Feature
- Do You Hate Your Partner, Too?
- California Teen Avoids Heavy Sentencing by Passing the Buck
- Wanna Buy Your Teenager a Padded Push-Up Bra?
- Vampires in Texas!
- These Guys Are As Bad As Westboro Baptist Church
- Funny Letters Sent to Women's Magazines
- Women's Ski Jumping: Still Not a 'Real' Sport
- Will the World Be Pro-Choice Soon?
- Are We Getting Too Lazy to Even Divorce?
- Forever 21's Maternity Line: Glamorizing Teen Pregnancy?
Well, everyone, it is finally happening. After 600 issues of love triangle-hijinks, Archie has finally chosen his one true love: Veronica Lodge. That’s right, they’re getting married! And the epic comic book battle of blondes versus brunettes has finally come to a close. Brunettes win! Everyone can go home.
But what about Betty? Look at her sniffing into a tissue as she lurks outside of a jewelry store with Jughead. It is a pose familiar to anyone who has ever skimmed through an Archie comic book while waiting in line at the grocery store. Poor ol’ Betty, always crying over Archie’s misdeeds and always throwing herself a pity party when Archie takes Ronnie out for a spin in his jalopy. Betty has always been the perfect little doormat for Archie to wipe his shoes on. Why won’t Betty wake up and realize that she doesn’t need to act so passive? Because Betty is boring, and she always has been. Just look at her blog! (BTW: How laughably out-of-date are the Archie blogs? I can’t wait for the upcoming “Twatter” storyline where Ronnie “electronic-mails a Twitter” to Archie.) Anyone who wants to deny the fact that Betty is as dull as dishwater is living in a fantasy world. Betty is just a personality-less piece of flint, wrapped up in an ill-fitting blue sweater and topped off with a messy ponytail. I know, that might be a little harsh on Bets, but what is she going to do about it? Deny it? Nope, she will probably just cry into her ever-present hankie and then spend the weekend writing in her diary about helping some colorful old person clean out their attic and learning a few life lessons along the way.
The truth about Betty is that she needs to get out of Riverdale and out of Veronica’s oppressive shadow if she wants to grow a spine. Betty will probably end up attending some prestigious university, experiment with weed, get an unflattering haircut and go through a snobby Nietzsche phase. Eventually she will get a good job in advertising, find a boyfriend to share her one-bedroom apartment in Brooklyn with and she will live a happy life. Meanwhile, Veronica will be stuck in Riverdale, married to Archie, living in her father’s pool house and silently mulling over the details of her pre-nup. Except that anyone who is familiar with Archie Comics knows that this “marriage” thing is a hoax. Remember the “Love Showdown” multi-book series that was going make Archie “finally choose?” Hell, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this “Archie and Veronica get married, but not really!” plot before (yes, I’ve read a lot of Archie Comics, what were you doing when you were in 4th grade?). I’ll bet anyone dollars to donuts that this will end up being a “dream” of Jughead’s or that Veronica and Archie were rehearsing for a play or some such garbage. Who is going to let a couple of 17-year-olds get married, anyways? This isn’t Wasilla, and even if it was, Mr. Lodge would be just as eager as Sarah Palin to break up the marriage of his daughter to a local hillbilly.
The point is, Archie is never going to choose because that is the only dramatic tension that has helped make Archie Comics interesting for almost seven decades. The only interesting plot lines are the ones that involve the love triangle. (And by “interesting” I mean in the Archie Comics sense of interesting, as in the plots are more “interesting” than staring at a blank wall for five hours.) Marriage proposal or not, the love triangle is always going to exist, so let’s not expect too much out of Archie Comics.
You Might Also Like ...
-
-
12
EXCUSE YOU you clearly haven’t picked up an Archie. I used to read them a lot when I was younger, & Betty is not as “boring” as you make her out to be. There’s plenty of back-and-forth between Betty and Veronica, and some rather nasty plots to get Archie from the both of them.
& yes Mr. Lodge hates the fuck out of Archie
As a betty, I always thought she was too good for her backstabbing friend and flaky archie.
But I was still hoping she’d get archie to herself because I wanted her to win. Then she’d crush him.
Archie is SUCH a loser! He plays both of those girls.
Betty is portrayed as such a weak character, always taking Archie back whenever he “leaves” her for Veronica. She’s a HORRIBLE role model for young girls.
And sometimes Archie leaves Veronica for Betty. It goes both ways. Sometimes they team up and get sick of Archie and tell him to piss off.
While we are discussing bad role models, let’s look at Veronica: the only female who is not a sad-sack with self-esteem issues is materialistic, narcissistic, and mean. The previous generation had to choose to be either a madonna or a whore, but Archie Comics wants this one to choose between an ego-less nullity and Paris Hilton after the vampire attack.
How about Midge? Or Cherry? Or Sabrina, the sometimes-teenage Witch?
Cheryl*, my mistake. Her last name is Blossom, easy error.
this post was hilarious. thanks!
They still write the Archie comic book? I thought comic books like these and Prince Valiant were a thing of the past, but I guess not.
Prince Valiant’s still going
“Prince Valiant’s still going”
I don’t THINK they’re a thing of the past, I THOUGHT they were. I thought PV must have faded away a decade or two ago but when I found out Archie is still around, I looked up PV.
I actually just started to read the comics and I wanted Veronica to win because in my view (as a burnette) the blondes always wins and it really pisses me off. I know Betty has a better attitude but think about it the blonde always does and I’m not trying to be rude or anything but barbie-girl much? In real life I like blondes but in cartoons and comics I can not stand those pretty perfect blondes!!