He Smacked Her Ass, and She Liked It

spanking

It’s hard out here for a feminist. We spend all day kicking ass and taking names, and at night if we feel the slightest sub impulse, the desire to just hand over the reins for an hour or so, we second-guess our urges.

Such was the case for Jessica Wakeman of TheFrisky.com, who recently elaborated on how her penchant for the paddle jibed with her feminist worldview.

Like the nebulous feminist character I described in the first paragraph, Wakeman was one driven D.O.B. (That’s daughter of a bitch, natch.) She was working on a women’s studies minor, publishing a feminist newspaper column, and she was president of her campus National Organization for Women chapter.

After years of playful spankings that often led to, ahem, more, Wakeman acknowledged her fetish. But not without some hang-ups. It wasn’t that she bought into that old adage, “If he hits you in jest, he’ll hit you for real,” or that she felt guilty for finding pleasure in a smack when so many women worldwide are the victims of domestic abuse. Wakeman “felt conflicted about giving up her physical power.” She thought “spanking wasn’t something an independent and opinionated woman should enjoy.” We don’t just bend over and take it!

Wakeman finally met a man who helped her along in her journey to accepting her spanking kink, but their bliss was short-lived. When that relationship wen the way of the Dodo, Wakeman sought the aid of a therapist to come to terms with her fetish. Unfortunately, this therapist also had some hang-ups: Namely, she couldn’t look beyond childhood and oedipal issues that didn’t actually enter in to Wakeman’s situation.

In actuality, being dominated is a perfectly natural — although sometimes paradoxical — component of what lights a woman’s fire. I regularly quote a New York Times magazine piece that ran in January titled “What Do Women Want?” in which sexologist Marta Meana identifies the “dilemma” of female desire: “Women want to be thrown up against a wall but not truly endangered. Women want a caveman and caring.”

The same article also engages the subject of “rape fantasies.”  Of course, what women are really looking for in these scenarios is  not rape, but to feel they are the objects of unstoppable desire. Simultaneously, they want to feel safe enough to acquiesce and get swept into the midbrain for awhile.

At the risk of dishing out TMI, I myself found the road to enjoying a spanking a difficult one. I was in a relationship with someone who really loved it, but seemed to purely for his own satisfaction. There was no communication involved, I never asked for it, and he didn’t seem to be listening to my body in a way that good, generous, fun lovers do. As a result, I never felt safe enough to let my guard down and enjoy it.

Fortunately, down the line I ended up dating someone who was incredibly attentive and open-minded, who made me feel safe, and our dynamic was such that we fed off what gave the other person pleasure. It was a sort of kink-exchange, if you will. We both agree that nothing is sexier or more feminist than a woman asking for — and getting — what she wants in the sack.

That’s the sort of happy conclusion Wakeman came to for herself:

“Even though my sex life is the best it has ever been, it’s more important to me that I’ve figured out how I define my feminism for myself. The thrills of a dom/sub relationship might not work for other women and men who use the same “feminist” label that I do, but I’m not worrying about them anymore. I know I can enjoy a bedroom dynamic which, outside the bedroom, wouldn’t be acceptable. And I can still call myself a feminist.”

Now, if you’re into spanking as part of a greater role-playing fantasy — or you’re a lady who wants to try – but you feel the need for a clearer line between when he’s allowed to dominate you and when he’s not, Dan Savage offered a word of advice to a feminists/domestic-discipline enthusiasts in his column Savage Love:

“Get a necklace … that you wear only when you want the boyfriend to take charge. You decide when that necklace goes on, you decide when it comes off, which puts you in control, paradoxically, of your own submission.

When you’re wearing it, you’re BETTY CROCKER (whoever she is) and the boyfriend has your consent to order you about, spank your ass, and fuck you senseless. When it’s off, you’re equals. Easy!”



