As A Woman, I Totally Relate To This Cucumber-Sex Toy Joke

Show of hands: How many of you ladies out there are masturbating with cucumbers? Like, pretty much all of you, right? Sara’s Secret, a sex shop in Texas, seems to think that “thousands” of women are flickin’ the bean with the aid of a cuke each day. (Am I out of the loop? What happened to using your hands?) Sure, the commercial is basically a cute joke, made by an ad agency to develop “buzz” and go “viral” and all that annoying new media babble that I don’t understand because I read my internet through a computer from 1987, but are there actually people out there who get off with vegetables? I mean, I love gardening and vegetables and all but just…no. Oh God, no. And then, after this disgusting woman is done “abusing” (veiled rape jokes, ha ha?) this cucumber she just leaves her sex instrument in her bed and goes to sleep like some sort of garbage human? What?! I think Sara’s Secrets needs to give this gal a pep talk on how to clean up after herself. The vegetables-in-her-vagina is kind of just the beginning of her problems.

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76 thoughts on “As A Woman, I Totally Relate To This Cucumber-Sex Toy Joke

  1. I’ve heard jokes for years about women using cucumbers when they felt like getting their rocks off, I’ve never met any, but have heard about it non the less… Mostly it’s been in jest and the commercial is obviously playing off that. I think it’s cute, funny and just a bit clever. I like it.

  2. Oh this reminds me of a joke I onced heard from some ancient queen in a piano lounge:

    A young gay man (this is the part where he tried to cruise me) walks into a grocery store and asks if there are any large fresh cucumbers in stock.

    The grocer asks him if he wants it sliced, to which the young man replies, “What do you think I am, a slot machine?”

  3. Oh my dear. There are a lot of people who DO use food to “flick the bean”. There’s a whole fetish based around it. No, it’s obviously not for you, but it is for some people.

    Try looking up “figging” some time.

  4. I have used vegetable to masturbate, though I’ve never climaxed from it because I need a bathtub faucet or vibrator to orgasm. I get the impression that it’s perfectly normal to use cucumbers and such as dildos, considering how many people are aware of the idea.

  5. Maybe I’m in the minority here, but I’ve never opened my fridge and thought, “Hm, what looks good to stick up my vagina tonight?”

  6. I can see the appeal, the cucumber is pretty much a natural dildo in design, it even has a smooth, almost slimy skin, especially when wet.
    If a woman wants a sex toy and does not want the embarrasment of buying a dildo , as to a lot there is still a stigma to buying such a thing, and having 1 hid about the house incase some 1 finds it.
    But buying a cucumber, and always having 1 in the fridge, well what is odd about that if some1 sees it, women( in stereotype ) are always on diets / trying to eat healthy.Also they are cheap and come in all sizes for how she is feeling
    I can see the appeal, like a lot of guys use a melon with a hole cut in over a fleshlight or some such for the same reason.

    • you can order sex toys online too. I could give a shit how many people know I have a vibrate. I’d use a cucumber if it VRRRRRRRRRRRRed too I guess.

      • I know but a lot still do not.
        As of the post office finding out what it is, also of having it around the house to be found.
        I once had a girfriend who freaked and split my lip over finding hers.
        Heck a lot of peeps do not like to admit they have sex. let alone using sex toys.

    • Um…WTF???…”I can see the appeal, like a lot of guys use a melon with a hole cut in over a fleshlight or some such for the same reason.”

      A lot of guys fuck melons?? Maybe just YOUR guy?

      • I have no problem with my sexuality, not ashamed of it. Humans are sexual animals.
        Never used a melon, but if I wanted a sex toy I would buy a Fleshlight . Heck it is rated by I believe Cosmo that that is 1 of the 5 things a girl wants a guy to own, as it helps a guy learn to control, and extend his sexual performance.
        And the melon thing is common( it is the new apple pie– that did get popular after the American Pie movie) , maybe you are just sexually repressed, the kind of guy who snickers when he sees a woman eating a banana in public, and If you are will probably be doing the same over women buying cuecumbers now
        And anyhoots if you are a prude ,this article/ forum posts is about women using cuecumbers as sex toys, why is a guy using a melon any worse than that.

  7. Vegetables are popular in other cultures where didldos, vibrators, etc. aren’t readily available for women to purchase. : )

  8. I often talk shop (sex) with my friends, as I’m sure we all do. Three of my closest female friends admitted one day to using cucumbers. One girl started it, and then the other two admitted to it as well. They LOVED it. They said that for a starting masterbator, the base toys you’d want to buy are a pocket rocket for the clit, and traditional vibrator for the vadge, and although you experiment with them individually, normally after you warm up to them you use them together. But with cucumbers nothing else was needed.
    After that, when I became friends with a chick and we’d get into the sex talks, I’d bring up cucumbers. I’ve gotten two other chicks to try it, and just got a third one this week. They REALLY don’t complain.
    Don’t get hung up on stigma and social morality. Sex and orgasms aren’t a moral high-ground. The Church says masturbation itself is a sin, and we as grown ups know better. It’s a necessity as human beings. What do you think we used before the rise of the sex-toy population from the 60′s? You think chicks always used their hands? We find things that work. Cucumbers are naturally lubed, and as stated by someone earlier, can be sized to preference, and don’t cause commotion. They are fantastic.
    The original three chicks who educated me said they’d peel the whole thing. One of the chicks I”ve introduced it to had modified it to leave enough peel as a “handle” or else if you really get vigorous it becomes slippery.
    I’m telling you, don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. They say it’s not as convenient as a normal toy, but it feels just as good if not better, and it IS clean. And edible, if you like how you taste.

  9. Damn tired of hearing this all week on the news. Her parents are political factors in the world.. not her..Looks like he chose brains over beauty that’s for sure and whatever else he can get out of this relationship, however I’m sure Chelsea is a very nice girl. No doubt he’ll end up with some top-notched position somewhere making a 7 figure salary with the help of his in-laws of course. Just keepin’ it real.

  10. This is the primary reason I don’t eat salads at other people’s houses. I’ve had friends admit to me they use/used them and returned them to the fridge only to find out later they were either used by someone else (for food) or they forgot and ended up in a salad.

    That and the whole propensity to get an infection goes THROUGH THE ROOF when you start inserting organic matter.

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  12. 20+ years ago in college I was playing in an “I Never” game. There were 6 girls and they all drank when one of them said: I have never masturbated with a cucumber.. Jusy sayin.

    (Rules of “I Never” if you don’t know… Someone says something they have never done and everyone who has done that takes a drink. )

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