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Last week, Newsweek reported on the growing trend of polyamory relationships in our country. Careful, readers, it’s polyamory and not polygamy. Apparently, there are actual, non-legal differences (all of which, I think, are attenuated- but that’s up to you to decide). Polygamy is the practice of legally having more than one spouse simultaneously. In contrast, those in a polyamory family engage in loving, intimate relationships with more than one person—based upon the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.
The polyamorous family in the article is centered around one woman: 41-year-old Terisa Greenan.
“Twelve years ago, she started dating Scott, a writer and classical-album merchant. A couple years later, Scott introduced her to Larry…and the two quickly fell in love, with Scott’s assent. The three have been living together for a decade now, but continue to date others casually on the side. Recently, Terisa decided to add Matt, a London transplant to Seattle, to the mix. Matt’s wife, Vera, was OK with that; soon, she was dating Terisa’s husband, Larry. If Scott starts feeling neglected, he can call the woman he’s been dating casually on the side.”
It’s difficult to conceive the notion of a polyamorous family without the words ‘BIG FAT ORGY’ coming into mind, but this group insists that they only sleep with one person at each given moment and only with the opposite sex. Although, the same cannot be said of other polyamorous clusters. The article continues to explain that being in a polyamorous relationship requires that everybody’s needs are met.
Fair enough— I have nothing against orgies or homosexuals. But doesn’t the idea of wanting to satisfy all of your needs constitute as being selfish? Technically, if every time I feel dissatisfied in any area (sexually or emotionally), I am free to add another person to my clusterfuck of love.
For a moment, the idea of polyamory does sound enticing. I keep thinking about all my failed relationships and how I truly loved each person at one given point in time. How awesome would it be if I could have all those relationships now, simultaneously? Essentially, we will never get into an argument because the moment one of us gets even a bit irritated, we can just flock to our next lover. After all, the reason we fight with our partner is because she or he is doing something that is not up to par with what we want or need. Instead, in a polyamorous relationship we can have someone else fulfill that need for us.
But in reality, a polyamorous is something I will never truly want or be happy in. Call me a traditional or romantic fool, but I still believe in the one-for-one deal; that one person can be completely and absolutely committed to one other person.
So, what was the essential difference between practicing polygamy and participating in polyamory?
“…in truth, the community has a decidedly feminist bent: women have been central to its creation, and “gender equality” is a publicly recognized tenet of the practice. Terisa herself is proof of that proposition, as the center of her cluster.”
True, but what happens if it’s the man who wants to have multiple-partners? Take away the legality aspect of it all, is polyamory that much different than polygamy? More importantly, perhaps, is polyamory love the essence of selfless love?
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For the most part it really doesn’t concern me who sleeps with who but I just can’t get behind polyamory. Anyone who can’t have their sexual needs met with one partner and their own fingers has an issue. I know someone who says she’s bi-sexual and needs to have a man and a woman on the go at any given time and they usually know about each other. Um no, bi-sexual just means that you will sleep with men or women but you can still make the choice at any given time!
What is the point of being in a relationship if your going to be screwing others anyways? Why not just stay single and mingle your bodily fluids with anyone you happen to get googly eyes for? To each his/her own, but it really makes my skin crawl thinking about all the spit and other bodily fluids these people are sharing.
I agree! Polyamory really is disgusting, and it demeans the value of a loving “one on one” relationship.
How can somebody having a polyamorous relationship demean a “one on one” relationship?
It makes it seem as though a two-person relationship is not fulfilling and committing yourself to one other person is somehow not enough to satisfy, which is a little mind boggling to me. I agree with Amy when she says polyamory is also a bit selfish. It’s all about needing to satisfy your desires, regardless of how the other people involved feel. There’s always going to be jealousy, and as anyone can imagine, that isn’t even the beginning of the cons of this lifestyle. Call me old-fashioned, but I believe in a two person only relationship.
Monica, it’s not about being selfish or jealous. It’s about love. PolyAMORy. The whole point of the polyamorous relationship is that it’s consensual. No one is being forced to stick around. It’s about love, and coming together. Not jealousy and selfishness.
