Women and Cyber-Sex: Was It Good for You, Too?

cybersex1-0026-1Many moons ago, I dated a med student out here in Seattle, where I live. He was smart and interesting, and he was interested in what I had to say and he held my hand in public, and best of all we had a lot of fun in the bedroom. It never got very serious because we both had jobs that kept us busy (and, I think, because neither of was sure we were exactly right for the other), but when he up and moved across the country without much of an explanation or goodbye, I was kind of bummed. He was going to Denver, he said, he wasn’t sure for how long. Something had come up with his family, he said. No further explanation. I didn’t push it.

I emailed him about a month later to see if he was back in Seattle. He said he was still in Denver. Wasn’t sure how long he’d be there. I figured that “Denver” was code for “other girlfriend so I can’t see you ever again” so I didn’t get in touch with him after that.

He emailed me this weekend out of the blue. “how are you, sasha? i’ve been thinking of you lately! i’m still living in colorado. and i’m missing you. [there are some sentences in here redacted for the sake of my mother's eyes when she reads this] perhaps we can have an erotic encounter over skype? i would LOVE to see you again.”

An erotic encounter over Skype? This does nothing for me. I’ve played the phone sex game with boyfriends before, but mainly just to be a good girlfriend. I’m not someone who fakes a whole lot of orgasms in the bedroom, but, over the phone, I am ALWAYS faking it. Guaranteed. I’m probably painting my nails while we’re talking, so you know there’s no way they’re anywhere near my clit. It would smear the paint! That was the one redeeming quality of phone sex to me: I could be doing something useful while my boyfriend had his long-distance orgasm.

And now they’re asking me to do this over a video chat??? So they can watch me??? So they know if I’m telling the truth? Not only will I not get off, I also won’t get my nails done! You can tell technology is designed by men. The web-cam, Skype, the Internet. It was all designed by men with one goal in mind: Innovate ways to see women naked.

Maybe it’s just me, but I can’t get all worked up and enjoy myself without an actual physical human being who I can touch sitting right next to me. I’m not even that into toys. I like boys. Men are such visual creatures, and I understand that looking can be every bit as good as touching to them. Not true of me. I can’t get into it. It feels awkward and untrue. Sometimes comical. But definitely not sexy. When I lived in LA, I dated a guy who’d been raised a strict Catholic. He had authority issues, that’s for sure. He was in banking and he traveled a lot, so there was a lot of phone sex. He liked me to tell him stories about times I’d had sex with figures of authority, basically. “Have you ever had sex with your boss? With your teacher? With your other friends watching?” He knew I was making these stories up, but he’d keep me on the phone all night telling him about how my girlfriend and I almost got busted while we were giving head to our physics professor one night after the midterms. We’d done it so we could get passing grades, I told him. He loved that one. LOVED it. Me? I got my nails and my toes painted, and I did laundry. I got two loads in before he got his out.

Yet cyber-sex is a growth industry, and recent statistics show that women participate as frequently as men — sometimes with their partners, and sometimes with strangers. Are women drawn to cyber-sex because it allows them to “have sex” with strangers without all the safety fears that come along with actually meeting a stranger for sex? Do they somehow feel sexier online, like they can free the sexuality they repress in the real world? Do they feel their physical imperfections become less inhibiting?

Mostly, though, I’m interested in hearing from women about your experiences with cyber-sex, and why it works for you — if, in fact, it does.

By the way, I wrote that guy back a few hours later. “I’d love to see you again, too, but I’m not much of an Internet-sex gal. You need to come back to Seattle!”

His response? “i know, i’m not much of an internet-sex guy either, but when you’re 1300 miles from a sexy little thing like yourself, desperate times call for desperate measures. i hope to visit the emerald city later this spring. i’ll give you a call.”

So I didn’t get cyber-laid, but I did get to be called a “sexy little thing.” Now that feels good.

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31 thoughts on “Women and Cyber-Sex: Was It Good for You, Too?

