Many moons ago, I dated a med student out here in Seattle, where I live. He was smart and interesting, and he was interested in what I had to say and he held my hand in public, and best of all we had a lot of fun in the bedroom. It never got very serious because we both had jobs that kept us busy (and, I think, because neither of was sure we were exactly right for the other), but when he up and moved across the country without much of an explanation or goodbye, I was kind of bummed. He was going to Denver, he said, he wasn’t sure for how long. Something had come up with his family, he said. No further explanation. I didn’t push it.
I emailed him about a month later to see if he was back in Seattle. He said he was still in Denver. Wasn’t sure how long he’d be there. I figured that “Denver” was code for “other girlfriend so I can’t see you ever again” so I didn’t get in touch with him after that.
He emailed me this weekend out of the blue. “how are you, sasha? i’ve been thinking of you lately! i’m still living in colorado. and i’m missing you. [there are some sentences in here redacted for the sake of my mother's eyes when she reads this] perhaps we can have an erotic encounter over skype? i would LOVE to see you again.”
An erotic encounter over Skype? This does nothing for me. I’ve played the phone sex game with boyfriends before, but mainly just to be a good girlfriend. I’m not someone who fakes a whole lot of orgasms in the bedroom, but, over the phone, I am ALWAYS faking it. Guaranteed. I’m probably painting my nails while we’re talking, so you know there’s no way they’re anywhere near my clit. It would smear the paint! That was the one redeeming quality of phone sex to me: I could be doing something useful while my boyfriend had his long-distance orgasm.
And now they’re asking me to do this over a video chat??? So they can watch me??? So they know if I’m telling the truth? Not only will I not get off, I also won’t get my nails done! You can tell technology is designed by men. The web-cam, Skype, the Internet. It was all designed by men with one goal in mind: Innovate ways to see women naked.
Maybe it’s just me, but I can’t get all worked up and enjoy myself without an actual physical human being who I can touch sitting right next to me. I’m not even that into toys. I like boys. Men are such visual creatures, and I understand that looking can be every bit as good as touching to them. Not true of me. I can’t get into it. It feels awkward and untrue. Sometimes comical. But definitely not sexy. When I lived in LA, I dated a guy who’d been raised a strict Catholic. He had authority issues, that’s for sure. He was in banking and he traveled a lot, so there was a lot of phone sex. He liked me to tell him stories about times I’d had sex with figures of authority, basically. “Have you ever had sex with your boss? With your teacher? With your other friends watching?” He knew I was making these stories up, but he’d keep me on the phone all night telling him about how my girlfriend and I almost got busted while we were giving head to our physics professor one night after the midterms. We’d done it so we could get passing grades, I told him. He loved that one. LOVED it. Me? I got my nails and my toes painted, and I did laundry. I got two loads in before he got his out.
Yet cyber-sex is a growth industry, and recent statistics show that women participate as frequently as men — sometimes with their partners, and sometimes with strangers. Are women drawn to cyber-sex because it allows them to “have sex” with strangers without all the safety fears that come along with actually meeting a stranger for sex? Do they somehow feel sexier online, like they can free the sexuality they repress in the real world? Do they feel their physical imperfections become less inhibiting?
Mostly, though, I’m interested in hearing from women about your experiences with cyber-sex, and why it works for you — if, in fact, it does.
By the way, I wrote that guy back a few hours later. “I’d love to see you again, too, but I’m not much of an Internet-sex gal. You need to come back to Seattle!”
His response? “i know, i’m not much of an internet-sex guy either, but when you’re 1300 miles from a sexy little thing like yourself, desperate times call for desperate measures. i hope to visit the emerald city later this spring. i’ll give you a call.”
So I didn’t get cyber-laid, but I did get to be called a “sexy little thing.” Now that feels good.