Bitchy Q’s: Wherein All Roommate Woes Are Solved By Pooping In Their Bed

Roommates are just the worst, aren’t they? Nothing can bring out the drama of high school years gone by like living in close quarters with a psychotic roommate that you found off Craigslist. I once had a roommate that would blame me for the smallest amount of dirt caused by our male roommate because she had decided that since I was female I should be cleaning after our male roommate. (And when I snapped back that since she was both female and old she should be cleaning after all of us she got pretty upset! Oh the ageism of my salad days.) Anyways, it is time again for Bitchy Q’s, our sometime advice column for dealing with all your sticky social problems. This time we are tackling roommate problems and finding that the best way to deal with these situations is using an old urban myth.

Dear Bitchy Q’s,

I live in a house with four other people. All of my roommates are laid back except for one. She has proved herself to be a total nightmare. She frequently flies off the handle about irrational things, she makes loud bitchy comments about the rest of us when we are within earshot, she embarrasses us in front of our friends and she accuses us of stealing her things. We only have another month or so of living like this, but it is getting to the point when the rest of us don’t leave our rooms all that much for fear of ‘awakening the beast.’ I don’t know what I can do because any confrontation will inevitably exacerbate things. Help!

- English Girl with a Big Problemo!

Dear English Girl,

Sounds like you are living with a big bully. But you probably already realized that.

Bullies really thrive on controlling others. Avoiding her and keeping to yourself in your room is only giving this bully more power. And why would you want her to have power over the way you live your life? This is why it is important to be assertive (perhaps even bitchy) when faced with a bully. And since you only have a month left of living with her, who cares if you have to have an uncomfortable conversation with her? I would talk to your roommates about the situation as well since knowing that they are on your side might give you a bit more confidence when dealing with this psycho. Try to be calm when you confront her about her behavior (you don’t want her to be pooping in your bed for revenge) but don’t act passive. The point of confronting her is not to give her what may be coming to her but to resolve your living situation where all your roommates can live together like normal, functioning adults. She may get defensive, but just remember that you have every right to not have to live with a bully.

And if none of that works, you can always poop in her bed.

After the jump, read about more roommate woes!

Dear Bitchy Q’s,

I have two roommates. One is awesome, one is not. The fail roommate leaves dirty dishes strewn about the house, sink and in her room. The dishes are MINE but I let everyone use them. I’ve written her notes asking her daily to do dishes but she always gets defensive and says that her boyfriend used to do the dishes for her and she doesn’t know how to do them. She is also just generally irresponsible–she is late on rent and bills and forgets to lock doors.The problem is that she is the step-sister of my other roommate, who is my friend, so it isn’t like I can break our lease. I can’t keep dealing with this, what should I do?

- Sick Of Living In Squalor

Dear Sick,

Let me get this straight: an adult woman does not know how to wash dishes and generally take care of herself and her house? Did she grow up on some bizzaro Earth where no one ever had any responsibilities?

Luckily, doing dishes isn’t like mastering the guitar or becoming an Olympic swimmer, it is a fairly easy to skill to learn. So, the next time you confront her about dishes and she complains about not knowing how to do them, I would march her over to the sink and show her how it is done. Take your time because it sounds like this one might be a little slow. After that, if you ever notice dirty dishes in the sink I would go up to her and ask her if she had washed her dishes. Do this every time you notice dirty dishes in the sink or around the house. If she says she doesn’t have time to do them at the moment, tell her she will have to do them eventually. Be relentless in asking her to wash her dishes so that she will eventually end up huddled into a ball on the floor, whispering to herself, “must do dishes….must do dishes…must do dishes.” The same goes for the late bills and doors. Always, always, always remind her when you notice her slipping. Eventually she will go on the path to maturity.

And if this doesn’t work you can always poop in her bed.

Dear Bitchy Q’s,

I have a housemate who is moving out in 5 weeks. We didn’t know each other when we moved in together, but we developed a friendship.

After 6 months we both met our current boyfriends. Obviously we both changed after that and I didn’t like the person she was changing into so I started to withdraw my friendship.

Now that she is moving out she told me what she thinks of me since I stopped being her friend. There was a bit of back and forth and now she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, which is really OK. However, she recently left me a note calling me a thief and accused me of stealing two books she was missing. One of the books I definitely borrowed, so I am buying her a replacement but I never borrowed the other one she claims is missing. Should I still buy her a replacement for that book or should I leave her a note telling her I never borrowed it? I’m a bit torn and mad of being accused of being a thief. I can’t wait for all the drama and tension to be over–it’s doing my head in!

- Torn

Dear Torn,

It sounds like your soon-to-be-ex roommate is accusing you of being a thief because she is still dealing with her anger over you ending your friendship with her. It is understandable that she might be upset over losing you as a friend, however friendships do end sometimes, even if you don’t want them to.

I wouldn’t buy her a replacement book for the book you never borrowed but I wouldn’t write her a note. Instead, I would talk to her directly about it and tell her that you never borrowed it. This might be better than writing a note because notes and emails can often sound confrontational and they don’t open up for conversation. It might give her a chance to talk more about her own anger over the loss of your friendship and it might give you a chance to tell her how you felt. She shouldn’t be accusing you of being a thief just because she is mad at you and you shouldn’t have to act like a punished thief just because you feel bad for her. Getting out of awkward situations like this can be tricky, so just keep that in mind and remember that she will soon be out of your house.

And if none of this works, you can always poop on her bed.

Got a question that needs answering? Send it to Bitchy Q’s! Email Maria-Mercedes your question at maria-mercedes@zeldalily.com with “Bitchy Q’s” in the subject line. No names will ever be used.

Note: Questions have been shortened for length.

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