  1. No cyber-sex for me. Though I’ve heard of some girls who actually like it, I don’t think so. If I’m going to imagine something, I will not require a computer…

  2. When I turned 16 I started playing RPG’s and I thought it was hilarious how I could get guys to say just about anything. We’d get on MSN, no cams, and they’d tell me all the things they wanted to do to me. Sometimes we’d mail in game, and make it “Mafia” related. Some guy “Did me” with a cigar and then smoked it.
    They’d be getting their jollies off and I’d be rolling on the floor laughing hysterically over they shit they’d be saying. Theres very little appeal in it, but for laughter sake, it’s fucking brilliant.

  3. Same here Wendie, cyber-sex is awkward, cold… Isn’t it supposed to be all about passion, heat, the contact between bodies? So cyber-sex? Definitely… no.

  4. (Am I invading your bastion of femininity?)

    I think the draw behind cyber-sex is like the draw to people that enjoy bondage, people that enjoy web camming, people that enjoy biting, scratching, and every other form of role play you could think of. It’s a fetish, there is a fetish for EVERYTHING. Including 100% anonymous sex.

    Also, from a guy’s perspective, though not from a straight guys perspective, I think that men get into these weird sexual trances where we NEED release. Not that you’re not a sexy little thing — it’s just probably the reason he was looking for a little cyber-loving.

  5. would I have cyber sex over skype? hell no. why not just tape myself masturbating and put it all over the freaking internet. I think if you do something like that, you are pretty much asking for it to get leaked. No thanks.

    I like porn, but have zero ambition to star in my very own.

  6. I agree! This new site is great!

    It’s soo funny you say that Sasha, because I do the EXACT same thing when a guy wants to have phone sex! I just sit there and moan, while I do whatever else I want. That’s hilarious. I could never even get turned on that way…at all! But it sure as hell is productive!

  7. I am an Italian handsome man of 38 y.o. As I am curious to try cyber sex.. I would like to find all over the world a nice available woman to make cyber sex with, Anyone is interested? You can find me on skype at the ” marconista599 ” username….please NO GAYS, NO GUYS, only beautiful women.. equipped with good quality web cam, microphone and stable DSL connection.. I am often online especially in evening..(european time).Please only coherent, on age, decided and a open mind women…. Call me if you want to try this wonderful exciting experience or just to make friends with me. We could even have a real meeting.. why not? We enjoy life …as time goes by…

  8. I understand cyber-sex. I’m actually a lesbian and the thought of a penis does nothing but gross me out, BUT I cyber with males because 1) it’s WAY too easy and 2) it’s not the actual descriptions that turn me on, it’s the thrill that I’m sharing something rather intimate with a complete stranger – fairly safely, no risk of pregnancy or disease – and I’m able to elicit such a reaction from them when they can’t even see me. Essentially, it’s masturbation with a little extra stimulation.

  9. Wow, this is from way back in April, but whatever…

    On the topic, my fiance and I tried phone sex a grand total of once. Both of us were stifling laughter the whole time. It was an epic failure.
    After that we decided that we’d just do it in person and save ourselves some dignity.

  10. This was a very good article, thank you. It was super funny and I had a lot of fun reading it. I haven’t tried doing phone sex, but I have tried sex chatting and there’s absolutely no pleasure to be had there for sure. :D

  11. Well.. I used to kind of look at the whole cyber sex thing as completely silly.
    I used to go to chatrooms here and there and would get people messaging me wanting to cyber..
    This didn’t catch my attention at all.
    On occasion I would mess around with the guy though..

    No no, not like that. In a complete and entirely joking way.
    I’d go along with it for a bit and finally pop out something disgusting and completely ruin his little cyber sex story..
    But anyways, in doing this.. I could see how they did it as well.. and it was terrible.
    The worst one I ever got was like this:
    “i fuk u hard
    u like it
    i lik ur clit
    is it good”

    I mean seriously, if that can turn you on then you have mental issues.
    Most of it wasn’t as bad as that.. but it was still pretty awful.

    The way I look at good cyber sex is like reading a very good, detailed, erotic novel.

    I’ve had cyber sex.

    The first time was pretty good.
    The second time was absolutely amazing.
    No. Seriously.

    I was just on a chat site again and I was talking to some random girl.. just your normal chit chat which eventually kind of went into descriptions of ourselves and whatnot.. and finally it led into the whole cyber sex thing.
    She was like one in a million.. She didn’t “tipe liek thiz” as well.
    It was just extremely detailed.. and the fact it was interaction with another human is what made it exciting.. there was suspense and whatnot of what they’d do.. even if it was all purely text.

