Show of hands: How many of you ladies out there are masturbating with cucumbers? Like, pretty much all of you, right? Sara’s Secret, a sex shop in Texas, seems to think that “thousands” of women are flickin’ the bean with the aid of a cuke each day. (Am I out of the loop? What happened to using your hands?) Sure, the commercial is basically a cute joke, made by an ad agency to develop “buzz” and go “viral” and all that annoying new media babble that I don’t understand because I read my internet through a computer from 1987, but are there actually people out there who get off with vegetables? I mean, I love gardening and vegetables and all but just…no. Oh God, no. And then, after this disgusting woman is done “abusing” (veiled rape jokes, ha ha?) this cucumber she just leaves her sex instrument in her bed and goes to sleep like some sort of garbage human? What?! I think Sara’s Secrets needs to give this gal a pep talk on how to clean up after herself. The vegetables-in-her-vagina is kind of just the beginning of her problems.