iPhone Apps for “Dating and Mating”

Ah, we’ve come one step closer to being total Cylons. From The LA Times tech blog:

Want to put a pillow on your relationship and smother it? Or maybe hit an extended snooze on that incessant biological clock? Hey, there’s an app for that.

Cute, right? Times writer Michelle Maltais is referring iPhone apps called “Girlfriend Keeper” (99 cents) and “Baby Builder” ($1.99).

Let’s start with “Girlfriend Keeper.” In what ways can it make your life easier, more free from human emotion and confusion?:

You set up the app to send generically customized texts or e-mails (or both) to your special person, at least nominally from you. Now, “playas,” hold up. It is set up for one at a time, so don’t count on managing your romantic rundown in this app. Although, I suppose you could keep one on autopilot with this and really woo another. There’s a history of communication in the app, so you can track the love notes “you” sent.

You can set the frequency of messages and “relationship level” — strangers, casual dating, heating up, serious or married.

The major downside of this one — besides the fact that you can’t juggle multiple hook-ups with it — is that emails sent from the app have this return address: no-reply@girlfriendapp.com. Hahaha.

What soulless machines need this thing? I mean, if you’re not thinking of someone enough to contact her this much, why bother? If it’s ultimately about sex, there are dolls for that. And if you’re relationship status is strangers or casual dating, isn’t the occasional booty-text enough? After all, how can the app know when you’re really hard-up for lovin?

Part of me gets it: I need reminders to keep in touch with people, to make sure they know they’re special to me. But that’s what datebooks and post-its and other apps are for.

While I hate the idea of pre-written, impersonal messages, I suppose this decreases your chance of sending a typo-ridden message. But eventually, if you do have bad grammar, I think your lady’s going to crack the case.

The fact that you never actually call her might help, too.

Behind door number two: “Baby Builder,” which Maltais touts as the perfect revenge tool when you discover your soulless machine of a boyfriend has been using an iPhone app to perpetuate your relationship. (I think the same scary prank was pulled as effectively with Photoshop in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.) Here’s how you build-a-baby:

The babies are supposedly based on key features from pictures you upload, whether it’s you and your SO or random people or celebrities. The tykes can come in four popular ethnic flavors: Caucasian, Asian, Latin and black, pulling on “classic” or slightly generic and stereotypical features to make that radical shift…

Babies can be shifted among the four listed ethnicities and get different eye colors and hair options. And you can even name and save your little darling for later. You can share the blessed news and picture of your iBaby via e-mail, Facebook, Twitter or Flickr.

Though the Times writer said some of the pictures she came up with were enough to “scared [her] ovaries into a witness protection program,” the app sounds like it could possibly be pretty fun for non-revenge purposes:

For giggles, I uploaded photos of Jay Leno (sorry, Mavis), President Obama (sorry, Michelle) and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (I’m so not sorry). The Leno and Obama babies looked exactly the same. I’m rather fond of the Rock Abbye Baby, even if it did have a Talking Tina vibe.

I swear the kid said, “I’m ugly like my daddy,” after puking. (No, its head didn’t spin — yet.) The creature also said, “I’m beautiful like my mama,” and then declared it had a “poopy,” complete with sound effect.

Sooo … go wild, kids! And if these two apps don’t sound like winners, I’d love to hear about a few that do rock your socks.

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