    I used to question cyber sex.. but after this.. I can totally see why people look for it.. It was highly arousing.. I had two orgasms from it.. the first one coming rather quickly and the second a bit later.. which was actually rather intense.. which would of never been like that if I had been just doing it on my own with my own thoughts laying in bed.. or watching porn or something.. even if this conversation led to thoughts itself.. I don’t know what did it.. just everything was so descriptive and like I said.. the interaction from them.. it all just painted so many visions in my mind and really got me going..
    Kind of like one of those orgasms you have when you’re trying really hard to be quiet because people are walking around the house or something and could hear you..
    Something like that maybe.
    It was just really really good.
    No, it was amazing.
    I’m being entirely serious. It was a very good sexual experience and the whole thing consisted just of text and me doing things to myself alone..

    I’ve even went on sites looking for people to talk to in hopes I could find someone like her and it could lead into something like that again.. but I’ve never had the luck.. it seems impossible.

    I know I kind of went overboard with talking about this.. but whatever I suppose.

    I guess in conclusion.. very good cyber sex can be a wonderful experience.. it’s just so rare that it isn’t really worth looking.. especially if you aren’t just as good at it.

  12. honestly, i enjoy phone sex if i’m ridiculously horny and it’s all i’m going to get. my boyfriend on the other hand, finds it to be distracting when he’s trying to get off.

  13. Hey i was perusing the web when i fell onto this hot topic of discussion. I understand that this is a relatively feminist site, but i feel i should put in my thoughts also…to eliminate gender bias and stereotyping (I am a guy btw :P)

    I haven’t had much cyber sex with my gf, in fact too little to be honest. (3 times in 1.5 years) But someone did say that it is a type of “release” and i totally agree with that. I am in a long distance relationship with my gf, and we haven’t seen each other for 10 months, though we are still going strong. I love her endlessly. I am 22 years old and still a virgin as is she. We are waiting until marriage. So, block out all preconceived notions based on my gender k? :P

    I for one am looking for a little excitement with my gf. When we were together we would be passionate and emotional, and i really miss that now. Its been so long and the only way i can interact with her intimately is through programs like skype or msn. Unfortunately, she shares the viewpoint that you do. She feels insecure and unsafe in a communion such as this, and i honestly cant blame her. this is why i keep quiet and try to survive….(be aware of hackers out there)

    For a guy, hormones are incredibly strong. Testosterone is a wild thing that you can literally feel in your body if you haven’t “satisfied” yourself in a while. You may think im just making excuses, but i genuinely believe that “releasing the demons” (lol) is an innate and instinctual aspect of all organisms. Even my male cat does awkward and inappropriate things sometimes. I cant honesty describe to you girls how it feels, because its something that only the male species possesses…but its purely to do with “multiplying” and “fore-going the species.” Having said that, its not dangerous, but its something that alludes to the wanting of pleasure. Most guys at this time will seek their loved one to provide this pleasure, because anything else just isn’t the same. Pleasure is not always physical, but emotional also….emotional pleasure is the feeling of insatiable desire for another and being satisfied from her willingness to reciprocate….from her joy of the activity.

    Now, my gf still feels uncomfortable with her sexuality and partaking in such a joyful/scary event. She recently threw me a bone and we both had a wonderful time, but somehow i wish we could share those moments a little more. It is lustful, and it may be wrong in the eyes of many…but its still so intriguing and interesting, and also so rewarding in my opinion. In moderation of course! I totally condone cyber sex on these stranger sites…thats just sick (No offense to those who do it)

    and finally, wanting to see a girl over webcam doesn’t mean we want to see you naked! My gf can get me so excited by simply looking at me in a special way. i think its the confidence and security of taking risks for, and with your loved one, that makes it entirely rewarding. That guy asking for an erotic meeting out of the blue is a little shady in my opinion, be careful with that.