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18 thoughts on “He Smacked Her Ass, and She Liked It

  1. I agree 100% that sometimes it comes down to pure animal desire. I want to get tossed a little because it signifies an unbridled, uncontrollable NEED to have me.

    And that’s hot.

    And probably very narcissistic.

    Besides, there’s something more important that you touch upon in this article than the desire for spanking, which is “What is Feminism?” And frankly, I know what it’s not, which is someone telling me I’m not a feminist just because I haven’t burned my bra or I shave my legs.

    Being a feminist should be about supporting your fellow woman! It’s about pushing for equality! And the right to do whatever we want!

    • I think of it as choices as opposed to “equality”. Equality on certain things like pay and such but I don’t see how men and women can ever really be equal with genetics and all you know? And quite frankly I’m not sure I like the idea of total equality, I do enjoy the little perks of being female like having a date pay for dinner and such.

      Now with the spanking…lol….love the title of this piece. Cute.

      • A lot of people have difficulty with the idea that men and women can be equally important without having the same roles. I know a lot of people who think it’s totally backward for a woman to be a housewife and SAHM but that’s crap. Standing up and saying “I’m a woman, this is my place in the world and I own that” is way more empowering than saying “I want to join the Marines (or whatever supposed barrier they’re trying to break) because guys are allowed to.” Being a great woman does not mean trying to be a man; it means finding your place in the world and doing a great job.

  2. It may not necessarily be a feminist thing though. It’s just feeling like you’re disappointing all the people who have higher expectations of you, not just in this sort of situation or just this gender. If a 6’5″ straight bull-riding redneck man has an incredible desire for his girl to stick some fingers in his ass during play, he might feel guilty about it and resent himself for wanting it, too.

  3. ugh statements like “dilemma of feminist desire” are so problematic, especially when paired with that paragraph on “rape fantasies”. It makes women’s sexual wants sound universal.
    Also, I think it would be a good idea to emphasize how awful the term “rape fantasy” is. Also, completely oxymoronic if you’re actually going to look at the definition of rape and take it seriously.

    • And yet some women have rape fantasies, including myself. I would never actually want to get raped, but something in my subconscious apparently thinks it’s hot. Can’t explain it.

      • Because in your subconscious the man looks like Brad Pitt and leaves Angie for you. In real life it’s gross.

  4. as long as everyone involved is a consenting adult who cares if she likes a little spank in the bedroom? i’m sure she’s not the only one.

  5. ashley, this was such a great piece. i at least glance at everything posted on zeldalily, but rarely have i found one article i read so completely. AMAZING. it raised a thousand different points for me and has given me much to think about.

  6. “In general, I’m tired of “feminist” being used as a blanket qualifier to mean “awesome”, especially when it comes to the concept of feminist porn. I think “awesome” works just fine as a qualifier for awesome. I seek to advance the idea the first person in any debate to propose that their position is correct because it’s the most “feminist” has hereby lost the argument. I have been guilty of this one plenty of times in the past, but I can learn from my mistakes.”

    http://www.feminisnt.com/

    • Um, thanks for quoting me, Anonymous? This popped up in my Google Alerts for my domain, but I wanted to say that I, as that blog’s author, wasn’t doing a drive-by-spamming/trolling.

      Nice original post, though. I’m a “medium-kinky” switch, and now is the first time I’ve had a truly kick-ass relationship with a dominant man. My very first, as a teenager, was a non-consensually physically abusive relationship, and the second, a year ago, with with a guy who was way too alpha and condescending outside the bedroom. (I have no desire to be a slave or in a 24/7 power exchange with anyone.) It’s pretty great to finally found the porridge that’s just right in terms of physical and psychological dynamics in the bedroom with someone who’s a respectful equal at all other times.

      • Agreed, and congratulations! I have found the same…or at least the same happiness. We have many intense moments, some of them kinky and some of them romantic.

        He’s never asked me to call him Master…but I as a joke I call him Master Right, because he is the perfect balance of dominant lover and vanilla partner.

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