I think a two person relationship is what works best for me, and probably most people.
I just don’t believe anybody else’s relationship has the power to demean my one on one relationship.
I also don’t think swingers or polygamists do anything to demean two person relationships.
They’re just different relationships for different people.
Alright, it’s just my humble opinion, no need to make such a big deal out of it.
“Alright, it’s just my humble opinion, no need to make such a big deal out of it.”
Your original comment bugged me, but deflecting it as “just your opinion” really got under my skin. Enough to make me comment, apparently.
To claim that polyamory demeans a “loving” (polyamory can’t be loving?) monogamous relationship is akin to saying that homosexuality demeans heterosexuality, and both of those claims are deeply offensive. The way other people love has absolutely nothing to do with the way you or anyone else loves.
Maybe you can’t relate to polyamory, and that’s fine. But just because you can’t relate to it does not make it inferior, and it does not make it a threat.
I am not polyamorous; not because I think it is wrong or gross or deserving of judgement, but just because it’s not for me. There is no “right way” to love. And I trust other, consenting adults to make the right decisions for themselves, as I have been able to make the right decisions for myself.
I don’t understand why anybody would live like that.
The idea of being with people other than my fiance literally makes me sick to my stomach. It’s absurd! I love him and only him–why would I want or need anybody else?
It’s possible to love more than one person at the time. Often people are conflicted because they love more than one person and are forced to choose, which leaves no one happy. I like the idea of Polyamory, it seems more honest and natural to human beings than monogamy. It’s not about sex, it’s about love.
I disagree. No matter what the circumstances, I would feel terribly betrayed if my fiance were to have another lover. And I feel it would the mark of ultimate disrespect tot he man I love if I were to take another lover.
My heart only has room for one, and I love that one with everything I’ve got.
*BE the mark…
*to the
Ugh…..typos…
But other people are capable of feeling differently. I think that’s the point she was trying to make.
I’m also someone who doesn’t really care about what others do in their sexual lives (and would generally prefer not to hear about it), but the question of whether this is a reflection of selfless love is interesting.
I guess my answer is in some few cases yes, in most cases it is a direct result of selfishness instead. Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we feel irked with our partners we simply move on to the next one without guilt? I’m sure these situations are worked out in polyamorous relationships involving people who are already extremely mature and dedicated to each other, but in my experience most people aren’t mature enough to handle the complications of being with one other person, much less multiple.
My opinion is also tinged unfortunately by the fact that everyone I’ve known in a polyamorous situation has always gravitated to one of the partners and wished to be exclusively with them, and end up with severe jealousy issues compounded by guilt at said jealousy because it conflicts with their philosophical ideal of a multi-partner loving relationship. IE – They are massively f-ed up in the head.
Sounds like a lot of work and a recipe for drama.
i agree with lori, it does sound like alot of work and a potential to get ugly. but as long as everyone is of legal age and consenting i don’t care who sleeps with who. polyamory wouldn’t work for me, though, for two reasons: 1) i love mr. snapdragon too much to share him and 2) i am way too lazy to deal with more than one person at a time.
The thought of negotiating all those partnerships made me want to take a little nap.
I like the idea of polygamy. Actual polygamy, not polygyny, which is the way it’s usually practiced. I’ve never understood the idea of marrying lots of people and then sleeping alone.
But the idea of having multiple spouses all involved in raising children and taking care of the home is nice.
Unfortunately, I can’t imagine it ever actually being successful in practice.
Polyamory seems to encompass all of the difficulties of polygamy with none of the commitment required to make something like that work. Recipe for disaster.
Having an extra wife around is awesome. I took my son to visit a friend for a couple of weeks when our kids were both around 24 months. I did most of the cooking, she did most of the cleaning and there was always one of us available to watch the kids. Couldn’t do it long term but it was great for a couple of weeks!
did she sleep with hubby,too?yours not hers.
Well he wasn’t even in the state and he’s not her type so really no.
