation she tells you that she has a dog named Max, does a lot of cooking, goes to the gym every week, and takes art lessons, chances are she doesn’t have a man to come home to. The two tip-offs? She has a lot of time on her hands and does a lot to keep herself busy. And she’s very open and friendly when it comes to you.
I’d previously stopped reading at “She looks at other couples with sadness” because I was laughing too hard to read further. But this is almost as good. I guess women in relationships have no time to do anything other than hang on the every word of their significant other.
Conversely if you’re not in a relationship you need to “keep yourself busy.” Wouldn’t want to spend any time sitting quietly and thinking. That could lead to severe depression when you realize you’re alone…
I feel so sorry for any man who actually reads this seeking to understand women. They will end up masturbating in their mom’s basement for the rest of their lives.
Yes, I couldn’t possibly be alone, lest I begin to THINK!!! Aaaahhhhh! Oh, the horror!!! Must keep busy, must keep busy…….
Goes to the gym every week? Does a lot of cooking? I do a lot of cooking and I go to the gym every day. It doesn’t mean I’m single, it means I’m an overweight housewife.
You just cracks me up, Rhonda.
Seriously.
I snort laughed.
Uck. I have a boyfriend, and I sure as hell a) have hobbies, and b) take care of my body. Interestingly enough, those are two of the reasons he seems to like me. I wonder where all these guys are who like boring girls who don’t take care of themselves? Cause girls like that, IME, don’t have boyfriends….though judging from the article, I’m sure there’s a bunch of them chained to a stove someplace wearing a chain mail bikini and baking cookies.
The most absurd thing about this article is the author.
Heidi Muller.
For real?
Men are so stupid. They think any woman who acts remotely friendly to them is advertising for sex but if you act standoffish to avoid that they think you’re a dyke or a total bitch with mental problems. WTF?
This article was completely asinine (but then again, so is much of the content on AskMen.com).
“She’s friendly and she has hobbies–OBVIOUSLY she’s single!” That sounds like a child’s reasoning.
Don’t you know women abandon their life when they have men? (sarcasm)
What about those women in bad relationships who look at happy couples with sadness over what they don’t have? A friend of mine used to do that all the time, does that still count?
See, they DO have a point. Single girls at a bar are probably much more likely to flirt. However, the vital flaw is, they don’t explain the difference between ‘flirting’ and ‘merely being sociable.’ And regardless of whether I am attached or not, staring longingly at couples doesn’t seem to happen much….
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