    I only wish now, that i could have fun with my gf the way we did when we were physically together. being far apart is no excuse to hold off on intimacy. Guys may have made webcams, internet and social websites, but they do it for the sake of being with their girlfriends emotionally. It hurt my feelings that you think guys would invent these things purely for the sake of our own physical satisfaction.

    anyway, just wanted to let you know what i was thinking, and maybe open peoples eyes to the sensitive nature of guys out there as well. take care, and have a great day people :)

  14. i tried phone sex last night with my boyfriend.
    he just wanted to hear me masterbate myself.
    at first it was really awkward.
    then i told him why doesn’t he masterbate too.
    so he started and we were both masterbating at the same time.
    hearing him moan over the phone was great!

  15. I had never had phone sex; didn’t really even know much about cyber. I joined Second Life about a year ago after watching a bit about it on Discovery Channel. Over the past year, I’ve spent my cyber time building my (small) virtual empire; not totally ignorant of the kinkiness going on around me; but not necessarily interested, either. Then a few weeks ago I purchased some virtual items from a gentleman avatar. He sent me a message the next day, and thanked me for my purchase. We became cyberfriends; and he has helped me immensely in my quest to create in Second Life. Much to my surprise; I began to notice I was very attracted to this avatar. We had spent a bit of time just wandering around Second Life, chatting and getting to know each cyber-other. I guess I became a tad obsessed. Needless to say, I manipulated the situation so that we were alone together in a private place with a “Tender Love” avatar animation overrider. It was thus that I experienced my first cybersex. I must confess that in the midst; we did switch to an audio chat mode. All I can tell you is that it was totally amazing. It was something I was not looking for; but I sure am glad I found it….

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  18. I never was much into it either. I broke up with a bf who moved across country as well. We talked many times online and eventually went to cyber sex. I think I initiated it more. At the time I had only masturbated with a pillow. I was very shy very awkward. The one thing that kept me in it (besides the occasional vodka) was that I love love love this man with all my heart. I eventually came on cam. I bought my first vibrator. Had it not been for these caring sessions on the cam I would have never learned to use my hands to take care of myself or the vibrator. I think I was too inhibited before. We still do it. It’s still hot…Just have to come a little out of your comfort zone. You might be surprised. Usually, he can’t do cam at the same time as me but I find the typed words to be just as hot because I am kind of visual. I can see in my brain. Some of the best orgasms I have had!

  19. Hi all, another male perspective here. There is definitely a certain kind of girl who responds strongly to the written word – using a mixture of specific detail but leaving lots to her imagination you can create a vivid fantasy which isn’t predictable and formulaic like porn. I’ve known lots of girls (some friends and girlfriends from real life, others met online) who really enjoy cyber sex – they (and I) have much stronger orgasms than they would have alone and try out things they might be uncomfortable with in reality. It definitely augments lots of people’s sex lives and shouldn’t be sniffed at if you’ve not tried it. I LOVE bringing a girl off by getting inside her head – picking up on their mood, what they like, what gets them hotter and gently leading them through their fantasy. Some of them are comfortable enough to come on a webcam (only done this once or twice – the knowledge that you are being watched definitely adds to the intensity of the end product!) I was introduced to all of this when I was 15 by an Italian woman much older than me – we had a torrid online affair for years which moved to occasional (expensive!) international phone sex but fizzled out when I got to uni. I’m now 28 and over the years I’ve had intense online encounters with many girls from all corners of the world but now maintain contact with four, some of whom I’ve known for ten years. They’re easy, take-it-or-leave-it relationships but they definitely have meaning – I’m sure there are tens of thousands of people who have these secret online fuckbuddies but of course no-one really discusses them. I’ve occasionally translated some of these online relationships into the real world with varying degrees of success. I’ve had parallel real-world lovers on and off throughout, some of whom liked a bit of text / internet action but have generally kept this all separate – for better or worse. Since I (and a couple of my online “contacts”) got married, I have to admit I still occasionally find myself virtually going down on one of my cyber lovers of ten years while she reciprocates by virtually writhing and moaning to a very literal, hard little orgasm. I wonder if it’s a bad thing – that it’s cheating and distracting my sexual attention from my wife, who I love and love fucking – but I’ve never felt guilty. On the other hand, I wonder if it’s better this than fucking someone at work – these are comfortable, established relationships with no danger of pregnancy, disease or, worse, falling for each other.

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