We did actually joke about me taking over the wifely duty. Totally kidding naturally, never would have actually done it. She was on medication that totally took away her sex drive so the poor guy wasn’t getting any. ;-)
That sounds awesome. I’m a cooker and my best friend is a cleaner. That’s how it would be with us.
And to answer Suzanne’s question, I personally wouldn’t have a problem if my husband and my best friend had sex. She’s the only person I’m not at all jealous of. Just as long as I’m not sleeping alone.
I know someone that is in a polyamorous relationship. It works a lot better than you’d think.
I would think it would work :)
These people sound like a bunch of horny bastards. It’s like the plot to a porn movie.
My criticism of this subject lies within the boundaries of human biology,emotion and bonding.It is a rare person that can couple sexual while being devoid of any need to bond.(even if they protest this on theoretical basis)Egos,jealousies and favoritism will abound.And the result will be no different from any other Gecko-Roman tragedy or Shakespearean play.
My mind is boggling at the idea of a gecko-roman tragedy. The image of a small lizard driving a chariot is gonna be hard to shake…
i am thinking of the geico lizard in a remake of ben-hur. ahhh, gotta love the typos!
Me too!
The concept sounds interesting but I couldn’t do it. It would break my heart if I knew I was expected to share my hubby with another woman. I would like to think it would break his heart too, but I know he would joke that he would be open to the idea.
The physical want might be there but I think there would a lack of emotional bonds between these people. What if one of them got pregnant? I would hate to think the only way to determine who the father was through a DNA test.
http://www.chattertonguegossip.com
This is just a replay of the old Swinging Sixties, and news flash to you younger Zeldaites, it didn’t work then (for long). People are people and they get jealous, paranoid, etc., and all that intellectualizing does not change what we feel, like it or not.
Not quite. This isn’t really free love. Most polyamorous relationships are committed like a monogamous relationship only with more than two partners. The open relationship aspect of some relationships is somewhat related but it’s possible to have a two person relationship that’s open like that too.
You are so right.
Let’s not forget it’s grossly unfair to the kids. All that confusion of people coming and going is unhealthy for them.
What if they don’t have kids?
If only I could find some men, and a few hot women, to agree to a relationship like this….
Whatever floats your boat. I don’t think it’s inherently hurting anyone. As long as everyone is consenting and of age and not brainwashed, good for them.
Hahaha! The truth be spoken……….
I dont think I have enough energy for more than one partner at a time, but hey, if it works for someone, Im totally cool about it! (not my partner though…)
Men with several wives has been around as long as history has been written. So now polygamy has new variations and is now less acceptable in most places. Maybe it’s the rise of women than caused that. Women didn’t like to be 1 of many and their crappy husbands didn’t help. I’m just saying that the idea is nothing new, nor has any history of being doomed to failure.
Anyway I never really thought seriously about polygamy before, and have only known it as some foreign thing. Here, I’ve only heard of 1 set of 3 gay guys doing it, and it’s been going on for a few years now. I myself was married for 4 years, and the whole relationship lasted 13 years, and not once did I ever consider a 2nd women. But while planning for kids and finances, there never seemed to be enough time for it all, and something felt wrong about that. Now I’m divorced and dating, and searching for the perfect person for me seems like an impossible mission, but if I could mix and match I’d be perfectly happy. So instead, I’ve run in my head, the what ifs, and I see all the things mentioned here, and I’m starting to think it’s not so bad. For starters both kids and finances wouldn’t have to be skimped in one way or another. What I mean by that is that people tend to chose work and less time with kids, or lots of time with kids and making less. The biggest drawbacks would certainly be jealousy, and the lack of making it all legal. If you can get past those drawbacks, and seriously try to make it work, I’m thinking it could be very good. Maybe it is selfish in a way, but I certainly am not talking about an open relationship which is much more selfish, I mean committed with shared responsibilities as a family.
I haven’t made any decisions yet, since jealousy can be very hard to overcome, but I’m keeping my mind open, and no longer think it’s a crazy thing, since it can be very practical if you look beyond the sex part.